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How To Be A Dom

It’s possible to enjoy your kinks in a way that not only makes you a gentleman but makes you more desirable to women.

Everyone has their own kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and desires. The degree in which you push these is the main thing that separates the freaks from the vanilla. The first step in all of this is to accept the kinks you have and begin to be honest and mature about them. If you are unable to have an open discussion about your fetishes, it’s almost certain you are not capable of exploring them safely.

I use the terms kink and fetish often in this article, and figure I should take a second to explain the subtle difference in the terms. A fetish is an abnormal desire (and that doesn’t have to be sexual). Fetish is always specific, while kink in general. Your kink encompasses all of your fetishes, but not the other way around. At the same time, a single fetish can be referred to as a kink.

While kink can come in any form or function, the vast majority of all kinks will either be something you do to someone else or something someone else does to you. Almost all of these scenarios involve a form of power play: someone is in control of the scene, making choices, and ensuring results.

This article is about being a Dom. A Dominant, also known as a Top, is always in control. Make no mistake, being a Dom is a lot of work and responsibility.

Why would any woman want to submit?

When examined on their own, a lot of the specific elements of kink are wrong, offensive, degrading, and/or humiliating. It’s common for people to question the motives and reasons behind doing these things, and these challenges should be encouraged. If you can’t explain why what you are doing is right, and rooted in respect, then you have no business doing these things in the first place.

The concept behind a power-exchange relationship is based on respect and the earnest desire to be a positive, healthy, mate. Pain, degradation, and humiliation are all tools used for emotional manipulation. When and how you use these tools depends on the reaction and result you intend from your sub.

A true Dom will degrade a sub because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.

By taking control, you are taking responsibility for the quality of the sex you are having. It is entirely on you for her to have a good time. If you are good at what you do, taking on this burden frees her up to do nothing more than experience and enjoy. She can entirely shut off her brain, and submit.

The truth of submission is in her submitting to herself, letting her need for control go and becoming entirely free. This amount of trust is not something to take lightly, if it scares you you should consider doing kinky things with your partner, but not going as far as to think of yourself as a Dom.

The power paradox

The fundamental concept around a Dominant & submissive relationship (D/s) is that the dominant is in control. They make the choices, they give the orders, and they deliver the punishments when appropriate.

The paradox is that even in the most extreme D/s relationships, the sub has the ultimate power. It is always up to her what is unacceptable, she always has the final say as to what you can or cannot do with or to her. The only choice a sub has to make in a full power exchange relationship is continuing to choose to give away her control and power. Make no mistake, no matter what the dynamics of your relationship this ultimate control must always be willfully given.

Mistakes are unacceptable

As a Dom, it is your job to be confidently in control of the situation at all times. You need to adopt the ideology that mistakes are unacceptable. This seems a contradiction, as no one ever intends to make a mistake, but somethings should not be done in practice until you are confident you can accomplish them with skill and precision. For example, you do not learn how to land an airplane through trial and error.

The job of a good Dom is to be pushing the limits and boundaries of his sub, without ever going too far and breaking them. You want to push them as hard as you can, with them yearning to come back and see you again when you are finished. If they don’t want to come back, you did not do your job well.

Just about every aspect of D/s and kink is dangerous, either physically or mentally. Just because you see something hot in a video doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pull it out in the middle of a scene. The best way to ensure you don’t make any mistakes is to have an honest and open line of communication with your sub, long before playtime ever starts.

Honesty is not optional

When I say honestly, I don’t mean you don’t tell any big lies, I mean brutal, stark, brazen honesty.

You need to be honest with yourself: You need to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t.

You need to be honest with your sub: You need to accurately relay what you want and need from them, and what you are capable of giving to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear, you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult it may be.

You need to ensure your sub is honest with you: It’s not enough to hear your sub tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. Breaking a sub’s limits by doing only what they said they wanted will leave them as hurt and broken as if you did what they said they didn’t.

It’s up to you to ensure you are working with accurate information.
I am not trying to say that a sub will lie to you, sure some may, but more often than not the sub will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires. This isn’t an insult, it’s often impossible to know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. It’s not their fault, but it is always up to you to get it correct, regardless of what they might believe or have said.

