(That title to my blog is also interchangeable with other titles. A Dom is a person first, a little is a person first, etc.. etc..) <-- and is probably one of the most important lessons to have learned. Granted, this can be changed if you have a pet or slave that doesn't want to be considered such- but that also needs to be pre-agreed upon and discussed before reaching that point.
I'll be brutally honest, when I first investigated into the BDSM lifestyles again after my hiatus and the different aspects different dynamics hold... It's very easy to forget that.
Just from the different places I've been to and navigated - it's surprising and sometimes even a bit overwhelming how many other people seem to forget or completely disregard that fact. When I first popped onto another site (I won't place the name, but I will say that it doesn't hold a candle to this place.) immediately I was flooded with approaches from "Doms" looking to immediately meet, and have scenes/sex/encounters.
A literal meat-market.
Which, if that's your thing. Then by all means more power to you. It made me realize for myself that... I wanted a bit more. I felt uncomfortable and discouraged and I couldn't overly place my finger on it until my best friend introduced me to her Dom, who graciously took me under his protection.
He said during our conversations amidst my barrage of incessant questions:
"A sub is a person first."
I forgot about this. Oh I knew it, deep down. But it's easy to forget with the anonyminity of being online and safety behind a monitor.
How in the world can you be Safe, Sane, and Consensual if you don't even know the person who's raising that flogger to you??
I dunno, that simple sentence already made me raise the bar for what it is I'm hoping to eventually find.
Personally, I want my future Dom/DD/Owner/Whatever he may be- to know that... I do have flaws, and sometimes some actions can set off insecurities or bad memories, or to be aware that I too have bad days where I might not be up for as much, I'll just want cuddles and quiet talk. Or that some days I'll be sweet and soft, and other days I'm fiery and rebellious. I want them to see me completely, through and through.
Just like I want to know who the hell I'm talking to, what makes them tick. I'd like to be able to play games with them, or just do some writing with them, or even shoot the shit and joke around in a friendly manner.
Do they even like cuddles? What if they don't? What if they don't like someone else clinging to them?- maybe they just want a softened affectionate gaze, and a gentle brush of fingers in passing is enough? What if they don't like the same video games that I do? Maybe they dislike writing in roleplay, or prefer dogs over cats?
Much like me, I'd like that future person to trust me enough to know them too. To see them through and through as well.
It's sappy but, I am the one I want to kiss away hurts, and help maybe heal from old scars if I'm allowed to. I want to be supportive (Even if I am someone's sub, or whatever) and to help them grow and succeed in turn. I want to make sure that as that other someone in any form of dyanamic, I can please, make proud, and bring joy to the other person.
All in all - I'm not in a huge rush to find a Dom/Owner/Master/DD/ etc... I'm very happy to just make friends and get to know others firstly, and let things happen a bit more organically instead of just lurching forwards into things.
That's part of the fun, is getting to know the other person.
So with that quality of what I'm looking to find, kind of segways into the more Ranty portion of my blog post. --
It now surprises me, and makes me laugh how many people just... Don't pay attention, or completely disregard aspects of a profile. I place infomation up for a reason. (I'd imagine most people do.)
So when someone approaches me. "I'm a Dom! I like this ___, and this____. And this. ____---"
Hmhmhmhm~ Oh, I'm sure you are sweetling. I see the 'Dom' tag by your name.. I'm sure you adore all of those things.
But firstly, you disregarded the fact that I have {Protected} on my tag. I'm not allowed to talk to you until I have the OK from my protector for this VERY reason. You clearly are looking for someone to play with, and not necessarily are interested in the person behind that.
If you are looking for something deeper- you just gave the first impression that, that's all you're looking for.
And I know fully well this line of thinking makes me look presumptuous and arrogant. Some people use that form of a message to TRY and connect. But I mean - that's not exactly something you'd open up with if you were to see me in a coffee shop or out on the street is it?
(I mean- if you do, you've got a hell of a set of balls on you.)
And then it makes me chuckle when people make this impression firstly, then I direct people towards my Protector to speak with him first if they acutally are interested in me by such means and they get tense or upset.
Like I said - I'm very new to the social graces and ettiquite when it comes to this Lifestyle, being protected, and BDSM in general. I will always be polite to you if you approach me (Unless you act like a huge ass, then I might clap back.)
Don't get me wrong. If you approach me and say "Hey, how are you?" I'm still going to ask permission on the back-end, but chances are? I'll happily respond and chat with you.
But I will always be honest and open, and tell you straight forwardly if you make an impression of interest in those regards; even with the nature of this website. I'm going to tell you:
" Not to jump the gun, and I apologize if I seem presumptuous. If you are interested in me as a potential sub, I am protected by someone, so you will have to speak with him before I can provide more info about myself and potentially proceed further."
But I'd imagine that's only polite to talk with him firstly, isn't it?
If I actually had a Dom in place already and you approach me like that, isn't that considered very rude? How is this any different? I am my protector's charge, and he has graciously taken the responsibility of ensuring my safety.
"I have no idea if we even "click" at this point...for me to go through a "job interview" process with another Dom feels premature and unnecessary."
Was one response I got, and I'm not pointing the finger of blame at them. Far from it. They're allowed to have these feelings.
That mention earlier of what I hope to look for? The repeated mention that I'm new to the Lifestyle? That's exactly why the person protecting me is doing what he's doing.
I mean, on the one hand, I can understand how intimidating that looks, but with it. If there IS genuine interest there; wouldn't you want to speak with another Dom firstly? Wouldn't you want to know more beforehand? Granted, yes. Talking with me directly is one of the best ways to get to know me. But, with a protector in place, doesn't that offer a bit of insight from another Dom's perspective about that potential sub/switch/little/person you're wanting to proceed forwards with?
As mentioned in the Blog description, a place of musings, murmurs, thoughts - but, I hope that maybe another tenderfoot like myself, or someone who is experienced in this Lifestyle sees this and goes "Oh! That's right!" and takes that with them.
Have a wonderful day all~
-The Chimera.
Edit::: Yes, all of the sketches/linework seen on the blog are mine, I ask please do not resell, reuse, redistribute, or repost them without my permission. Thank you!~