How To Be A Dom

Obedience Training is comprised of several parts. It is a goal, an Engine and a Tool all wrapped into one nice package.

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Obedience as a goal is obvious. Every Owner wants their slave to be obedient to their commands. This is an integral part of what enslavement is. As property, a slave is expected to obey their Owner and to do or not do whatever their Owner desires.

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Obedience as a tool is also somewhat obvious, at least to most, if not everyone, doing this. A slave who becomes habituated to obeying some commands is much more likely to obey other commands that are similar or perhaps very different from the commands they have been obeying.

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Obedience as an engine of enslavement seems to be similar to its use as a tool, but there is a difference, as it is also a general rather than a specific Enforcer and Reinforcer. This is because obedience can be more important than what is being obeyed.

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Obedience is not always automatic. This is especially true of new slaves. Even for simple orders, there is an internal questioning of "What exactly is being wanted?” "Why is this wanted? and "Should I obey?" Some questions are answered very simply and easily, as the answers are obvious. Some are not. If I command a slave to bring me a cup of coffee, there are some internal questions, but what I want is very obvious. I want a cup of coffee.

Exactly how I want my coffee is a reasonable internal question or external if the slave has never brought me a cup of coffee before. How hot, cream, sugar, sweetener, which type of coffee, etc. If the slave has brought me a hundred cups of coffee before, I expect that the last question has long since been answered, and she knows how I like it. With experience, she also knows how I want it served, whether it is just to be brought and set down or to be formally served. Perhaps I stated a preference in the command, and she then questions if she knows how to perform as required.

The harder question is, should she obey? Obviously, my slave should obey my command for a cup of coffee. She knows the answer to this question. But, is she doing something else that should not be interrupted, or that she does not want to interrupt, and so should she get it when she has time to get it, or when she feels like getting it? This is really the enslavement question. The rest are details. Obedience Training removes the "Should I obey" question.

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The following is an example of one training practice that uses all three forms of Obedience Training. Most, but not quite all Owners train their slaves in certain formal slave positions. The Gorean Slave Positions are one of the most common sources of these. I will use them for this example as they are both formal and practical positions for a slave to learn.

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The expectation when a slave is given a specific position name as a command is for them to go into that position as quickly and gracefully as they can and to hold it until told to release or change to a new position. The questions about what and why are answered when you tell the slave they are going to practice various positions and practice doing them correctly, but most importantly, they are going to practice obeying your commands for each position.

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The goal is for the slave learning, obeying and performing the slave positions properly when commanded to do so. The tool is the obedience to commands. The slave positions themselves act as physical reinforcers of her enslavement to the Master.

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When you practice, you repeat the same actions to learn something. This is an obvious procedure and doesn't take much thought to understand. It easily slides past the what is required and the “why should it be done” internal questions. If the slave wants to serve her Owner, then the practice has a low threshold of resistance to performing the task, just as getting a cup of coffee also has a low threshold because the what and why are easily understood.

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During the practice, the slave repeatedly obeys the commands and does not keep asking if she should obey, as that was answered at the beginning of the practice. The repetition of obedience is the engine that drives future obedience. During the practice, the expectation of obedience is there, and the questions are not repeated with each command. The more someone obeys simple commands, the more they will obey more complicated commands. Each time the resistance to obedience is overcome, there will be marginally less resistance to any new command.

Many simple acts of obedience without the internal questions will layer up to the slave obeying complicated ones. Starting with many small acts of obedience works better than beginning with the complicated ones that can be confusing or may require more trust that has not yet been earned from the slave. It is slower, but the Dwell Time for automatic obedience is much longer than the more complicated commands, which will likely result in internal questions that are asked every time the command is given.

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There is such a thing as reinforcing a reinforcer. Quick, positive reinforcement of the correctly done obedience is the best way to do this. Second to that, especially in something like the slave positions example, is correcting what is not or not quite correct and having it done over. In true practice, corrections and repetitions until correct work very well. Punishments or negative reinforcement do not work as well, unless you consider doing something again and again until it is done correctly as a form of punishment.

