It's often a strange thing to begin a new path. To consciously redirect things in your life which are no longer growing or nurturing you. Or in many case (mine in point) realize that the way things are have never been in your favor and in fact hinder your progress instead of aid it.
I've always been one to say to hell with it and just taken the plunge, more often than not I'm the first to do the dare, finish the deed or prove them wrong when they say it can't be done. It delights me to fix things or find things, make it work, figure it out.
Because I know that 99. 99% of the time it CAN, just means you have to keep trying. And to not try is already a failure in itself, and let's be honest who really likes to fail?
So now you know you want a change. You know you NEED to move on and cut away the chaff, stop stewing and start the doing.
I've oft been lost in thoughts, time has a way of warping around you in a most peculiar fashion that tends to act in the reverse of what you want, or think you need. And in the blink of an eye change is upon you and you're forced to react. Responding most often instinctively in ways that are usually very surprising for some. While for others its just another little bump in the road to moving on.
So I ask myself what I need to do to proactively encourage my change and growth, and this is the part where I keep stalling. I "know" it. There are so many ways and things, ideads and practices that run just beneath the surface, a current of emotions swirling around trying to pull me in and be chosen as the best choice, the best option for moving forward.
But more often than not it doesn't FEEL like I HAVE a choice. It feels like I'm waiting for permission, that I need to behave and be patient, that "it" is on its way and if I act now I'll ruin what ever it is. I need to sit still and be a good girl and wait.
But I'm so so tired of waiting, there's a part of me that just wants to start ripping everything apart and completely destroy everything so there's nothing left holding me back, so that I'm FORCED to become and change and be BETTER.
Because I know deep down that I AM better than this, can do better than I've done. Am worth more than I've accepted and allowed before, and that is a hard thing to accept.
That however unintentionally or unknowingly it came about I've ALLOWED this to become my norm, and it continues each day because I don't stop it.
So the real question I suppose is do I jump into the fire and hope I rise a Phoenix, or wait it out and give it time with a new structure that I control and am consciously building on.