When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a man. It’s your job to make sure they are calm, safe, and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide boundless support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer, depending on what she needs. This is your penance for the mistake, and you are never allowed to forget what is most important in all of this:

Everything is about her

Have no illusions: a Dom man should always be a gentleman first. While it is you making all choices and holding all control, you need to understand that everything you do is for and about her. Every choice you make needs to be the best choice for her, often this requires you to be selfless if you can’t handle that this dynamic is not for you.

For a sub to give away all control and power, they need to trust you and your choices implicitly. To gain this level of trust you need to prove, with every choice you make, that she will be rewarded for putting her trust in you. Everything you do should be done for a reason, and that reason should always be positive for your pet.

Have pride and show no regrets

At the onset of this article, I claimed that your kinks can make you more attractive to women. The key in this is you first have to be a good man, and good at what you do. If you are a Dom you need to be confident you are a good Dom, you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do.

If this is true, you are capable of showing pride and confidence in your ability as a Dom, and through that gain inherit respect as a man and a lover. You should never hide from your perversions, you should always be proud. This doesn’t mean you should advertise it, but when the topic comes up, or the moment is correct to bring it up, you have the ability to ooze confidence along with intrigue and appeal.

Most men are too afraid to talk about sex, at all. By you saying, earnestly, “I am sexually dominant” you have created a line of conversation too appealing to ignore. By having the ability to answer any of her questions (when in doubt, be honest) you will become irresistible to a woman who shares your kinks.

If a woman can describe you as intriguing, exciting, and confident, you are doing very well. Obviously your kink will deter some women, but this shouldn’t bother you. Any woman who is turned off by your honest self is clearly not a fit for you. Be polite, do not attack or offend, and move on.

Final Random Toy Tips

If you start to take your kink seriously, you are going to end up with an assortment of toys, tools, and props. Treat this with respect, and follow these tips:

Know how to use your toys properly, their limits, and all applicable safety measures.

Clean all toys before and after every use.

Keep toys organized and stored properly, like a mechanic’s tools. They are not all thrown into a pile somewhere.

Keep all locks locked (including handcuffs) at all times. This way you will always be sure you have the keys before using the item.

Don’t hide your toys away. If you are proud of what you do, you will have no reason to hide your tools. At the same time, you don’t see a mechanic storing his wrenches on the mantle. Have pride, but don’t flaunt.

A final note: if you are doing anything kinky or even remotely dangerous, be sure to have a safe word. The majority of the kink community uses Yellow (for slow down, ease off) and Red (for stop right now, this is bad).
1 week ago. Aug 2, 2020, 8:30 AM

24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL): Adult babies receive gratification from role-playing an infant (this is known as paraphilic infantilism, a form of ageplay). This can involve submission on the adult baby's part, often to a designated "caregiver", e.g. a daddy dom.

Diaper lovers receive gratification from the wearing and often using diapers. Whilst these two paraphilias are distinct, it is common that a person who enjoys one will also enjoy the other to some degree.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop (See Drop below) as these return to more everyday levels.

In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted, such as applying baby oil to areas that were struck during play.

Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not.

"Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of stubbing your toe. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.

Bastinado: The act of whipping the sub's feet, usually the sub would be tied up to restrict movement as the torture is being inflicted; part of impact play.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however, it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.

Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.

Breast torture: Torture of the female breasts.

Breath control play: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate. Sometimes used in Petplay, with a tail attached.

Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Cock and ball torture (CBT): Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.

Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant and submissive. It can be either formal or non and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules, and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

DDLG: Daddy Dom/Little Girl, a subset of Dominance and submission. The name of this lifestyle refers to the nurturing relationship between parent/child or teacher/student but does not imply that ageplay is involved.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).

Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.

Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.

Drop A feeling of deflation or slight depression that comes after a kinky scene, party, convention, or conference. Usually caused by the removal of positive stimuli and the endorphins they produce either from play or being surrounded by others within the kinky community. It can happen to kinksters of any role.

D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.

Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally.
Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay.

However, there are a few forms of play that almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.

