He challenges the gentle parts of me. The soft parts. And it’s confronting.
‘I want to take you shopping,’ he says. ‘You can buy anything you want.’ ‘I want to give you a gift, no strings attached, nothing expected in return.’ ‘I just want to give this gift to you.’
There’s that moment when I know something has touched deep. The pause. When everything stops for a minute second, and leaves a wake of confusion. What?
I’m cautious. Wary. Unable to determine if the next step is where I fall through what I thought was solid ground.
‘When was the last time someone gave you something just because they wanted to?’
My mind scrambles, looking for an answer.
The bravado I’d been clinging to crumbles, and a tear comes, uninvited. Quietly followed by others.
I don’t know.
That’s a wound I’m not prepared for. A deep wound, winding its way all the way back to childhood. Disappointment. Constantly let down by false promises. Hidden strings attached. The secret pact I made as a child, hidden from everyone, myself included until this moment, to not need or want anything from anyone. The struggle with being able to receive, this pact left me with.
The struggle to receive. I sit with how that one little thing has tendrils spread throughout all areas of my life. It’s safer to be the giver.
As we speak about it, I realise there’s a trust there. I trust what he’s saying. I believe him. His actions have already shown me this is his truth. He is kind and thoughtful and mindful and aware. He listens as I share my discomfort and fears and pain. And then gently reminds me of who I am. He gently reminds me of who he is. And I feel safe. Safe to accept his gift. Safe to pick anything I want… not what I would think he’d want me to pick… not something practical or cheap or easy or dismissive (basically, I won’t bestow my own rules beyond his).
I will simply pick something I want. Without guilt. And I will receive his gift. Because the gift he is giving me goes far beyond a material item. He is teaching me the art of receiving. And the art of allowing another the opportunity to give.
Something I realised we have already been exploring together.
