How To Be A Dom

This is written open-ended so that you can fill in what it means to you I can't do that because we are all different so what it means to me might not be what it means to you. There is a frame work you do the rest.

Dominance 

Dominance revolves around the exercise of control and authority by one partner, the Dominant, over the other, the Submissive. This dynamic is characterized by the Dominant's leadership, guidance, and decision-making, creating a...

Fear

Fear, within the context of BDSM, refers to the emotional response that can arise from the dynamics of power exchange and the exploration of vulnerability. This category encompasses various forms of fear, including the fear of losing...

Gratitude, Appreciation, Thankfulness & Gratefulness

Gratitude is the emotion of recognizing and appreciating the kindness, effort, or generosity of others. It involves a deep sense of thankfulness and acknowledgment that can strengthen relationships and foster a sense of connection. Whether...

Expressing Gratitude

Expressing gratitude is the act of openly acknowledging and appreciating the kindness, support, or generosity of others. It can take many forms, such as saying “thank you,” writing a heartfelt note, giving a meaningful gift, or simply...

Humiliation, Degradation, Objectification and Shame

Humiliation, degradation, objectification, and shame are interconnected categories within BDSM that explore themes of power dynamics, emotional responses, and the complexities of submission. These concepts can evoke intense feelings and...

Exhibitionism

Exhibitionism in the context of BDSM refers to the consensual act of displaying oneself or engaging in sexual activities in front of an audience, whether that audience is made up of other participants in a scene, a larger gathering, or...

Public Humiliation 

Public Humiliation explores the thrill and risks of engaging in humiliation acts in semi-public or public spaces, emphasizing discretion and consent

Love / Caring for Others

Love and caring for others is a category within BDSM that emphasizes the emotional depth, compassion, and nurturing aspects of relationships, particularly within power exchange dynamics. This theme highlights how affection and care can...

Lust / Arousal 

Lust and arousal in the context of BDSM represent the intense physical and emotional sensations that can arise from power exchange dynamics and the exploration of desires. This category focuses on the thrill of sexual attraction and the...

Pain and Sadomasochism

Explore the complex relationship between pain and pleasure in my Pain category, which covers the safe application of painful stimuli for erotic enjoyment.

Discomfort / Long Term Pain 

This category includes activities designed to induce prolonged sensations of discomfort or pain, often to test endurance, enhance submission, or explore control dynamics. Methods might involve wearing restrictive or irritating.

Patience

Patience is a vital category within BDSM that emphasizes the importance of taking time to understand, nurture, and develop the dynamic between the Dominant and the Submissive. This concept revolves around the idea that both partners can...

Pleasure

Pleasure is a central category in BDSM that encompasses the various forms of enjoyment and gratification experienced by both the Dominant and the Submissive within their dynamic. This concept highlights the importance of seeking and embracing...

Romance 

Romance in the context of BDSM encompasses the emotional and intimate aspects of a relationship that go beyond physical interactions and power dynamics. This category highlights the significance of affection, love, and emotional connection..

emotional connection...
Safety 

Safety as a feeling refers to the emotional state of being secure, protected, and free from harm within a BDSM dynamic. This feeling is crucial for both the Dominant and the Submissive, as it allows them to fully engage in their roles and...

Submission 

Submission is a fundamental category within BDSM that refers to the act of yielding control and authority to another person, typically the Dominant. This dynamic is characterized by the Submissive's willingness to embrace vulnerability and...

Trust 

Trust is a cornerstone category in BDSM that refers to the deep-seated confidence and reliance that both the Dominant and the Submissive place in each other within their dynamic. This emotional bond is essential for fostering a safe and...

"Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, some people want to be full-time personal servants and truly want to exist solely for their Dom's (me)'s use, pleasure, and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes."

THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST. Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's terms and for the masochist's direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seeks mainly her/his direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, the submissive is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e., enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.

UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/nonerotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed-upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the property of the dominant at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life- practical/nonerotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of the time to other commitments (e.g., job), but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.

FULL-TIME LIVE-IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom's (me)'s pleasure/well-being. A slave, in turn, expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world, the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't a slave unless you're willing to do anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases, I have reason to doubt the claim.

A true Master shall take pride in the fact that a woman has chosen to devote her entire being to the satisfaction and fulfillment of his desires. Just as she, in return, can take pride that such a man has chosen her, above all others, to provide that fulfillment. For openers, the female should decide that she may be a true submissive and find the courage and commitment to put herself in the hands of a true Master. She must know that at that precise moment, her option to make choices will end. He will do what he wants to do, completely apart from her preconceived ideas. I am not necessarily referring to physical discipline, and I am most definitely not referring to the extremes of physical discipline. There are always limits, and the true Master knows what they are. He also knows that those limits are different for every slave. But he also knows that regardless of those individually determined limits, every slave should at least once be forced to go one step beyond what she believes she can endure.

A Master should do what pleases him. The secret is to know the slave well enough so that while pleasing himself, he also provides her with fulfillment. But he should also, once in a while, take his slave (even for a brief moment) slightly beyond her self-conceived limits. But in doing so, he must take care not to hurt her. Again, he must know the slave well. In short, a slave should, once in a while, be forced to beg to plead, "Oh God, please stop!" But after every session, a slave should also, if only just to herself, always say, "Oh God, I want him to have me again!"

As I said, it doesn't have to be physical discipline. If the female is lucky, she may someday find a Master who is also an expert at sensual "torture." If you have never experienced this, you may not believe it, but a Master who knows the art and who is smart enough to learn what kind of a woman he is dealing with will be able to "torture" her without hurting her at all!

The human body can voluntarily withstand only a certain level of sensual pleasure or sensation. That is why a man, when he has an orgasm, usually stops moving, because he just can't stand the sensation of having the tip of his penis stimulated while he is coming. That's also why a woman who has a true, full orgasm also usually stops moving, or arches her back and pulls her body taut, or fights or cries out or curls into a ball.

It is not that it hurts. It is just that the pleasure is unbearable! But suppose a woman were tied and exposed and helpless. And suppose that a man knew her well enough to be able to regularly bring her to full orgasm. And then suppose the Master did that and kept her there right at the peak for perhaps five minutes or ten or even twenty minutes! Imagine being at the peak of an orgasm that didn't stop. Imagine straining at your bonds and screaming and pleading and begging for him to stop, and imagine him being good enough and strong enough to ignore the screams and to keep that sensual "torture" going on and on, because it pleases him to hear the screams and begging him to stop but not until he chooses to, for himself.

This same principle is true of actual physical discipline, for those Master/slave relationships where true discipline is involved. Suppose that a slave could, without being bound, voluntarily withstand thirty lashes of a whip across her back. But then suppose she was bound, arms stretched high overhead, her body naked and helpless, and her Master begins her "test." And because she is proud, and because she wants to provide her Master with as much pleasure as possible, she does not actually " break" until after forty lashes, but then she begs him to stop. If he is a true Master, and if it pleases him to continue, he should not stop. Perhaps he should continue for another five lashes, or maybe even ten, depending on his pleasure, of course, but also based on the knowledge he has, through experience, of just how much his slave can endure, not simply what her body tells her she can endure. There is a difference.

If the Master is wise and has been accurate in his assessment of his slave's true stamina, the slave will realize that she did endure it after all. Even more important, she will be proud that she was able to provide her Master with that additional pleasure, and the next time perhaps she won't beg until after fifty lashes.

But of course, the Master may not stop then, either!

S/M can be the most exciting form of sexual foreplay ever experienced. Every "Master/slave" relationship should be based on a profound and deeply satisfying sexual relationship. Every meeting should include (and usually conclude with) some form of sexual activity that is satisfying to both. But that, of course, is generally true of every deep male/female relationship.

So what makes this any different?

The difference lies in the submission of one and the dominance of the other. That, of course, is what your fantasies have been based on. In effect, you say you have dreamed of " submitting" yourself to a man, allowing yourself to be rendered helpless so that he can "rape" you. And that act of submission, you say, would enhance the excitement and pleasure you would derive from the sex act. (Indeed, the truth may be that this is the only way that you would be able to derive real pleasure from sex.)

But if this is as far as you've gone in your fantasies, you may well be asking yourself, "What is all the rest about?" Why does he/she talk about prolonged sexual teasing and torture? And what about real discipline ... actual pain, even if only at a very minor threshold level? Would a Master whip me? Could you whip her?

