How To Be A Dom

I have been in the lifestyle for over forty years, and never have I seen such blatant topping from the bottom as I do now. Are you a sub or not? If you are going to demand a Dom be this or that without negotiation, then who is leading whom? I, too, have my preferences, but I respect your opinion as a sub, so we sit and negotiate. I feel women have lost respect for Doms to the point that they no longer ask but tell them what to do. Sorry, but not sorry, I am not the one; you come into my life, you ask, we negotiate, we agree or not.

There is the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on the way out. I love my Lifestyle, and I hate that we have all these perpetrators pretending to be Doms, allowing subs to top so they can get the pussy. NO, NO, NO sex is the bonus, not the prize if you want this dick, earn it, your choice. I will accept and collar those who prove to be worthy. As I said, I'm old school: be real or be gone.

Bondage represents the B in BDSM, which comprises three separate but combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. Some may also refer to it as a kink — an umbrella term to commonly describe sexual practices that may fall outside normative societal standards.

Bondage sex is a consensual activity that involves using physical restraints to restrict a partner’s freedom of movement. It is a perfectly healthy and respectful form of sexual activity, which separates it from sexual and domestic abuse.

It falls under the umbrella of power play, where one partner takes on a more dominant role during sex while the other assumes a submissive role. Although this assumes a hierarchy of power, it is better to characterize bondage sex as an open dialogue to negotiate behaviors and achieve mutual enjoyment from physical and psychological stimulation.

What is bondage sex?

Bondage sex is a form of consensual and recreational sex play that involves tying, restraining, or binding a person with rope, handcuffs, or other items that can restrict movement. Beyond the restraint, bondage sex also involves a consensual power dynamic between a dominant and submissive partner.

1 in 5 Americans has engaged in bondage play, and interest in BDSM is present in most of the general population. Despite its prevalence, bondage remains a stigmatizing topic — historically, people have viewed this practice as subversive, taboo, and an indication of being psychologically unwell.

However, there has been a shift in the narrative in recent years, and many experts now view consensual BDSM activities as a relatively common and healthy form of intimacy.

Why do people enjoy bondage sex?

People may find bondage sex erotic and arousing, both physically and psychologically.
BDSM interactions are complex, and several psychological, social, and biological processes can influence this sexual behavior.

It allows people to assert dominance by giving them total control and power over the situation.
Many practitioners find the giving, taking, and exchanging of power to be sexually arousing.

Playing with the exchange of power via physical restraint is one of the most common reasons people engage in bondage practices. Others note that they may compare bondage to an eroticized way of practicing mindfulness, similar to meditation or other general leisure activities, as it allows them to relax and practice a form of focused attention.

The brain’s pain and reward systems can influence why people enjoy BDSM. As pleasure and pain may activate the same part of the brain, engaging in these practices may help to enhance pleasure.

Potential benefits of bondage sex

The benefits of bondage sex vary for different people. Some people feel it:

Enhances pleasure

Evidence suggests that participating in BDSM leads to an altered state of consciousness called subspace. People describe it as a floaty, high state that submissives and receivers experience during and after the play.

Additionally, using restraints may produce a feeling of sensory deprivation. This may help increase a person’s excitement and enhance the sensation of the remaining senses, which can heighten pleasure.

Builds deeper connections

Bondage sex can encourage couples to explore their desires and fantasies. Bondage sex hinges on trust and security. This sense of vulnerability that comes with giving up control may help develop trust and closeness among partners. Practicing bondage may also improve communication skills, including negotiation and assertiveness.

Heals relationships

BDSM may offer a safe space for people healing from trauma, PTSD, and abuse. Moreover, therapists may use practices such as bondage as a tool to help couples work on power dynamics. This may help couples experience relinquishing and assuming control in the bedroom before they do in other parts of their relationship.

Improves sexual and mental health

Engaging in consensual BDSM can reduce psychological stress.
Subspace may reduce physical and emotional stress among the receiving partners.

Possible risks of bondage sex

People practicing bondage sex may be at risk of physical injuries. In a 2016 study, more than 70% of participants reported at least one accident from performing a BDSM practice, with hematoma being the most common injury. The study adds that injuries are more common in those who use drugs while performing BDSM sex.

Strangulation is the most common cause of death, and drugs or alcohol were involved in 64% of fatal BDSM cases.

Consent is critical within the BDSM community to ensure physical and emotional safety among practitioners. This is known as Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) in BDSM communities.

Sexual partners need to explicitly give their consent, clearly define their boundaries, and negotiate and discuss what they are willing to do and what is out of bounds. All parties must also agree on a safeword, which refers to a word or signal that can instantly stop the sex act. People should also consider staying sober while performing bondage sex to ensure the safety of those involved.

How to perform bondage sex

Below are tips and techniques that may be helpful for people considering bondage sex.

Have enough preparation

The portrayal of BDSM in the media is often inaccurate and sometimes too extreme. A person planning to engage in bondage sex at home should consider attending a class, reading books, or checking out informational videos online beforehand.

