I lay here unable to sleep. For the first time in my life ADHD has been silence but only to unleash the emotions and fears and worries I hid behind it. And I had to get them out and here...this place...felt safe.
For the first time I am exploring a poly dynamic that truly seems possible. Truly seems achievable. And I am scared. Every relationship after my first Dom...they had sparks of potential...but true...deep...honest potential I never felt. Never let myself feel. But now...having finally healing from the wounds of my past and finally accepting my submissive identity. My poly identity. I feel ready for the real thing. For a true forever dynamic and I am scared.
What if I put my heart and soul into a dynamic and get hurt. What if i let people in again and my heart is broken. What if it doesnt work out. But then again.....what if it does.
What if I find what I have been longing for. What if my search can finally be over. What if I can find my happily ever after. Is it worth taking the leap and just trusting. Just being myself and seeing who...if anyone accepts me. Is it worth feeling the fear in the free fall if I fall into the hands of my forever. I hope so.
So here I stand. Feet on the side of the pool. Knees bent. Ready to jump. Here I go in 5...4...3...2.... (to be continued)