I have no idea, but the simple fact is that all these things, carefully selected and based on each partner's reaction, can be part of what becomes a much greater, much more rewarding, and much more fulfilling sexual relationship. Sex, without some form of mutual love or deep feelings, is of little meaning, and that, in turn, requires each partner to try to give the other as much pleasure as possible. For a submissive, that means "giving" herself to her Master for his pleasure. The total submission of her mind and body are her gifts to him, for him to do with as he chooses, and he takes great pleasure in that gift.

Every Master is different, of course, but in general, they take tremendous pleasure in imposing dominance and will upon a submissive female, both mentally and physically. Using both her mind and body to demonstrate power over her. Make her think and feel like she has never felt before. Forcing her to experience the furthest extremes of sensual and physical sensations. Making her beg to stop either the pleasure or the pain.

Best of all, the male should love watching her face and her expressions as she realizes that, despite her pleas, he is not going to stop, at least not right that minute. And, finally, he should love watching her recognize his dominance over her, and then watching her resign her mind and her body to accept the previously unacceptable ... all for his pleasure!

Through all of this, and governing all of this, is the overriding "love" that he should feel for her and, in turn, it is her knowledge that he does care for her deeply, and the trust that that knowledge gives her, that allows her to give him that marvelous gift of her mind and body.

But what about the submissive one? What pleasure does she get? Again, each is different, but there are some common denominators. First, a "slave" must deeply trust and deeply care for her Master. She should truly want to give him pleasure. And so, for most slaves, the first pleasure is the very deep pleasure derived from the act of giving ... a very profound pleasure because the gift she gives is also profound. .... She gives herself!

Second ( although there are some exceptions), a submissive female usually derives tremendous intellectual, sensual, and ultimately, sexual pleasure from the experience, assuming, of course, that the Master is gifted and sensitive and understanding. I assure you that I have only scratched the surface. The Master should be able to teach the slave things about herself she had never dreamed of, exposing her to sources of pleasure of a kind and a level and an intensity she had never imagined!! The Master should explore every part of her mind and body and would ultimately discover the keys to her deepest pleasures.

It may be strictly sensual. There may be certain special parts of her body that, properly stimulated, turn on all her sexual senses. It may be just the bondage and helplessness itself, together with her ability to commit herself to it. Most submissive women derive tremendous sexual pleasure simply from being bound. (Almost all of them become lubricated and ready for sexual intercourse while in bondage.)

She may find pleasure in pain. And if she does, it may be just a certain level of pain or pain applied just to a certain part of her body. Many submissive people derive the most intense and exquisite sexual pleasure from the forced imposition of physical discipline, even to the point of orgasm.

You should know that " discipline" doesn't mean simply the whip. (Although, indeed, that phrase simply the whip" is misleading. There are hundreds of different kinds of whips, each capable of being used in a hundred different ways, so that in just this one "simple" area, there are an infinite variety of ways available to a knowledgeable Master to impose an equally infinite variety of torments.)

But there is so much, much more .... endless means, endless targets, endless degrees. To an imaginative and experienced Master, a marvelous and exquisite and almost limitless choice is available. But he must also have the sensitivity and the understanding and, yes, the love, to choose the right ones.

If he does, he will be successful in fulfilling his role as a Master. He will pleasure himself, of his choosing, but he will also provide his submissive partner either extreme pleasure or total psychological fulfillment or, often, both, depending on her special nature and needs.

Then there is the whole area of submission without bondage. A true Master, using proper training, can teach a woman to be submissive without putting her in bondage. If you have accepted a man as your Master, you should want to obey him without being "forced"

If he orders you to strip, you will strip. If he orders you to kneel, you will kneel. If he orders you to stand before him with your legs apart and your arms stretched high above your head, and not to move, you will do as he orders. And if while you are standing there, he chooses to whip you, you still will not move. And if he orders you to count the lashes, you will count them for him.

And if he orders you to kneel naked next to his bed while he sleeps. and to remain there, instantly ready to serve him in any way should he awake, you will kneel there, silent and naked and ready, and you will stay there. And if he does not awake until morning, you will still be there ... still kneeling .... still naked .... still ready.

But then a wise Master will order you to join him, and he will acknowledge the great pleasure your obedience has given him, and he will reward you with that special marvelous pleasure of your own that he knows so well to give you.

So what's this all about? A wonderfully elaborate, infinitely varied, terribly exciting series of scenarios, carefully and lovingly selected and orchestrated by the Master to provide both himself and his submissive partner with the most exquisite and profound emotional and sexual pleasure, each scenario based on, taking advantage of, and dramatizing the dominant nature of one and the submissive nature of the other.

It is, of course, a tremendous challenge. First, there's the challenge to the submissive to accept and endure the torment of bondage and discipline by which her chosen Master tests her and throughout which he realizes the most profound pleasure. (A weak or sniveling "slave" provides little pleasure for a Master) Of course, there are limits and, of course, they must be respected. But there will be those special times when, after being queried by her Master, the proud submissive will take as deep a breath as her chains will permit, look him in the eye, and in her special way and words say, in effect, "I'm here for your pleasure. Please don't stop until you are totally satisfied."

That is the challenge of the body. But there is also the challenge of the mind and the spirit. After all, a man is physically stronger than a woman, so physical domination (in its rawest sense, at least) is easy.

But intellectually, it's a different matter because, in an ideal S/M relationship, both partners should be equal in intellect so that the dominant and submissive roles result from conviction and choice rather than imposition. In addition to being physically dominant, a "Master"- while not intellectually superior, must also be intellectually dominant ... dominant by nature and spirit and will .... choosing to dominate while the submissive chooses to understand and appreciate and ultimately submit to that will. That is a much subtle and a far more difficult challenge.

But you need two things:

1. A Master who knows how to lead the slave to the far most pleasures.

2. A submissive with the courage to take the first step to try it.

Whatever the case. Take your time and go sloooow! :)

One might conclude that my attitudes and ideas about D/s are a little different than many of the Dominants that one might encounter. I am of the unpopular opinion that being a Dominant isn't all administered floggings and oral sex from prostrate submissives. In my humble opinion, being Dominant is about being consistently worthy of the respect, admiration, and faith given by the submissives to whom a Dominant is associated.

This is not an easy task because there is no established set of general guidelines for Dominants to follow. Dominant guidelines would also serve as the standard by which submissives could gauge how they are being treated. I am not quite so arrogant as to presume to author a manual for the behavior of Dominants. I can only humbly offer my opinion. I hope to open a dialog to develop a set of Dominant standards that help Dominants grow and protect submissives.

In my opinion, the three tenets of Dominance are these:

Honor (and respect)
Knowledge of the lifestyle, the acts they perform, and of any submissives that Dominant engages in BDSM play
Responsibility

Do what you say and say what you'll do. This is not as easy as it sounds, but it is the bedrock standard by which honor is judged. Think carefully about what you agree to because if you say that is what you will do, then you are honor-bound to do it. No one is perfect, and there are always extenuating circumstances. However, faith is the cornerstone of submission, and each time you don't do what you say, you chip away at the very foundation upon which honor is built.

For me, honor and respect have always been inexorably linked. You cannot have honor unless you respect yourself and others. You cannot honor someone else unless you respect that person, and I choose not to have ongoing relationships with those I do not honor and respect because they must end badly. One objective look at the many facets of our lifestyle makes it clear that drama is a built-in hazard to be avoided where and when you can.

The D/s relationship can take many forms, and innumerable permutations fall underneath the D/s banner. Each D/s player can have a part in defining their particular D/s experience because of the inherent flexibility built into the lifestyle. However, when the element of BDSM is added to the mix, there are many things a Dominant must know about BDSM play and about the individual submissive with whom they are playing, at any given time, if they are to be a safe BDSM practitioner.

To be a safe BDSM practitioner, the following questions should be considered;

1. Do you know that bondage can cause irreparable nerve damage if not executed correctly?
2. Did you know that there is a safe time limit for nipple clips to be applied before risking an unsafe loss of circulation?
3. Do you know where to avoid striking your partner so you don't damage vulnerable organs?
4. Are you equipped with a first aid kit in case of an accident, wherever and whenever you play?
5. Do you know about any medical conditions that could or should alter a scene?
6. Do you know if any of the submissives that you play with have any fears or idiosyncrasies that may cause an unwanted emotional reaction to an element of Domination that you employ?
7. Are you using safe words?
8. Do you get to know the reactions of any given submissive within subspace before you delve into seriously intense play so you KNOW how to keep said submissive safe?

