I'm not writing this blog for sympathy and I'm not writing this blog for attention, or to have people feel sorry for me. I am writing this blog because I k ow there is someone else out there who is already having a terrible start to 2020 and I want to say tour not alone, but if I can manage what this year has already thrown at me, I think you can get theu whatever your going thru as well.
My back story... I suffer from panic anxiety disorder tht led to agoraphobia that started in 2002. I am thankful and fortunate that I am not COMPLETELY housebound, but I do have my "safezones" and limitations. As of right now, I cant even travel from one end of my small town to the other because it causes a massive panic attack. Something I have learned to live with the past 18 years and not something I'm proud of or like to brag about. When meeting new people and they invite me to do things or go places, I usually just make up some excuse instead of explaining WHY I cant go. Having this disorder has made me a pretty negative person in the sense that I always look for the worst outcome in almost all situations. I apply for a job... I probably wont get it because im not good enough. A guy flirts with me... he is doing it for some other reason than he truly likes me. A friend or family member doesnt talk to me for a period of time, I automatically feel like I've done something wrong to upset them or something. (Even though I already know I havent). And anyone who suffers with this disorder know exactly wht I'm talking about. It's a hard issue to tey to understand because you have mild cases and then u have severe cases... even worse cases than wht i live with on a daily basis. Some people cant wven step foot outside of their house... and even some who cant even leave a specific room in their house.
Now to the present: so far, 2020 has seemed to have brought me nothing but heartache and pain. Now, when i say that, I'm not referring to the relationships i have with friends and things like that. I appreciate every single one of you that are here for me and have been here for me. You guys have made bad days great, been able to make me laugh when I'm upset, made me smile when I'm sad. You all are amazing and a very important part of my life. What I am referring to is the past 10 days or so have been super rough for me and some do know everything I have been thru but most do not. Now, the sole purpose of this blog is to possibly give someone else hope that no matter what your going thru... it can and will get better. I'm living proof. If this blog helps even just ONE person, then my mission is accomplished. Here is a recap of the past 10 days of my life.
For 8 of the past 9 months I was having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact tht I was going to be a grandma at the age of 37. I sure wasnt quite ready for all that, but obviously I had no choice in the matter. At the end of November, beginning of December, I finally came to terms with that fact and started embracing it. Spent quite a bit of money for my new granddaughter for when she arrived. December 30th, i get a message that it's time, she is n labor. Oh boy... here we go... I'm sooo ready for new baby cuddles. On December 31st, I learned that the whole entire pregnancy was faked and there never was a baby. Yes I know, it is crazy and unbelievable and yes, even though that's my daughter, I do feel they both need mental evaluations because that isnt right or normal.
Then, January 2nd or 3rd, I learned that my stepdads cancer has returned with a vengeance and there is nothing ANY Dr. Can do to help him this time so now it's basically just a waiting game for him to be called home to his final resting place. Then, yesterday,
January 7th, I started having symptoms of what I thought was just my anxiety messing with me because my anxiety levels have been pretty high the past week or so (who would have thought!!) But this time they werent going away, and were quite different feelings and sensations then any other normal attack so I made a trip to the hospital. When I first arrived, the staff thought I was having a stroke and immediately went to work on, me running tests and all that fun stuff to try to figure out what was going on. Thankfully no stroke or anything like that. Diagnosis was way too much stress and I needed to get it under control before it did become a health issue.
Now... the main reason for this blog... some are reading this post (if you have made it this far) and who k now what is going thru your mind, but... out of all of that... this negative Nancy has finally seen positives in her life. So far, this year, anything that 2020 has already threw at me, I have been able to find a positive for. For 18 years, it has taken me sooo long to find a positive in any situation I have been in, but this year... this year seems to be different.
The baby: yes, i finally came to terms with being a gma ro find out i never was going to be one in the first place BUT... because of that, i will now be able to be ok with being a grandma from the very beginning when it actually happens and enjoy the whole pregnancy instead of dwell on feeling "old".
My stepdad: yes he is dying. There is nothing that can be done BUT... now that we know, we can make every min of every day count and make very special memories to hold on to once he is gone. And to know that when his time has come, he is going to a better place and will no longer have to live and suffer in pain and agony and will finally be at peace.
The hospital trip: even though my stress levels are thru the roof right now, that trip led to the discovery that I'm healthier than what I should be (Dr.'s words). I've been a smoker since I was 12 and my O² levels r still 99 and 100 (definitely time to try to quit while I'm ahead), my heart is fantastic shape, all blood work came bck excellent, and even my urine, of all things, was healthy. (I have a poor diet and live off of pepsi and dr pepper and water is my enemy, lol).
So what's my point, you ask? My point is this... if you can find just ONE positive in every bad situation your in, then you can get thru ANYTHING your going thru. I spent 18 years of my life NEVER seeing a positive in anything, and here I am, when life is throwing everything at me at once and trying to break me down, I can sit here with a smile on my face, knowing that I'm going to be alright. I'm a fighter, and from this point on, I'm not going to let ANYTHING stand in my way of happiness and the things I want in life. I honestly cant tell you WHAT made me see that one positive in each of the situations I've been thru this past week or 2, but all that matters is that I did, and it has made a world of difference.
If your still with me, and you are having a hard time yourself... PLEASE... PLEASE reach out. I will be here for you and help you to the best of my ability and I'm sure that there are others as well that will be there for you. You dont have to fight alone and even when you feel like your life cant get any better, it will... just ride thru the storm and wait for the rainbow at the other end. Its gonna be well worth it. And if you have made it this far, thank you to everyone who has been here for me and has checked up on me. Your concern does NOT go unnoticed and it is GREATLY appreciated... from the bottom of my heart... and I love each and every one of u and couldnt ask for any better friends!!
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