Sometimes used in reference to erotic sexual denial. (see also chastity).
Electro-Play: The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub.

But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that sub drop does not occur afterward as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).

Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Figging: Insertion of a piece of peeled ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Financial Domination:(also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish, in a particular practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money mistress, findomme, money domme or cash master).

Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat.

Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it is closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which are considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color is worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to "soft limits").

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.

Hogtie: To tie up a submissive's wrists and ankles, fastening them together
behind their back using physical restraints such as rope or cuffs.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with the impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role-playing.

K-9 roleplay: Animal roleplay where the animal being roleplayed is a dog.

Kinbaku: Also known as Shibari which literally means "the beauty of tight binding".

Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits), or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit.

An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (a scene or perhaps a weekend.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.

MDLB: Mommy Domme/Little Boy, the female-led version of DDLG, a subset of Dominance and submission. While this lifestyle may or may not involve ageplay, the name refers to the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important.

Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Pegging: A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.

Pussy torture: Torture of the female genitals for sexual gratification.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape fantasy, ravishment: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Rhaphanidosis: Insertion of a piece a radish into the anus.

Rope-bondage: Way to tie someone with ropes. Comes from Japanese kinbaku-bi.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, sane, and consensual – (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink).

Safeword – A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes that may involve consensual force.

Scat play: Feces play.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flagellation, and edgeplay.

Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.

Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).

Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.

Sub drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

Submissive, or "sub" for short: Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave").

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate.

It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well being if they are in subspace. Long-term dominance and submission relationships without impact play may alternatively define subspace as 'a mental state where the submissive feels a deep emotional resonance or connection with the dom'.

Switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.

Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity.

Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM typically ages 18–35.

Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together".

A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total Power Exchange: A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.

Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behavior which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Warm-up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.

WIITWD: What It Is That We Do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.

Some people in the BDSM community begin dominant terms with an upper case, for example, Top, Master, Dom, Domme, etc., as well as to begin submissive terms with a lower case, even were normally incorrect, chiefly in acronyms and abbreviations, such as D/s for Dom/sub. Some extend this to honorifics and capitalization: for example, Master Rob's slave linda may refer to him as Sir and herself as i (or as "this slave", restricted from referring to themselves in the first person). Others are highly dismissive of this "slashy speak."

In addition, high protocol refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed. Old Guard now usually refers to high protocol groups, particularly gay leather BDSM groups; people who use this phrase may be romanticizing a perception of leather history.

 

From Wikipedia,

1 week ago. Aug 2, 2020, 1:14 AM

According to the mythological story, a slut is a downtrodden woman who by nature or by circumstances is propelled to debase her body in sexual desires. And so the story goes: these sexual desires control her and her behavior is based on sexual impulses with no thought to consequences or ethics. A slut cannot take her place in a rational society, relegated to a shadowy existence because no decent man, woman, or child would or could relate to a woman who cannot control her sexual desires.

 

A slut is always a rejected woman who no man would acknowledge as being in a relationship with her. A slut has given up on her own mortality and therefore has no right to insist on kindness, respect or love. She cannot be redeemed; her broken spirit must accept this invisible deformity that manifests itself by an insatiable desire for sexual activity. She is a glutton for sex.

 

The myth instructs our young women who blossom with joy and excitement as their first sexual feelings begin to surface….control your feelings or you could become a slut. Adolescent girls that become school sluts are reviled by their peers because they like sex. So the hidden slut emerges in adolescence. Girls and boys who suppress their powerful sexual desires and will eventually lose touch with that part of themselves.

 

The hidden slut becomes the unknown part of the self and yet remains to propel and motivate the slut as he or she matures and experiences life with all its joys, disappointments, and pain. The slut makes incorrect choices and learns to live without sexual passion and release. The slut is locked in the soul and may remain hidden throughout one’s life.

 

BDSM offers a key to unlock the slutty soul. Our sluts are people who mature to a level of sexual freedom with dignity and ethics. Sexual feelings find expression instead of suppression. The body, mind and soul find comfort in sexual intimacy that flows to and from their partners. The slut is not confined by gender, age, or experience. A slut is giving, using his or her sexual energy to satisfy their partners and bring pleasure to those who embrace sluttiness as a virtue. To be called a slut is a compliment in the BDSM world. A slut is a giver who enjoys releasing sexual passion for the fulfillment and pleasure of others who can reciprocate in the exchange of intimacy in either BDSM or vanilla play.