These are not difficult questions for the experienced Dominants. However, one could ask 25 to 50 more questions at this perfunctory level. Put them all together, and there is a lot to know BEFORE the first flogger blow is struck. A good Dominant is a safe Dominant, and a safe Dominant is a learned individual. A Dominant who is not highly educated about each practice they perform with submissives is frankly dangerous and to be avoided.

Read books, go to websites, watch videos, and watch experienced Dominants whenever and wherever you can. Ask questions!! If you are interested in being a truly fine Dom/Domme, bottom, or submit to a fine and experienced Dominant and learn the art of Domination directly from the source. This will afford you some respect and empathy for the submissive. Even the Dominant that is capable of the most sadistic cruelty should display these qualities in abundance.

Just as honor and respect are linked, so too are knowledge and responsibility. I have written repeatedly, in both poetry and prose, that I believe a Dominant has four primary responsibilities for a submissive, which are:

Safety:
Safe Dominance is knowing what and what not to do in a given situation and being prepared when things don't go exactly as planned. It can be as simple as using quick-release knots or having a knife handy in bondage situations. It could be as complex as knowing where the veins and arteries are if you are into cutting. There are simple things that a Dominant must take into account and be responsible for because the submissive is incapable due to the vulnerability he or she has gifted the Dominant. For example, a submissive is cuffed (using the proper equipment to prevent nerve injury) to a St. Andrews cross and goes limp as he or she enters into the legendary "subspace." A Dominant must see this and support this submissive's weight immediately so he or she is not hung there by their wrists, potentially causing injury.

Well-being:
When applied to a D/s relationship, well-being refers to the results of one's Dominance. Well-being refers to whether or not the power gifted to the Dominants is wielded for the submissive's betterment or detriment. Is the submissive happier in their life, better at her job, a better mother, daughter, sibling, and friend as a result of Dominance or not? Security and empowerment look different to every submissive. A Dominant is responsible for finding out what security and empowerment mean to their submissive and providing them so the submissive can grow as a human being and be powerful outside the D/s relationship. The Dominant, who got into the lifestyle because they were insecure and needed to feel better about themselves at the expense of others, will do all they can to prevent the growth and empowerment of a submissive. The healthy submissive needs to extricate themselves from that situation post haste.

Training:
Well-being is about personal growth as a human. Training is about growth as a submissive. Training is the forum in which D/s partners work on their D/s relationship. Training a submissive requires an open line of communication wherein the Dominant listens carefully to a submissive to ascertain his or her needs, wants, hopes, and desires. I know this seems a bit touchy-feely for many of you. However, in my experience, knowing a submissive well, setting clear goals and expectations, and a firm hand mixed with respect and empathy gets results that will, in turn, satisfy the Dominant's wishes and the submissive's need to please.

Pleasure:
Happy people are better at everything they do. Knowing how to please a submissive or withhold pleasure, if that is what works for a particular submissive, will make all the aforementioned labors easier. One of the most common mistakes people make is thinking they know what pleases someone because a particular method worked on someone else.

Talk to the submissive openly. Become an expert on their bodies by finding out everything they know about themselves and using this information to discover things that they don't know. A submissive's pleasure is part of their growth as both a human being and a submissive. At the very least, a Dominant needs to become technically proficient at pleasing each submissive. Passion for pleasing submissives makes this better for both Dominants and submissives.

I welcome comments and suggestions from both Dominants and submissives regarding the ongoing development of Standards of Dominance.

Submission comes in many forms. The sexual submissive, the SAM, (Smart Ass Masochist) the slave, the bottom that thinks they are a submissive, and the submissive that thinks they are a slave. No matter what one calls themselves or what brand of submission they practice, there is one thing that remains a constant within the great circle of Dominance and submission; it’s the submissive’s bottom which lay bared and blushed for all the world to see. It is the submissive who is tied to the bed, cuffed to the St. Andrews cross, suspended from the ceiling, and at the business end of the single tail. Hence, it is the submissive that suffers whenever there is inexperience, negligence, incompetence, skullduggery, or just a freak accident.

Furthermore, it is this vulnerability that many submissives crave. Given the aforementioned facts and the need for submissives to be happy, healthy, and safe, I pose this question: What can a submissive do to satisfy their need to submit while also addressing the need for physical, emotional, and intellectual security?

Just as my previous article, Standards For Dominance, speaks to the fact that there are no established guidelines for dominant behavior on which the majority of “safe sane” members of our community agree, neither are there guidelines for submissives to refer to before agreeing to submit.

I am in no position to prescribe methods by which to submit as I have yet to submit myself. I offer these humble suggestions with my only credential being that I have been and ever shall be a Dominant advocate for submissives. I have saved submissives from dangerous scenes in dungeons (and been thanked profusely for it) I have defended submissives in chat rooms, and I have written numerous articles about submissive rights. While I have never “submitted,” I have bottomed on countless occasions, garnering respect and empathy for those without whom dominance is moot.

I would like to preface the following comments by acknowledging the submissive whose sole goal in life is to please and obey their Mistress/Master/Dominant with no regard for their personal choices, needs, or feelings. With all respect for that choice, this article is written for the submissive who requires the terms of their submission to include provisions for his or her mental, physical, and emotional health, well-being, and happiness.

In my humble opinion, the tenets of safe submission are these:

Know yourself and articulate what you want
Don’t settle
Have a formal agreement
Get out of the relationship if your agreement is breached.

The reason what we do is referred to as power “exchange” is because each party should get something out of the arrangement. To know yourself and be able to articulate what you want is the first step to ensuring that you are happy with what you get, assuming that is your goal. A submissive must know what makes them want to submit, under what terms they will submit, and what qualities they look for in a Dominant to whom they will submit.

The submissive who has not asked and answered the questions why, under what terms, and to whom is not yet ready to be in a D/s relationship. This submissive is destined to be a victim of their ignorance of themselves. Furthermore, if you ask yourself why you want to submit, and the answer is that you don’t like yourself, you have low self-esteem, or you need to be punished for wrongs you have committed in your past, this does not constitute a need to submit. These answers are indicative of someone who requires professional therapy before they are ready to consider the D/s lifestyle.

It is important to know what to look for in and expect from a Dominant. In the article Standards For Dominance, I cite the tenets of Dominance as these:

Honor (and respect)
Knowledge, both of the lifestyle and of any submissives
Responsibility

Detailed explanations of these qualities as they refer to Dominants are offered in the aforementioned article. In my opinion, these are the bare minimum personality traits required to be a good Dominant. If a potential Dominant is weak in any or all of these essential Dominant traits, no amount of love, service, devotion, or nurturing can change this. If a submissive settles for a Dominant lacking in these areas, they are jeopardizing their physical and emotional well-being to do so.

Many of the submissives with whom I am acquainted express a need, a hunger to submit to another’s will, to serve, to please, and to acquiesce to domination. These are fine qualities in a submissive, to be sure, unless this need drives them to pursue being dominated beyond reason and intuition. When Dominants and submissives meet, there is a tendency for them to assume their natural roles. Many submissives start to submit right from the beginning. If the submissive has begun to submit before there is an agreement in place, it becomes difficult for the submissive to advocate for themselves when building the parameters for their D/s relationship.

Submission is an extremely fluid concept. The submissive who simply submits without knowing what constitutes submission in the mind of the potential Dominant and does not define boundaries and limitations that ensure their physical and emotional well-being has given away their power and is left with nothing to exchange.

Dominants, like most humans, value that which is earned, and possessions obtained easily are deemed of lesser value. The mistake many submissives make is believing that submission equals powerlessness in the eyes of a Dominant. There is a difference between being powerless and having a power exchange.

It is the insecure or nefarious Dominant that wants their submissives to be powerless. As a Dominant, I want my submissives to be as powerful as they can be. This makes the gift of their power more valuable and makes us formidable as a unit. A Dominant’s “job” is to give a submissive a secure place to express themselves as a submissive. A truly fine Dominant will help their submissive be more powerful in the other sections of his or her life.

A submissive needs to remember that they are not a Dominant’s submissive, subject to their will, until they have agreed to be so. BEFORE a submissive agrees to submit, they need to know exactly what they are getting into. The parameters of the relationship need to be defined, and the submissive’s needs, wants, hopes, desires, and hard and soft limits must be clearly stated.

Somehow, the rumor got started that when things are “right,” the other person “just knows” what someone wants. This is bullshit of the first order! If you have not told someone what you need and you don’t get it…It’s your fault. There is no need for this to be a confrontational or adversarial process. A submissive can express their requirements with respectful passion, and a good Dominant understands their responsibilities for a submissive’s safety, well-being, training, and pleasure (See Standards for Dominance for details on the responsibilities of Dominants). They need this information to execute these responsibilities.

