Trusting the wrong people to do the right thing. Takes a long time to really understand that not everyone has your best interests at heart, and even the ones that might won't necessarily look out for you. And that when you get resistance or conflict to a situation most times it actually has nothing to do with you but that the other party does not want to let go of perceived control in a situation.
Limiting and controlling you, always keeping you on hold while you wait for things that never come. Because you want to believe them, want to accept them and hope that they know what they're talking about. That they can actually do what they said and it's not just empty words or promises.
And then when you finally realize that this is not the truth of things and reality rarely works that way, you've already given so much and gone so far that you're running on fumes, drifting along and trying your best to balance. To stop and recalibrate, and shift the odds back into your favor, regain control of your life and decisions.
All I ever wanted was enough. Nothing special or fancy or over the top, just simple. Enough to get by on comfortably. Enough to take care of me and mine without having to constantly battle just to get by. Without crazy work hours and constantly being on the go. Never stopping because there is just no time for it. To live on fast forward most of your life is a scary and crazy thing, because once that's the norm you have nothing else to go on, nothing else to turn to. Coping with things only goes so far and there are only so may hours you can work extra jobs, so many nights you can cut out sleep and so many ways you can gloss things over saying that they don't matter till you get to the point where they don't. Where the differences no longer register and everything just fades into the background, White noise, constant buzzing that never stops and never lets you get ahead or break even. And the worst part is you know it's not just you. You're not even half as bad as some and a whole lot better than others. But even those small little things don't really seem like a blip on the radar, just a pebble in a great big ocean of life. A grain of sand in a desert, as you battle thought after thought, demon after infinite demon trying to find your way.
Enough to be able to breath easy. A nice house for my mom, and someplace with a big garden for me. Animals around, be able to do my hobbies, pottering here and there just relaxed, happy and carefree. No riches or diamonds, no fancy sports cars or glitzy vacations. Just the ones I love well taken care of and to be able to help others when opportunity presents itself. Seems so far that has not been the way of things, so clearly I'm not being specific enough in my wants to be able to make them a reality. Or maybe I'm still just too hung up on waiting for others to do their part or be on their way. Between fighting them and yourself to make the best decision it's a crazy ride that's for sure. Just need to figure out how to work smarter and make it worthwhile. Time to start doing whatever it takes to get to where I want to be.
