How To Be A Dom

Many years ago, I met a girl online who lived in Southern California. After some days of chatting online, she lobbied me for a phone call. We spoke for five hours. That began what you might call on phone dating, a daily mix of friendly and sexy IM exchanges, and phone conversations. This gal was unusually smart, charming, talented, and apparently really kinky. And she had some challenging, though not uncommon, emotional issues, which I didn't recognize right away. Or perhaps I was willfully blind to them. At that time, both my social and professional lives were, well, a bit comatose. I saw her as a lifeline.

A pattern developed between us. I felt that we belonged together, so I would try to pull her in closer. She had her doubts and would become grumpy or withdrawn. I would feel rejected and protest her resistance. She would dig in further. We liked each other, and we had lovely moments on occasion, so somehow we kept recovering enough from these spirals that we continued to perform them for a year and a half. I could see our dysfunctional dance, but I couldn't find a pathway out of it. That was maddening, as I like to imagine that if you can see it, you can solve it.

Over time, as my professional prospects revived, I regained some faith in myself. I began to see our inevitable entanglements as absurd. Her grumpy refusals at my offerings of intimacy were comical. I started laughing at them, out loud, sincerely. And voilà, that broke the spell; once I was laughing, she couldn't help but laugh too. I also stopped insisting that she was the perfect girl for me. I'm happy to say that we remain good friends.

Everyone has emotional vulnerabilities, weaknesses. Almost any time an event provokes a sudden, strong emotional response in you — anger, sadness, withdrawal, self-loathing, confusion, helplessness — the most likely culprit is one of these cracks in your psyche. The present situation or conversation has simply driven you into that fissure, triggering a response that's disproportionate to the moment.

But suppose an acquaintance insults you? Wouldn't anger or withdrawal be an appropriate response? No, a non-triggered response to that kind of random offense is bemusement or skepticism. He's probably having a hard day; it's him that's off, not you.

Emotional weaknesses and the responses that accompany them are typically formed in childhood when we're all naturally vulnerable because our boundaries and understanding of people are still forming. But they can develop later in life, given repeated hard experiences. Digging into the past to discover the roots of your emotional issues may be helpful, or it may not. The key to managing them is gaining self-awareness and learning good coping behaviors. Once you stop rehearsing them, they will naturally become less poignant with time.

Emotional issues can do serious damage to otherwise healthy relationships. When triggered, you stop thinking clearly, and may assign the current situation or loved one full blame for the strength of your hard feelings. Most lovers don't take this too well; disproportionate reactions are rattling, and being blamed for them is frustrating. The damage is even worse when one partner's reaction triggers an issue within the other, whose subsequent emotional response then re-triggers the first one. Such interlocking issues cause a kind of death spiral that's difficult to escape. Issue interlock is, in my view, the single most common killer of good relationships.

As I recounted above, it is possible to break through issue interlock. The key skill, which anyone can learn, but is surprisingly rare, is strong emotional boundaries — knowing where your own psyche stops and another's begins. You should assume that anyone's reactions, especially strong reactions, are about what's going on in their own head, not between the two of you. If you can remember that when your partner falls down, they're less likely to pull you over as well.

D/s relationships thrive on the exceptional, magical connection that forms between dom and sub, and the altered states that this bond allows them to venture into. When emotional issues are triggered for one or both of them, it can impinge on their D/s dynamic. If their leader and follower roles desert them, suddenly they're facing each other like egalitarian acquaintances, just when one most needs the other's support. The simplest means to stop a damaging interaction is for either partner to speak their safeword (or simply say "safeword"). Then stop talking; focus on your breathing. Then ask yourself what you have been doing to contribute to the discord. Then admit that to your partner, and ask their forgiveness. It's wise to wait a while before attempting to discuss that particular emotional vulnerability with them.

It is essential that you develop self-awareness of your issues—what triggers them and how you react. Know that it will take time and determination to do so. It's also important that as you gain awareness, you brief your partner on your vulnerabilities. An observant partner will tend to figure them out ahead of you and can try to steer you around or out of them, which helps in developing your own awareness. And it's crucial to learn to notice when you've fallen into one of your emotional fissures and to remind yourself that you're not thinking clearly and that whoever is in front of you at that moment is not the cause of your pain.

by Will

It is easy to get wrapped up in the ups and downs of emotionally abusive relationships. Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there. 