Always ensure safety

Beginners should try bondage with a person they trust and never perform it with a stranger. A person must check in on their partner’s physical and emotional safety. This may include asking if they are comfortable or developing a non-verbal cue, such as a light tap, to communicate pleasure.

A person must never be left alone while tied up.

Set ground rules and boundaries

To engage in safe and healthy bondage sex, all parties should discuss and negotiate each other’s boundaries and roles and note any off-limits activities. All participants should give mutual consent on what they find comfortable and confident experimenting during the session.

Agree on a safeword

Trust, security, and mutual consent are the pillars of bondage play. However, things can quickly escalate, and it may be difficult to recognize if the other person is teasing or honestly requesting to stop the play. A safeword is any phrase or action that immediately signals that sex play needs to stop. It can help ensure that the sexual activity remains safe, pleasurable, and consensual.

Be familiar with restraints

A person must know how to get their partner out of restraints before using them. Individuals can keep a pair of safety shears or handcuff keys within their reach, especially when trying more difficult bondage positions.

People should take appropriate precautions when tying restraints. Ensure they are not too tight to allow for proper circulation and never use restraints near the neck, as this may cause asphyxiation.

Take it easy

The sensory deprivation that comes with using bondage can be unsettling for beginners. Couples can begin by restraining one area, such as the wrists, then slowly easing into more advanced restraints based on their confidence and comfort.

Add toys, props, and costumes

People may wish to enhance the experience with the help of costumes, toys, and props. Allowing the imagination to run wild can also add excitement and pleasure.

Have an aftercare Plan

Aftercare refers to the time that people take after engaging in bondage sex to check on a person’s emotional and physical needs. Certain sex acts can be physically and psychologically taxing, so it can be beneficial to take time to discuss the sex acts and provide reassurance.

Bondage sex refers to the practice of consensual restraint during sex play. It falls under the broad spectrum of BDSM and involves a power dynamic, where an individual relinquishes control and consensually allows another person to tie them up.

Many people enjoy the exchange of power during this sexual activity, and evidence suggests it can be beneficial for physical, mental, and relationship health. However, the act does come with risks and requires preparation and communication to perform safely and allow all parties to enjoy the practice.

So why are you not contacting me already? It's all in hot fun, and I get to spank that tight ass of yours, Lol.

What's the Difference?

Definition:

When discussing the attributes of a slave and a submissive, it is important to first understand the definitions of each term. A slave is typically someone who is considered to be owned by another person, with little to no autonomy or freedom. They are expected to obey their master or mistress without question. On the other hand, a submissive is someone who willingly gives up control to another person in a consensual power dynamic. They may have boundaries and limits that are respected by their dominant partner.

Power Dynamics

One key difference between a slave and a submissive is the power dynamic in their relationship. A slave is often seen as having no power or agency, with their master or mistress making all decisions for them. This can include everything from what they wear to what they eat. In contrast, a submissive may have more agency and control over their own life, with the ability to negotiate their boundaries and limits with their dominant partner.

Consent

Consent is a crucial aspect of any BDSM relationship, whether it involves a slave or a submissive. While a slave may be expected to obey their master or mistress without question, it is still important for all parties to have given informed consent to the power dynamic. This means that the slave has agreed to give up their autonomy and follow the orders of their dominant partner. Similarly, a submissive must also give their consent to the power dynamic, with the ability to revoke it at any time if they feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Roles and Responsibilities

In a BDSM relationship involving a slave, the roles and responsibilities are often more rigidly defined. The slave is expected to serve their master or mistress in a variety of ways, which may include household chores, sexual acts, or other tasks. The master or mistress holds the power in the relationship and dictates what the slave must do. On the other hand, in a relationship with a submissive, the roles and responsibilities may be more fluid. The submissive may have more input into what activities they engage in and how they serve their dominant partner.

Communication

Communication is key in any BDSM relationship, regardless of whether it involves a slave or a submissive. Both parties must be able to openly discuss their desires, boundaries, and limits. This is especially important for a submissive, who may have more agency in the relationship and the ability to negotiate what they are comfortable with. A slave may have less ability to communicate their needs, as they are expected to obey their master or mistress without question. However, it is still important for all parties to have a clear understanding of each other's expectations and boundaries.

Training and Discipline

In a relationship with a slave, training and discipline are often used to reinforce the power dynamic and ensure obedience. The master or mistress may use punishments or rewards to shape the behavior of the slave and ensure they follow orders. This can include physical punishments, such as spanking or bondage, or psychological punishments, such as humiliation or denial. In contrast, a submissive may also engage in training and discipline, but it is typically done in a more consensual and negotiated manner. The submissive may have more input into what punishments or rewards they receive and may have the ability to negotiate their limits.

Freedom and Autonomy

One of the key differences between a slave and a submissive is the level of freedom and autonomy they have in the relationship. A slave is often seen as having little to no freedom, with their master or mistress making all decisions for them. They may have limited ability to make choices for themselves and are expected to obey without question. In contrast, a submissive may have more freedom and autonomy, with the ability to negotiate their boundaries and limits with their dominant partner. They may have more control over their own life and the activities they engage in.