 

A slut is dominant or submissive with the overwhelming desire to experience oneness with another by joining bodies in sexual play. A slut can achieve self-actualization in the scene by embracing his or her true nature for the mutual benefit of partners. Play reaches a spiritual level as emotional doors are opened, seen, and embraced instead of feared as the myth would have us believe.

 

Joy, release, and contentment flow through other aspects of life among family, friends, and the work environment because the slut knows where he or she belongs. BDSM offers a profound acceptance of the self through the expression of sexual passion that in turn enriches ones entire life and future experiences and decisions.

 

Slut M is a submissive who entered the scene in July 2008 by receiving her first spanking from her Dominant. She and her Dominant have been pursuing an M/s relationship since then and expect to fully achieve this status in the future. Otherwise, she is single-parent raising 2 teens and working.

 

 

Written by Guest Author

1 week ago. Aug 1, 2020, 7:40 PM

 

I am SexyLuv1 a 60-year-old black man; have been in the lifestyle seems like forever. I started in my early twenties with my first wife as swingers. We both enjoyed all the sex and excitement and adventure. We would sometimes run into new couples where the wife was afraid so my wife Fran and I would start to have sex in front of the couple just to watch their reaction.

We would start to kiss and fondle one another’s hands roaming all over each other. I would open her blouse and start to play with her great tits. Fran was a beautiful black woman with great breasts and an ass to die for. She was about 5’8″ 130 lbs of solid fuck me, black woman.

By now the couple is squirming in their seats as I slowly take off Fran’s top and bra, and now sucking on her naked breasts every once in a while we would look at the couple delighting in their discomfort, knowing how hot we were making them as I licked and sucked down Fran’s body.

I put my hand under her skirt and start to play with her pussy as she is kissing down my chest. At twenty 24 I was in great shape, 6′ 180 lbs of male with an I will break my dick off in your type body so we knew we were a good looking couple and of course we love to fuck. As I turned Fran’s legs so the couple could watch me, as I started to finger fuck her slow and easy Fran opened her legs to give the couple a good view.

She unzipped my pants and pulled out my fat 8.5-inch dick and we watch as the couple squeezed each other. I then bunched Fran’s skirt around her waist and removed her panties. She in turn opened the button on my pants so she could have full access to my dick. I licked down her belly to the top of her hairy cunt. By now she was moaning in pleasure and her juices were covering my fingers the smell of pussy was in the air.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock.

I got down between her legs and started to eat that hot wet pussy knowing we were putting on a show that was driving the other couple crazy with lust as Fran squirmed and moaned. She grabbed my head and pushed her pussy hard against my face as she came one of many times that night. Fran pushed my pants to the floor and started to suck my dick like she couldn’t get enough. Every once in a while she would pull it out of her mouth and hold it in her hand on display for our audience to see as I became hard as a rock. Fran called him over, looking back at his wife he slowly came to her. 

Fran took his throbbing dick out and brought it to her lips. I thought I was going to peel him off the ceiling once she closed her lips around it. There we were me fucking her pussy him in her mouth and his wife sitting all alone with her pussy on fire. This was done on purpose. She needed to learn what a hot wife was really about. As her husband started to cum we all did, and as we came back to our senses, I asked the husband if he would like to fuck Fran. A big grin crossed his face until he looked at his wife who had a hell no look on her face. So we dressed and left knowing tonight she wants all that dick for her hot pussy.

Just so you know they called us a day later and asked if we would fuck them. Of course, we said yes and they became one of our best friends and I spent many hours fucking and sucking her hot wet pussy.

I enjoy watching my women being fucked by other men. Yes, it’s a turn on for me, it gives me the opportunity to study her body and expressions of passion. One mistake women make when they see men get hard when seeing other men fuck them is they think their men like it. Most of us do but some don’t. Men are visual, that is why we get so turned on watching two women fucking. We might hate it but if we watch it we will get a hard-on.

