Another night, another nightmare. It seems to be never-ending. Yet, talking about it with people who actually seem to give a damn and who don't automatically tell me to buckle up and move on, has been freeing in so many ways. Still scary though, let's be honest.
What was it tonight? My father, the man who was supposed to protect me. The man who was supposed to teach me how a man is supposed to act, failed. Instead of teaching me that a true man will love you and cherish you, he taught me that being myself is not allowed. He taught me to hide myself from the world, because no one would love that. He taught me that the only thing I would ever be good for was a human punching bag, someone he could let all of his anger out on. Why? Why did he have no problem showering my little sister with love and affection, when she lied to him. Yet when it came to me, I was always the one who screwed up. My grades weren't enough, I didn't help out enough around the house, I ate too much, or I was disrespectful. I watched three kids, the oldest of which was eight years younger than me, I cleaned the entire house by myself. I cooked all the meals that they ate, and everything else that they asked of me. Why? Because I thought that if I did that he would be happy, that he would be proud of me, and that he would love me. Eventually he started treating the rest of the kids the same exact way. My little sister was no longer his little princess. When that happened I still did everything I could, I protected them, making sure that his anger was directed towards me, making sure that he didn't go after them. Why? Because I was determined to be the type of parent those three needed. They type of parent that he wasn't. Was it worth it? Hell yeah. I am so proud of those three. They are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in. They are not afraid to speak their minds. Most of all, they had a normal childhood. Because I refused to let them become as damaged as I was and am.
Now I know why he treats me the way he does. It's simple. I screwed up his perfect little image of the perfect little family. How? Simple, I was born breech. I was born with messed up ears and a messed up hip. I'm half deaf, and I have a hip problem that requires me to see a chiropractor every month or so. Yet I'm still here. I'm still standing. He thinks he won. He thinks that I'm messed up. Am I? Yes. Yet I'm not letting that stand in my way. I'm determined more than ever to keep going. I have the support of J, my siblings, and my mom. I don't need him. I don't want him. I have nothing to prove to the man who tried to destroy me. In fact the only thing I have to do, is to just keep going. I will make my way without his help. I will be the me I want to be.
I think of this song every single time I think of the kids and what my childhood was like.
"well I will be the strongest that he ever knew,
and I will be there when he needs a love strong enough,
don't worry I will carry your share for us,
no matter how bad the storm,
I will be the strongest that he ever knew,
and we'll leave you alone.
As usual, I hope ya'll have an amazing day and stay safe in these crazy times. 🙂