Many D/s couples negotiate terms and sign a formal written contract to formalize the process. This contract has no “legal” bearing whatsoever. It is in place to remind the partners of what they agreed to do. Done correctly, this can be a bonding experience as it symbolizes a commitment.

Many forms of D/s relationships are less formal. Certainly, partners can deepen and strengthen their commitment in stages or not at all. Whatever partners expect from one another, whether it is for a single scene or a lifetime commitment, must have defined parameters. It is these parameters that give a submissives the power to choose the general direction of their submission. Once an agreement is struck, the submissive can submit freely, leaving the details of how they arrive at a destination to their honorable, knowledgeable, and responsible Dominant.

I see the words “A submissive is not a doormat” constantly. But only when submissives don’t act like doormats do these high-minded words have teeth. If a “Dominant” is not honorable, knowledgeable, and responsible, if they do not respect your agreements and you remain in that situation, you are acting like a doormat, and you will continue to be treated as such.

The great circle that is Dominance and submission requires both in tandem to be more than just an idea, but a lifestyle. When D/s players work in tandem, they can build a healthy, happy existence for all concerned. The good Dominant respects and values the submissive, who respects and values themselves. It is this respect and value of your submission that is the essence of the power that you exchange. Cherish and nurture your submissive power and give it only to those who earn this precious gift.

How do you tell a sexy, confident, and beautiful "vanilla" woman that the reason you turned down her invitation to dinner is because she is well...vanilla?

From time to time over the past five years, I have had to stop in at the local bar, which is several blocks from my home. I go there because they keep copious amounts of my three favorite single malt scotches in stock for cheaper than I have ever seen anywhere else and because it is within staggering distance of my house. Not that I am EVER a sloppy staggering drunk, but I am happy I can walk on that very rare occasion that I decide to have a third glass. Not that the third would make me stagger, but it would send my blood alcohol levels higher than my state allows, and being arrested for DUI and having my car confiscated, which is the law here, is not something I require to make my life complete.

There is a particular woman that I have run into at the bar for the past three years or so. While she is very attractive and makes it plain that she finds me so, it is not my practice to come on to women in bars, and if I were to do so, it would not be in my local watering hole where I just want to have a drama free drink from time to time. To further seal the ill fate of any potential relationship with this charming woman, she is no doubt, hands down, and unequivocally monogamous and "vanilla."

You know, after a while, you get a feel for these things. You get certain answers to certain questions, and DING DING DING DING...WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOP VANILLA VANILLA VANILLA!!!! She practically has "vanilla" branded on her forehead. Now, Ladies and gentlemen, I think that sweet, tender, and gentle lovemaking has its place in the grand scheme of a relationship. But the thought of sex, in the missionary position, twice a month, with the same woman, who thinks oral sex is kinky, for the rest of my life, makes my dick break out in hives. It makes me have flashbacks of my marriage to a lovely, confident, accomplished, intelligent, beautiful, monogamous "vanilla" woman...Does anyone remember where I put that cyanide?

Make no mistake...My ex is a wonderful woman, and she's the best mom I ever saw...But I'd rather be fisted by King Kong, with no lube, than be with another lovely, confident, accomplished, intelligent, beautiful, monogamous "vanilla" woman who is hurt every day because this extremely passionate man can find no sexual passion for her. I was going through the motions...and she knew it. This is a kind of consensual, non-consensual torture to which I cannot subscribe.

Now I know what you are thinking: "He knows she is vanilla, so there's no problem, right? He won't let anything develop between them because he KNOWS they are incompatible, right, WRONG!!! While the blessed onset of that middle-aged drop in testosterone thankfully rid me of the belief that every one of the good earths creatures who happens to be sporting a pair of breasts and a vagina required a merciless fucking, unfortunately, I am a terrible flirt. If an attractive woman flirts with me, I flirt with her. I believe that flirting has its place. I believe one can flirt with someone in a given environment with no intention of going further. I thought there was no harm in it with this particular woman for three years, but one day, it all changed.

Last month, this woman asked me to walk her to her car. During the short walk to the parking lot, she asked me to dinner. Her intent was clear...This was not going to be a friendly dinner during which we explored the possibility of a platonic relationship. She touched me and looked at me in a way that let me know that her intentions and mine were very different. I intended to continue our less-than-intimate barroom flirtation. She intended to lay passionately motionless on her back while I fucked her blue twice a month until I went insane. We would not make it through the first month. I had a nasty feeling that my cheap, drama-free drinks within staggering distance had come to an end, and it was probably my fault. I gently, delicately, and respectfully declined her invitation and did not return to the bar until last week. Not that I was hiding, OK I was hiding. I wanted to let a little time pass.

As soon as I walked in, she asked to speak with me in private, hence the onset of drama. She nailed me! What I mean by that is that she asked questions in such a way as to preclude the customary platitudes that generally accompany "letting someone down easy." "It's not you, it's me" was not going to work unless I told her that the "problem with me" was that ugly tendency to restrain women to an apparatus and then alternately and simultaneously administer pain and pleasure until they are senseless.

Classic beauty, I can take or leave. The main reason I think she is attractive is that she is smart. She said she liked the fact that I was NOT cruising the bar to pick up women. She went on to say that she knew that I found her attractive, and she was right. She knows friends of mine, so she is sure that I am not married. Then she asked me point blank why I would not go out with her.

While I am not interested in having my business spread around my local bar by a rejected woman, I also like this person, and I respect the fact that she was forthright. I am not interested in telling her bullshit. So I asked her straight out, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how kinky are you?" She was naturally somewhat taken aback. "Why do you ask that?" she asked. "Well, what were you thinking was going to happen after dinner?" "Oh, well, ahh I would suppose about a 3, ahh how about you?" she said, winching at the prospect of the answer. I replied as if my level of kink-o-meter had been calibrated with a calculator and a slide rule by Mr. Spock himself.

You see, I knew that our scales were calibrated on different levels. My 3 meant she was safely hogtied with a gag, nipple clamps, and a butt plug up her ass while receiving the ever-so-loving sting of my riding crop. She explained later that she was a 3 because she had been tied to the bedpost with a pair of tube socks once, but she didn't like it.

I had my customary two drinks, she had more, and we parted laughing about our differences. While she pressed me for details, I gave very few in hopes of retaining my drama-free environment. We shall see if the next time I go, someone gives me that Oh MY GOD, I heard YOU ARE A FREAK look. Well, at least it will be the truth.

Before I publish this I thought long and hard about why some people get so upset when I share information some of my own and other's are just things I believe in why reinvent the wheel this is my blog and I like helping by sharing information if it keeps one sub safe I will take all the snarky remarks all I ask is what are you doing to help our community?

In short, S&M stands for Sadomasochism. But an answer like that is about as accurate as my grade ten math exam and as satisfying as the series finale of Sopranos.

The better and more inclusive term?

BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Heavy sounding words with an entire universe of confusion and judgment surrounding it. And it does sound very dark.

You probably think of something like the black and white image of "Steppy Leather Lady".

And it's true.

However, would you think of something like this image with "Cat Girl"?

This adorable, little kitten is into Pet Play. Scratching behind the ears, stroking of the back, told she’s the cutest thing ever.

Yep, sign me up now!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

BONDAGE = being tied up or restrained for the purposes of erotic enjoyment, aesthetic display, or somatosensory stimulation. This can include, rope, tape, stocking, ties, or anything that renders the person immobile. 

And yes, the fuzzy pink handcuffs at the bottom of your draw count.

Next is...

DISCIPLINE = Using rules and punishments to control or correct behavior.

It might sound scary (like getting caught jerking off in a church by a nun ... or 10 of them), but this can be exercised in any degree you can imagine -- but only in degrees you consent to.

Punishments are always discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. It can include: lectures, physical pain, humiliation (e.g. standing in the corner, naked), psychological punishments, loss of freedom (e.g. losing your computer or phone privileges)

“Since you can’t hold still, I’m going to have to tie you up.” or “Handwrite ‘I will not be late’ three hundred times.”

Or, in m my case, "Do the multiplication table without a calculator or fingers ... or toes."

Yeah? F-you.

DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION = The power exchange between two people. One having control over the other's actions.

It can be done over the phone, email, text, or in person. If you hear the word “Switch”, it means the person goes both ways – dominant and submissive.

There are many reasons why people choose either role, but the exchange is to give BOTH parties pleasure, not just one.

