How To Be A Dom

Bondage represents the B in BDSM, which comprises three separate but combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Some may also refer to it as a kink — an umbrella term to commonly describe sexual practices that may fall outside normative societal standards.

Bondage sex is a consensual activity that involves using physical restraints to restrict a partner’s freedom of movement. It is a perfectly healthy and respectful form of sexual activity, which separates it from sexual and domestic abuse.

It falls under the umbrella of power play, where one partner takes on a more dominant role during sex while the other assumes a submissive role. Although this assumes a hierarchy of power, it is better to characterize bondage sex as an open dialogue to negotiate behaviors and achieve mutual enjoyment from physical and psychological stimulation.

This article defines bondage sex, why people enjoy it, potential benefits and risks, and how to perform it safely.

What is bondage sex?

Bondage sex is a form of consensual and recreational sex play that involves tying, restraining, or binding a person with rope, handcuffs, or other items that can restrict movement. Beyond the restraint, bondage sex also involves a consensual power dynamic between a dominant and submissive partner. However, it is also possible for a person to practice self-bondage during masturbation.

A 2017 study notes that roughly 1 in 5 Americans has engaged in bondage play, and another 2017 studyTrusted Source adds that interest in BDSM is present in most of the general population. Despite its prevalence, bondage remains a stigmatizing topic — historically, people have viewed this practice as subversive, taboo, and an indication of being psychologically unwell.

However, there has been a shift in the narrative in recent years, and many experts now view consensual BDSM activities as a relatively common and healthy form of intimacy.

Why do people enjoy bondage sex?

People may find bondage sex erotic and arousing, both physically and psychologically.

A 2021 systematic reviewTrusted Source notes that BDSM interactions are complex, and several psychological, social, and biological processes can influence this sexual behavior.

A 2019 systematic scoping review suggests that it allows people to assert dominance by giving them total control and power over the situation. Similarly, a 2020 study notes that many practitioners find the giving, taking, and exchanging of power to be sexually arousing.

Additionally, the study adds that playing with the exchange of power via physical restraint is one of the most common reasons people engage in bondage practices. Others note that they may compare bondage to an eroticized way of practicing mindfulness, similar to meditation or other general leisure activities, as it allows them to relax and practice a form of focused attention.

A 2019 study also adds that the brain’s pain and reward systems can influence why people enjoy BDSM. As pleasure and pain may activate the same part of the brain, engaging in these practices may help to enhance pleasure.

Potential benefits of bondage sex

The benefits of bondage sex vary for different people. Some people feel it:

Enhances pleasure

Evidence suggests that participating in BDSM leads to an altered state of consciousness called subspace. People describe it as a floaty, high state that submissives and receivers experience during and after the play.

Additionally, using restraints may produce a feeling of sensory deprivation. This may help increase a person’s excitement and enhance the sensations of the remaining senses, heightening pleasure.

Builds a deeper connection

Bondage sex can encourage couples to explore their desires and fantasies. Bondage sex hinges on trust and security. This sense of vulnerability that comes with giving up control may help develop trust and closeness among partners. Practicing bondage may also improve communication skills, including negotiation and assertiveness.

Heals relationships

BDSM may offer a safe space for people healing from trauma, PTSD, and abuse. Moreover, therapists may use practices such as bondage as a tool to help couples work on power dynamics. This may help couples experience relinquishing and assuming control in the bedroom before they do in other parts of their relationship.

Improves sexual and mental health

A 2016 preliminary study notes that engaging in consensual BDSM can reduce psychological stress. Another study suggests that subspace may reduce physical and emotional stress among the receiving partners.

Possible risks of bondage sex

People practicing bondage sex may be at risk of physical injuries. In a 2016 study, more than 70% of participants reported at least one accident from performing a BDSM practice, with hematoma being the most common injury. The study adds that injuries are more common in those who use drugs while performing BDSM sex.

Fatal outcomes can also occur while practicing BDSM. A 2021 literature review notes that strangulation is the most common cause of death, and drugs or alcohol were involved in 64% of fatal BDSM cases.

Consent is critical, a Trusted Source within the BDSM community, to ensure physical and emotional safety among practitioners. This is known as Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) in BDSM communities.

Sexual partners need to explicitly give their consent, clearly define their boundaries, and negotiate and discuss what they are willing to do and what is out of bounds. All parties must also agree on a safeword, which refers to a word or signal that can instantly stop the sex act. People should also consider staying sober while performing bondage sex to ensure the safety of those involved.

How to perform bondage sex

Below are tips and techniques that may be helpful for people considering bondage sex.

Have enough preparation

The portrayal of BDSM in the media is often inaccurate and sometimes too extreme. A person planning to engage in bondage sex at home should consider attending a class, reading books, or checking out informational videos online beforehand.

Always ensure safety

Beginners should try bondage with a person they trust and never perform it with a stranger. A person must check in on their partner’s physical and emotional safety. This may include asking if they are comfortable or developing a non-verbal cue, such as a light tap, to communicate pleasure.

A person must never be left alone while tied up.