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Remember that not everything will have only one purpose or use when it is part of consensual enslavement. In this case, a session practicing the slave positions has many useful items all layered together, along with the expenditure of energy on the part of the slave, which can have other uses as well. A good Owner, Master, or Trainer will have several goals for most of the tools he uses when working with and training a slave, including reinforcing her enslavement.

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Kegel Exercises consist of repeatedly contracting and releasing the pelvic floor muscles in both men and women, and in women, also the vaginal muscles. It has benefits for both men and women, but they are mostly done by women.

​As a tool, they are used as a form of exercise as well as Control. Having someone else control the exercise by gauging the strength of contraction by finger insertion, as well as controlling the number and duration of contractions, adds another Layer of control.

It can add a Sexualization component as well as forcing some level of submission via the control. It combines with Humbling or even Humiliation until the slave becomes accustomed to the exercise and someone else controlling it. Kegels can be measured via the anus as well as the vagina or both simultaneously.

I have seen advertised a vaginally insertable device which will measure the strength and duration of the contraction and transmit it to a cellphone app to show and record it.

I find that women who can control their coochie muscles give the best sex, the way they can milk you. I teach my sub how to please me hands-free. If you think you're good now, learn this technique, and you can thank me later. Learn and have fun. lol

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The primary usage of this tool is the Owner’s Control over what the slave is allowed to wear, plus when and where they may wear something. Consensual slavery is primarily about one person surrendering control of themselves, their body, their time, and their activities to another. This is a simple yet powerful example of this form of control.

​Second is the immediate visual distinction between the slave and the free person. In some groups, this can be important enough to write clothing restrictions or requirements into their rules for slaves at their meetings and events. The knowledge of this custom is also a factor in the Enforcement and Reinforcement of Control. A slave Collar works similarly.

​The third use is the exposure of the parts of the slave’s body that most societies keep covered. This is the use of Control, Humbling, and/or Humiliation, depending on the slave and the circumstances. It can also be stimulating and arousing for the slave at the same time. Being nude around others will have a Sexualization component in some people, and that component can be created or modified by a slave being nude.

​Fourth, clothing is a symbol of Status. If the Owner or other people are clothed and the slave is not, it marks their status as different and lower. Also, the clothing someone wears often denotes status, wealth, or something about the wearer. Without any clothing, all that status is lost. This lowers the slaves’ status to themselves and everyone else, causing a difference in behavior and attitude. Some groups hold dinners, and maybe dances, where the Free are fully clothed, sometimes formally clothed, and the slaves are all nude, with exceptions sometimes for masks and/or shoes.

​The fifth use of the tool is barrier removal. Clothing can be a barrier between people. From the type of clothing to its status, it is still something that the slave hides behind and within. When the clothing barrier is removed, the slave will open up more to their Owner, as one of the main barriers or protections has been removed, and psychologically, other barriers and defenses are lowered as well.

​Sixth and last is that it ensures the slave’s body is completely accessible to their Owner. When physical accessibility is no longer under the slave’s control, it deepens and reinforces the lack of personal control and the control of someone over them, including the parts that they would be the only one to control access to. This is especially true when the owner takes frequent advantage of that accessibility.

​I have found that slaves who are kept continuously nude for several days lose much of their body modesty by the second or third day and, in that setting, effectively all of it by the end of the first week. It gets to the point where it seems strange to them when they are allowed or required to wear clothing again. This body modesty will reappear to some extent depending on the setting, but in all cases, the longer they are nude, even in one setting such as the home, the easier it will be for them to be nude or partially nude in other settings and situations.

​Nudity can also be used as part of Rituals or a Transition point between the world and the home, where the slave must act and be free in many ways outside the home and returns to being a slave full-time once more when at home. Effectively, they shed the outside world with their clothing as part of a Ritual after coming home to reaffirm their status as slaves. Many people have found this to be an effective reinforcement.

​Some people require nudity of their slaves all the time or some of the time. However, some do not because some are very much into leather or Fetish clothing. Since clothing is a fetish for some, they use certain types of clothing as a requirement for their slaves, and that is okay. While nudity is a very popular tool, it is not necessary in training or reinforcing enslavement. An Owner chooses the best tools that fit their lifestyle, fetishes, and desires. Judgment should not be used when noting how someone else trains their slave using this tool. There should be the understanding that “to each their own” is a valid philosophy in consensual enslavement.