SADISM & MASOCHISM  = This is where we get the S&M (although SM or S/M is the more commonly used acronym).

The pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Not to be confused with the other usage of someone with cruel intentions. Aka. Assholes. 

DON'T SAY "I'M INTO BDSM"

It’s like saying, “I’m into sports”.

Okay. Fine. But which sport? 

You can like soccer, but loath hockey. You could have every Manchester United piece of sports paraphernalia and play on a wannabe pro team, or you could just kick around some balls once a month (which could also be deemed a BDSM activity, by the way). 

Someone might like many sports (and be well versed in all things related to their passion) but very few people like ALL sports.

Where is this sports rant going?

Mirror that with the umbrella term of BDSM and all its subcultures,

What do you get?

ONE SIMPLE FACT: There’s no one “right” way to be kinky.  

People have to do what works for them and their partner and not push it onto others (you can discuss, share, and disagree, but never push).

EXAMPLE: One girl could like being tied up but hate spanking while her friend is the opposite. A dude could get off wearing his wife’s underwear and ball gag while cleaning the bathroom, but only twice a year. You might like handcuffs, but not be interested in them after a few years.

It’s all okay.

Which brings us to the next important part...

TERMS AND CONCEPTS TO KNOW

A. CONSENT

One cornerstone of any healthy, respectful BDSM encounter. It is “an informed, uncoerced, enthusiastic, revocable permission for something to happen at or over the legal age of consent.”

People agree to play whether through a formal contract, verbal agreement, or casual conversation – it’s anything that clearly communicates they are aware of, educated on, and comfortable with the terms set forth.

Hell, my man and I know each other so well, a wink will do.

There’s also the word “revocable”, meaning they can take back the consent (aka changing their minds) and cease play at any time they want.

And just for fun ...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - something you probably watched in sex-ed class...

B. SAFE

Since BDSM walks into the realm of risky (in varying degrees) parties must be aware of and do everything that can to avoid or minimize possible unwanted injuries, disease, or danger.

Aka, you can hurt someone but not HURT someone.

To do this, one should research and understand the kink they’re about to explore.

EXAMPLE: What’s the cause of compression marks, rope burn, pinching, and bruising? Don’t know? Don’t get into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) without some serious homework.

YEP, a huge amount of your kink world will be...

... reading and learning.

There is also the  ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, NON-NEGOTIABLE ...

SAFE WORD

What is this word people keep going on and ON about?

It's a special word or designated movement which communicates to the person controlling the scene that there is a problem and play needs to immediately stop.

I know what  you're asking, "But why not just say "stop??"

You CAN. It's a perfectly acceptable choice.

But yep, you guessed it, there is a 'however" coming.

It needs to be something you normally wouldn’t scream in the middle of an intense moment. If you're in a scenario where you want to say "stop" BUT DON'T REALLY WANT THEM TO, then it's not a good choice - it will just confuse the shit out of your Dom/Domme.

Something like, “Pudding!” would be better.

A common choice is the traffic light system:

green (keep going)
yellow (getting near my limits)
red (immediately stop)
 

If you want more ideas, or watch some giggle-worthy videos, take a look at:

"Good Safe Words and Interesting Uses in Media"

Keep in mind:

This rule doesn’t apply to only the “bottom” (someone giving up control). “Tops” are totally within their rights to use safety words as well.

C. SANE

We're not talking about my friend's general consensus on my state of mind ... or lack thereof. 

It's having a healthy, sensible, and realistic frame of mind that is free from psychological derangement (here's where my friends tend to laugh and say I'm excluded)  

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

LEARN ABOUT LIMITS

I know it's a lot of info but stay with me here.

Limits are something you should talk about before you even agree to play.

But there's not just one kind.

There are ...

Soft Limits – something a person is uncomfortable with, can be consented to but requires a cautious approach

“I’m willing to try anal beads, but we need to move really slowly and be prepared for a safety word.”

Hard Limits – under no circumstances can the action be done, violating a hard limit is just cause for ending a scene and sometimes a relationship.

“Under no circumstances can you slap me in the face or insult me.”

Requirement Limits aka Must Limits – something MUST happen in a scene/play.

“You need to give me lots of kisses.”

Time Limits – a set period of time in which a scene or relationship (e.g. contract) will last.

"We will play for one hour, and one hour only."

"No" Limits – total power exchange, consensual non-consent (highly controversial in the BDSM community).

5. GETTING INTO BDSM

It’s recommended you take your time and have LOTS of communication with your partner. It won’t happen quickly.

If you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can talk to and confide in, but please make sure they are they healthy kind of person to be around. If there is no one to talk to, don’t despair! There are TONS of material on the internet and in books.

You can tiptoe into the shallow end of the pool by trying:

Light spanking (very light)
Light biting
Tying up with fuzzy handcuffs
Light orgasm denial
Sexy/kinky clothing
 

The next part is where I get a bit ranty/preachy/whatever...

Read on if you want a funny story about a Japanese fetish party, or just skip to the end/

6. MISCONCEPTIONS & STIGMA

Society and, in a large part, media has misrepresented and painted these practices as something dark, violent, and disturbed (like an episode of Law and Order: SVU) – that only those who were abused or are bonkers like such things.

It’s a rather large injustice to a community that is full of wonderful, kind, open people.

We need to be careful not to pigeonhole people into categories based on a single glimpse or a thimbleful of knowledge about that person’s life.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

For example Story Time in Japan

I went to a fetish party in Japan and watched a girl being tied up by a Bakushi Master (Bondage Master).

As he was pulling on the ropes, she started to bawl.

I mean, these were full-on sobs as if someone just told her she had to repeat high school, Santa wasn't real, and then kicked her puppy. My first instinct was that she was in trouble and the scene should stop.

I looked around the crowd of admirers.

WTF. 

Why no one was stepping in??

As I was mentally preparing to step up and fight for the reputation of the BDSM community and all things SSC, the girl’s boyfriend came up and tickled her – tears immediately ceased and she let loose a howling laugh.

It was immediately followed by a string of Japanese that loosely translated into, “Stop that, you (add explicative here) !” She then looked up and the Bukushi Master gave a little smile and asked him to continue.

Tears started again.

Yep, even for someone like me who adores BDSM and general kinkiness, there are moments of self-evaluation, re-evaluation, and getting my head out of my ass.

You’ve also heard the term “coming out” – it’s not only for the gay community. You can find it in the BDSM world as well.

Many people choose to keep their lifestyle a secret for fear of judgment or repercussions – like losing your job because your boss thinks you’re going to whip out a flogger in the middle of your business meeting (even though you haven’t in the five years of previous meetings). Some, however, choose not to hide their preferences. This is also classified as coming out.

 
One last thing to keep in mind – you can try something and not like it. It’s just as okay as trying something and loving it.

Explore, try, and test. But above all, be SAFE!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

WHAT IS BDSM? 6 ESSENTIAL CONCEPTS FOR BEGINNERS

You're probably here because you've come across the term S&M and it freaks you out ... but not enough to run away. There might even be a little curiosity budding under that sweet, vanilla exterior. 

The good news ...

This world isn't as terrifying as some media has painted it (or as ridiculously unhealthy as 50 Shades has portrayed).  In fact, the world is SO LARGE, there's something in there for everyone.

KEY TERMS AND CONCEPTS

In short, S&M stands for Sadomasochism. But an answer like that is about as accurate as my grade ten math exam and as satisfying as the series finale of Sopranos.

The better and more inclusive term?

BDSM = Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism.

Heavy sounding words with an entire universe of confusion and judgment surrounding it. And it does sound very dark.

You probably think of something like the black and white image of "Steppy Leather Lady".

And it's true.

However, would you think of something like this image with "Cat Girl"?

This adorable, little kitten is into Pet Play. Scratching behind the ears, stroking of the back, told she’s the cutest thing ever.

Yep, sign me up now!

WHAT EACH TERM MEANS

BONDAGE = being tied up or restrained for the purposes of erotic enjoyment, aesthetic display, or somatosensory stimulation. This can include, rope, tape, stocking, ties, or anything that renders the person immobile. 

And yes, the fuzzy pink handcuffs in the bottom of your draw count.

Next is...

DISCIPLINE = Using rules and punishments to control or correct behavior.

It might sound scary (like getting caught jerking off in a church by a nun ... or 10 of them), but this can be exercised in any degree you can imagine -- but only in degrees you consent to.

