Little moon(sub female){Not lookin}

Dancing in darkness and solitude

Acceptance

1 year ago. August 22, 2022 at 11:23 AM

I think one of the things that I struggle with the most is when I form what I think is a genuine connection, I feel such an amazing energy and want nothing more than to spend time with a person getting to know them, spend time with them learn about what they love and want and need and fear and respect. I focus on being as welcoming, understanding and accepting as possible...seeing them as they are and hearing them, understanding them.

I live for deep conversations and mutual growth, an exchange of passion and dreams and longing, and all of this without even a single touch a meeting of minds.

It's like being in the dark and then having a ray of light find you, it starts to brighten everything and create such a gentle warmth and you feel seen, heard and appreciated. You share and give and see , embrace and nurture. You have value and you give all your time, energy and attention towards this new light, you try to feed it positivity and encouragement, you whisper understanding and compassion and empathy.

It flourishes and glows and a seed starts to sprout, you stare in awe as the magical connection spreads out and comes to life before your eyes. And then the next moment it's all gone and there's nothing but darkness again. The seed has grown and no longer needs your care-the light has moved on.

There is a common theme in my experiences and relationships that I just keep drawing blank on. The general theory is give as you wish to receive, accept others as they are unconditionally and embrace them for who they are strengths and weaknesses. Understand that what you put out there comes back to you and give as you wish to receive. Yet in every instance where I have done this I have as a result been used, abused, tossed aside or simply ghosted and disregarded despite being told how wonderful, caring and amazing I am as a person/partner/friend.

It's like I keep playing by the rules and showering others with love, affection abundance and care-trying to be there for them in the good and bad, through the highs and lows and yet no where in my life (barring 2 exceptions) can the same be said for those around me or who receive these parts of me. Who demand or take or just bulldoze their way in, when I offer some yet invariably give all because my want to make them happy and to help them be their best overrides everything else and I try so hard to be worthy of the same. To be enough and give them what they want or need.

Now I know and completely understand that when you do/give to others it should be with a good heart and not out of expectation, but at the same time we're supposed to teach others how to treat us and communicate with honesty and integrity. And yet I never seem to get the same level of openness, honesty or emotional maturity that I give out.

It honestly feels like there's an invisible barrier that comes up somewhere between me getting to know them/letting them in even just a little, and their level of interest in what I can do/give/be which normally revolves around their wants and needs. I am a highly intelligent, self sufficient and independent person. So I never go to others with my wants or needs, I'm the fixer and that's where I am at my best. Yet this always seems to end with me alone.

So where does this leave me on a trust level? How do I learn to communicate and actually build genuine fruitful connections in life. Because right now it feels like I'm just getting pushed away after pouring out all the good in me, and I have no way of getting it back myself.

Then I turn in the other direction instead, focus on self growth, love and turning the time and energy, commitment and devotion I have directed on others to myself instead. Yet I still walk around in shock and wonder at how others can just take so freely and then turn around and be malicious or snide, belittle or just become indifferent when all I ever wanted to do was embrace them and give them love.

It feels like I'm bleeding pieces of numb emptiness and I don't understand how someone can say something to your face, then directly contradict themselves right after and be the exact opposite, hurt you in the exact same ways that they were hurt and which you helped them heal and move on from. I fear that my ability to see others and love them irrevocably often does more harm than good, and yet even despite this I still stand alone, empty and wandering in the darkness, remembering a time when I once loved a ray of light.

Lazuli - What is the intention behind love and abundance you shower on others? Just ask that of yourself you do t have to answer it to me or anyone really. Just examine and keep working through it.

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - To share love and abundance, to give others a safe space to be themselves and accepted.

1 year ago

Lazuli - Ok, I completely sympathize I’ve felt that lonely, used up and cast off thing. And like you I was basically providing the big comfy place to just be. And I didn’t understand why there wasn’t anyone to do that for me. I had ask myself what’s my intentions giving so much? And I said the same thing I want to give and I want to shower love and affection on someone. But really I was doing that. I was giving and that’s what I said I wanted but why was I so dissatisfied with the result? I think if you keep examining your intentions and the source of your validation you will find the answers. Best wishes.