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I am grouping these because they are variations on a theme. Each one is used by some group or groups, but not all groups. Remember that these are enslavement-type relationships, not general or BDSM types.

PE – Power Exchange/PT – Power Transfer:

This is the generic term that includes all power exchange/transfer or Dom/sub, Master/slave, and Owner/property relationships.

​TPE – Total Power Exchange:

This is the original term to indicate that one party transfers the power in the relationship to another person with something in return for something. The exchange may be for love, support, the feelings that come from being in the control of someone else, or whatever the two people agree should be done in the relationship.

TPT – Total Power Transfer:

This is a version of TPE that indicates that the dominant party takes everything from the submissive party and does not guarantee anything in exchange. The transfer is strictly one-way. This is closer to legal slavery, but it is still within the bounds of consensual slavery.

O&P – Owner and Property:

Owner and Property is a new naming of a type of consensual enslavement relationship that Tanos of Internal Enslavement created to deal with the relationships that involve enslavement without the emphasis on romance between the Owner and their Property. This type of relationship is always on. There is no time off, no safewords, no exceptions where the slave is not a slave. It is very owner-focused. This was originally defined in the Owner and Property Manifesto by Tanos.

​EPT – Erotic Power Transfer:

This is a somewhat new term that I have not seen very much. It seems to be just another version of TPE or TPT. EPT also seems to be used to indicate that most of the control is sex based rather than general control or slavery only in the bedroom.

Consensual Enslavement:

Consensual Enslavement is the process by which someone is trained to be a slave in a Consensual Slavery relationship. It involves changing the slaves’ mindset and modes of thinking about themselves, others, and how they relate to the world around them, and reinforcing that mindset. The change is going from the mindset of a free person to that of owned property.

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Consensual Non-consent:

This is the concept that someone can give prior consent to be involved in things to do or be forced to do things they might not otherwise give their consent to do. It is also simply called prior consent. This form of prior consent is considered given by the Submissive to the Dominant at the time of formal enslavement. That point is usually some form of Collaring Ceremony.

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This concept is common in sports where participants give their prior consent to the physical or violent contact with other players. Things that could be assault or battery outside of a game are not illegal because of the consent to participate given when you participate in the sport. You understand the risks but assume them when you choose to be in the game.

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The same is true of Consensual Enslavement and Consensual Slavery. Only those who choose to participate and understand the risks and dangers should be involved. By their, or your, participation, you give consent to what may happen. Because prior consent is given before the slave knows what all will happen, the Last Free Choice of who their owner will be is so very important.

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Consensual Slavery:

Consensual Slavery is a relationship form in which the submissive partner gives up control; often complete control, of the relationship, their actions, bodies and sexual activities to the dominant partner. This can include the exercise of their legal rights. It also includes the right for the dominant partner to punish disobedience to the dominant’s commands. This can be very similar to domestic abuse and may appear to be so from the outside. It is not abuse because the slave voluntarily gives the control out of emotional attachment and/or a wish to serve rather than out of fear.

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Of course, it is dangerous. It is dangerous in the damage that could be caused, not just that others can see, hear, or know what it is we are doing. Consensual Enslavement is a form of brainwashing when it comes down to the base level. That is a dangerous thing to do to someone, even with their consent.

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Ethics is something I also want to talk about here. If you don't have and keep to what could be considered safe and proper behavior, this can quickly change to damage and abuse very quickly. The only thing that might be worse is deliberately doing stupid things with someone.

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Internal Enslavement:

Internal Enslavement is a term for a combination of methods and goals whereby, with the consent of the person enslaved, they are neurologically rewired into a state which puts service to another, with primary focus on the slave's owner, ahead of other pleasure-seeking activities, and who is cognitively conditioned to self-identify themselves as a slave or owned property of a specific person.

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Internal Enslavement as a concept was created by an Englishman known as Tanos to combine and codify his knowledge and means of internalizing consensual enslavement. 