Set ground rules and boundaries
To engage in safe and healthy bondage sex, all parties should discuss and negotiate each other’s boundaries and roles and note any off-limits activities. All participants should give mutual consent on what each finds comfortable and confident experimenting during the session.

Agree on a safeword

Trust, security, and mutual consent are the pillars of bondage play. However, things can quickly escalate, and it may be difficult to recognize if the other person is teasing or honestly requesting to stop the play. A safeword is any phrase or action that immediately signals that sex play needs to stop. It can help ensure that the sexual activity remains safe, pleasurable, and consensual.

Be familiar with restraints

A person must know how to get their partner out of restraints before using them. Individuals can keep a pair of safety shears or handcuff keys within their reach, especially when trying more difficult bondage positions.

People should take appropriate precautions when tying restraints. Ensure they are not too tight to allow for proper circulation and never use restraints near the neck, as this may cause asphyxiation.

Take it easy

The sensory deprivation that comes with using bondage can be unsettling for beginners. Couples can begin by restraining one area, such as the wrists, then slowly easing into more advanced restraints based on their confidence and comfort.

Add toys, props, and costumes

People may wish to enhance the experience with the help of costumes, toys, and props. Allowing the imagination to run wild can also add excitement and pleasure.

Have an aftercare

Aftercare refers to the time that people take after engaging in bondage sex to check on a person’s emotional and physical needs. Certain sex acts can be physically and psychologically taxing, so it can be beneficial to take time to discuss the sex acts and provide reassurance.

Most Dominant/submissive relationships in BDSM usually have varying types of submissive punishments. And if rules are broken, the next steps are more than clear. Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when a sub breaks the rules.

However, many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish a sub. This is a cornerstone stumble in the power exchange dynamics for kinksters new to BDSM. But really, punishments for BDSM can be relatively simple and even exciting. The key is to nestle into your roles, to set expectations, and to stick to them.

Here are some tips to keep in mind for a BDSM submissive punishment, and we even have a free punishment master list.

Long distance:

Having to wear Ben Wa balls*

Writing 50-100 lines (“I will not…”)

Cold showers

Having to wear a butt plug

Write a letter to their Dom apologizing and explaining how they’re going to make sure they never do it again

Made to get a Brazilian wax

Having to post about their transgression online.

Pain-free:

Not allowed to wear clothes

Not allowed to wear underwear outside the house*

Not allowed to wear makeup

Body writing with a permanent marker (“Whore, slut, Property of …”)

Having to do chores/clean something that they don’t like doing

Not allowed to speak

Be given a harsh lecture

Made to eat from a pet bowl on the floor+

Denied from sitting on furniture or sleeping in their bed

DD/lg:

Standing in the corner

No screen time (Phone/computer/TV)*

Early bedtime

No treats+

Giving the sub no attention at all for a set time

Taking away a favorite stuffie

Wash their mouth out with soap

Painful/sexual:

Spanking or using different

implements: belt, ruler, riding crop, flogger, etc.*

Wearing a chastity device

 Having to perform a sex act, they particularly don’t enjoy, like oral or anal

Nipple clamps

Clothespins attached to the body or genitals

Orgasm denial

 Ice cubes rubbed against their body

Made to eat hot peppers+

Wearing a restrictive collar

The Definition & Meaning of Switch BDSM

The definition of a BDSM switch is someone who enjoys engaging in both Dominant and submissive roles, or both topping and bottoming. But what does that mean exactly? Well, the answer is: it depends on each dynamic.

Here are some aspects of a dom sub switch.

Switching doesn’t always involve a sexual relationship

You may be a Dom with one partner, but a sub with another

You may enjoy switching, but prefer a specific role.

Some couples switch as a way of taking turns

As your life changes, you may switch to fulfill an emotional need

Some or all of these points may apply to you.

That doesn’t mean you have to label yourself a switch (unless you want to).

Choose the BDSM identity that makes you feel the most comfortable.

However, gender doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning or play a factor at all, whether someone participates in switching or vanilla dynamics. It simply involves domination and submission, and both can be enjoyed whether you’re a girl or a guy.

Switch BDSM Works in a Vanilla Relationship

Switch BDSM isn’t just for those in the kink community – a lot of vanilla couples switch roles in the bedroom, either part-time or full-time. It’s a great way to keep the relationship new and exciting. Letting your vanilla partner be the dominant one can help you see what they like and are into.

Taking turns in a vanilla relationship also lets both of you have all your needs fulfilled. If you’re nervous about bringing up the idea of a BDSM switch with your partner, you can say, “I think it’d be really hot if you took control tonight (or, if I took control tonight).” Just be sure to start slow and have fun with it!

Love is one of the most profound emotions known to human beings. There are many kinds of love, but many people seek its expression in a romantic relationship with a compatible partner (or partners). For these individuals, romantic relationships comprise one of the most meaningful aspects of life and are a source of deep fulfillment.

