Something I used to say quite often was how much I hated drama. And yet, somehow I would always find myself involved in it. Fighting against… something… the world, people in it, life… whatever. I attracted people who loved it, and I couldn’t work out why. Of course, I blamed them.
Until one day I dug a little deeper.
I realised that I had (and still do to a lesser degree, because boy does it run deep) an addiction to drama. I didn’t necessarily want to be involved in it directly, but a part of me still thrived off the energy and conflict created. That part that was scared of being “boring” or being “bored” or what I see more clearly now… was terrified of the unknown. Peace.
I have not really had a life that has shown me what peace looks like. Internal peace. The kind that simply allows you to sit with yourself or others without a need for distraction. The kind that brings space to both inside and out without it feeling empty. The kind that allows room to just breathe. To simply be.
The more I find this space, and become used to it, interestingly, the less affected by “drama” I am. I observe, and allow those who still find a thrill from it to go about their way. To a much lesser degree do I feel a need to have an opinion or make a judgement, nor become involved. I simply accept with understanding.
So, why this writing?
Today I decided to share. Obviously the recent turmoil here has brought these thoughts to the surface. I like to be able to reflect on where I once was, and where I am now. And to share that for others who may relate. I guess in a way it becomes painful to watch others with the same struggles I’ve known so intimately. Perhaps it’s a breadcrumb. A suggestion that it doesn’t have to be a way of life, getting stuck there. There can be a way out, a way forward.
However, for someone like me, I realised not too long ago, that can be a terrifying thought too. It truly is an unknown to try to imagine a life that *feels nourishing*. Even though I’ve always believed it’s what I want, looking back I can see I’ve always stuck with what felt familiar. Always dragging along that little safety net of chaos. Strange, I know.
I’m currently in the process of picking up all the balls I’ve dropped during the last few months of stress and struggle. Unfortunately when life hits hard, I tend to drop things one by one as the overwhelm builds… and although logically I know it makes things worse, usually the first to go is self-care. And then I have to wait. Wait until I can find the space to pick just that one ball back up again… because that’s the big one. That’s the central one from which everything else falls into place. Although it’s still super tough, I try to no longer berate myself for not coping. I try to give myself grace. I try to allow those who love me, to share their words of support, and tuck them into my heart. I try to remember each baby step to the way back because I now understand I don’t have to stay there. I have the tools. I know how to find that peace again, because once you know it you can’t unknow it. And I remind myself that the chaos I’m feeling, and reacting to, is actually inside.
Today is the first day…
May you find your journey to inner peace also. Sending lots of love to those who need it 💕
