My Journey Into Me

I did it! I moved and dear lord above I hope I never have to ride an Amtrak that long again. Ughhhhh. No thank ya. I loved the views! But I don't do well with prolonged travel. Thankfully it only took me 48 hrs to get from Kansas to Montana. Yes, I am sage and sound. Yes, I am in the process of getting the divorce (have to wait 3 more months but I'm not complaining). I have an amazing job, an amazing family who've responded to every need I've had with support. Prime example is I'm touch sensitive. Some days I'm ok with it, others I can't handle it. An my family has risen to that challenge. We've binge watched The Mandolorian  (oh myyyyy I adore baby Grogu), we've done breathing exercises. My baby brother has recently discovered that if I'm in the middle of an attack he can sit criss cross applesauce in front of me and do some breathing exercises with me to help me breathe again. He was so happy he could help it made his day. My mom, bless her for her patience with my moody ass, has learned I can't handle certain foods. So we have optional nights. Dinner is made by each individual person and we eat what we want. I don't have to eat weiners or celery or cous cous that way, but everyone else can enjoy their fave foods still. It's been awesome and I'm still getting there.

Stay safe and be happy y'all! Love ya!!!

God I feel old. And yes I am aware 27 isn't that old. But I started a new job today (Hallelujah!!) and most of my coworkers are younger than me and kept saying how 27 is old... okay then.

What would a birthday be without drama though? 🤣 Not a birthday I've ever had. But things have a way if working themselves out. If someone is going to flip flop on being there on my birthday, then chicken out because they think they're a "bother" (when I've never said OR implied that btw) then they're showing me their true colors.

I'm getting there. And I apologize that it has been so long since I've gotten on here and done a post. Covid has been a wild ride and we're still not back to "normal" even though I'm not sure normal even exists anymore. 

Good news though! I'm moving by the end of the year! After some serious soul searching, and some lovely people pointing out that I've been ignoring some signs, I'm moving and getting a divorce. Not that that's going to be easy, but I have to remember that I need to put myself first sometimes and that it's ok to do so. Something I have to remind myself of every time.

The only way is up! 😊 And even though it's hard to remember that, it's still something to keep in mind. I hope y'all have a blessed Saturday and an amazing weekend y'all. Stay safe and stay healthy! Laters!

~Devil

Good heavens it has been awhile. But alot of things have been happening and I'm working on an update/explanation of the hectic craziness I call my life now. That should be coming out in the next week (hopefully) and I'll try and make it make sense as much as possible. 😅

These writings are of my own creation. 

You internally curse at him for using this specific implement on you. The chain pieces hurt worse than the can when they flail across your tender skin. You thrash trying to escape to no avail. You know he's upset with you when he uses the metal flogger.

You're exhausted by the time he's finally done. Your back, thighs, and ass are covered in welts and certain sections are even bleeding. He steps in front of you and raises your head gently, asking if you know why you were punished so severely. You confirm that you do and expand by replying with the fact that you cursed and disappointed him. He removes the restraints and carefully picks you up being careful to not press on any of the open wounds. He carries you to the bedroom, and gently lays you on the bed. He grabs the first aid kit and begins to tend to the wounds he caused as he tells you how well you did. After he finishes with the first aid he removes the plug and clamps slowly allowing your body to adjust as need be. He dresses for bed himself before climbing in after turning off the lights. He gently grabs you maneuvering you onto his chest so you can fall asleep comfortably. The last thing you hear before you fall asleep is him telling you did good and that he's proud of you and to go to sleep.

You wake up the next morning still laying on his chest listening to his heart beat as the effects of last night start to sink in. He strokes your hair and asks how your feeling listening intently as you describe the amount of pain you're in. He gently moves you off of him and goes and grabs the first aid kit. As he removes your bandages he asks about your newest piercing, and asks what made you get it. You shyly tell him that you got it because you wanted to feel sexier which makes him freeze. He stops what he's doing and moves into your line of sight.