While the need for human connection appears to be innate, the ability to form healthy, loving relationships is learned. Some evidence suggests that the ability to form a stable relationship starts to form in infancy, in a child's earliest experiences with a caregiver who reliably meets the infant's needs for food, care, warmth, protection, stimulation, and social contact. Such relationships are not destiny, but they are theorized to establish deeply ingrained patterns of relating to others. The end of a relationship, however, is often a source of great psychological anguish.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship

Maintaining a strong relationship requires constant care and communication, and certain traits are especially important for fostering healthy relationships. Each individual should, for starters, feel confident that their partner is willing to devote time and attention to the other. They must both also be committed to accommodating their differences, even as those change over time.

In the 21st century, good relationships are generally marked by emotional and physical fairness, particularly in the distribution of chores necessary to maintain a household. Partners in strong relationships also feel grateful for one another, openly provide and receive affection, and engage in honest discussions about sex.

In good relationships, partners try to afford their partner the benefit of the doubt, which creates a sense of being on the same team. This feeling, maintained over the long term, can help couples overcome the challenges they will inevitably face together.

How to Find Love

Finding a partner with whom to share a life is a wonderful but frequently difficult process. Whether it's conducted online or in person, the search will likely push an individual into unfamiliar settings to encounter potential partners. To be successful, it is often necessary to go outside of one's comfort zone.

Determining whether a particular person is suitable as a potential mate, and whether a connection reflects temporary infatuation or true love, can be challenging, but research suggests that there are revealing clues in behavior.

One possibly counterintuitive indicator of a potential match is one's sense of self. Someone who would make a good partner may push an individual to discover new activities or beliefs that expand their own self-concept. Another early signifier may be stress: Repeatedly interacting with someone whose impression matters deeply to us can fuel anxiety. Other positive indicators include being highly motivated to see the person and investing a significant amount of time, emotion, and energy into the budding relationship.

How Relationships Fail

Every relationship represents a leap of faith for at least one partner, and even in the happiest couples, the very traits that once attracted them to each other can eventually become annoyances that drive them apart. Acquiring the skills to make a connection last is hard work, and threats may spring up without notice. In short-term, casual relationships, neither partner may see a truly viable long-term future together, but often only one takes action, in some cases, ghosting the other, walking out of their lives with no communication, not even a text.

For some couples, infidelity is both the first and last straw, but a surprising number of relationships survive betrayal, some only to have their connection upended by everyday threats such as a loss of interest in physical intimacy, or a waning of positive feeling in the wake of constant criticism, contempt, or defensiveness. Even staying together for decades is no guarantee that a couple will remain connected: The divorce rate for couples over 50 has doubled since 1990.

Some people can walk away from years of marriage and instantly feel unburdened. For others, the end of a relationship that lasted just a few dates can trigger emotional trauma that lingers for years. However, a breakup plays out, it can be a major stressor with an effect on ego and self-esteem that cannot be ignored.

How People Find Love

Finding a partner with whom to share your life can be a hopeful, difficult, invigorating, and challenging process. Seeking an appropriate mate is considered one of the primary responsibilities of adulthood, and whether their approach is to flirt in line at a coffee shop, peruse hundreds of online profiles, or ask friends or family to arrange dates, people devote enormous amounts of thought and energy to the task. To find someone you’ll be comfortable with for the rest of your life, though, it may be necessary to go far outside your comfort zone.

What attracts people to each other?

Evolutionary psychology posits that there are some universal human attractors: Heterosexual men, for example, tend to be attracted to women with physical markers of youth and health, presumably because they seem the most fertile. But in reality, you need not be exceptionally attractive to find a mate—only attractive enough to entice your mate. The theory of assortative mating holds that people who couple up tend to have similar levels of attractiveness: We seek, with some exceptions, people like ourselves.

How quickly do we decide that we’re attracted to someone?

Research finds that people make a snap judgment about whether a potential partner is attractive in a fraction of a second. In studies in which people meet each other in a speed-dating scenario (which historically have focused primarily on heterosexual relationships), men were more likely than women to find their potential partners attractive and were more likely to base their verdict on looks.

Finding the Right Partner

Even people who date often and remain open to new people may not have an easy time finding long-term love. Research finds that the most successful couples meet through shared social networks or while pursuing a common interest, and couples with weaker social ties outside of each other may take longer to commit to marriage. Novelty can also be an important factor in relationship success: Someone who pushes you to consider new activities or beliefs that expand your self-concept may be a partner with whom you can have a relationship that stays fresh for decades.

Finding the right partner may begin with physical attraction, but it's personality that tends to keep couples together. People who reveal themselves to be emotionally stable and agreeable tend to be more likely to have satisfying long-term relationships. In the thrilling early days of a relationship, we tend to ignore less-favorable traits, which is why experts suggest that we not rush into long-term commitment and not delay discussing potential conflicts.

Don't wonder if something is "too kinky." The only question is, do you like it?

Common myths misunderstand and even demonize kinky sex and BDSM in particular.

People who like kinky sex are just as mentally healthy as their non-kinky peers.
BDSM should always be practiced safely and consensually.

What is kinky sex? There’s actually no exact definition of kink, so anyone can say that what they do is or isn’t kinky.

Does it even matter? On the one hand, it doesn’t; your sexuality is an experience, not a category. Shakespeare had it right—a rose smells the same no matter what you call it.