 How to Stop Being Victimized

Most abusers have effectively learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance; undermining and lowering their self-esteem

Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.

They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They can’t control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations that cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.

For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received seldom has anything to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault. One of the hardest things to realize is one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser.

Even if the abusers want to change, they seldom want to put any real effort towards changing. Victims of emotional abuse often think otherwise. They stick around hoping they can fix things and often end up blaming themselves for the state of the relationship.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Abusers will tend to:

Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions.

Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves.

Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions.

Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing – it gives them the control to manipulate future events.

 
Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, while at the same time bringing up how their emotions are being affected.

Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.

Change the subject to divert attention from themselves.

Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.

Threaten or hint of physical, mental, or sexual abuse.

Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self).

Show inappropriate emotional outbursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame).

Use controlling and domineering tactics to limit freedom of expression.

Forget commitments and promises.

Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out, or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.

Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt, or fear.

Have actions and promises which are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another.

Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped or cornered.

Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.

Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves.

Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses.

Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority.

Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity.

Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them.

Slander the name, reputation, associations, or activities of those they can’t control.

The Long Term Effects of Abuse and Stress Ruin Lives

The long term cumulative effects of abuse are often difficult to quantify. Many victims successfully suppress or try and forget unwanted and painful memories. For them, the past becomes difficult to access or memory gaps exist. Others have feelings of detachment or isolation; their self-worth and self-esteem are lowered.

Unresolved feelings from past abuse can eventually contribute to emotional problems and disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression, and OCD.

Stress has been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Studies have shown those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse suffered in childhood, have a harder time dealing with stressful situations later in life. As life progresses, situations associated with past abuse become more difficult to handle.

Understanding emotional and mental abuse is one thing. Effectively releasing the pain and emotions.attached to abuse is something completely different.

Suffering is Not Mandatory

Many don’t know the signs of emotional abuse, so they blame themselves for the failed relationship. Others don’t know how to let go of painful memories and some don’t want to forget.

Replaying scenarios over and over will only have the mind reliving negative experiences again and again, only prolonging the suffering. Some carry these events for years, even their entire lives because they didn’t know how to release these events.

Abusive actions never support the well being of anyone. They breed negative emotions, depleting the body’s energy, clouding the clarity of thought, and hurt future relationships.

If you are in an abusive environment, the first step is to get out. That may be a scary thought and the options may seem limited. It is what the abuser wants you to believe, that you have no power. But you do and you must find it within yourself to take the first steps. Having a social worker or legal counsel to assist you, in the beginning, is usually a good idea.

Healing From Abusive Relationships and Experiences

Work with a professional who can help you sort things out, raise your self-esteem, and assist you to release old negative emotions. To let go you must take action and make the needed changes necessary to move on with your life. Abuse tends to impede how we process thoughts and emotions. It very often contributes to PTSD, anxiety, and OCD.

Since abuse can touch a person at the core of their mental and emotional abilities, it can be a sensitive subject to approach. 

If past events still trigger anger, frustration, fear, hurt, rejection, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions;  they have a hold on you. If you are constantly feeling these emotions, they have a hold on you. You can’t begin living life in a new way if any part of you holds on to the old ways. Everyone deserves the opportunity to allow themselves to change.

Before You Begin Recovery

First, recognize the signs of emotional abuse. The next step is to get out of the abusive relationship. This is common sense. It’s hard to let go of traumatic memories, raise self-confidence and self-esteem, and move forward with life again if someone is still holding you down. While it is not always easy to do, you have to decide it’s time to move on, to put your needs front and center.

Next, identify the emotions you experience from the abuse. Is it guilt, shame, hurt, rejection, sadness, or anger. Take inventory and get in touch with the emotions your nervous system has been signaling you with.

Then get some help. It can be difficult to sort these things out on your own. Find someone who can help you process and work though the discomforts of your situation. Someone who will also help you obtain skills, so in the future you will not find yourself in the same situation again.

Nothing changes unless you give yourself a chance to change. Raise your awareness by recognizing the signs of emotional abuse. Decide it’s time to be different and support yourself, your mental and emotional needs in a meaningful and willful manner.

Remember, long term emotional abuse can create all sorts of uncertainty, self-doubt, and self-esteem issues, so give yourself some time to heal. 