Punishments are always discussed and agreed upon ahead of time. It can include: lectures, physical pain, humiliation (e.g. standing in the corner, naked), psychological punishments, loss of freedom (e.g. losing your computer or phone privileges)

“Since you can’t hold still, I’m going to have to tie you up.” or “Handwrite ‘I will not be late’ three hundred times.”

Or, in m my case, "Do the multiplication table without a calculator or fingers ... or toes."

Yeah? F-you.

DOMINANCE & SUBMISSION = The power exchange between two people. One having control over the other's actions.

It can be done over the phone, email, text, or in person. If you hear the word “Switch”, it means the person goes both ways – dominant and submissive.

There are many reasons why people choose either role, but the exchange is to give BOTH parties pleasure, not just one.

SADISM & MASOCHISM  = This is where we get the S&M (although SM or S/M is the more commonly used acronym).

The pleasure derived from giving or receiving pain or humiliation. Not to be confused with the other usage of someone with cruel intentions. Aka. Assholes. 

Mirror that with the umbrella term of BDSM and all its subcultures,

What do you get?

ONE SIMPLE FACT: There’s no one “right” way to be kinky.  

People have to do what works for them and their partner and not push it onto others (you can discuss, share, and disagree, but never push).

EXAMPLE: One girl could like being tied up but hate spanking while her friend is the opposite. A dude could get off wearing his wife’s underwear and ball gag while cleaning the bathroom, but only twice a year. You might like handcuffs, but not be interested in them after a few years.

It’s all okay.

Which brings us to the next important part...

TERMS AND CONCEPTS TO KNOW

A. CONSENT

One cornerstone of any healthy, respectful BDSM encounter. It is “an informed, uncoerced, enthusiastic, revocable permission for something to happen at or over the legal age of consent.”

People agree to play whether through a formal contract, verbal agreement, or casual conversation – it’s anything that clearly communicates they are aware of, educated on, and comfortable with the terms set forth.

Hell, my man and I know each other so well, a wink will do.

There’s also the word “revocable”, meaning they can take back the consent (aka changing their minds) and cease play at any time they want.

And just for fun ...

Here's an oldie but a goodie - something you probably watched in sex-ed class...

B. SAFE

Since BDSM walks into the realm of risky (in varying degrees) parties must be aware of and do everything that can to avoid or minimize possible unwanted injuries, disease, or danger.

Aka, you can hurt someone but not HURT someone.

To do this, one should research and understand the kink they’re about to explore.

EXAMPLE: What’s the cause of compression marks, rope burn, pinching, and bruising? Don’t know? Don’t get into Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) without some serious homework.

YEP, a huge amount of your kink world will be...

... reading and learning.

There is also the  ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, NON-NEGOTIABLE ...

SAFE WORD

What is this word people keep going on and ON about?

It's a special word or designated movement which communicates to the person controlling the scene that there is a problem and play needs to immediately stop.

I know what  you're asking, "But why not just say "stop??"

You CAN. It's a perfectly acceptable choice.

But yep, you guessed it, there is a 'however" coming.

It needs to be something you normally wouldn’t scream in the middle of an intense moment. If you're in a scenario where you want to say "stop" BUT DON'T REALLY WANT THEM TO, then it's not a good choice - it will just confuse the shit out of your Dom/Domme.

Something like, “Pudding!” would be better.

A common choice is the traffic light system:

green (keep going)
yellow (getting near my limits)
red (immediately stop)

Keep in mind:

This rule doesn’t apply to only the “bottom” (someone giving up control). “Tops” are totally within their rights to use safety words as well.

C. SANE

We're not talking about my friend's general consensus on my state of mind ... or lack thereof. 

It's having a healthy, sensible, and realistic frame of mind that is free from psychological derangement (here's where my friends tend to laugh and say I'm excluded)  

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

LEARN ABOUT LIMITS

I know it's a lot of info but stay with me here.

Limits are something you should talk about before you even agree to play.

But there's not just one kind.

There are ...

Soft Limits – something a person is uncomfortable with, can be consented to but requires a cautious approach

“I’m willing to try anal beads, but we need to move really slowly and be prepared for a safety word.”

Hard Limits – under no circumstances can the action be done, violating a hard limit is just cause for ending a scene and sometimes a relationship.

“Under no circumstances can you slap me in the face or insult me.”

Requirement Limits aka Must Limits – something MUST happen in a scene/play.

“You need to give me lots of kisses.”

Time Limits – a set period of time in which a scene or relationship (e.g. contract) will last.

"We will play for one hour, and one hour only."

"No" Limits – total power exchange, consensual non-consent (highly controversial in the BDSM community).

5. GETTING INTO BDSM

It’s recommended you take your time and have LOTS of communication with your partner. It won’t happen quickly.

If you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can talk to and confide in, but please make sure they are they healthy kind of person to be around. If there is no one to talk to, don’t despair! There are TONS of material on the internet and in books.

You can tiptoe into the shallow end of the pool by trying:

Light spanking (very light)
Light biting
Tying up with fuzzy handcuffs
Light orgasm denial
Sexy/kinky clothing

6. MISCONCEPTIONS & STIGMA

Society and, in a large part, media has misrepresented and painted these practices as something dark, violent, and disturbed (like an episode of Law and Order: SVU) – that only those who were abused or are bonkers like such things.

It’s a rather large injustice to a community that is full of wonderful, kind, open people.

We need to be careful not to pigeonhole people into categories based on a single glimpse or a thimbleful of knowledge about that person’s life.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

But being 100% serious...

Stay away from the batshit crazy play partners and predators posing as Doms/Dommes.

Good partners act responsibly and exercise good judgment.

They have appropriate self-control and are respectful.

Since we’re dealing with power-exchange, and handing over large amounts of trust, making sane (controlled) choices is paramount.

The absence of SSC (forcing or pressuring someone to perform a sexual act that they are not willing to do and doing something that can endanger them) is rape and/or abuse.

It makes me vomit in my mouth when people say (or even believe) that slapping the BDSM term on abuse makes it okay.

Disgusting.

No.

Go to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect your f*ing 200 dollars.

Understand, it’s all measured in experience and perceived extremes.

One person might equate his lady donning a strap-on with an elephant-sized dildo as grounds for divorce, while another could call it a normal Saturday night.

Even hair pulling, biting, and scratching nails down someone’s back during sex falls within the BDSM realm – it’s just to the lighter side.

As long as it’s SCC between two (or three or four...) people, it’s really nobody else’s business.

Robyn

A true Master shall take pride in the fact that a woman has chosen to devote her entire being to the satisfaction and fulfillment of his desires. Just as she, in return, can take pride that such a man has chosen her, above all others to provide that fulfillment. For openers, the female should decide that she may actually be a true submissive, and find the courage and commitment to put herself in the hands of a true Master. She must know that at that precise moment her option to make choices will end. He will do what he wants to do, completely apart from her preconceived ideas. I am not necessarily referring to physical discipline, and I am most definitely not referring to the extremes of physical discipline. There are always limits, and the true Master knows what they are. He also knows that those limits are different for every slave. But he also knows that regardless of those individually determined limits, every slave should at least once be forced to go one step beyond what she believes she can endure.

A Master should do what pleases him. The secret is to know the slave well enough so that while pleasing himself, he also provides her with fulfillment. But he should also once in a while take his slave (even for a brief moment) slightly beyond her own self-conceived limits. But in doing so, he must take care not to really hurt her. Again he must know the slave well. In short, a slave should, once in a while, be forced to beg to plead, "Oh God, please stop!" But after every session, a slave should also, if only just to herself, always say, "Oh God, I want him to have me again!"

As I said, it doesn't have to be physical discipline. If the female is lucky, she may someday find a Master who is also an expert at sensual "torture." If you have never experienced this, you may not believe it, but a Master who knows the art, and who is smart enough to learn what kind of a woman he is dealing with, will be able to "torture" her without hurting her at all!

The human body can voluntarily withstand only a certain level of sensual pleasure or sensation. That is why a man, when he has an orgasm, usually stops moving, because he just can't stand the sensation of having the tip of his penis stimulated while he is coming. That's also why a woman who has a true, full orgasm also usually stops moving, or arches her back and pulls her body taut, or fights or cries out or curls into a ball.

It is not that it hurts. It is just that the pleasure is unbearable! But suppose a woman were tied and exposed and helpless. And suppose that a man knew her well enough to be able to regularly bring her to full orgasm. And then suppose the Master did that and kept her there right at the peak for perhaps five minutes or ten or even twenty minutes! Imagine being at the peak of orgasm that didn't stop. Imagine straining at your bonds and screaming and pleading and begging for him to stop, and imagine him being good enough and strong enough to ignore the screams and to keep that sensual "torture" going on and on, because it pleases him to hear the screams and begging him to stop but not until he chooses to, for himself.