On the other hand, you might be more willing to smell something if I told you it was a flower rather than a skunk. And so some people stay away from exploring sexual behaviors they might enjoy just because they think the activities are “kinky”—and,” they emphasize, “I’m not a kinky person.”

It’s like going shopping, seeing a pretty red dress, and saying, “I like it, but I won’t buy it because I’m not the kind of person who wears red dresses.” That’s a shame. Because no one is a “kind of a person”—we’re each an actual person who creates meaning out of the world around us every single day. If you like how you look in that red dress, it shouldn’t matter what kind of person you are.

Of course, no one should be doing sexual things they don’t want to do. But why would someone be attached to their self-image as not a kinky person? After all, almost everyone is kinky to someone else. Sex with the lights on? Sex completely undressed? Talking during sex about what you like? Making noise when you climax? Depending on whom you ask, these could be considered kinky. Yes, every one of those is unfamiliar and rather odd to someone.

So what’s meant by kink, anyway? Often, kinky sex is defined as:

Sex that people think is unusual (and often isn’t)

Sex that involves imagination (“Imagine we’re being watched while making love tonight…”)

Sex that involves equipment (like blindfolds)

Sex in which people deliberately increase the intensity, often via pain (like hair-pulling)

Sex that involves role-playing (“What if I just met you at the supermarket today, and now we…?”)

Sex that involves teasing (“You better not plan on kissing me tonight…”)

Sex that doesn’t make traditional or common assumptions about arousal, genital focus, orgasm, or maybe even monogamy.

If you’re thinking "Wait a minute, I’m involved with some of that stuff!" you can decide you’re kinky, or that your sex is kinky, or that kink isn’t what you imagined it is. None of those ideas has to change what you do.

Indeed, a large number of couples enjoy bedroom games that could be considered kinky, but they just don’t think of it that way. They may hold down their partner, physically tease their partner, or deliberately do something that’s slightly physically uncomfortable. If more people talked about this, maybe “kink” wouldn’t seem like something that only others (or crazy others) do.

Unfortunately, Many Psychologists Lack Training

In a perfect world, psychologists would know all about this, and they’d be educating patients, TV producers, and policymakers about kink. However, unfortunately, most therapists receive no training on this subject at all. In fact, you can become a licensed marriage counselor without ever hearing the word "vibrator" in your training. Handcuffs or dildoes? Many therapists-in-training would rather be ignorant about such things.

So let’s list some myths about kinky sex that many people (including therapists) believe, which undermine both sexual enjoyment and effective therapy.

Myths About Kinky Sex

Wanting to submit during sex shows childhood trauma.

Wanting nonmonogamy shows a fear of intimacy.

A desire for things like spanking and hair-pulling shows low self-esteem.

In BDSM, one person objectifies another, so it can’t be healthy.

“Non-kinky” sex is the most mature sex.

BDSM is all about inflicting or enduring pain.

No healthy person would want to experience pain or domination during sex.

No healthy person would enjoy exhibitionism (that is, safely being seen or watched during sex).

People who like kinky sex have no boundaries, can’t enjoy non-kinky sex, and their preferences intensify over time until they only want extreme experiences.

None of these is true. No data shows that people who enjoy kinky sex come from more troubled backgrounds, are less emotionally healthy, or are less self-regulated than everyone else. Of course, some kinky people are wounded personalities, but that’s true in every group of people, regardless of how they like sex (or whether they like sex at all).

When anyone—therapist or civilian—says that people who like kinky sex are unhealthy or are overcompensating for childhood abuse, what they’re really saying is “I disapprove of people having sex like that.” This is fine, of course, but people—especially psychologists with large followings—should be honest about their disapproval, rather than claiming they know something about the mental health of a large and heterogeneous group like people who enjoy kinky sex.

Sexual gratification is not always an essential element of BDSM.

Sex is a common motivator for engaging in BDSM.

However, BDSM can also provide non-sexual fulfillment, serving as a form of play or leisure.

The more heavily involved one is in the BDSM scene, the more likely one is to say that BDSM is non-sexual.

When we see BDSM discussed or mentioned in the popular media, it is often referenced as a sexual activity. In other words, it’s largely seen as something that people only do for sexual arousal or pleasure, a la Fifty Shades of Grey.

But is BDSM always sexual? Not necessarily.

BDSM Can Be Fulfilling in Non-Sexual Ways

People sometimes engage in BDSM activities for non-sexual fulfillment. One example of this is ‘pup play,’ a form of role-playing in which an adult human adopts the appearance and characteristics of a dog. This often involves a dominant-submissive dynamic where the ‘pup’ plays a submissive role to a dominant ‘owner’ or ‘master.’ Research on people who engage in this activity finds that, while it often leads to sexual gratification, it can also be a form of play, leisure, and relaxation in and of itself.

But what proportion of the time is BDSM in general sexual versus non-sexual? That question was the subject of a recent paper published in the journal Sexualities. This study involved a survey of 1,642 pansexual BDSM practitioners (a group that often refers to themselves as kinksters) who were asked about the relationship they see between BDSM and sex in their own lives.

