Reading that sentence hit hard. Sitting with it brought the realisation that I compare love. I compare how “well” someone loves me based on how I love them. If they don’t love me as I love them, I question if they love me at all.
This was a huge eye-opener. It helped me to realise also that what I seek from a relationship (connection), may be (most likely is) different to what an Other seeks. Overall, it seems that I measure how others show up based on how I do. And if it’s not the same, I measure it as a “failure” on Their part. Ouch.
This is super unfair. And very self-centred.
I can’t decide if someone is loving me at their capacity… only they can determine that. The only thing I can determine is whether or not that capacity meets my needs.
I also can’t decide how someone meets me in the space between us… again, that is only for them to determine, and for me to decide if it’s what I want.
This overall realisation has brought to light how much I try to force things. How much I try to force love, to force connection, to force getting what I want. But is it really what I want? Somehow it seems I don’t even know what I want. I don’t know my own heart. So how can I know another’s?
I have taken a step back. Allowed space. Allowed breathing room between U/us. Allowing Him to give as He gives. Trying to receive simply what is given, as it is given… and honouring that.
It’s really difficult. It’s difficult to maintain. The fear (?) in me wants to push forward and “work hard” to get what I (think I) want.
Surrendering to that which is, is scary. My heart fears that there will be pain and neglect and that I will be forgotten. Will He forget that I exist if I let go? Will it fall apart if I’m not fighting for it? Will He still think I’m devoted if I’m not struggling?
These are all whispers that flow through my veins.