This same principle is true of actual physical discipline, for those Master/slave relationships where true discipline is involved. Suppose that a slave could, without being bound, voluntarily withstand thirty lashes of a whip across her back. But then suppose she was bound, arms stretched high overhead, her body naked and helpless, and her Master begins her "test." And because she is proud, and because she wants to provide her Master with as much pleasure as possible, she does not actually " break" until after forty lashes, but then she begs him to stop. If he is a true Master, and if it really brings him pleasure to continue, he should not stop. Perhaps he should continue for another five lashes, or maybe even ten, depending on his pleasure, of course, but also based on the knowledge he has, through experience, of just how much his slave can really endure, not simply what her body tells her she can endure. There is a difference.

If the Master is wise and has been accurate in his assessment of his slave's true stamina, the slave will realize that she actually did endure it after all. Even more important, she will be proud that she was able to provide her Master with that additional pleasure, and the next time perhaps she won't beg until after fifty lashes.

But of course, the Master may not stop then, either!

S/M can be the most exciting form of sexual foreplay ever experienced. Every "Master/slave" relationship should be based on a profound and deeply satisfying sexual relationship. Every meeting should include (and usually conclude with) some form of sexual activity that is satisfying to both. But that, of course, is generally true of every deep male/female relationship.

So what makes this any different?

The difference lies in the submission of one and the dominance of the other. That, of course, is what your own fantasies have been based on. In effect, you say you have dreamed of " submitting" yourself to a man, allowing yourself to be rendered helpless so that he can "rape" you. And that act of submission, you say, would enhance the excitement and pleasure you would derive from the sex act. (Indeed, the truth may be that this is the only way that you would be able to derive real pleasure from sex.)

But if this is as far as you've gone in your fantasies, you may well be asking yourself, "What is all the rest about?" Why does he/she talk about prolonged sexual teasing and torture? And what about real discipline ... actual pain, even if only at a very minor threshold level? Would a Master really whip me? Could you really whip her?

I have no idea, but the simple fact is that all these things, carefully selected and based on each partner's individual reaction, can be part of what becomes a much greater and much more rewarding and much more fulfilling sexual relationship. Sex, without some form of mutual love or deep feelings, is of little meaning and that, in turn, requires each partner to try to give the other as much pleasure as possible. For a submissive, that means "giving" herself to her Master, for his pleasure. The total submission of her mind and body are her gifts to him, for him to do with as he chooses, and he takes great pleasure in that gift.

Every Master is different, of course, but in general, takes tremendous pleasure in imposing dominance and will upon a submissive female, both mentally and physically. Using both her mind and body to demonstrate power over her. Make her think and feel like she has never felt before. Forcing her to experience the furthest extremes of sensual and physical sensations. Making her beg to stop either the pleasure or the pain.

Best of all, the male should love watching her face and her expressions as she realizes that, despite her pleas, he is not going to stop, at least not right that minute. And, finally, he should love watching her recognize his dominance over her, and then watching her resign her mind and her body to accept the previously unacceptable ... all for his pleasure!

Through all of this, and governing all of this, is the overriding "love" that he should feel for her and, in turn, it is her knowledge that he does care for her deeply, and the trust that that knowledge gives her, that allows her to give him that marvelous gift of her mind and body.

But what about the submissive one? What pleasure does she get? Again each is different, but there are some common denominators. First, a "slave" must deeply trust and deeply care for her Master. She should truly want to give him pleasure. And so, for most slaves, the first pleasure is the very deep pleasure derived from the act of giving ... a very profound pleasure because the gift she gives is also profound. .... She gives herself!

Second ( although there are some exceptions), a submissive female usually derives tremendous intellectual, sensual, and ultimately, sexual pleasure from the experience, assuming, of course, that the Master is really gifted and sensitive and understanding. I assure you that I have only scratched the surface. The Master should be able to teach the slave things about herself she had never dreamed of, exposing her to sources of pleasure of a kind and a level and an intensity she had never imagined!! The Master should explore every part of her mind and body, and would ultimately discover the keys to her deepest pleasures.

It may be strictly sensual. There may be certain special parts of her body that, properly stimulated, turn on all her sexual senses. It may be just the bondage and helplessness itself, together with her ability to commit herself to it. Most submissive women derive tremendous sexual pleasure simply from being bound. (Almost all of them become lubricated and ready for sexual intercourse while in bondage.)

She may find pleasure in pain. And if she does, it may be just a certain level of pain, or pain applied just to a certain part of her body. Many submissive people derive the most intense and exquisite sexual pleasure from the forced imposition of physical discipline, even to the point of orgasm.

You should know that " discipline" doesn't mean simply the whip. (Although, indeed, that phrase simply the whip" is totally misleading. There are literally hundreds of different kinds of whips, each capable of being used in a hundred different ways, so that in just this one "simple" area, there are an infinite variety of ways available to a knowledgeable Master to impose an equally infinite variety of torments.)

But there is so much, much more .... endless means, endless targets, endless degrees. To a really imaginative and experienced Master, a marvelous and exquisite and almost limitless choice ia available. But he must also have the sensitivity and the understanding and, yes, the love, to choose the right ones.

If he does, he will be successful in fulfilling his role as a Master. He will provide pleasure for himself, of his own choosing, but he will also provide his submissive partner either extreme pleasure or total psychological fulfillment or, often, both, depending on her own special nature and needs.

Then there is the whole area of submission without bondage. A true Master, using proper training, can teach a woman to be totally submissive without putting her in bondage. If you really have accepted a man as your Master, you should want to totally obey him without being "forced"

If he orders you to strip, you will strip. If he orders you to kneel, you will kneel. If he orders you to stand before him with your legs apart and your arms stretched high above your head, and not to move, you will do as he orders. And if while you are standing there, he chooses to whip you, you still will not move. And if he orders you to count the lashes, you will count them for him.

And if he orders you to kneel, naked next to his bed while he sleeps. and to remain there, instantly ready to serve him in any way should he awake, you will kneel there, silent and naked and ready, and you will stay there. And if he does not awake until morning, you will still be there ... still kneeling .... still naked .... still ready.

But then a wise Master will order you to join him, and he will acknowledge the great pleasure your obedience has given him, and he will reward you with that special marvelous pleasure of your own that he knows so well to give you.

So what's this all about? A wonderfully elaborate, infinitely varied, terribly exciting series of scenarios, carefully and lovingly selected and orchestrated by the Master to provide both himself and his submissive partner with the most exquisite and profound emotional and sexual pleasure, each scenario based on, taking advantage of, and dramatizing the dominant nature of one and the submissive nature of the other.

It is, of course, a tremendous challenge. First, there's the challenge to the submissive to accept and endure the torment of bondage and discipline by which her chosen Master tests her and throughout which he realizes the most profound pleasure. (A weak or sniveling "slave" provides little pleasure for a Master) Of course, there are limits and, of course, they must be respected. But there will be those special times when, after being queried by her Master, the proud submissive will take as deep a breath as her chains will permit, look him in the eye, and in her own special way and words say, in effect, "I'm here for your pleasure. Please don't stop until you are totally satisfied."

That is the challenge of the body. But there is also the challenge of the mind and the spirit. After all, a man is physically stronger than a woman, so physical domination (in its rawest sense, at least) is easy.

But intellectually it's a different matter because, in an ideal S/M relationship, both partners should be equal in intellect so that the dominant and submissive roles result from conviction and choice rather than imposition. In addition to being physically dominant, a "Master"- while not intellectually superior, must also be intellectually dominant ... dominant by nature and spirit and will .... choosing to dominate while the submissive chooses to understand and appreciate and ultimately submit to that will. That is a much subtle and a far more difficult challenge.

But you need two things:

1. A Master who really knows how to lead the slave to the far most pleasures.

2. A submissive with the courage to take the first step to try it.

Whatever the case. Take your time and go sloooow! :)

Brenda Sadi

"Within the S/M subculture, different people use the words 'submissive' and 'slave' to mean many different things. When submissives say 'I want to be your slave,' sometimes they mean only that they want to be tied up and whipped. Many professional dominants routinely refer to their (usually not very genuinely submissive clients) as 'slaves.' At the other extreme, there are people who want to be full-time personal servants, and who truly want to exist solely for their Dom(me)'s use, pleasure, and convenience. And there are many shades in between these two extremes."