 The early essays by Tanos and others were collected starting about the year 2000. Those essays and the theories have proved very useful in the understanding of consensual enslavement.

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Internal enslavement is a state where the slave has their slavery internalized as their new default state. Masochists are not necessarily slave material. They seek sensation, usually in the form of pain and sometimes other forms of suffering, for their own reasons. You do not need to make someone suffer to enslave them. The desire to serve and even suffer for someone if it makes them happy, on the other hand, is much more common among slaves than most groups, and they often get mistaken for masochists rather than the other-directed submissive, which they really are.
 

What do you call someone who is involved in consensual enslavement, BDSM, or similar relationships? When you limit it to consensual enslavement, you pretty much are down to two titles: Master/Mistress and slave. However, in practice, a lot of other titles get used as well, especially in the BDSM environment, where things can be very blurred at times. I am including a number of the BDSM titles as well. The list is partly by type, not strictly alphabetical. There is a theme to the presentation. I try to keep connected titles together, especially the ones usually separated by a slash in writing. Where there are male/female versions, I am usually including both.

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The titles are not absolutely gender dependent, and there is currently a trend to remove gender and use the nominally male form of the word regardless of gender. My default in writing here is male dominant and female submissive, but for the practical application of most things, gender is completely interchangeable with or without the grammatical changes.

​Free:

This is a person who is not a sub or a slave, but is usually only used as the opposite of a slave. It can be the controlling partner without a specific title or refer to anyone who is not a sub or slave and not in a consensual slavery relationship.

​Top:

This person who does things in a BDSM scene or play to someone else. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

​Bottom:

The person to whom things are done to in a BDSM scene or play. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

​Dom/Domme:

Male/female forms, which are short for Dominant in the BDSM sense. This is the controlling partner in a Dom/sub relationship.

​Sub:

This is short for Submissive in the BDSM sense. This is the non-controlling partner in a Dom/sub relationship. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

​Master/Mistress:

Male/female forms which indicate owners of slaves, usually in the BDSM sense. This is also what a slave will call any non-slave or free person in the Gorean community to show the slave’s status relationship to them. They will add “my” to this to indicate their own Master/Mistress. This is the controlling partner in a Master/slave relationship.

​Slave:

This is the non-controlling partner in a Master/slave relationship. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

​Owner:

This is the controlling partner in an Owner/property relationship. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

​Property:

This is the non-controlling partner in an Owner/property relationship. There is no male/female differentiation for the title. It is also sometimes used generically for anyone in a consensual slavery type relationship who is a slave.

​Kajira/Kajirus:

These are the female/male terms for a slave in a Gorean relationship. The words come from the fictional Gorean language in the Gor books. Gorean slaves use Master/Mistress to refer to any free man or woman. That usage does not indicate ownership, only the relation status of the slave to any free person.

​Boi:

A term for a female submissive who acts and presents as a male.

​Sissy:

A term for a male submissive who acts and presents as a female.

​Pet:

A term for a submissive who is kept as a pet as opposed to another type of submissive. It may or may not mean the pet is pretending to be an animal.

​Daddy/Mommy:

Male/female forms where the Dominant acts more like a parent controlling their child than an owner of property**,** plus sex. These are mostly male-dominant/female submissive relationships. The dominant males are sometimes called a Daddy Dom.

​Little/Baby:

This is the child portion of an adult/child dominant/submissive relationship. There is no male/female differentiation for the title.

This is another topic that is viewed better as a group or list than as an individual item. I am open to more types if you think other versions are not included here. It is not exhaustive, nor is it intended to be. The list places more emphasis on the main consensual enslavement types of service than on a unique type of enslavement, although it can be that. Consensual enslavement can include and usually does include more than one type below. There are very few that are pure types in practice.

​Domestic:

This includes household domestic services such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. It is often described as maid or 50’s housewife types of activities. These activities can be done in any style of slavery, but are most common in conjunction with service and free-form consensual slavery.

​Financial:

This is usually males giving money to professional Dommes as their kink or fetish to be forced to provide for someone**,** and mostly just getting abuse in return.