His words shock you as he tells you just how sexy you are making you blush as he describes the beauty you are. He tells you that he doesn't want you to even underestimate how sexy you truly are to never think otherwise again. You lay there stunned as he changes the dressings before walking out of the bedroom. He comes back with some breakfast and helps you eat it before you both cuddle again. As you relax into him you think there is nothing better than this.

These writings are of my own creation.

He removes the nipple clamps and replaces them with alligator clamps. You whimper from the pain as they dig into your tender flesh. He reaches between your legs and places alligator clips on each side of you labia and places another on your clit, causing you to cry out in pain. He returns to the bench grabbing a shiny piece of metal out of the drawer. You hear him squirt something, but aren't really paying attention due to the pain from your clit and pussy lips. He walks behind you and places a finger against your hole before pressing it in. You gasp at the sudden intrusion causing your boobs to bounce and the clamps on your nipples to sway.

You're distracted from the pain by the feeling of something cold being pushed into your ass. You tense not expecting the smack to your tender ass as he commands you to relax. As he pushes in the plug into your ass, you move forward trying to escape it, earning you another smack. He commands you to hold still and reminds you that you earned this punishment.

Once the plug is nestled between your ass cheeks he returns to the bench. You hear him sigh as you watch him run his fingers over the various implements he has at his disposal. You watch him pause and hope that he's not looking at the one you think he is. His favorite one, the whip. He's never used it to break your skin, but you know it'll cause more pain than anything else.

He grabs the one he's looking at shielding you from seeing it. He walks behind you and swing what he has, as you are try to figure out what he has, it hits your back causing you to arch. You feel the metal across your back and you instantly know what it is. It's gonna be a long night.

You freeze before apologizing for what you just said. He simply looks at you before saying that you know that isn't going to be good enough. You watch him walk to the bench and pick up the cane. As he turns around you start to get that feeling in the bottom of your gut you only get when you know you've messed up. You listen to him as he walks behind you, tensing as he rips the cane through the air.

You hang your head when he tells you that your getting 20 with the cane, knowing that you won't be able to sit comfortably for the next week or so. You're brought out of your thoughts by the excruciating pain that lands upon your ass, screaming as the pain fully forms in your mind. You barely remember to count and thank him. Your mind is trying to hang on through each stroke counting each as if hoping that it'll pass sooner. As each stroke lands you realize more and more just how much he despises it when you curse. As the last stroke hits you scream with full force, your ass is bruised and bleeding and the pain is resonating deep within burning it into your very soul not to disappoint him again.

With tears running down your face you see him walk past you towards the bench where he places the cane in it's place. He turns to you and walks over looking into your eyes with his. He wipes the tears from your face and tells you that he hopes you're ready for more, because your punishment is just beginning.

These writings are of my own creation.

He tells you to get on your knees. He grabs the blindfold and tells you that you were a good girl. You hear him moving around the room before he grabs the back of your neck and pulls you to your feet and pulls you over to what he's prepared. He moves your legs into place, putting what feels like leather upon your limb. He fastens your legs and your hands in place stretching you out and making it so you can't move.

You feel something cold being dragged against your skin before feeling your bra being cut. He moves to each piece of clothing, cutting it off piece by piece, and leaving you completely naked exposed to the cold air coming from the air conditioning. He steps back and you can hear his steps echoing as he walks away.

You feel something cold against your skin causing you to squeal from the sudden coldness. He moves it over your hardened nipples and slowly inches it closer and closer to your core. The next thing you feel is the coldness being taken away and a sharp stinging sensation on your nipple causing you to scream out from the pain and pleasure it gives. He alternates between the cold and the pain for what feels like hours bringing you to the brink of release. He plays your body like an instrument and enjoys every minute of it.

You break cursing him for not letting you release. Making everything stop. You gasp from the sudden brightness as he tears the blindfold off allowing you to see the anger in his steel gray eyes as he asks you to repeat what you said. Daring you to say it again.

These writings are of my own creation.

You receive a phone call telling you to dress up in his favorite outfit and wait by the door. You agreed and asked where the two of you were going. He replies saying we're going out tonight. He hangs up and you smile, excited by the prospect of going out.