Participants were asked about their reasons for engaging in BDSM, including whether they do it for purposes of sexual arousal and pleasure. Overall, 92 percent reported sex as one of their motivations for engaging in this activity; however, those who were the least involved in the BDSM scene were more likely to report this motive than those who were the most involved (94 percent vs. 88 percent, respectively).

How Much of the Time Is BDSM Sexual Vs. Non-Sexual?

Participants were also asked about the amount of time that BDSM activities are sexual vs. non-sexual for them. Again, the answer depended on how involved they were in the BDSM scene:

For those with low involvement, 83 percent said that BDSM is mostly sexual, 15 percent said it was mostly non-sexual, and 2 percent said it’s equally sexual and non-sexual.

For those with moderate involvement, 73 percent said that BDSM is mostly sexual, 24 percent said it was mostly non-sexual, and 3 percent said it’s equally sexual and non-sexual.'

For those with high involvement, 61 percent said that BDSM is mostly sexual, 35 percent said it was mostly non-sexual, and 4 percent said it’s equally sexual and non-sexual.

While a majority of all participants said that BDSM is sexual more often than not, the more involved people were in the BDSM scene, the more likely they were to practice non-sexual forms of BDSM.

Why is that? “The scene encourages kinksters to view BDSM as less sexual and to filter for the kinds of people who view BDSM less sexually.” It is important to note that BDSM playspaces often have formal rules and informal norms that de-sexualize them to some degree.

This may be due, in part, to a desire by some to remove the “dirty” connotations that are associated with sex in general and show that BDSM, in and of itself, has social value. However, it may also be because, over time, people engaged in BDSM learn to draw other personal meaning from it.

Of course, there’s also a possible selection effect: maybe those who get most involved in the scene saw BDSM as less sexual to begin with. For example, these individuals may have always drawn more personal meaning from BDSM.

It’s also worth mentioning that it is possible to be asexual and into BDSM, and research has shown that some asexual people form non-sexual relationships through BDSM participation. If people who are drawn to BDSM for more non-sexual reasons are disproportionately likely to get highly involved in the scene, this could help to explain the effect.

Takeaways

It is important to reiterate that the findings from this study come specifically from the pansexual BDSM scene, which is not the only BDSM scene that exists. It is therefore important to explore whether the same pattern would emerge, for example, in the gay and lesbian BDSM scenes.

While we shouldn’t generalize broadly to all BDSM practitioners from these findings, the key takeaway is really that while BDSM participation seems to have sexual elements more often than not, BDSM is a non-sexual experience for at least some individuals. As a result, future research on BDSM would benefit from more consideration of the factors that draw people to it and how this may evolve and change over time.

Shifting sexual norms have opened the door to kink for young adults.

Younger adults are fantasizing about and engaging in kink at higher rates than older generations.
Porn may be shaping Gen Z's interest in kink to some extent, but it's not the only factor at play.
The mainstreaming of kink and the reduction of stigma have created more opportunities for sexual exploration.

It is well documented that today’s young adults are having less sex than generations past. However, while they may be less sexually active overall, the sex that they are having is different in a key way: It’s kinkier.

In fact, it’s not a stretch to argue that Gen Z is perhaps the kinkiest generation yet. So why is that? In this post, we’ll explore some of the potential reasons. First, however, let’s dive into some of the data supporting the idea that young adults are especially drawn to kink.

Kink Across the Lifespan

The State of Dating Report: How Gen Z is Redefining Sexuality and Relationships. This report examines how generational factors influence sexual preferences and behaviors through an analysis of recent research that has come out of the Kinsey Institute, coupled with a survey of 3,310 members of Feeld, a dating app for the curious.

Beginning with the Feeld survey, one of the key questions participants were asked was whether they had discovered any new kinks since joining the app. A majority of Gen Zers (55 percent) said they had, which was higher than any other generation. For comparison, the numbers were 49 percent for Millennials, 39 percent for Gen X, and 33 percent for Boomers.

What we’re seeing on Feeld mirrors broader population trends. In a nationally representative U.S. survey of 1,500 American adults conducted at the Kinsey Institute, participants were asked about the extent to which they have sexual fantasies involving kink or BDSM. Gen Zers (55 percent) were the most likely to report kinky fantasies, followed by 52 percent of Millennials, 31 percent of Gen X, and 12 percent of Boomers.

Gen Z isn’t just fantasizing about kink, though—they’re also practicing it frequently in real life. As some evidence of this, in a 2021 survey of nearly 5,000 college students, researchers found that among those who currently had a romantic partner, 79 percent reported having engaged in kinky sex with that partner.

So where did Gen Z’s proclivity for kink come from? The State of Dating Report highlights two key factors.

The Role of Porn

The most common explanation you’re likely to hear is that this trend is a product of porn. This makes intuitive sense from the standpoint that porn has become the default form of sex education for many young adults today. Gen Z has easier access to porn than any generation that came before, and much of the porn that’s out there contains elements of kink.

For example, in a 2017 content analysis of videos randomly selected from one of the biggest porn sites in the world, nearly one-third of them contained scenes involving kink, BDSM, or rough sex.

Porn can and does shape our sexual interests to some extent, but it’s an oversimplification to suggest that porn is the only reason that young adults today are kinkier.