So that is how it began for me. But, Fran and I divorced after 14 years. I became a single black bull. This is where my dilemma begins.

With the couples I bull with, most want me to be dominant which is easy because I am. Others want a nice guy they can share the wife with. When I share I want a nice guy to fuck my woman. I am allowing you to fuck the pussy. I control the pussy, not you.

The difference is when I bull  I know it may sound ridiculous, but part of cuckolding is surrendering to a black bull – giving up control to a force of nature. When I fuck, I want to pound the pussy into complete submission, to fuck her like the married white slut she wants to be, to make her come rather than helping her come. I want her to know that when I am fucking her I just own her body and can use it any way I want.

I am not borrowing a white wife for a bit of fun, I am taking her, fucking the hell out of her, and converting her into a black cock slut wife.

Over the course of many years, I have had a few women who played with me as my woman and I shared every one of them but most of the time I was alone black bull. As a single bull, I have done many things: I have fucked wives, girlfriends, couples, and sissy cuckolds of course. Some of the men wanted to suck my dick which was OK by me. 

1 week ago. Aug 1, 2020, 11:09 AM

Until a few years ago, unless you were part of the BDSM community, submissive was just a word. 

You’d probably have thought that submissive meant meek, respectful, compliant, and passive. And then 50 Shades of Grey arrived and the word took on a whole new meaning.

These days, the sexual side of the word ‘submissive’ means something else. It’s a descriptive word for a role that some people like to take during sex, role play, or within their kinky relationship.

The submissive partner can be either the male or the female. It’s also possible for people to take it in turns to be the submissive one, which is known as ‘switching’. Being submissive can be limited to during sex when the submissive partner might be on the receiving end of masochism, bondage or other forms of domination.

However, some submissive don’t limit their submission to within the bedroom and will be a ‘lifestyle’ submissive. A lifestyle submissive has sets of rules between themselves and their partners which govern their relationship.

It might be small things such as calling your partner a term like ‘sir’ or ‘master’, it could be doing domestic labor, or it could involve spending large amounts of time naked in a cage.

Every submissive and dominant relationship is different and has different levels of intensity and different rules. It is more common to keep the dominant and submissive roles to the bedroom (or to specific periods of time) rather than living the lifestyle 24/7, as it can be difficult to sustain a relationship with an inherent imbalance, especially if you have a family.

It can be hard to understand why another person wants to be submissive if that’s not something you’re personally interested in. It’s important to try to understand and not to judge. As we have written before, there is a real difference between kinky and abusive. That difference is active consent. Submissive relationships only work when they are based around consent. If you’re worried that a relationship has become toxic or dangerous, you should contact Relate or the National Domestic Violence hotline.

 

 

Rebecca Reid

 

1 week ago. Jul 31, 2020, 3:12 PM

Many years ago, I met a girl online who lived in Southern California. After some days of chatting online, she lobbied me for a phone call. We spoke for five hours. That began what you might call on phone dating, a daily mix of friendly and sexy IM exchanges, and phone conversations. This gal was unusually smart, charming, talented, and apparently really kinky. And she had some challenging, though not uncommon, emotional issues, which I didn't recognize right away. Or perhaps I was willfully blind to them. At that time, both my social and professional lives were, well, a bit comatose. I saw her as a lifeline.

A pattern developed between us. I felt that we belonged together, so I would try to pull her in closer. She had her doubts and would become grumpy or withdrawn. I would feel rejected and protest her resistance. She would dig in further. We liked each other, and we had lovely moments on occasion, so somehow we kept recovering enough from these spirals that we continued to perform them for a year and a half. I could see our dysfunctional dance, but I couldn't find a pathway out of it. That was maddening, as I like to imagine that if you can see it, you can solve it.

Over time, as my professional prospects revived, I regained some faith in myself. I began to see our inevitable entanglements as absurd. Her grumpy refusals at my offerings of intimacy were comical. I started laughing at them, out loud, sincerely. And voilà, that broke the spell; once I was laughing, she couldn't help but laugh too. I also stopped insisting that she was the perfect girl for me. I'm happy to say that we remain good friends.