​Free Form:

This is probably the most common form of consensual slavery. The Master makes up things as he goes along, and the slave obeys. It is almost always a relationship rather than a service-based. The slave usually serves out of love for their owner.

​Love:

This is where the enslavement is based on the love of the slave for their owner. It is also called romantic slavery. This is the ideal concept of many women who read romance books where the handsome nobleman or sheikh takes a woman as a slave**,** and he falls madly in love with her. It is where the submission comes from, loving the owner and the Mastery from the owner loving the slave.

​Pain:

This type of slavery is mostly about how much pain the slave can take from their owner. They show their submission and enslavement by accepting more and more pain. Many D/s relationships are based on play**,** especially pain play. This is not as common in M/s relationships.

Pet:

This type of slavery is where the slave acts the part of a pet, either literally, as in pretending to be a dog, cat, pony**,** or other animal, or they are kept as a human pet, where they remain human but are treated more like a pet animal.

​Pig:

This type of slavery is marked by heavy Humiliation, and no limits to sexual usage, pain play, or abuse outside of those either agreed on or the owner’s limits.

​Relationship:

This is usually couples, often married or boyfriend/girlfriend, where one is in control of the other. The slave serves out of love and affection for their owner and to continue the relationship**,** and much of the enslavement is the slave agreeing to obey and serve, and doing so to fulfill their agreement and their relationship.

​Service:

This type of slavery is the most common among Leather and Gorean Traditions. The slave can do any type of service**,** but most of the time it includes domestic and can include, but does not need to include, sexual service. It may include working to provide an income for the household. In many ways, it is the same things a spouse does in a standard marriage.

​Sexual:

This type of slaves has the slave is kept mostly for sex. They may do a few other things, but the emphasis of the enslavement is sex.

​Trophy:

This type of slave keeps the slave for how they look and so that they can be shown to others to proclaim how beautiful a person the owner has enslaved**,** which presumably says something positive about the owner. This type may include other types of service, with sexual being the main one.

​Work:

The slave is kept to do work for the owner, usually without pay. This is closest to the classical forms of involuntary slavery. The value of the work goes to the owner.

Which one will you be for me?

In the tapestry of modern Western society, women are often presented with a singular, compelling narrative: independence is the ultimate zenith of personal achievement. We are told to forge our own paths, to be self-sufficient, to embrace a boundless freedom that, in theory, should lead to ultimate fulfillment. Yet, for many, this very freedom, when untethered, paradoxically leads to a deep, persistent ache of loneliness. It’s a sense of being adrift in a sea of infinite choices, without the anchor of genuine connection or the guiding hand of a trusted partner.

This isn’t a critique of independence itself, but rather an examination of a societal paradox. The narrative often overlooks a fundamental truth about human connection: true partnership, particularly with men who offer substantial security—financial, emotional, and spiritual—often thrives on a dynamic of mutual appreciation and perceived need.

Men capable of providing such comprehensive support rarely seek partners who project an image of absolute self-containment, as it can inadvertently signal a lack of appreciation for their protective and providing instincts. This dynamic, while perhaps uncomfortable to acknowledge in a culture that champions unbridled autonomy, leaves many women feeling undervalued by powerful, capable men, making them vulnerable to transactional relationships with those who offer little genuine enhancement to their lives.

The Fleeting Nature of Youth and the Call for Discipline

We are constantly urged to seize the day, to live life to the fullest, to leverage the vibrant energy of our youth. But how often do we truly pause to consider the ephemeral nature of these gifts? The years don’t merely pass; they accelerate, carrying with them the unburdened spirit and boundless energy of our prime. These are not infinite resources. They are precious, temporary gifts, and the internal clock, though unspoken, relentlessly marks their passage.

This realization isn’t meant to instill fear, but to awaken a profound awareness. It’s an invitation to reflect on the desires we suppress, the dreams we defer, and the yearning for a more structured, purposeful existence. If life itself is a temporary journey, what truly meaningful experiences are we postponing? What kind of genuine connection, what kind of discipline and growth, are we genuinely waiting for?

