It occurred to me just now that I actually made it. Easily, if I’m honest. Probably because most of the time I’ve just felt lost, and focused on working at letting go of the past.
A year ago I made a pact. No contemplation of a relationship for at least a year. I had a few friends with benefits, who actually are good friends now, no longer with the benefits. This is the first time in my life I’ve been truly alone, and it actually feels pretty good. It’s odd to feel so content. Ok ok… I’m not alone anymore… I have just landed a furry adventure buddy.
It’s a strange experience. I met a wonderful man at the beach recently. When I told my sister about him she laughed and asked if she needed to slap me (that was part of the pact I made- she was to slap me if I came to her gushing about a man lol). I said no, no I’m good. And I really was. I didn’t ask for his number, nor feel that desperation I once would’ve had… that fear of missing out on something. I could simply trust that if our paths crossed again that would be nice, however, if they didn’t, oh well.
It’s the lack of desperation that feels so freeing. And I didn’t even realise I was desperate. Desperate to be loved, to be wanted, to be “chosen,” to be enough. I’ve given myself all those gifts. So I no longer need to look for them externally. It feels wonderful to be able to meet people in a space of not wanting something from them. I once moved in that way, but somehow had forgotten why or how. Lost in a need for validation.
I don’t know how it would look to welcome someone into my life these days. I feel so different. How do I love from a place of enoughness? It’s so new to me that I can’t even fathom what that could look like. It sounds quite pathetic to write that. It makes me feel sorry for the pathetic part of me that carried so many painful beliefs. But also proud that I no longer do. It also makes me acutely aware that my dating pool just got even smaller lol.
Overall, I feel happy again. My heart is beginning to shine again. My smile and laugh have returned. That spark of adventure is finding its way back. That curiosity at what might be around the corner. An upcoming well-overdue road trip. Good friends. Good food. Outdoors. Peace.