Everyone has emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses. Almost any time an event provokes a sudden, strong emotional response in you — anger, sadness, withdrawal, self-loathing, confusion, helplessness — the most likely culprit is one of these cracks in your psyche. The present situation or conversation has simply driven you into that fissure, triggering a response that's disproportionate to the moment.

But suppose an acquaintance insults you? Wouldn't anger or withdrawal be an appropriate response? No, a non-triggered response to that kind of random offense is bemusement or skepticism. He's probably having a hard day; it's him that's off, not you.

Emotional weaknesses and the responses that accompany them are typically formed in childhood when we're all naturally vulnerable because our boundaries and understanding of people are still forming. But they can develop later in life, given repeated hard experiences. Digging into the past to discover the roots of your emotional issues may be helpful, or it may not. The key to managing them is gaining self-awareness and learning good coping behaviors. Once you stop rehearsing them, they will naturally become less poignant with time.

Emotional issues can do serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. When triggered, you stop thinking clearly, and may assign the current situation or loved one full blame for the strength of your hard feelings. Most lovers don't take this too well; disproportionate reactions are rattling, and being blamed for them is frustrating. The damage is even worse when one partner's reaction triggers an issue within the other, whose subsequent emotional response then re-triggers the first one. Such interlocking issues cause a kind of death spiral that's difficult to escape. Issue interlock is, in my view, the single most common killer of good relationships.

As I recounted above, it is possible to break through issue interlock. The key skill, which anyone can learn, but is surprisingly rare, is strong emotional boundaries — knowing where your own psyche stops and another's begins. You should assume that anyone's reactions, especially strong reactions, are about what's going on in their own head, not between the two of you. If you can remember that when your partner falls down, they're less likely to pull you over as well.

D/s relationships thrive on the exceptional, magical connection that forms between dom and sub, and the altered states that this bond allows them to venture into. When emotional issues are triggered for one or both of them, it can impinge on their D/s dynamic. If their leader and follower roles desert them, suddenly they're facing each other like egalitarian acquaintances, just when one most needs the other's support. The simplest means to stop a damaging interaction is for either partner to speak their safeword (or simply say "safeword"). Then stop talking; focus on your breathing. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to contribute to the discord. Then admit that to your partner, and ask their forgiveness. It's wise to wait a while before attempting to discuss that particular emotional vulnerability with them.

It is essential that you develop self-awareness of your issues—what triggers them and how you react. Know that it will take time and determination to do so. It's also important that as you gain awareness, you brief your partner on your vulnerabilities. An observant partner will tend to figure them out ahead of you and can try to steer you around or out of them, which helps in developing your own awareness. And it's crucial to learn to notice when you've fallen into one of your emotional fissures and to remind yourself that you're not thinking clearly and that whoever is in front of you at that moment is not the cause of your pain.

 

by Will

1 week ago. Jul 31, 2020, 4:25 AM

It is easy to get wrapped up in the ups and downs of emotionally abusive relationships. Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there. 


 How to Stop Being Victimized


Most abusers have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance; undermining and lowering their self-esteem

Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.

They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations that cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.

For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received seldom has anything to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault. One of the hardest things to realize is one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser.

Even if the abusers want to change, they seldom want to put any real effort towards changing. Victims of emotional abuse often think otherwise. They stick around hoping they can fix things and often end up blaming themselves for the state of the relationship.

 


Signs of Emotional Abuse


Abusers will tend to:


Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions.


Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves.


Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions.


Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing – it gives them the control to manipulate future events.

 
Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, while at the same time bringing up how their emotions are being affected.


Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.


Change the subject to divert attention from themselves.


Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.


Threaten or hint of physical, mental, or sexual abuse.


Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self).


Show inappropriate emotional outbursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame).


Use controlling and domineering tactics to limit freedom of expression.


Forget commitments and promises.


Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out, or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.


Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt, or fear.


Have actions and promises which are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another.


Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped or cornered.


Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.


Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves.


Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses.


Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority.


Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity.

 

Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them.


Slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of those they can’t control.