THE OUTRIGHT NON-SUBMISSIVE MASOCHIST or KINKY SENSUALIST. Not into servitude, humiliation or giving up control; just pain and/or spiced-up sensuality, on the masochist's own terms and for the masochist's own direct pleasure (i.e. turned on solely/mainly by one's own bodily sensations rather than by being "used" to gratify one's partner's sadism).

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Not into even playing "slave," but into other "submissive" role-playing, e.g. schoolteacher scenes, infantilism, "forced" transvestism. Usually into humiliation, but NOT into servitude, even in play. Dictates the scene to a large degree.

PSEUDO-SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Likes to play at being a slave; likes to feel subservient; may in some cases like to feel one is being "used" to gratify partner's sadism; may even really serve the dominant in some ways, but only on the "slave's" own terms. Dictates the scene to a large degree; often fetishistic (e.g. foot worshipers).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE NON-SLAVE. Really gives up control (only temporarily and within agreed-upon limits), but gets her/his main satisfaction from aspects of submission other than serving or being used by the dominant. Usually turned on by suspense, vulnerability, and/or giving up responsibility. Doesn't dictate the scene except in very general terms, but still seek mainly her/his own direct pleasure (rather than getting one's pleasure mainly from pleasing the dominant).

TRUE SUBMISSIVE PLAY SLAVE. Really gives up control (though only temporarily; only during brief "scenes" and within limits) and gets main satisfaction from serving/being used by dominant, but only for FUN purposes, usually erotic. May not be into pain. If so, is turned on by pain indirectly, i.e. enjoys being the object of one's partner's sadism, on which the submissive places very few requirements or restrictions.

UNCOMMITTED SHORT-TERM BUT MORE THAN PLAY SEMI-SLAVE. Really gives up control (usually within limits); wants to serve and be used by the dominant; wants to provide practical/nonerotic as well as fun/erotic services; but only when the "slave" is in the mood. May even act as a full-time slave for, say, several days at a time, but is free to quit at any time (or at the end of the agreed-upon several days). May or may not have a long-term relationship with one's Mistress, but, either way, the "slave" has the final say over when she will serve.

PART-TIME CONSENSUAL-BUT REAL SLAVE. Has an ongoing commitment to an owner/slave relationship and regards oneself as the property of the dominant at all times. Wants to obey and please dom(me) in all aspects of life-practical/nonerotic and fun/erotic. Devotes most of the time to other commitments (e.g. job) but Dom(me) has first pick of the slave's free time.

FULL-TIME LIVE IN CONSENSUAL SLAVE. Within no more than a few broad limits/requirements, the slave regards herself/himself as existing solely for the Dom(me)'s pleasure/well being. Slave in turn expects to be regarded as a prized possession. Not much different from the situation of the traditional housewife, except that within the S/M world the slave's position is more likely to be fully consensual, especially if the slave is male. Within the S/M world, a full time "slave" arrangement is entered into with an explicit awareness of the magnitude carefully, with more awareness of the magnitude of power that is being given up, and hence is usually entered into much more carefully, with more awareness of the possible dangers, and with much clearer and more specific agreements than usually precede the traditional marriage.

CONSENSUAL TOTAL SLAVE WITH NO LIMITS. A common fantasy ideal that probably doesn't exist in real life (except in authoritarian religious cults and other situations where the "consent" is induced by brainwashing and/or social or economic pressures and hence isn't fully consensual). A few S/M purists will insist that you aren't really a slave unless you're willing to do absolutely anything for your Dom(me), with no limits at all. I've met a few people who claimed to be no-limit slaves, but in all cases, I have reason to doubt the claim.

The above list isn't intended as a rigid classification. Most submissives don't fall neatly into one of these categories; there are still further shades in between. (For example, a live-in slave with an outside paying job would be category 7 1/2. Also the same submissive may attain different degrees of submission with different Dom(me)s. The list is intended simply to show the wide range of different possible meanings of the words "submissive" and "slave."

In the S/M subculture, the majority of "submissives" seek scenes in categories 1-3, whereas most of the Dom(mes) I know (including myself) seek slaves in categories 6-7. If you're a submissive in categories 1-3, you are probably best off seeking a relationship not with a Dom(me) but with a fellow "sub," or with a switchable person into both roles. The two can take turns acting out each other's "submissive" or masochistic fantasies.

When a submissive tells a dominant, "I want to be your slave," it is often hard to tell exactly what is meant. Lots of people fantasize about a much greater degree of submission than they are able or willing to attain in real life, and lots of "slaves," especially inexperienced ones, overestimate their own desire for real-life servitude. A dominant must carefully find out how far the "slave" really wants to go.

BDSM Learning Center

24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL): Adult babies receive gratification from role-playing an infant (this is known as paraphilic infantilism, a form of ageplay). This can involve submission on the adult baby's part, often to a designated "caregiver", e.g. a daddy dom.

Diaper lovers receive gratification from the wearing and often using diapers. Whilst these two paraphilias are distinct, it is common that a person who enjoys one will also enjoy the other to some degree.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop (See Drop below) as these return to more everyday levels.

In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted, such as applying baby oil to areas that were struck during play.

Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not.

"Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of stubbing your toe. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.

Bastinado: The act of whipping the sub's feet, usually the sub would be tied up to restrict movement as the torture is being inflicted; part of impact play.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however, it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.

Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.

Breast torture: Torture of the female breasts.

Breath control play: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate. Sometimes used in Petplay, with a tail attached.

Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Cock and ball torture (CBT): Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.

Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant and submissive. It can be either formal or non and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules, and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

DDLG: Daddy Dom/Little Girl, a subset of Dominance and submission. The name of this lifestyle refers to the nurturing relationship between parent/child or teacher/student but does not imply that ageplay is involved.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).

Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.

Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.

Drop A feeling of deflation or slight depression that comes after a kinky scene, party, convention, or conference. Usually caused by the removal of positive stimuli and the endorphins they produce either from play or being surrounded by others within the kinky community. It can happen to kinksters of any role.

D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.

Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally.
Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay.

However, there are a few forms of play that almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.

Sometimes used in reference to erotic sexual denial. (see also chastity).
Electro-Play: The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub.

But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that sub drop does not occur afterward as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).

Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Figging: Insertion of a piece of peeled ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Financial Domination:(also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish, in a particular practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money mistress, findomme, money domme or cash master).

Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat.

Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it is closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which are considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color is worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to "soft limits").

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.

Hogtie: To tie up a submissive's wrists and ankles, fastening them together
behind their back using physical restraints such as rope or cuffs.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with the impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role-playing.

K-9 roleplay: Animal roleplay where the animal being roleplayed is a dog.

Kinbaku: Also known as Shibari which literally means "the beauty of tight binding".

Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits), or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit.

An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (a scene or perhaps a weekend.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.

MDLB: Mommy Domme/Little Boy, the female-led version of DDLG, a subset of Dominance and submission. While this lifestyle may or may not involve ageplay, the name refers to the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important.

Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Pegging: A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.

Pussy torture: Torture of the female genitals for sexual gratification.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape fantasy, ravishment: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Rhaphanidosis: Insertion of a piece a radish into the anus.

Rope-bondage: Way to tie someone with ropes. Comes from Japanese kinbaku-bi.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, sane, and consensual – (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink).

Safeword – A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes that may involve consensual force.

Scat play: Feces play.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flagellation, and edgeplay.

Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.

Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).

Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.

Sub drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

Submissive, or "sub" for short: Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave").

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate.

It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well being if they are in subspace. Long-term dominance and submission relationships without impact play may alternatively define subspace as 'a mental state where the submissive feels a deep emotional resonance or connection with the dom'.

Switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.

Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity.

Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM typically ages 18–35.

Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together".

A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total Power Exchange: A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.

Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behavior which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Warm-up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.

WIITWD: What It Is That We Do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.

Some people in the BDSM community begin dominant terms with an upper case, for example, Top, Master, Dom, Domme, etc., as well as to begin submissive terms with a lower case, even were normally incorrect, chiefly in acronyms and abbreviations, such as D/s for Dom/sub. Some extend this to honorifics and capitalization: for example, Master Rob's slave linda may refer to him as Sir and herself as i (or as "this slave", restricted from referring to themselves in the first person). Others are highly dismissive of this "slashy speak."

In addition, high protocol refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed. Old Guard now usually refers to high protocol groups, particularly gay leather BDSM groups; people who use this phrase may be romanticizing a perception of leather history.

From Wikipedia,