Conclusion

While both slaves and submissives engage in consensual power dynamics within BDSM relationships, there are key differences in their attributes. A slave is typically seen as having less autonomy and freedom, with their master or mistress making all decisions for them. In contrast, a submissive may have more agency and control over their own life, with the ability to negotiate their boundaries and limits with their dominant partner. Communication, consent, and understanding of roles and responsibilities are crucial in both types of relationships to ensure a safe and fulfilling experience for all parties involved.

WHAT IS IMPACT PLAY?

Impact play is a broad category of BDSM activities that involve striking or hitting the body with a variety of implements. Some of the most common implements used in impact play include floggers, whips, canes, paddles, and hands; however, many other types of toys and tools can also be used. If you are looking for a highly erotic and exciting way to explore power dynamics, push boundaries, and achieve intense physical sensations, then impact play is your best bet!

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF IMPACT PLAY:

If you are not into BDSM, you might wonder, 'Why'd I let anyone hit me?!' People who are unfamiliar with BDSM wonder why anyone would derive pleasure from being hit or hitting someone else. For a lot of people, the act of giving or receiving pain can be cathartic, liberating, or even meditative.

Some people engage in impact play for the endorphin rush. When the body experiences pain or intense sensations, it releases endorphins, which are natural painkillers. These chemicals can produce a euphoria similar to the "runner's high" some people experience after exercise.

Also, the need to explore power dynamics is one reason people engage in impact play. Impact play in BDSM often involves a dominant partner and a submissive partner. The act of striking and being struck is a way of manifesting the power dynamics in a kinky relationship.

For some others, impact play is a way to process emotions, release stress, or even confront past traumas in a controlled environment.

SOME SUBS SAY:

"Impact play brings me into my own body so viscerally, which allows me to access some of those bodily feelings. It's similar to when I get a massage or dry needling - I'm so focused on bodily sensations that after, I feel very tender and vulnerable and can release some things I didn't even know I was holding onto because my mind can't as easily get in the way. I agree about it being closer to someone - for me, that's often a very vulnerable space I access when doing impact, depending on how much I do. The aftercare and drop, in particular, bring me closer to the person I did impact with, them being there for me and caring for me when I am in such a vulnerable, open space".

STIGMA AND MISCONCEPTIONS OF IMPACT PLAY:

Due to societal misconceptions, there is a stigma attached to BDSM and, by extension, impact play. Many people misconstrue it to be abusive. Others believe that participants must have some form of past trauma. However, research has shown that most BDSM practitioners often have stable mental health and only engage in these activities as a form of expressive play, exploration, and intimacy with their partners.

TOOLS FOR IMPACT PLAY:

Many different types of toys and tools can be used for impact play. Each toy or tool provides a unique sensation. Here are a few of the most common:

1. FLOGGERS
A flogger is a tool made of a handle with several tails or strands attached to it. The tails can be made of a variety of materials, including leather, rubber, and silicone. Floggers are often used for sensual or teasing impact play, as well as more intense impact scenes. Floggers generally produce a thuddy sensation, but the intensity can vary based on the weight and material.

2. PADDLES
A paddle is a flat piece of material used for striking the body. Paddles can be used for a range of impact play scenes, from light and playful to more intense and punishing. These can be made from various materials such as wood, leather, or plastic. Depending on their design and material, paddles can produce a thuddy or stingy sensation. E-stim enthusiast? You would love this Modern Electro Paddle.

3. CANES
A cane is a long, thin implement made of materials such as bamboo, rattan, or fiberglass. Canes can be used for both sensual and more intense impact scenes, and are often associated with BDSM roleplay scenarios such as school discipline. They deliver a sharp, stingy sensation. They require skill and precision, as they can easily break the skin if not used correctly.

4. WHIPS
A whip is a tool made of a long, flexible material, such as leather or rubber, with a handle on one end. Whips can be used for a variety of impact play scenes, including sensual teasing and more intense "punishment" scenes. They vary in length and require considerable skill to use safely. They produce a sharp sting and can be potentially dangerous if misused.

5. HANDS
Probably the most accessible tool, a hand can provide a broad range of sensations from a soft pat to a stinging slap. Using your own hands to spank or strike your partner can be a simple and intimate form of impact play. However, confirm the amount of force your partner is comfortable with and act accordingly. These are just some of the variety of tools for impact play.

Take a look at a few popular techniques for impact play.

- Sensual teasing:

This involves using lighter implements, such as floggers or hands, to lightly stroke and tickle the body in a teasing, sensual way.

- Impact building:

This involves gradually increasing the intensity of impact play over time, starting with lighter implements and working up to more intense ones.

- Thuddy impact:

Thuddy impact involves using heavier or thicker implements, such as paddles or canes, to create a deeper, more intense sensation.