For many, the answer lies in embracing a different kind of ownership – not just of their choices, but of their desires, their vulnerabilities, and their capacity for fulfillment through a dynamic that offers both structure and immense pleasure. This is where the path of the Pleasure Dom offers a compelling alternative to the often-unfulfilling transactional nature of modern relationships.

Pleasure Dom: A Path to Security and Confidence Through Kink

The Pleasure Dom dynamic, at its core, is about a dominant partner whose artistry lies in orchestrating experiences that maximize the submissive’s delight and growth. It’s a relationship built on trust, where the Dom derives immense satisfaction from providing profound pleasure and guiding their submissive towards deeper fulfillment. This isn’t about pain or degradation, but about a shared journey of exploration, sensation, and emotional intimacy. It’s a kink that emphasizes care, communication, and the intentional pursuit of joy.

Within this dynamic, discipline becomes a powerful tool for personal transformation. It’s a form of love, a structured framework that builds confidence and security. When a submissive commits to the guidance of a dominant partner, they are not losing freedom; they are gaining a different kind of liberation.

They are freed from the burden of endless decision-making, from the constant self-doubt that plagues so many in an unstructured existence. The Dom, through consistent and responsible guidance, repeatedly confirms their commitment to the submissive’s well-being, maximizing their pleasure not just in intimate moments, but throughout their entire life.

This practice of loving discipline builds an unbreakable bond of trust. The Pleasure Dom is responsible, caring not only for the submissive’s experience within a scene but also for their overall growth and happiness. This consistent care fosters a deep sense of security that many women crave but rarely find in a world that often feels transactional and emotionally distant.

The Role of A Pleasure Dom In Aftercare:

Solidifying Trust and Connection. An integral part of the Pleasure Dom dynamic, and indeed any healthy kink relationship, is aftercare. This isn’t merely a post-scene ritual; it’s a vital component that solidifies trust, deepens connection, and ensures the submissive’s emotional and physical well-being. Aftercare, whether it’s gentle cuddles, reassuring words, or simply holding space for reflection, is where the intense emotions of a scene are processed and integrated. It’s the moment when the dominant partner demonstrates their unwavering care, providing comfort and reinforcing the security of the bond.

For the submissive, this gentle attention after a period of intense surrender is crucial. It allows for the release of endorphins and other neurochemicals, fostering a sense of peace and contentment. It’s a physical manifestation of the Dom’s commitment, a tangible reminder that they are seen, valued, and cherished. This consistent, loving aftercare builds an emotional intimacy that transcends the physical, creating a space where the submissive feels truly safe and loved.

Embracing Your Path to Fulfillment

The unspoken clock continues to tick. The question isn’t whether time will pass, but how you choose to fill it. Will you continue to navigate the complexities of modern life feeling isolated and overwhelmed by endless choices? Or will you explore a path that offers genuine security, profound pleasure, and the fulfillment that comes from a disciplined, caring connection?

The Pleasure Dom dynamic offers a unique answer to the paradox of freedom and ownership that has left many women feeling unmoored. It’s an invitation to embrace a form of kink where discipline is love, aftercare is trust, and the journey is one of shared growth and ultimate fulfillment. It’s about finding a partner who not only sees your desires but actively orchestrates your deepest pleasure and helps you build the confidence to truly own your life.

To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy relationship, it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.

The most common reason most relationships, vanilla and kink alike, fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from the outset. Unfortunately, it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.

If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.

Honesty is Hard

Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?

This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.

It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job to have the balls to step up.

For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike

While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.

For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Integrating Honesty with Dominance

Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something, your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can be.

To have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.

Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.

To do this, a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.

Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.

To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:

A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits, you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Honesty is More than Words

It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty; it’s barely halfway there.

The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.

Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.

Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.

On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.

Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel at that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.

On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.

Use Honesty as a Weapon

Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early ’90s.

Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can think of at that moment.

Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts, “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”

You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead, just say what’s on your mind, “Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”

Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.

One Last Tip

In the article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, they talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.

A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:

You know of a scenario that will happen to you in the near future.
You know from experience how you will likely be feeling at that moment.
You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty at the moment.

The catch is that your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.

If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.

It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.

