When I'm alone and untethered it seems like I have so much to write here. I will blog pretty consistently. I process my feelings and my lessons through the writing. It's my attempt to turn something painful into something meaningful. I'm attempting to cement my lessons for myself such that I only have to learn them through living them *once*, and I learn them "out loud" so that maybe anyone else could benefit and not have to learn them "the hard way."
In the early stages of a relationship I tend to continue writing though, with much less frequency. I write about important conversations and concepts that are being discussed. This is neither to air personal business nor to solicit outside input. Again, I process in writing. It helps me to digest my own thoughts and to ensure that I really grasp and am honest with myself and my Person about all angles of the conversation.
Once that stage has passed and we are into the meat and bones of the relationship my writing dwindles. I have very little to say to the outside world because my entire experience is intensely private. I have nothing left to process externally, and anything I need to process should, by necessity be done between the two of U/us. I also believe that any lessons learned in that stage are really only applicable to U/us... they are of no real value aside from entertainment value and that I have no interest in providing. So I go quiet. I tend to be here less and less frequently. I check up on friends and loved ones on occasion, but I'm not heavily invested in their journeys. I CARE, but because of who I am and how I operate I MUST do this.
There are a few reasons for that reality:
Remember... I attempt to learn my lessons only once!
One time, quite a number of years ago I fell into a "trap" of sorts. My life necessitates right now that my submission is by and large long distance, however, I'm a 24/7 lifestyle slave with a deep seated service submission leaning. Which means that I get my "good girl" from providing service. When you live with your Person then there are ample opportunities to provide that service, so the itch is getting scratched. When you do not and life does what life does, there are times that it just doesn't. This, for me, is dangerous! I have fallen into a trap when I remained active in the online community where I fell into serving (in non physical) ways, People who were not my Person. It was not about "cheating" it was not even conscious! I saw a need a friend had and I wanted to "be helpful". Human right? There's nothing wrong with that! Oh, but there is... there can be. See, it starts out very innocently and quite naturally, but it can build over time quite unintentionally. One favor turns into a habit. A couple of minutes of something easy turns into a time eating energy using routine... and if that "itch" that "good girl" is being regularly scratched by someone other than my Person that leads to attachment. Until one day you realize that without even realizing it you were, indeed, "cheating". I learned my lesson. I am careful to direct all of that time and energy towards Him, and He is a VERY wise man... He is careful to be sure that I have ample ways to directly and indirectly serve Him. More on that later. This lesson I mentally named "accidental submission or misplaced submission"
Another lesson is related to my own experience and process of attraction... I am a grey asexual. I've been open about this. For me, attraction comes directly from a sense of bond. I do not experience attraction on a purely visual or ... innate basis. Emotional attraction comes first and it must come from a few elements: respect, trust, and familiarity are absolutely necessary. Those lead to what I experience as physical desire; attraction on a mental, emotional, and physical level. This was very confusing to me as a young adult until I understood it. I ruined (walked away from or torpedoed) many VERY good relationships because I did not experience what I thought I was supposed to experience. I listened to others describe "chemistry" and because I didnt experience it I thought something was "wrong". Well, actually it was, that means I was missing one of those "necessary" elements.... but what I did often trade the relationship for was a friend turned relationship. Why? Because I was "attracted" to that friend... they hit all of those necessary elements and immediately turned into a love interest. So was I mistaking friendship for love? I just hadn't understood myself well enough yet. It took a lot of years to untangle it all, but the fallout and pertinent part is that when I'm in a relationship I have to be VERY careful to keep my friendships within very strict boundaries because they can easily mess with my head, my emotions, and my relationship.
Finally, I have to be very careful not to let others comment on the content of my relationship. This can mess things up in two ways... if someone I trusted makes a comment about my Person or "throws shade" on Him ... that is a death sentence to the friendship. I will cut you out quicker than you can say "oops!" I had an online group that was very important to me during Covid. It was one of the foundational elements for MstrJ and my relationship. In a moment, the leader of that group made a very backhanded comment to me about my Person (a comment which was completely unfounded and could not, in any context, have been intended to be constructive) and I "door slammed" that person (and the group) out of my life FOREVER. That person who was important to me is now forever branded as a snake in my mind and lost all credibility in a single conversation. Why do I react so dramatically? Again, a lesson I will not repeat. Once upon a time I was in a very "sick" relationship, but I did not realize how "sick" it was. Toooo many details to go into, but suffice it to say, I made a few mistakes and one of them was relying on a "friend" who presented themself to be just out to "help" me. However, he was really undermining my faith in my relationship. I let that happen. I listened to his comments and his "well intentioned questions" and I let him sway my thinking a bit. I now understand deeply how damaging those kinds of comments can be, because, once again I must feel trust and respect in order to feel attraction. If those things are damaged the relationship is doomed. Someone who is a true FRIEND of mine will understand this and keep out of it, they will support my relationship and never undermine it. Does that mean my friends have to be all sunshine and roses and pretend that our sh** doesn't stink? No! However, they know that for ME I honestly am not seeking nor interested in their input in this topic. Thank you. Respect me enough to understand and accept that. Can most DO that? nope! So I share very few details of my relationship.
So I've been quiet for the past... what... 4 years? W/we have been working O/our way through the ins and outs of our relationship day to day, week by week, year by year... and there was really nothing to discuss here. Nothing I wanted or needed input on. Nothing that would benefit anyone else. No reasonable reason to invite "trouble". Was it all smooth sailing? For the most part, honestly, YES! When it wasn't He knows exactly how to "right the ship" and set U/us back on course. When He needs a hot minute to do so, that's perfectly fine. W/we are GREAT at pivoting.
So why now? W/we are out in open sea and W/we know the course. Everything is going the right direction, and W/we are progressing in the right direction. O/our destination is in sight. Finally, I have something worth sharing which might benefit others, not just U/us. So over the coming days... weeks...months... no clue.. I'm going to begin to address the one question W/we have gotten so often. "How can Y/you do lifestyle M/s halfway around the world?"
The question has been posed in a lot of different contexts and with different wording. It's a fair question. Usually it has been posed without a judgy undertone, but at times there has been one. Usually it has been asked out of sincere interest. W/we dd address it as best W/we could when it has come up within the context of the one posing the question... but it does hold a larger value I believe... and I'm finally ready to address it here.
So... I'll be back soon,
I hope that my words will help or give food for thought to those who may benefit.
~Sincerely with hope, Faith, and a heart full of love,
His slaveMikayla{MstrJ}
^ I can not watch this without seeing Him... if you know Him, you know this is 100% His personality and it makes me grin from ear to ear. I have told You before and I will tell You again, I could not have prayed for you to exist because I could not have dreamed You up.
^His to me.
I'm going to quietly draw Your attention to a detail You never noticed, I'm sure in the video... try and find it in the context that You now live with me.... find the detail... relate it to where you went with Ramy and Yasser... <3 Still not in love with the video. The lyrics are good though <3