- Stingy impact:

Stingy impact involves using lighter or thinner implements, such as whips or thin canes, to create a sharper, more stinging sensation.

SAFETY MEASURES:

As with any BDSM activity, you're not doing it right if you're not taking safety precautions. Here are a few key safety measures to keep in mind;

- Communication:

It is important to have clear and ongoing communication with your partner before, during, and after impact play BDSM scenes. Make sure you both understand each other's limits, desires, fears, potential triggers, and comfort levels, and be willing to pause or stop the scene at any time if needed. Regular check-ins during the session can also help keep things enjoyable and safe for everyone involved. Make sure you enjoy the experience.

- Consent:

Both (or all) participants must give informed, willing, and continuous consent throughout the play session. Consent should be ongoing and can be withdrawn at any time.

- Safe words:

Choose a safe word or signal to use if either partner needs to stop the scene immediately. Make sure both partners understand and agree on the safe word before starting the scene. This ensures that both partners can communicate their boundaries effectively.

- Body awareness:

It's important for both partners to be aware of each other's bodies and to avoid striking vulnerable areas, such as the neck, spine, or kidneys. Be especially cautious when using heavier implements or striking harder.

- Warm-up and aftercare:

Before starting a scene, ensure to warm up the body and prepare the skin and muscles for impact. Before getting into intense strikes, we recommend starting with lighter hits to prepare the body and mind. After an impact play BDSM scene, make sure to provide plenty of aftercare, which could include soothing and comforting the body, cuddling, talking, applying first aid if necessary, and providing emotional support to help both partners come down from the intensity of the scene. Aftercare ensures both partners are emotionally and physically okay. Understanding BDSM limits is crucial for safe play. Learn more about hard and soft limits here.

- Avoiding Danger Zones:

Some areas of the body are unsafe to strike, such as the kidneys, spine, and neck. Avoid any sort of impact or blow to that area.

CONCLUSION:

Impact play, like other forms of BDSM, is a multifaceted practice that appeals to a broad range of individuals for various reasons. As with any kink or fetish, the key elements are consent, communication, and safety. When practiced responsibly, impact play can be a deeply satisfying and connecting experience for those involved. Make sure you feel good, enjoy, and have fun.

You want him to be everything that you have been dreaming of. You want him to be handsome, smart, hard-working, good, and gentle, and a man with a heart. You definitely may want a Dom who will play with others and share your bed every night, or maybe you do your choice, to join or not, you're Bi, and welcome to share the pussy, gangbang, or orgy depending on our mood.

So, what are the qualities that a good partner has to have? If you weren’t sure about them, I am bringing you some of the most common characteristics of partner material. Does your partner have any of these?

1. I often say I love you, If You're the one
If your partner often says that he loves you, it means that he really does. In that way, he is just showing his enormous love for you and wants you to know that you are the apple of his eye and that he is lucky to have you. Every woman likes to hear these words, so if you are one of them, you can consider yourself fortunate because you hit the jackpot relationship by choosing me as your Dom.

2. I am your support
When a life partner supports you in your life decisions, it means that he really cares about you and that he loves you. He wants to be your best friend, ready to give you a piece of advice when needed. You won’t have to tell him that you feel bad because he will know you so well that he will already see that by himself. He will always be there for you in your moments of sorrow and to give you a kind word of support when you need it. And spank your ass when it's called for.

3. I will listen to you
And when I say listen, I mean I will really listen to you. I won’t just nod my head as a sign of approval, but I will listen to what you have to say and give you the best advice ever. A man like this is someone you can trust to tell me what bothers you. I will definitely try to find the best solutions to your problems and try to make you as happy as I can. Trust me, a man like me is really a keeper!

4. I will treat you like you deserve
If your partner treats you like a real sub/slut then you can consider yourself lucky. Just imagine how many toxic and narcissistic partners are out there, but you were so damn fortunate to stumble upon the world’s best partner, me. If I give you all that you need, make sure that I also feel loved. In that way, you will make a perfect relationship together, and no one will be able to threaten you. Remember, nothing that is real can be threatened. But it can be shared and enjoyed by more than one.

5. I think you are attractive
If your partner thinks that you are attractive (with or without those extra 10 pounds), you hit the jackpot relationship when you chose him. It means that he is aware of the fact that people change, but that doesn’t mean that he will stop loving you when you get old and when there are wrinkles on your face. A Dom like this should be loved and respected because he is rare nowadays.

6. I push you to become the best version of yourself
If he cares about your career and your dreams, it means that he really loves you. He wants the best for you, and he won’t stop until you reach your ultimate goals. He wants you to feel useful, so he pushes you forward because he knows that you can do well. He thinks that you are clever and capable enough to make the changes that really matter. Be the sub he needs.

7. He wears his heart on his sleeve
When a Dom shows his real emotions, it means that he really loves you. If he is ready to be exposed in front of you, showing his real face, that is a sign of his enormous love for you. He is not afraid to be vulnerable in front of you because he knows that you won’t hurt him. He trusts you enough to let you into his life and permit you to know his darkest secrets.
He asks you for advice.

8. When a Dom is in love with a woman, her input will be extremely important to him. No matter whether he just needs advice about some clothes or he wants advice about something that is more important, he will ask her opinion. That is a sign that he loves her and that he respects her enough to let her be a part of his life. In case you have a Dom like this, you can consider yourself lucky, so don’t let your Dom get away.

9. I want you to have a good time with me
If your man is trying to make you smile every day, it means that you are important to him. He wants you to feel good in your own skin, so he will dedicate his free time to taking you out for lunch and telling you a couple of funny jokes so you can smile. By doing so, he just wants to show you that he is in love with you and that he likes spending time with you. He may have you go without panties so he can finger fuck under the table.

10. I am loyal
If your Dom is loyal to the agreed-upon Ds relationship, the two of you are already halfway to success. Being loyal is something that you need to be if you want your relationship to last, and you know that sometimes guys get into temptation because they are surrounded by so many beautiful women. If he chooses you, among all those women, it means that you are the only one in his heart and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But as a true Dom, I might want more, but you're Bi, so we can share.

Dominance and submission are the general containers for almost all kinks,

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. — can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The keyword here is "consent." Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. "Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure that the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Grey, but not shit.

A caretaking scene: The Dom "takes care" of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.

A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a "brat" and purposely "disobeys" the Dom to receive punishments.

A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

The paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. "A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice. Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who's boss in a safe way."

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink are all about negotiation. "The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent," Chiaramonte says. "This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic."

You should be "sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions. It is also important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries." When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say "no" when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first.

While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

These are things a real Dom knows and believes in. My job is to keep you safe and cared for, and if I own you, loved as well. Master Steel 13

Collars can have a multitude of meanings in a D/s relationship. They can show ownership, devotion, or subservience, and can be as meaningful as a wedding ring. They can be essential for some kinds of BDSM lifestyles, or just add spice to an already fun, kinky session.

But what about wearing a collar outside of a relationship? Because of these relationships and partner-status contexts, many people feel discouraged from wearing a collar just for themselves.

Some in the lifestyle may ask, “What if I don’t have a Master/Mistress right now? Can I still wear a collar?” The answer is that someone who’s rocking their singlehood can definitely wear one, though many people are dispirited by the connotations of their relationship status to sport their own. Some potential wearers might feel like it needs to be gifted to them, or else it wouldn’t be a “real” collar.

In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, a collar is a powerful symbol of commitment, trust, and ownership.

The collar is a physical representation of the bond between a Dominant and a submissive, and it serves as a reminder of the roles and responsibilities each partner has in the relationship.

The symbolism – Collars send a message to others about what kind of kink or lifestyle you’re into. Different collars have different meanings to different groups, and can explain better than words what kind of roles or plays you’re willing to take part in.

The collar is more than just a symbol of ownership; it is also a powerful tool for communication in a D/s relationship. Through the wearing of a collar, a submissive can non-verbally communicate their willingness to follow the Dominant's lead. This communication can be important in scenes or play sessions where verbal communication may be difficult or disruptive to the mood.

Additionally, the collar can also be used to indicate a need for attention or assistance. For example, if a submissive is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, they may tug on their collar to signal to their Dominant that they need some reassurance or support. This form of communication can be especially important in high-stress or emotionally charged situations.

The collar can also serve as a reminder of the rules and boundaries that have been established in the relationship. This can be particularly useful if a submissive has a tendency to push boundaries or forgets the agreed-upon rules. The collar can act as a visual cue to remind the submissive of their commitments and responsibilities within the relationship.

It can also be a source of comfort and security for both partners. For the submissive, it provides a sense of safety and protection, knowing that they are under the care and guidance of their Dominant. For the Dominant, it provides a sense of pride and ownership, knowing that they have the trust and devotion of their submissive.

Beyond its symbolic significance, the collar also serves a practical purpose in a D/s relationship. It can be used to communicate non-verbally, signaling the submissive's willingness to follow the Dominant's lead, or to indicate a need for attention or assistance. Additionally, the collar can be used to establish boundaries and reinforce rules, ensuring that the relationship remains safe and healthy for both partners.

The collar can take many different forms, from a simple leather band to an elaborate piece of jewelry. Some collars may be worn only during scenes or play sessions, while others may be worn all the time. The choice of collar and the way it is worn will depend on the preferences of the Dominant and the submissive, as well as the dynamics of their relationship.

It is important to note that the use of a collar in a D/s relationship is consensual and should always be negotiated between the Dominant and the submissive. The submissive should have a clear understanding of what wearing the collar signifies, and should feel comfortable with the idea before agreeing to it.

In conclusion, the collar plays a crucial role in BDSM relationships, serving as a powerful symbol of commitment, trust, and ownership. It is a tangible expression of the connection between Dominant and submissive, and it helps to establish boundaries and reinforce rules. Additionally, the collar can act as a tool for communication, providing non-verbal cues and signals that strengthen the bond between partners. Ultimately, the collar is a key element of the BDSM lifestyle, and its importance cannot be overstated in building safe, healthy, and fulfilling relationships between Dominant and submissive partners.

In my opinion, collars must be earned. But that is just me, I think. Everything should be earned on both sides.

Aftercare ensures attention to a partner's needs following an intimate encounter.

1. Aftercare in BDSM involves caring for the needs of a partner after a kinky encounter.

2. Aftercare is a component of consent, and lack of aftercare is identified as an indicator of consent violations.

3. Sexual regret is increased after an encounter where a partner doesn't follow up in a kind, caring way.

In the world of kink and BDSM (a compound acronym describing practices of bondage, discipline, submission, sadomasochism, and other related power-exchange activities), aftercare is an intentional part of engaging in a consensual “scene” with a partner.

Aftercare is generally negotiated in advance of the activity, with the submissive partner identifying to the person taking on a dominant role exactly the kinds of caregiving, nurturing, or cuddling the submissive person needs after the mutual activity, in order “to come down.”

So, the one partner might describe, “After the scene, I’m usually almost nonverbal, unable to talk clearly, so I need you to just hold me, tell me I did good, and not expect me to do anything requiring thinking for at least an hour.”

Aftercare is a practice that evolved in the intense world of BDSM to center the experience on the person taking a bottom, or submissive role, and to ensure that the entire arc of the experience is intentionally crafted to ensure a positive experience.

Because such behaviors can often involve extremely elevated feelings such as fear, lack of control, and pain, effective aftercare is taught as a process to assist a partner with re-establishing a sense of calm, peace, and safety. Aftercare can be a time to discuss what aspects of the encounter were pleasurable, and to identify any miscommunications or missed opportunities.

In sexual communication educational strategies, sexual partners are encouraged to discuss their desired forms of aftercare prior to engaging in sexual behaviors. Aftercare is intended to facilitate a positive, consensual sexual encounter, from start to finish. Engaging in aftercare serves as a sign of compliance and follow-through with previously established boundaries, maintenance of consent, and positive regard for a partner’s well-being.

Interestingly, aftercare appears to do something else as well, cementing a foundation of consent regarding the experience, from start to finish. A lack of aftercare is not clearly linked to feelings of sexual regret, though in the BDSM community, it is noteworthy that a lack of aftercare is frequently identified as a component of nonconsensual behaviors that may occur within BDSM.

1. In a study of nonconsensual experiences in the alternative sexualities’ community, a lack of aftercare was one of the components that people identified as an indicator that the experience had been nonconsensual. In other words, failing to attend to a partner's needs before, during, and after the experience may be viewed as a sign that there had been a lack of full consent by BDSM practitioners.

Pitagora described aftercare as an integrated component of consent: “The concept of aftercare might be seen as integrated within the overarching theme of consent, which includes negotiation, the designation of a safeword, and a collaborative return to a baseline cognitive and emotional state.”

2. Aftercare is not a commonly discussed element of sexual education, outside the BDSM community. However, sexual regret following casual sex encounters may be influenced by one partner realizing “they did not want the same thing as their partner.” Such differences suggest inadequate discussions of consent and relationship negotiation play a part in developing feelings of sexual regret.

3. Other research finds that when sexual relationships include higher levels of gratitude toward one’s partner, the relationships tend to be more sexually positive, with higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Thus, the opposite is true: Relationships devoid of gratitude and interpersonal communing post-sex are more likely to experience distress and discord.

4. Campbell studied the affective reactions of men and women, following one-night stands. A noted factor among women was strong reactions toward a partner’s behaviors (or lack of behaviors) following a one-time sexual encounter. Specifically, a great number of women reported they felt “used” after the sexual encounter, when the partner did not talk to her afterward, did not contact her or call her afterward, ignored or “ghosted” her, or did not contact her simply to say, “Thank you for a wonderful experience.” Women who reported such experiences were highly likely to report feelings of regret for the sexual encounter.

5. Sexual regret is a concept closely linked to allegations of sexual assault, as feelings of regret contribute to questions of whether or not a sexual encounter had been fully consensual. Sadly, feelings of regret are also common when alcohol is involved, and the presence of alcohol affects the abilities of partners to negotiate their sexual boundaries or identify their post-encounter needs. DeJong found that when people’s motives for casual sex or hooking up were clear, conscious, and congruent, there were lower levels of sexual regret and decreased dissatisfaction following a sexual encounter.

6. In other words, both partners were clear with themselves and each other about what they were looking for, during and after the experience, they were less likely to regret the experience. How could such congruence be achieved? Through a thoughtful discussion about motives and needs, before the experience, and with attention to those needs following the sexual encounter. In other words, through a discussion of aftercare.

In the forensic world, several cases involving one-night sexual encounters that were later reported as nonconsensual sexual assault. These cases are often complex, where one partner reports believing the encounter was consensual, while the other partner later describes that they felt pressured, used, or exploited. The celebrity Aziz Ansari's case is, unfortunately, a good example of this.

Applying the construct of aftercare to casual sex/hooking-up may reduce such differences of opinion by ensuring greater levels of agreement about needs before, during, and after the sex. A person is far less likely to feel exploited or that their consent was violated when a partner discusses their needs and follows through after the experience in a way that demonstrates care and regard for their well-being.

In other words, let’s make aftercare a part of every intimate encounter, kinky or not, sexual or not, casual or not. It shows our caring for the needs of our partners, which just makes good sense, and even better sex.

A Service submissive is someone who finds pleasure in performing acts of service for their dominant.

In BDSM, there exists a distinct category of submissives known as "service submissives" or "service subs." These individuals derive immense satisfaction and fulfilment from performing acts of service and devotion for their Dominant partners.
 

This unique dynamic, though lesser-known than other BDSM roles, plays a crucial role in power exchange relationships within the community.
 

Understanding the Service Submissive Role:
 

A service submissive, often abbreviated as "service sub," is an individual who finds pleasure, gratification, and a sense of purpose by fulfilling tasks and responsibilities for their Dominant partner.
 

Unlike some other forms of submission in BDSM, where the focus might be on physical pain or psychological dominance, service submissives derive joy from offering practical assistance, anticipating needs, and performing acts of care and devotion. This can manifest in a myriad of ways, ranging from cooking and cleaning to running errands or providing massages.
 

Choosing the Path of Service:
 

Service subs choose this path for various reasons, each unique to their desires and motivations.
  

For some, the act of service itself is a form of self-expression and love, allowing them to communicate their affection and dedication tangibly.
 

Positives of Being a Service Sub:
 

Fulfilment and Purpose:
 

Service subs often experience a deep sense of fulfilment and purpose by tending to the needs of their Dominant partners. This can lead to increased self-esteem and a strong sense of contribution.
 

Communication and Intimacy:
 

Acts of service can serve as a powerful form of non-verbal communication and intimacy between partners. The act of catering to another's needs can strengthen emotional bonds and connection.
 

Personal Growth:
 

Engaging in a service-oriented dynamic can facilitate personal growth and development. Service subs learn valuable skills, enhance their problem-solving abilities, and refine their communication skills.

This can be carried over into their professional work life as well, as their Dom motivates them to seek more and better positions. Become more self-efficient in the workplace.

A Dom has to guide you to do better, be better, serve better. What this means depends on your individual Dom-sub dynamic, but as always, communication is the key to making you the best you can be.
 

Negatives of Being a Service Sub:
 

Boundary Navigation:
 

Just like any other BDSM role, service subs need to establish clear boundaries to prevent burnout or emotional strain. Balancing their own needs with those of their Dominant partner can be challenging.
 

Misunderstanding and Stereotyping:
 

Service submissives may encounter misunderstanding or stereotyping from those outside the BDSM community who fail to comprehend the depth of their desires and motivations.
 

Potential Exploitation: In some cases, individuals may exploit the service sub's desire to please, leading to an unhealthy power dynamic. Service subs need to be vigilant and prioritise their well-being.
 

The role of a service submissive in BDSM is a testament to the diverse and intricate nature of power exchange relationships within the community. While service subs derive immense satisfaction and purpose from fulfilling acts of care and devotion, they must also navigate challenges related to boundaries, understanding, and exploitation.
 

Ultimately, the path of a service sub requires self-awareness, communication, and a deep commitment to both personal growth and the unique dynamics of their BDSM journey.

BDSM is a word composed from the following abbreviations: B&D (Bondage & Discipline), D&S (Dominance & Submission), and S&M (Sadism & Masochism). It means that it can cover a play, where heavy pain is inflicted or tight bonds are applied, or where one person drives another. There is one sign common for all three: there is at least one person who leads the scene (called top), and at least one person who is controlled (called bottom).

Bondage & Discipline - bonds, humiliation, and corporal punishment are used to control the behaviour of the bottom. The top forces the bottom to achieve a certain goal through the given rules. If these are broken, then punishment takes place. It is very similar to a child treatment used in the last century, but applied to adults of course. Very often, role playing, such as parents/children, teacher/student, is a part of it.

Dominance & submission - the top dominates the bottom. The top demands that the bottom wants to obey. It is similar to B&D, but the control is mostly in the emotional field. Let me give you an example to make it clearer: The top gives a command to the sub to keep the house clean. In B&D, the top will check if the house is really clean. If not, his crop will have a work to do ... In D&S, the top will not care if the room is tidied up, but if the bottom has spent enough effort to fulfil the request.

Sadism & Masochism - pain is involved. The masochist likes to receive pain, the sadist likes to inflict pain.

BDSM can be a lifestyle, it can be a favourite game regularly played with a partner, or it can be something that would be never understood by some. Most of the BDSMers say that erotic power exchange is the most sensual thing you can experience. I can't say, if it is true for everybody, but it is surely true for me.