The Long Term Effects of Abuse and Stress Ruin Lives

 

The long term cumulative effects of abuse are often difficult to quantify. Many victims successfully suppress or try and forget unwanted and painful memories. For them, the past becomes difficult to access or memory gaps exist. Others have feelings of detachment or isolation; their self-worth and self-esteem are lowered.

Unresolved feelings from past abuse can eventually contribute to emotional problems and disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression, and OCD.

Stress has been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Studies have shown those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse suffered in childhood, have a harder time dealing with stressful situations later in life. As life progresses, situations associated with past abuse become more difficult to handle.

Understanding emotional and mental abuse is one thing. Effectively releasing the pain and emotions.attached to abuse is something completely different.

 

Suffering is Not Mandatory


Many don’t know the signs of emotional abuse, so they blame themselves for the failed relationship. Others don’t know how to let go of painful memories and some don’t want to forget.

Replaying scenarios over and over will only have the mind reliving negative experiences again and again, only prolonging the suffering. Some carry these events for years, even their entire lives because they didn’t know how to release these events.

Abusive actions never support the well being of anyone. They breed negative emotions, depleting the body’s energy, clouding the clarity of thought, and hurt future relationships.

If you are in an abusive environment, the first step is to get out. That may be a scary thought and the options may seem limited. It is what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first steps. Having a social worker or legal counsel to assist you, in the beginning, is usually a good idea.


Healing From Abusive Relationships and Experiences


Work with a professional who can help you sort things out, raise your self-esteem, and assist you to release old negative emotions. To let go you must take action and make the needed changes necessary to move on with your life. Abuse tends to impede how we process thoughts and emotions. It very often contributes to PTSD, anxiety, and OCD.

Since abuse can touch a person at the core of their mental and emotional abilities, it can be a sensitive subject to approach. 

If past events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions;  they have a hold on you. If you are constantly feeling these emotions, they have a hold on you. You can’t begin living life in a new way if any part of you holds on to the old ways. Everyone deserves the opportunity to allow themselves to change.

 

Before You Begin Recovery


First, recognize the signs of emotional abuse. The next step is to get out of the abusive relationship. This is common sense. It’s hard to let go of traumatic memories, raise self-confidence and self-esteem, and move forward with life again if someone is still holding you down. While it is not always easy to do, you have to decide it’s time to move on, to put your needs front and center.

Next, identify the emotions you experience from the abuse. Is it guilt, shame, hurt, rejection, sadness, or anger. Take inventory and get in touch with the emotions your nervous system has been signaling you with.

Then get some help. It can be difficult to sort these things out on your own. Find someone who can help you process and work though the discomforts of your situation. Someone who will also help you obtain skills, so in the future you will not find yourself in the same situation again.

Nothing changes unless you give yourself a chance to change. Raise your awareness by recognizing the signs of emotional abuse. Decide it’s time to be different and support yourself, your mental and emotional needs in a meaningful and willful manner.

Remember, long term emotional abuse can create all sorts of uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-esteem issues, so give yourself some time to heal. 

Grief and Sadness

Guilt and Shame

Hurt and Rejection

Anger and Frustration
 

1 week ago. Jul 30, 2020, 6:05 PM

 

Ageplaying involves treating the sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  As a result, the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver and administers discipline and training when needed. 

The sub becomes his “little” and relies on him emotionally, physically, and even sexually and sometimes financially.

Ageplayers are NOT pedophiles.  The definition of pedophilia is having sexual feelings towards children.  A sub is not a child but is a consenting adult.  A Daddy Dom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DDlg Relationship so Fulfilling for Ageplayers? It can be hard to explain this lifestyle or know what things to say to someone who doesn’t understand this kink. Basically, age playing and DDlg satisfy both individuals involved on many levels:

The Daddy DomUsually men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence, and having a little meets that need continuously. They will also have the satisfaction of having someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard. 

Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  When his baby girl disobeys rules, a Daddy Dom also gets the fulfillment of disciplining her in any way he desires, (and she has consented to).  She will also come to him with her sexual needs, as he knows how best to please her.