So you’re probably here because you’re thinking about training a sub. You’re a dom, and you like to take charge and control things. However, you probably don’t just like the idea of someone following your every command. It’s more about intimacy, isn’t it? Somebody willing to lose herself completely to you and serve you with every inch of herself because she trusts you— completely. It is with this mindset that we desire to train our subs

Why we need to train our subs

So you need to ask yourselves first, why do you want to train a sub? What is the goal? What do you want to get out of it? Until you can answer those questions clearly and thoroughly, you shouldn’t go any further. Spend time and consider those questions carefully because there are three major reasons or goals for submissive training:

Skills Development

The first is general skill development. Maybe you want your sub to know how to massage you or cook for you, or clean your house. You don’t have to be the actual person to do the training. Especially if you don’t even have any idea how to do it yourself. You can send them elsewhere where other people can do the training for you.

Dom’s Preferences

The second purpose of training is to teach them the things that you prefer. For example, how you like your food prepared. For this one, you can’t send them to training schools because this is something unique to only YOU. Unless you have an alpha slave, it’s you who has to do all the heavy lifting on this one. This is to refine the general skills that they’ve learned. You can send them to a yoga class or ask them to train for a marathon to improve their flexibility, stamina, and endurance, but knowing how far apart you want their knees when they’re kneeling requires specialized instruction from you.

Sub’s Personal Goals

This one is primarily for the sub. Maybe there are things that the sub wants to learn or change. It can be a bad habit that she wants to get rid of. Maybe she wants to stay on track with a project that she’s long put on hold. It can be about a diet that she wants to start and maintain. It can also be about helping her make time for a hobby that calms her. These are only some of the things that make a dom’s relationship with a sub important and special. It’s a common misconception among people outside the BDSM community that doms just want to enslave someone. A true dom cares for his sub and ensures that her desires are also taken care of.

Determining what the sub is getting from the relationship

For outsiders, they can’t quite grasp the idea that someone will be willing enough to lose themselves completely to someone else. But the sub has her own reasons, and you must take that into consideration because these factors will determine whether you are in a compatible relationship and whether training is likely to result in a strong, positive relationship. It would also determine the training approach that is most likely to be successful.

So, once and for all, what fulfills subs and drives their submission?

Actively serving others—They genuinely want to be of service to someone. They get pleasure from doing things for others, like cooking or performing oral sex.

Passive service—things that the subs allow to be done to them for the pleasure or benefit of others, such as getting whipped, getting “used for sex”.

Sub’s independence – They want to act on their own, without the direct intervention or command of the dom.

Selflessness –Pleasing others motivates them. You must not only consider this before continuing the relationship. You must also give proper attention to the training you want to embark on. For example, a person who derives pleasure from being in service does not need to be punished very often. If you are not careful and you punish them a lot or don’t show any facial expression of satisfaction for the things they are doing, they may interpret it as “undesirable behavior”. As such, they will stop doing that just because you were not careful with the feedback you are sending. You will learn more about this as you read on.

At other times, the sub may get fulfillment, not from the task itself but the control it represents. Getting control is getting attention. Subs would occasionally misbehave intentionally to get punishment. Not because they like to get punished, but because you will now pay attention to them. This also reminds them of the power you have over them. They need that reminder, or they will seek it from you by acting out. So be proactive about it.Conditioning your sub

Conditioning your sub

The primary goal in training our subs is to present them with a “stimulus” and have them react the way we prefer. If you’ve heard of Pavlov, then maybe “Classical Conditioning” will ring a bell to you (did you see what I did there?). The simplest way to understand the concept is through Pavlov’s dog. Every time he would feed the dog, he would ring a bell to signal that food is to be given. He did this repeatedly until eventually, even when there is no food, just the ring of the bell would make the dog salivate.

Training a sub is essentially like that. I’m not saying that you need to train your sub to be a dog. What we want is for your sub to react CONSISTENTLY to you. When you issue a command or suggestion, it should be good as done.

A simple translation of this concept to the kink is when you use a particular sex toy. For example, a dildo. If you use it frequently enough, it could elicit a desired sexual arousal response. Or even just a simple command. For example, you say, “Spread your legs, slave.” Done correctly, just saying these words could trigger your slave to be wet and execute the command instantly. The command is the stimulus.’