The Mainstreaming of Kink

In the last decade or so, kink has permeated our cultural consciousness in a way that it never has before. The 2010s will go down in history as the decade that kink went mainstream. Just consider that the three bestselling books of this time were the Fifty Shades trilogy, which sold a whopping 35 million copies combined. The subsequent film adaptations went on to gross over one billion dollars at the box office. Since then, kink portrayals have become a fixture in television, film, and music.

At the same time, we’ve started to see kink discussed regularly and openly on social media, the term “kink shaming” has become part of our vernacular, and kink has become an identity unto itself. Even the fields of psychiatry and psychology have taken steps to normalize kink, with the latest version of the DSM making clear for the first time that interest in BDSM in and of itself is not inherently disordered.

You can't fake it in a dungeon.
You don’t have to be kinky to want a happier life.
More happiness starts with getting radically honest with yourself.
You can learn a lot from kinksters about happiness without ever stepping into a dungeon.

This isn’t about turning you into a kinkster. It’s about what we can learn from kinksters to build a happier life. Researchers have pointed this out, too: BDSM isn’t just about fantasy. It’s often a way people build community, connection, and meaning when nothing else seems to fit.

And instead of just new sexual practices (BDSM isn’t about sex for everyone), they found something more valuable: a place to belong. A place where their desires weren’t weird, needs had names, and relationships were built on clarity rather than assumptions.

Maybe you relate because of that sense that something you can’t quite name is off. Maybe you’ve followed all the rules, but you still feel, well, restless.

The Kink Isn’t the Point

You don’t have to be kinky to recognize the deeper issue here.

What I saw in BDSM practitioners was what happens when people reject the default blueprint and build their own. They had to because nothing else worked.

And they built something many people crave and never find: a life that actually fits.

This isn’t about kink as a solution. It’s about kink as a case study. A group of people who had to figure out how to name their needs, communicate them clearly, and build relationships that actually feed them.

We live in a world that hands out a one-size-fits-all script: love, sex, security. But no one teaches you how to figure out what those things should actually look or feel like for you.

So, most people just follow the script. They do what they’re told will bring them happiness. And when that doesn’t work, they assume they're the problem.

But the people I interviewed had already tried all that. They did the things they were supposed to do, and it didn’t work. So, they tried something else because they were out of options. And in doing that, they built happier lives and relationships.

Most of us never get that far. We keep hoping that somehow things will eventually start making us happy.

We can learn something from people who were willing to toss the script. You don’t have to be kinky to want a life that fits you.

“In vanilla relationships, I always felt like I had to pretend. Like I couldn’t say what I really wanted without scaring someone off. Kink was the first place I ever felt like I could breathe,” added Rae, 35, a domme and a school counselor.

Be honest: How often do you feel like you have to shrink yourself (your wants, your needs, your thoughts) to accommodate someone else?

Most of us do it without thinking. We prioritize peace over honesty, even in our most intimate relationships, because we’ve been taught that needing too much—or wanting the “wrong” thing—makes us unlovable.

But what if the problem isn’t that we ask for too much but that we’ve spent our lives learning not to ask at all?

What Kinksters Know About Happiness

If there was one theme that came up again and again, it was this: Happiness requires honesty. And it’s not just about being honest with other people but being honest with yourself.

“I was exhausted from pretending,” said Morgan, a 46-year-old submissive. “Kink didn’t make me happy. But it forced me to get honest about what wasn’t working. And that’s what changed everything.”

For the people we spoke with, it wasn’t actually BDSM practice that made them happy. It was being authentic, fully themselves, and honest about what they wanted and needed. And then asking for those things from people they could trust.

It's Not About BDSM. It's About All of Us

Let’s be clear: I’m not suggesting everyone try kink. Most of us won’t. And that’s fine because if it’s not your thing, trying it won’t make you happier. It’ll just make you uncomfortable.

I’m not holding up kink as a solution, but I am using it to rethink how people build happiness in a world that rarely hands us the tools.

See, the point isn’t to swap one script for another. The point is to build a life that suits you. BDSM practitioners had to build their happiness from the ground up. They couldn’t keep pretending that what everyone else wanted made them happy. So, they created communities where their needs had language, their wants weren’t shamed, and they could be themselves.

And for many of them, that was lifesaving.

So, what about the rest of us? Well, we can keep pretending that the default blueprint works and keep trying to feel at home in lives that weren’t built for us.

But maybe it’s time to ask: What if the life you’ve been trying to fit into just wasn’t built for you? And what would it take to build one that was?

Why Gen Z Is the Kinkiest Generation Yet
Be honest: How often do you feel like you have to shrink yourself (your wants, your needs, your thoughts) to accommodate someone else?

Most of us do it without thinking. We prioritize peace over honesty, even in our most intimate relationships, because we’ve been taught that needing too much—or wanting the “wrong” thing—makes us unlovable.

But what if the problem isn’t that we ask for too much but that we’ve spent our lives learning not to ask at all?

To many, the idea of voluntarily being hurt, tied up, or called names during sex is unimaginable; as a result, many have long assumed that those who do desire such practices must have something wrong with them. This may be further compounded in cultures in which speaking openly about sex is frowned upon or that mandate a more traditional view of sexuality.

