The first time I felt truly submissive (I now know), was at a job I had. He walked in, and in a physical sense, he wasn’t even close to being the most attractive man I had laid eyes on. He communicated very clearly his moral standards, his work standards, what he expected from us, and what he would offer us in return, as our manager. I remember not trusting him... believing it all to just be “hot air.” I’d heard it all before. So many had come with hopes and expectations, yet none had followed through, and none had stayed. He wasn’t staying either... he told us that from the start. I wasn’t going to invest anything of myself towards him. I would just pass the time until he too, left.
I can’t pinpoint exactly when he began getting under my skin, however I can remember when I began to notice him. We were working back late together, and a problem arose that needed immediate attention. He was still very new, and neither of us knew exactly how to fix the problem. I began getting a little bit panicky because I hate feeling incapable. He stepped in and took charge. Even though we both knew he was “winging” it, I felt so safe, and trusted that he would make good decisions to not only solve the problem, but keep us both safe in the process. I looked at him with new eyes... here was a man before me who was so capable, and able to confidently take charge and lead. I was impressed. And it just continued. He followed through on every single promise he made us. He brought us together as a unit and created an atmosphere for us to thrive in. He had so much self confidence, but not a shred of arrogance. He was so comfortable in his masculinity.
I didn’t notice the dynamic building between us, and I certainly didn’t know it had a name. I began fantasising about him. The fantasies shocked me, and the level of arousal I had was so new to me.
Our work dynamic didn’t help to quell the fire that was building in me. He would make me do random tasks throughout the day, like sweep gravel, and I did it unquestioningly... it never occurred to me that that might seem odd. He just told me what to do, and I did it. And it made me so wet. He was strict, yet fair. And his praise was like an elixir that I couldn’t get enough of.
One day my co-worker commented on the changes he’d seen in me. Even to the point of me sitting up straighter when our manager entered the room. I was horrified. I was a married woman. Fantasies was one thing, but behaviour that was noticeable to others was certainly something else. It was the first time I had thought about anyone other than my husband in the time we’d been together... I was happily married.
It became torturous. The tension between us was unbearable. The only way I thought to save my marriage was by pushing myself away from this man who had developed such a strong hold over me. I was thinking about him constantly, and terrified that I would do something that would end in heartbreak for so many people. So I began to retaliate, and he began to punish me... which led to so many more fantasies. Everything about us together was too much. I was so scared of myself with him, because I knew nothing of what was going on, or why I was behaving this way and thinking those thoughts. I would’ve given him absolutely anything. I would’ve crawled across glass for him. Even still, I find it so unbelievable to hear myself say that. Never in a million years would I have expected those words to come out of my mouth. I left the job. And I never had contact with him again.
I don’t know if he was aware of any of it, or if we just fell into that together. But it opened my eyes. That was my final “radioactive spider bite.” I was changed. And he set the bar damn high.