Rewards and Punishments

This is still technically part of conditioning your sub but this is where we will delve even deeper. This is what most people think of when you talk about training a sub. It’s about rewards and punishments. It’s about what the dom does that could encourage or discourage a sub’s behavior. This includes EVERYTHING you do. From your facial expressions, body language to the words you use and the way you talk to them. Everything. Our brains are programmed to pick up on patterns very quickly and adapt to them. That is why it’s important that you must be very careful with using rewards and punishments.

For example, you want to train your sub to say “please” and “thank you” when she wants something. When she wants you to bite her neck, and she doesn’t say “please” like how you commanded her to, you can slap her or whip her. Punishment for her non-compliance with your previous instruction. Eventually, she will learn that if she doesn’t say those magic words, she will be met with negative consequences. As such, she will do it permanently for every request from then on.

Just remember, though, that punishment isn’t always about a “physical punishment” (i.e, slapping, whipping). It can be removing a positive thing that the sub likes. For example, if she failed to do your laundry, you can “punish” her by not letting her orgasm for a whole week. In this instance, you removed something that she desires and would cause her distress.

Furthermore, punishment is not the only way you can reinforce the behavior. This is what rewards are for. There are two kinds of rewards: positive and negative. A positive reward is pretty straightforward. You give the sub a smile or a “good job!”. The negative reward is something like this: for example, you give her nipple clamps. These are very uncomfortable for her. But then you say that if she is good and obedient, you will take it off at night. The reward is the comfort she will feel once you remove the object causing her discomfort.

The important thing to remember in all of this is consistency. Consistent actions that let them know what is expected of them and what they can expect from you is the way to do it. If you make use of rewards and punishments correctly, they will obey your command immediately, even without explicit directions or reminders. You know you’ve trained your sub effectively when you don’t even have to say a single word out loud about it.

Kinds of Training

Play training is a fantasy roleplay exercise. The real goal is to have a hot fun time. You’re not expected to learn anything. This doesn’t mean it’s not important. Having fun is important in power exchange. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. For example, if you’re training your sub to be a maid, then make it clear that you want them to repeat the training every week or whatever you want them to do.

Preference Training

This one pertains to the training that the dom prefers, like the specific etiquette, protocol, or rituals that he likes. For example, a sub might have been trained to wait for permission before eating, but her new dom finds it annoying. So she must adapt to the preference of the new dom.

Furthermore, the truth is, as doms, we enjoy preference training, and we don’t like it if someone else has done the training for us. For example, it’s nice that the sub has already been trained to bring us coffee every morning. But it is better to have a sub that we ourselves have trained to bring coffee in bed every morning, and who does everything exactly according to our preferences. If the sub has already been trained to do what you like, it deprives us of the pleasure of conducting the training ourselves and making it more personalized to suit us.

Skill Training

Skill training is acquiring skills that are useful for the dom, like cooking or massage.

Insight Training

This is the kind of training that can help someone become fundamentally better at submission.

Subs are called upon to clearly communicate their boundaries and darkest desires. To remain respectful and obey even when the temptation to do otherwise is great. To be transparent about their most vulnerable feelings and reactions. These things are hard to do. These take self-awareness, discipline, sensitivity, and a strong grasp of intimate communication.

So, the core of submission isn’t about memorizing the rituals or positions. It’s about knowing yourself, managing your emotions, and communicating clearly and compassionately–and those skills can be trained. 

Don’t forget the aftercare

People who are new to BDSM or are just venturing to BDSM must remember this: domination is not about abuse. The goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. You might not believe this but the sub is the one really holding the power in the relationship. She’s the one who WILLINGLY gave you control over her because she trusts you. A good dom knows the sub holds the power because she controls the brakes.

When a session is over, regardless of how or why it ended, you must spend some time with your sub. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Your tasks can be tiring, both mentally and physically, so you should also set some bonding time to wind down and get some feedback on how to improve in the next round. Build upon every round to get a bit better each time. Because ultimately, it’s not just about how you train your sub but how you improve your relationship with her.