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - I find it interesting that you mention validation and the intentions, do you have any suggestions or ideas on how I can examine these things further? I am sorry you also experienced that, and I'm glad you were able to learn and grow from it. I suppose a part of the dissatisfaction would be that none of them remain, there is one sidedness, and unrequited anything is difficult to handle without feeling rejected. I want friendship, I want love and companionship and connection. I don't seem to be able to connect and maintain these things and that is my confusion. And I am at a loss as to how to gain them, but that does not stop me from giving and sharing because that is an inherent part of me. Much as a submissive needs to serve, I need to give/love/cherish and embrace others I feel a connection to, and that is what I try to do in all areas of my life/interactions. To give freely, love wholly and just embrace things as they come.

1 year ago

Lazuli - Makes sense. So when I was giving people a safe space spending time, care, even service on them. It felt good to me. It feels natural. I like to take care of people but that’s also a thing that’s been programmed into me. In a situation where someone is in need I want to help. But why? What is the source of that instinct to help? When I take care of people I feel like I have a purpose. It makes me feel good and there’s nothing wrong with that. Now it does get tricky when you’re left feeling alone. It’s like ok I do all this but still here I am alone. And I realized I wanted more than just being a provider of a safe space. I was modeling the behavior I wanted but it wasn’t being reflected back and that hurt me. So I asked my self why? Why did it hurt? Because I gave so much. But isn’t that what I wanted to do? Yes wait maybe not, I wanted to treat the right person well. I wanted to attend someone who demonstrated an appreciation and reciprocal commitment. That’s when I learned to examine what makes me feel valid. It wasn’t really just but nice to people that I wanted I wanted to be cherished I wanted the things I was providing for others. I was putting out what I expected of others but I wasn’t really noting their behavior. I was so excited to be giving myself openly that I didn’t notice the signs that this effort would not be matched. Doing random kind things still does make me feel good. But I’ve learned to pay attention to whether or not it flowed both ways. Sometimes being in the moment you sorta overlook things that tell you “hey this person sure does need me, aww so nice to be needed, BUT do I need them?” And if any of this doesn’t seem like your situation disregard it. And don’t it takes time to notice the patterns. The best thing I recommend is maybe treating yourself to your own generosity first. 😊

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - I am trying to internalize these things for myself and make them a part of my self love journey but I was also conditioned by towards a lot of it as a child, and it does play a part in things as well. I know a large part of my issues comes from lack of self care, I am horrible with that to the point of neglect. But It's so hard to rewrite those parts of me since that's all I've seen and known. So it's like practicing the theory and trying to implement it blindly. I appreciate your insight and thank you for the advice, I will most certainly try and focus on myself with it as well. ^.^

1 year ago

Lazuli - It is difficult to reprogram. On the bright side it does get easier with practice.

1 year ago

ribbonbaby{Guarded} - I understand how that feels. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through 😔
I don't have an answer other than the one I have come to learn about myself personally. I can't stop treating people as important, worthy of respect, and (as cliche as this sounds) special. To do so is not genuine to who I am and how I truly view people.

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - I can completely understand and relate to this <3 Thank you and I'm sorry you experienced the same it's a hard lesson to learn. I too am trying to give others the time, energy and attention I feel they deserve regardless of their behavior towards me because that is how I as a person and a friend wish to show my love and support. I am very careful to communicate as much as possible and check in regularly about boundaries and level of comfort/acceptance, but this still doesn't seem to help much sadly.

1 year ago

CSI - I can also relate to this. I can also say that I used to share freely and gave all I could to those that approached. Now, years later, I am more guarded. I wouldn't say jaded, but definitely wary (and sometimes weary too, as spellcheck wanted to change that to). I find I need to take more frequent breaks and have a much shorter tolerance period. If boundaries aren't being respected or if there doesn't seem to be the same amount of give and take, I am quicker to call it a day than ever before.

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - I hear you on that, I'm also learning to find a balance as well. For me if it doesn't detract from myself and is something I can do without /freely give I will do so regardless of the person. If it's something that requires sacrifice or interferes with my personal needs I will decide at the time and behave accordingly. But I no longer give and do without, or do and forgo my own needs for others. I believe there is a healthy respectful way to accomplish both without doing yourself short.

1 year ago

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Little moon​(sub female){Not lookin}

Dancing in darkness and solitude

Acceptance

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin}