Before I begin this reoccurring rant- I'll preface this by stating--
Firstly, I know I've bitched about similar before. It's something I keep managing to bump into, and I know many others have as well.
Also, this conversation I could have handled much better and differently. It all caught me off guard and sprung on me in the moment.
Moving forwards and taking this experience as a learning tool- I will work at handling situations much differently.
Secondly, everyone's dynamic/relationshit. (Yes that's right. Relationshit. I completely swiped that from Dane Cook.)/Situation is different. There is not "true" way for this Lifestyle. Or hell, even for those who just want to get kinky in the bedroom only-- But.
I will say. There's things that just send up red flags. There's things you just don't do...
I was talking with a friend of mine the other night. To be 100% honest. I had role played/written some erotica with them. This was prior to ever discovering The Cage, and meeting my Dom. But, that still opened a doorway for him to get raunchier with me in passing.
He mentioned writing with me again and "Getting me to curl my toes again."
(I'd never tell him since I worry it'd damage his self-esteem-- I love to write. I wrote the erotica for the enjoyment of writing. I didn't actually touch myself to it.)
I reluctantly admitted to him I was in a consideration phase with my Dom. Things like that wouldn't be happening again; I began to try and explain to him what that meant- and he immediately said "Damn, I'm too late..." I asked him to explain and he told me he was a Dom! At first I chuckled and said "Not that 50 shades of grey stuff... This is different." and he interjected and told me again, he was a Dom.
I had no idea! I'd of never expected!!!
It's amazing to me just how many others are actually into BDSM and such; and they hide it so damn well!
Naturally, I relaxed with that! I asked him how long he had been in the Lifestyle. He said he had been in it for only a couple years.
I admitted to him that I was a Switch with more submissive tendencies, and had a more bratty nature, that I didn't realize he had any inkling he picked up on my more... Varying tastes.
Now, this was a few nights ago. I do not remember the exact words he used- but essentially he made a comment about Domming me.
Red Flag: I just told you I was being considered by another Dom. That wasn't an invite to try and make the conversation into a pissing match, and open the door for you to step on my Dom's toes like that.
Stupidly on my part: I immediately responded with "I highly doubt you could handle me..." <-- I said this as a simple statement. I'm impish by nature, sassy, and even a bit catty. I know fully well some Dom's do not have tolerance for that. It wasn't meant to come off as a challenge, but to him it did.
This is a mechanical response from me, because I'd had many others in the past try to "Challenge" me <--- Which is also a red flag. A Dom doesn't CHALLENGE you to submit. He/She/They shouldn't have to. Your submission is a gift. YOUR choice. Not a prize to be won in a competition.
He continued on and told me he had a "Couple of Subs." and again- I do not remember the exact wording. But essentially he mentioned he could handle me, he had one sub that was bi and if she was a "Good girl." she got to play with the other "Plaything."
Personal Red Flag: I say personal because to me. Because to me It's a red flag, I do not like degradation. Others might enjoy being called a 'plaything.' I may be a Switch with submissive tendencies. But I still want to be considered something more than a "plaything." He didn't take this into thought at all, he didn't care.
Again, I could have handled things differently. I shouldn't have answered with the response I did, but in the end: I did. I immediately said "Well, I wouldn't be able to handle sharing my Dom with another sub. I don't play well with others.
This is my preference. And idiotically, I started to verbalize that. I'm very open, and truthful. Frankly, looking back on the conversation - that was none of my friend's business. That is between myself, and my Dom.
Red Flag: He didn't listen. He made more mention of having multiple subs.
If you're going to take on a sub. You had better pay close attention to their needs/wants/comfort. Just as a sub should pay the same respect to their Dom.
Foolishly, I restated I wouldn't be able to handle sharing a Dom. I would feel like I was being replaced, or irrelevant as a submissive.
Red Flag: He challenged me again, asking me something along the lines of. "Well. What would you do to make yourself my ONLY sub? what do you have to offer?"
Now... This is where I found myself getting revolted, and angry. I finally shut the conversation down in my own way.
I told him "Nothing. I have nothing to offer."
A.) My submission is not for you. It's for my Dom. B.) It's not a competition. I do not compete. My preference clearly doesn't match yours. So even if I was seeking a Dom still? You wouldn't be compatible with me. C.) I shouldn't have to present myself like so. Who the hell do you think you are?!
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I managed to detangle from the conversation and push it to some other topic. But I won't lie. The conversation had left me... Perturbed.
And I will remind readers- that this is still my friend. I'm not going to start a fight with him, or stop talking with them over this issue.
He had admitted to me he had been a Dom for a couple of years - and there is MUCH to learn. Granted, that's completely up to him and his responsibility to further his knowledge.
I will continue to be friendly, play video games with them. But otherwise- we will not being going into this conversation again.
Naturally. I told my Dom everything. We discussed things over. Ranted. Raved a bit.
In the end?
It kind of drew us a bit closer together. He told me he was proud of me for not only coming to him immediately afterwards and telling him everything, keeping our communication open and honest. But, because I had already learned so much, and was able to pick up on red flags like so.
The main reason I make this post? Is maybe someone else relatively new to the Lifestyle may see this, and learn from it themselves.