The little girl in a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fulfills the little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually emotionally fragile at times, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Likewise, being told they’re a “good girl” makes sub ageplayers feel extremely content.  And obeying rules and knowing they’re making their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

How to Incorporate AgeplayingNow that you know the real definition for ageplay and what both the Daddy Dom and little girl get out of it, here are some ideas for making it work:

Outfits, Clothing, and Other Ways to Look the PartThe Daddy Dom ultimately chooses the clothing his little girl wears, but short skirts, dresses, and having their hair in braids or pigtails is the usual protocol.  Schoolgirl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes are a great way to get that look and feel for ageplaying.

Daddy Dominant Traits and Things to SayLittles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  Daddy's need to call their littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.  Littles also usually require a softer approach when being dominated. 

Good Daddy Dominant traits are being nurtured, caring but strict, being a good listener, and supportive. 

 Here are some ideas for things to say:

“Be a good girl.”
“Behave.”
“Do you need a spanking?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re too little to do that, let me help you.”
“Be careful.”
“Let me touch/see your princess parts.”
“Use your words.”
“Let’s have a cuddle time.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it all better.”

DDlg Rules, Little Space, and Other Ideas DDlg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval, so rewards and punishments are vital.  Pats on the head and forehead kisses mean a lot, and spankings are usually a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will also deepen intimacy.  

Good rules for littles include a set bedtime, no swearing, and keeping their room clean. The definition of “Little Space” is a state of mind submissive ageplayers enter when they’re deeply feeling little.  Here are some ideas for age-appropriate activities to help a sub enter little space more easily:

Coloring
Reading stories together
Having a stuffie
Keeping a journal
Cuddling
Watching cartoons
Going on outings together
Using stickers

Ageplaying is a great way to mix childlike innocence with naughty sexual curiosity. Don’t listen to people who try to say that ageplay is wrong.  The DDlg lifestyle can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub. 

1 week ago. Jul 29, 2020, 8:30 PM

 

As a Dom who had one sub for 17 years and now she has gone. It leaves a big hole in my heart we didn't scene or go to events but we played she was my slut, my whore the love of my life.


As I try to get back out in the community I find things have changed it seems there are so many false Doms and subs that want to top from the bottom.


I feel that fifty shade of gray was such a false portrayal of this beautiful lifestyle it seems like all the fake Doms are in it for the sex and leave many of their subs broken and untrusting. 


As for the subs they jump in without knowing the Dom they picked and end up hurt and confused.


I am an ole school Dom I don't want to be called Sir until I have earned it. I don't want to have sex with you until I have feelings for you. 

What I want is a friend I want to date you and get to know you as a person what are your hopes and dreams are, I want a long term relationship what do you want?


Tell me why are you interested in the lifestyle what dynamic interest you what do you want to learn?

Do you understand the power you give me and my responsibility to care for and to protect you?  


Yes, I know what I seek and so far have not been able to find a sub, a slut, a whore, and the love of my life there is more much more but we will walk that road together. Oh by the way I love to spank that ass.


My feeling of dominance is not about forcing people to do things. There is no joy in exerting power over people per se. The joy is what they do for you because they do obey. I do not purposely humiliate or intimidate people to do what I say, but rather expect them to obey me of their own free will. It's about them respecting my position of power and willingly giving themselves to me for my pleasure. I know they are also coming to me to fulfill their fantasies and to have their pleasures, but everything in our meeting is center on them serving and pleasing me.


When I speak with a new sub for the first time I ask her if they are willing to do as I say, and if she agrees to serve me as I wish, then I continue the discussion. I have never had to reprimand or remind a sub that they said they would obey me. They just willingly submit to me, and all of us enjoy a great amount of pleasure.

1) She Must Be Pretty
2) She Must Be Sweet
3) Sluts willing to be my personal slut and fuck men or woman for my pleasure, she will be my slut I will share with others
4) She Must Be Young 25-60 and look good have a tight body
5) She Must Be Honest
6) She Must Be Ready to Assume My Leadership
7) She Must Be Willing To Cook And Clean if asked  

3 weeks ago. Jul 20, 2020, 10:40 AM

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

 

 

3 weeks ago. Jul 20, 2020, 8:56 AM

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.