When I first met my Master the very first thing He decided to tackle was my inability to accept appreciation. I didn't know how to accept other people's words as truth for a plethora of reasons...
I was too hurt... I didn't like myself very much... just a lot.
We had talked about how in a previous very very abusive relationship I'd flat out broken down when the person said "I'm proud of you". I could hear and accept LOVE easily. "I love you" was easy. "I'm proud of you" damn near broke me.
A different previous partner used to tell me on the regular that I needed to trust myself more as a parent. That was something I definitely did not do. I don't think he was telling me that because He trusted me as a parent, but rather because he was on his way out the door and didn't want to have to give a sh** anymore.
So when MstrJ and I got down to business He decided that that was the first thing He needed and wanted to tackle with me. He has done an exceptionally good job at helping me walk past all of that. Past the inability to hear His words and accept them as true. Past my own self doubt and into reasonable judgment of the self. There are times I'm VERY proud of myself, there are times I am not. There are times I really adore myself, and there are times I let myself down. That's a reasonable rubric.
Over a year ago now someone important suggested that I revisit my needs posts and explain or describe how MstrJ meets those, and I've sat down more times than I can count to do just that... but then I stop. I've never been sure WHY I stop... it just hasn't felt *right*. Today I believe I understand why. I didn't understand or hadnt settled on a purpose, on a noble intention. I was deeply uncomfortable with it. One part of me felt like it would come off badly as "showing off" or rubbing this relationship in people's faces. That's ugly. Another part of me just didn't see the point in doing it publicly. I speak my appreciation directly to Him every single day, in many ways; meaningful ways. Words are words, but actions mean so much more... so WHY write it here? What was the point in that? It came across my mind yet again today and a lightbulb went off *finally*. Just as it has taken me a very long time to "get good at" accepting words of affirmation, I also struggle sometimes with saying them meaningfully. I speak with my actions, with my time, with my care, YES I say them, but I place much lower value on the spoken words, but something I do know is that words of affirmation are actually one of His primary Love Languages. So as much as He took the time to help me accept His, I need to take the time to make that my meaningful purpose; to speak those words in meaningful ways not just in ways I'm personally comfortable. So here goes stepping into my own discomfort and let's hope I get a bit better at it.
Time has always been a big need of mine.
When we met I was very very hurt. I did not hide this. I had done a lot of work on myself to be able to come to a relationship from a place of healing, but bless that man for all He had to put up with. One of the first things He knew is that in my most recent very important relationship I'd experienced a lot of loss in regard to *time*. I'd watched the time I was given go from hours a day down to waiting for just 10 minutes a day. Constantly being "on call" and "on alert" so that I didn't miss my time. Then out of literally nowhere everything was abruptly cut off and I was once again *dropped*. A relationship prior to that had really ingrained a massive fear of abrupt abandonment. Multiple times I'd just woken up to "I'm gone" out of nowhere. I had no trust, really, and time was one indicator that I held on to. I needed to know that He was reliable, that He would make time intentionally for me, and that He would not disappear. One of the very first promises He made to me is that no matter what, in some form or another, He would see me *every single day*. I would see His face EVERY. SINGLE.DAY. .... and in over 3 years not a single day has passed that He has not kept that promise.
At first it was just consistency that mattered. For sure we were in that honeymoon excited getting to know you stage where we could talk about new subjects every single day for 15 hours a day and be excited to do it all over again. It's that "getting to know you" ... but as the years have passed of course there is less and less to discover, but that hasnt made the time any less fun or desired or valuable. See, it isn't just *time* that He spends. It's how intentional and giving He is with His time. He makes U/us a priority, every. single. day.
Over the years the time we spend varies by season (literal or metaphorical), but what has also changed is the motivation behind it. I am no longer afraid of losing time. Not because I take him for granted, or his time for granted... but because I have learned the hardest thing; to believe Him, believe in Him, and to rely on it. I KNOW that if W/we don't have much time today it isn't because He is bored, or annoyed, or looking elsewhere. I know it in my bones. I don't even have to question it. I KNOW He wants to spend time, but at the same time Time for U/us is also time handling family, and friends, and hobbies, and work... because all of those things are areas of life W/we share! When He is with family, He is saying "hi" for me, and sharing about what's going on in my world with them. When He is playing golf He is having a great time doing something W/we have made memories together with.
W/we spend time with O/our little nuclear family just the three of U/us. I know too that that time is WANTED... this is another way He is different and exceptional. People before Him made me feel like my responsibility to my kiddo was something they had to "put up with" and that time with her was a burden. (reason why I did not like myself very much) I can't tell you how many times He PICKS family time, genuinely. How much it helps ME when He tells ME that it's good and right to prioritize that time either the three of U/us or she and I.
His time is one of the greatest gifts He gives to me, and I can not begin to express my gratitude for that gift.
~His slaveMikayla