Safe, sane, consensual

No BDSM web site would be complete if this basic philosophy is not mentioned there. Any scene has to be:

Safe - you can't totally eliminate a possible problem, that something will go wrong, but you have to be prepared to handle such a situation.

Sane - there are limits you have to worry about, things you should be aware of. Never get too deep in your fantasies; stay in touch with reality. You can dream about being raped, but it is not so fun if you really are.

Consensual - both of you have to agree to play. BDSM is based on the gift of submission and not on the abuse of power.

Hurt not harm - What is the difference? Hurt means to inflict pain, and harm means to cause temporary or lasting damage. The damage can be physical, but it can be mental too. Do not underestimate the psychological point of view!

Punishment:

Punishment is something that makes the bottom feel very uncomfortable, and it is used to remind her that she did something wrong. Some bottoms do not understand that and try to misbehave to receive harsh treatment, which they like.

This is not a good approach, and I would recommend changing it as soon as possible. I think that it is not a fault of the bottom only, but of the top as well. If we say punishment, we think very often about corporal punishment - when physical pain is inflicted by hitting with a tool or a part of a body, like a hand. But punishment can also be humiliation, forcing to stay in an uncomfortable position, tight bonds, etc, etc. If the bottom is a heavy masochist, then it is hard to punish him by beating and still avoid injury.

In my opinion, the most cruel punishment is ignorance. I don't know about anything more terrible than waiting for your Master to pay some attention to you again. And it works on all types of bottoms. Or am I wrong?

Master/slave, Domme/sub, top/bottom, switch

What is the difference between these words? Hence, we do not often realize it, but there is a big difference there. Sometimes, some people use them in different ways. I will mention here my personal feelings about them.

A slave is a person inferior to their Master, who controls their body and mind. The slave is obliged to fulfill all requests and commands of her owner, has to ask permission to do anything that was not commanded by him, and in fact do not have any rights. Slavery is the greatest gift that one human being offers to another in the BDSM relationship. It is also a very risky and dangerous thing, because she is at the mercy of his owner.

Therefore, before the woman would become a slave, she should know very well the person she wants to submit to, and she should know what the demands will be of her. Otherwise, there will be a big disappointment for both parties involved. If this happens, the slave should ask to be released, mostly because she feels she is not able to fulfill the Master's desires and, in that way, meet her own need to be a good slave.

The Master should step forward and release the slave from her duty, simply because she becomes unusable for him anyway. Slavery is a relationship without any borders and without any time limits. In most cases, entering into the partnership is very formal and quite often, both participants sign a contract.

sub - the main meaning is as a person in D/s relation, but very often is used to describe a person who offers power over certain rights for a limited period of time to her Dom, usually in the duration of the scene. Unlikely in a Master/slave relationship, here are some limits set, in terms of actions and time, too. The sub is not under total control; she only submits in a certain range.

bottom - a very general term, which expresses inferiority of one person to the top (the superior one). The bottom can be a masochist, sub, and also a slave.

If we take a Master-slave relationship like marital status, then Dom-sub would be a pair of lovers, and top-bottom can be any pair who just have a date. We can also say that every slave is a sub and every sub is a bottom, but not vice versa. Also, every Master is a Dom, and every Dom is a top.

switch - is one who changes his/her role, can be a top, and can be a bottom too.
In written contact (by mail, email, IRC, etc.), it is useful if it is easily recognizable by name, who is who. There is a rule for this: the top usually uses a capital first letter, the bottom uses all letters in small case, and switch uses a capital letter somewhere in the middle in his/her name.

Essential principles of the BDSM relationship

As in any relation, also here the most important is the respect to the partner, and it does not matter if she/he is a master or slave, it works both ways. Anybody would hardly ever submit to someone who did not earn their trust, and she will not earn his trust if she does not show her esteem to him too.

Only novices and those who do not take BDSM seriously claim themselves to be Masters or slaves from the first meeting. Be aware of these people!

People who are serious about this will take you as an equal partner. When both of you ensure that your desires match and both feel comfortable and have trust in each other, then the bottom can offer herself to be under the control of the top, and the top can take this offer. I stress here that both parties can and not must.

To submit, it is the last bottom's decision. Since the top takes that offer, he also takes the responsibility for his bottom. I find the following ads and responses as a major mistake: "I am begging you to be accepted for your service", or "kneel and immediately write to me that you want to submit!".

Both are signs of low experience (well, I was the same in the past :-), and in the case of experienced people, it demonstrates a lack of esteem or self-esteem. Relations, which start in that way, end very early too, and are not very happy.

Of course, there is no rule without an exception. If you seek someone just for one session and you like a risk, it can be the right way for you. But it is not how I feel about BDSM.

If you search for a lifetime partner and want to have a life full of love, sex, and emotions, then it would be better to start from another point - go to dinner, learn what he likes, what his philosophy is, what he expects from life, and very slowly get to the questions concerning BDSM. In that way, you can test if you are both of the same mind.