But recent psychological research has tended to conclude that there is nothing inherently mentally unhealthy about mutually consensual BDSM activities. A national survey of Australian adults, for instance, found that those who participated in BDSM were no more likely than others to have experienced sexual abuse or to be unhappy or anxious; a Dutch study found that BDSM practitioners showed greater subjective well-being than a control group.

Is an interest in kink a mental disorder?

No. Early psychologists viewed BDSM-related interests as pathological—leading many in the kink community to feel intense shame about their desires. Today, however, many researchers and clinicians acknowledge that BDSM can be part of healthy sexual expression. However, if the interests and behaviors involve non-consenting parties or cause the individual distress, they may indicate a mental health disorder.

Can BDSM be good for partners’ mental health?

While the direction of cause-and-effect is not fully understood, some studies suggest that BDSM is associated with improved mental health for partnered people. Research has found, for instance, that those who engage in BDSM in romantic relationships—and particularly those who take the dominant role—have lower neuroticism, decreased rejection sensitivity, and greater sexual satisfaction than controls.

What’s the difference between BDSM and para?

Paraphilias are sexual interests that are “atypical”; by this definition, certain aspects of BDSM (such as extreme sadism or masochism) could be considered paraphilias. However, the DSM currently defines paraphilic disorders as sexual practices that are “atypical” and cause the individual distress or involve non-consenting others. Thus, BDSM alone is not considered a paraphilic disorder.

My therapist judges me for enjoying BDSM. What should I do?

Qualified therapists should never be openly judgmental of their patients, even if they engage in practices the therapist personally does not understand. Therapy patients who feel as if their therapist is shaming them for consensual, non-dangerous sexual practices—BDSM or otherwise—should feel empowered to end therapy and find a new clinician.

How do I find a kink-friendly therapist?

Many therapists who identify as “kink-friendly” or “sex-positive” include that information on their website. Individuals can also search for kink-friendly therapists using the Psychology Today Therapy Directory, which allows them to filter by specialty. Patients are also free to ask their therapist directly if they are kink-friendly, if they are comfortable doing so.

Collaring is a symbolic gesture often used in committed power-exchange partnerships. Much like a promise ring or wedding band, a collar can signify devotion, growth, and shared commitment. It's not simply about wearing a physical object—it's about what that object represents between two people.

There are many forms of collaring, each with its own level of meaning and intent. Some wearers may choose a discreet piece they can wear in everyday life, while others reserve more ornate pieces for private spaces or ceremonies.

In total power exchange relationships, permanent collars are commonly utilized to symbolize a profound level of dedication and trust between partners. These collars not only offer a sense of security and belonging but also serve as a tangible representation of the submissive's commitment to their Dominant. Different types of submissive collars carry specific meanings within the BDSM community, reflecting individual preferences and relationship dynamics. The variation in collar types underscores the personalized nature of BDSM relationships and the importance of selecting a collar that resonates with the dynamics and boundaries of the couple.

When exploring the significance of sub collaring in BDSM, it becomes evident that the act of wearing a submissive collar transcends mere symbolism. It deepens emotional connections, enhances intimacy, and fosters clear communication within the relationship. In total power exchange dynamics, permanent collars symbolize complete ownership, trust, and devotion, creating a profound sense of security and fulfillment for the submissive. The symbolism behind wearing a submissive collar embodies core values of trust, respect, and mutual understanding, enriching the power dynamics and emotional depth of the BDSM relationship.

Understanding Sub Collaring in BDSM

Being collared sexually signifies belonging to a Dom in a BDSM relationship. This act of ownership and submission is a visible reminder of the power dynamics at play within the relationship. Collars can range from temporary play collars to permanent collars, each carrying distinct meanings and symbolizing different levels of commitment and trust. The act of collaring enhances the power dynamics, intimacy, and communication between partners, strengthening the bond and reinforcing the roles within the relationship.

In a BDSM dynamic, the symbolism of wearing a collar can extend beyond the physical realm to encompass emotional and psychological aspects. Submissives may find wearing a collar empowering, as it signifies their willingness to submit and serve their Dominant partner with trust and devotion. Collaring rituals often involve elements of vulnerability, trust, and intimacy, underscoring the emotional depth of the relationship and the mutual understanding between partners. The act of being collared can transform the dynamics of a BDSM relationship, creating a structured framework that nurtures trust, respect, and communication between the Dom and sub.

Types of Submissive Collars

In the realm of BDSM relationships, the diverse array of submissive collars serves as a visual language, communicating intricate aspects of the dynamic between partners. Training collars, for instance, are not only accessories but significant symbols that denote temporary roles and power dynamics during scenes. A submissive wearing a training collar may indicate their readiness to engage in a specific role-play scenario, such as exploring dominance and submission in a controlled environment.

Play collars play a contrasting role by blending seamlessly into everyday life while holding profound meaning in the BDSM context. These collars are discreetly worn in public settings and symbolize the enduring commitment and connection between a dominant and their submissive partner. For instance, a day collar worn under clothing can act as a constant reminder of the power dynamics and bond shared between the individuals, even in mundane settings like work or social gatherings.