You get dressed in the lacy red number as he calls it. It consists of a beautiful red lacy bra, some red crotchless panties, and a garter belt that is connected to some fishnet stockings. You slip over the little black dress with the slit on the side and put on your 2 inch heels. You put on your ruby dangle earrings and the matching necklace before stepping in front of the mirror. You put the red lipstick on and adjust your hair before waiting by the door for him to pick you up.

He arrives and takes you to the fancy Italian place in town, and whispers to take your panties off before you sit down. You excuse yourself and go to the bathroom doing as told before returning and handing your panties to him. He sits you down before inserting the wireless vibrator into you and saying that you can't make any noise. You smile and nod feeling excited by the challenge. All through dinner he increases and decreases the vibration watching you to see if you squirm. You hold steady, not a single peep or squirm through dinner. He's impressed and tells you that you did very well.

You return with him to his place where he tells you to strip down to your underwear and assume the position. You do so watching him and seeing his breath catch at the sight of your new piercing. He tells you that he likes the new addition and says to wait for him as he walks to the other room and returns with the bundle of toys as he calls it. Your breath quickens as he steps towards you and you look forward to his next command....

《To Be Continued》

I thought I had finally made progress. Those walls I had put up, they were finally down. I finally had let someone in.

I hate it when people tell me not to let words get to me. Well, unfortunately you can build me up and completely tear me down in two seconds just by using words. It partly is about how I was raised. Sarcasm was my dad's weapon of choice. He always made comments about my appearance, my body, the way I carried myself, and so much more. I've come far, but I know my limits. Simply put, when the other half of my soul makes a comment, even though it was months ago, that puts you on your knees holding your chest it sucks. I know we'll make it past this, it's not a hunch, I know down to my very core we'll make it through this. I'm getting off track. Damn rabbit trails.

Eventually my profile is going to have some changes, changes that solidify more and more each day. I both love and hate change. I love it because it means that the dark days are going to be over. But I hate it simply because I know things will be difficult. I'm reworking how my support system works, but that'll take time to put into practice. But for right now one step at a time is how I get through my days.

If you have a partner, don't do what I did. Don't let them get to the point where you allow them to become abusive in any way shape or form. Emotional, verbal, none of it. Don't put up with that shit. You are worth more that that. Even if you can't see it now, you are.

If you think that you're not worth more than what they say they are, then take this to heart. I know you are worth more that that. You're worth more than what every single douche-canoe says. Don't let them get you down, be the beautiful and amazing person I know is under all of that hurt and tell them to Fuck off. It feels amazing when you take that first step. I know.

Well, thank you for joining me on this spiral of rabbit trails. Maybe just maybe I'll be able to make a post that is a little more solidified within the next couple days.

Me and Mine

Me and Mine the Woman says,

As she looks at what had come to pass.

We won't be split by things to come,

As shown by what we've gone through thus far.

I see you as important when I say this phrase,

It's not meant to be considered crass.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart,

It's not something to be considered bizarre.

Me and Mine such a simple way,

To convey the feelings I've stored away.

These words I hope are filled with love,

As I try to break down these walls.

My walls that hinder my ability to say,

The things that others consider cliche.

I slam into these wall as I watch you turn away,

The tears that flow as I gaze at these halls.

These halls inside my mind are vast,

Containing all the things I hide inside.

The feelings I feel,

Are bottled up without a release.

No way to convey how I feel,

As I stumble around knowing I've tried.

Someone as broken as me,

Shouldn't think of things like peace.

Broken things should stay hidden,

Away from prying eyes which want to view.

Maybe staying hidden is something to consider,

So I don't cause others pain.

These cracks are things others can't really see,

They show the things that I've gone through.

My inability to convey the things I feel,

Is something I will always disdain.

Me and Mine,

Something I wish I could say.

Those words give me comfort,

They say all those feelings I've tried to explain.

An olive branch I try to give,

I hope it says what I'm attempting to convey.

I wait for you to decide the fate,

Of my heart that struggles with all these chains.