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Once you are made REAL

I, like the velveteen rabbit, have been made REAL. I have gone through the process of seeing my own truest self and nature. I know WHO I am, and that can never be taken from me.
I am a slave hearted submissive with a heart the size of the ocean and an emotional capacity wider than the sky.
I am a woman of Faith, though a believer of the truth and validity many religions.
I am a singer, a trained chef, and an amateur artist of no remarkable talent ^__^.
I am above all else; myself, the velveteen slave.
The Man who "made me Real" has moved on from the chapter of my life, however I will always remain with the deep and abiding understanding of who I am; for "once you are made real you can never be made unreal again."

This blog is a catalogue of my journey. It includes the lessons that I've learned while walking down my path. It serves to help me remember those lessons that I might retain them. It is my hope that it can provide insight to others as well, perhaps spark an understanding or a feeling of camaraderie.

~The Velveteen slave; Faith; His Mikayla{MstrJ}

*The girl accepted MstrJ's collar on 2/10/22 and her new name; Mikayla <3
1 month ago. May 12, 2024 at 6:04 PM

45!!!

Time is flying man!

 

I absolutely had a different post in mind for today, and then life happens and messages pop up out of nowhere and spin trains of thought around. 

 

You can know something and not KNOW it. You can believe something and not BELIEVE it. 

You can be committed to something or someone and then a situation comes up and smacks you in the face with the realization of just how COMMITTED you are (or potentially aren't). 

Prior to MstrJ I've never had a moment of knowing something WAS... it's always been knowing it *WASNT*

 

I knew my relationship with my first husband was over... over over... when after we'd been separated for over a year, he went to touch an area of my chest and without a second thought I smacked his hand away. I knew in that instant it was 100% over. 

 

I felt the moment any hope for a real relationship with my forever best friend died... I felt it like a sinking feeling. A cold knowledge of certainty. "How does it make you feel when you see me be submissive towards you?" "Not much to be honest... I mean it makes YOU giddy... so there's that." "But you get nothing out of it?" "No, not really". ..... "This isn't going to work is it?" "I'm thinking not." Well shit. 

Then there's MstrJ and there have been a few moments of *knowing* ...

I knew the minute I "let Him in"

I have never been ok with people I dont care who, being around me when I'm having an aspergers meltdown. It's out of control. It's embarrassing. It's vulnerable. It's frightening. It's ugly. .... He knew I was not ok and called. I looked at the call and made a decision and answered. I couldn't talk. I couldn't communicate. All I could do was sit in a ball beside my couch in the corner and cry ugly uncontrolled tears. He waited. He cooked. He did whatever He did until I was able to communicate. Then He listened. 

He didn't judge me. He didn't act annoyed. He didn't try to calm me down or make me feel like I was being dramatic. He also didn't help (and that's the RIGHT thing, because there is nothing to DO or HELP... it just is.) All He did was listen and exist and be ok with my not being okay. I knew then that I'd never hide again. I had let Him in. 

 

I knew the minute that I truly trusted Him. 

I don't ask for favors easily. I don't like to have expectations because they lead to disappointment. I don't like to ask for things because again... disappointment. I REALLY don't like to ask for things I NEED or WANT because then if I'm not heard or the answer is no, then it feels like a rejection that's important not just ... careless? There was a day that I found out my mom was 24 hours from being evicted from her home. She is going to be 80 in a few days. She is extremely handicapped and has been my whole life. We have been homeless three times in my life. I don't have much that would break me to lose... I keep everything *important* in a backpack, and I have to know where that backpack is at all times. I have exactly 5 things in my mom's house that would break my heart to lose. 

MstrJ and I made plans, if needs be, to rent a truck and drive down to her home and solve it on a moment's notice. I knew then I could *need*... and it would be okay... it's okay for things to be inconvenient... it's okay for things to be important... it's safe. He isn't going to let me down. 

 

I could tell you 100 stories of these realizations... but another one happened today. My last relationship ended VERY abruptly. It ended unexpectedly. It broke a part of me. I remember being on my knees beside my bed screaming at the top of my lungs into my pillow *I don't want to DO this again!* I don't want to let anyone in again! I CANT do this again! ... I felt absolutely broken. I felt completely incapable. I had given EVERYTHING every single ounce of my being to this person who surreptitiously dropped me 10 days before my final custody hearing. I couldn't DO more... I couldn't BE better. How can you DO more and BE better if you have given absolutely every single ounce of yourself? 

*knife to my soul level stuff there*

It took a very long time for me to stop pining for this person. Actually it took someone here speaking very important words to me... He is no longer here, but someone with a background in things too old for most of you to know spoke words I could not argue with: "You have been released. You have only one more thing you can do to serve your Master... you can cry and wail and dishonor him... or you can stand up and go with dignity.. which will it be?" It took a long time for me to stop wishing that he would come back for me. Realize what a mistake he had made. Realize I was worth working for or fighting for... or waiting for... or whatever. 

 

But then... rain in the desert. 

Over the last four years I have learned that I was not getting what *I* needed. I was not being loved the way *I* needed. I learned that in that relationship maybe I HAD given everything I was... every last ounce of me... but that had not been returned. I've never had that returned, not even in a fraction. I learned what compatibility looks like, feels like.... I learned what it means to be LOVED. 

 

.... and now that  I do... I know I can never EVER accept anything less. I would not have wanted it. THANK GOD I was dropped. Thank GOD for unanswered prayers. Thank GOD for being found wanting because if I hadn't been... I'd have never known what love like rain in the desert feels like. 

 

Thank You Master for loving me in all the ways You do. Thank you for every single freaking minute. Thank You for all of the ways You show up every single day. Thank You for trustworthiness. Thank You for patience. Thank You for care. Thank You for time. Thank You for understanding. Thank You for prioritizing me and my needs as much or more than I do Yours. Thank You for the gift of You. I pray I'm always worthy.

 

 

His slaveMikayla

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/dc/cd/60/dccd60bbcebfa01997bb9ff6f54a29ee.jpg

 


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