On the other end of the spectrum, formal collars embody the Dom's responsibility for the safety and well-being of their submissive. These collars signify a commitment to caring for the submissive's physical and emotional welfare, creating a sense of security and trust within the relationship. A protection collar may be worn during particularly intense scenes to assure the submissive of their partner's protective role and support.

Etiquette and Rituals of Sub Collaring

Collaring ceremonies often include elements such as vows, symbolic gestures, and the exchange of collaring tokens. These rituals go beyond the physical act of donning a collar; they express the deep emotional connection, commitment, and trust between the Dom and sub. Some BDSM communities have established guidelines on proper collaring etiquette, emphasizing mutual respect, consent, and understanding between partners. These guidelines serve as a framework for healthy and fulfilling BDSM dynamics, ensuring that all parties feel valued and safe within the relationship.

Submissives play an active role in the collaring process by expressing their preferences regarding the style, material, and symbolism of their collars. Some submissives may prefer leather BDSM collars for their durability and traditional aesthetic, while others may opt for symbolic charms or tags that hold personal significance. These preferences not only influence the physical collar chosen but also contribute to the emotional and psychological meaning behind the act of being collared. By respecting the individuality and preferences of each partner, collaring ceremonies become meaningful expressions of trust, commitment, and mutual understanding within the BDSM relationship.

History and Origins of Collaring in BDSM

The history of collaring in BDSM is deeply rooted in traditions dating back to the 1600s, with origins in European courtship practices and Native American customs. In European courtship, exchanging tokens of affection symbolized a deep commitment between partners, akin to an engagement ring in contemporary relationships. Native American cultures also incorporated the concept of collaring, using it to signify the bond between individuals within the community. These historical influences have shaped the modern understanding of collaring in BDSM dynamics, emphasizing the symbolism of commitment, trust, and devotion within relationships.

Throughout different cultures and historical periods, the significance of collaring has varied, reflecting diverse societal norms and perceptions surrounding BDSM relationships. In some cultures, collaring ceremonies were elaborate events that mirrored traditional weddings, underscoring the solemnity and importance of the commitment being made. Over time, the symbolism attached to collaring has evolved to encompass themes of power exchange, ownership, and mutual respect within BDSM dynamics. These shifts in meaning highlight the dynamic nature of collaring practices and their ability to adapt to changing social contexts and relationship dynamics.

As collaring ceremonies have adapted to contemporary understandings of power dynamics and relationship structures, they have become more personalized and reflective of the unique dynamics between individuals. Today, collaring rituals may involve a blend of traditional customs and modern interpretations, catering to the specific preferences and boundaries of those involved. The evolution of collaring in BDSM relationships underscores the enduring nature of the practice, which continues to serve as a symbolic representation of commitment, trust, and mutual understanding within the BDSM community.

Choosing the Right Submissive Collar

When it comes to selecting the perfect submissive collar, there are several essential factors to consider. Firstly, collars should not only be comfortable to wear but also resonate with the personal preferences and symbolism that hold significance for the individuals involved in the BDSM relationship. For example, some submissives may prefer collars made from specific materials or adorned with certain symbols that reflect their identity within the dynamic.

Effective communication between partners is crucial during the collar selection process. It ensures that both individuals are aligned in their expectations, desires, and the symbolism attached to the collar. By openly discussing their preferences and understanding each other's viewpoints, partners can choose a collar that not only symbolizes their dynamic but also fosters a deeper connection and mutual understanding within the BDSM relationship.

Impact of Sub Collaring on Relationship Dynamics

The impact of sub collaring on relationship dynamics in BDSM is profound and multifaceted. Beyond being a symbol of ownership and submission, wearing a collar can significantly deepen emotional connections between partners. The act of donning a collar can serve as a powerful visual representation of the trust and intimacy shared within the relationship. For many submissives and dominants, the collar acts as a tangible reminder of the commitment and devotion they have towards each other, fostering a sense of security and closeness.

Sub collaring plays a crucial role in establishing clear roles, boundaries, and expectations within a BDSM dynamic. By designating the submissive partner with a collar, both parties are provided with a structured framework that outlines their respective roles in the relationship. This clarity can enhance communication, reduce misunderstandings, and create a sense of predictability that contributes to a healthy power exchange dynamic. The collar acts as a visible marker of the power dynamics at play, reinforcing the submissive's role and empowering them to fully embrace their submission with confidence and pride. This empowerment can lead to increased self-awareness, personal growth, and a deeper connection to their dominant partner.

Consent in Sub Collaring

Consent plays a paramount role in the practice of sub collaring within BDSM relationships. The process of collaring must be rooted in enthusiastic and informed consent from all parties involved. This foundational principle ensures that all individuals willingly participate in the collaring ceremony and understand the significance of the act. Through open and transparent communication, consent negotiations often involve detailed discussions about the symbolism, expectations, and responsibilities associated with wearing a submissive collar. These conversations help establish boundaries, clarify roles, and ensure that both the Dominant and submissive are aligned in their understanding of the collaring dynamics.