Grief and Sadness

Guilt and Shame

Hurt and Rejection

Anger and Frustration
 

Ageplaying involves treating the sub like they are a certain age, usually younger, anywhere from toddler to teenager.  As a result, the sub treats their Dom like their Daddy.  He takes on the paternal role of protector and caregiver and administers discipline and training when needed. 

The sub becomes his “little” and relies on him emotionally, physically, and even sexually and sometimes financially.

Ageplayers are NOT pedophiles.  The definition of pedophilia is having sexual feelings towards children.  A sub is not a child but is a consenting adult.  A Daddy Dom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.

Why is the DDlg Relationship so Fulfilling for Ageplayers? It can be hard to explain this lifestyle or know what things to say to someone who doesn’t understand this kink. Basically, age playing and DDlg satisfy both individuals involved on many levels:

The Daddy DomUsually men are naturally attracted to youth and innocence, and having a little meets that need continuously. They will also have the satisfaction of having someone rely and dote on them, and counting on them to “fix it” when things get hard. 

Littles are constantly seeking the praise and attention of their Daddy and will do their best to please him.  When his baby girl disobeys rules, a Daddy Dom also gets the fulfillment of disciplining her in any way he desires, (and she has consented to).  She will also come to him with her sexual needs, as he knows how best to please her.

The little girl in a symbiotic way, what makes the Daddy happy fulfills the little’s needs and vice versa.  She will be made to feel eternally youthful and beautiful, and he will spoil her and cherish her.  Subs that choose this relationship are usually emotionally fragile at times, and having a supportive, paternal figure is very soothing.  Likewise, being told they’re a “good girl” makes sub ageplayers feel extremely content.  And obeying rules and knowing they’re making their Daddy happy gives them immense reassurance.

How to Incorporate AgeplayingNow that you know the real definition for ageplay and what both the Daddy Dom and little girl get out of it, here are some ideas for making it work:

Outfits, Clothing, and Other Ways to Look the PartThe Daddy Dom ultimately chooses the clothing his little girl wears, but short skirts, dresses, and having their hair in braids or pigtails is the usual protocol.  Schoolgirl outfits are very popular, and Brazilian waxes are a great way to get that look and feel for ageplaying.

Daddy Dominant Traits and Things to SayLittles should refer to their Dom as Daddy, and always ask them for permission, just like a dependent child would.  Daddy's need to call their littles by appropriate names like Baby Girl and conversations and lectures are more enjoyable when she’s told to sit on his lap.  Littles also usually require a softer approach when being dominated. 

Good Daddy Dominant traits are being nurtured, caring but strict, being a good listener, and supportive. 

 Here are some ideas for things to say:

“Be a good girl.”
“Behave.”
“Do you need a spanking?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You’re too little to do that, let me help you.”
“Be careful.”
“Let me touch/see your princess parts.”
“Use your words.”
“Let’s have a cuddle time.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll make it all better.”

DDlg Rules, Little Space, and Other Ideas DDlg revolves around wanting to please and fearing disapproval, so rewards and punishments are vital.  Pats on the head and forehead kisses mean a lot, and spankings are usually a must.  Keeping the attitude of “Daddy knows best” will also deepen intimacy.  

Good rules for littles include a set bedtime, no swearing, and keeping their room clean. The definition of “Little Space” is a state of mind submissive ageplayers enter when they’re deeply feeling little.  Here are some ideas for age-appropriate activities to help a sub enter little space more easily:

Coloring
Reading stories together
Having a stuffie
Keeping a journal
Cuddling
Watching cartoons
Going on outings together
Using stickers

Ageplaying is a great way to mix childlike innocence with naughty sexual curiosity. Don’t listen to people who try to say that ageplay is wrong.  The DDlg lifestyle can become the basis for a healthy BDSM relationship, and bring even more happiness to both the Dom and his sub. 

As a Dom who had one sub for 17 years and now she has gone. It leaves a big hole in my heart we didn't scene or go to events but we played she was my slut, my whore the love of my life.

As I try to get back out in the community I find things have changed it seems there are so many false Doms and subs that want to top from the bottom.

I feel that fifty shade of gray was such a false portrayal of this beautiful lifestyle it seems like all the fake Doms are in it for the sex and leave many of their subs broken and untrusting. 

As for the subs they jump in without knowing the Dom they picked and end up hurt and confused.

I am an ole school Dom I don't want to be called Sir until I have earned it. I don't want to have sex with you until I have feelings for you. 

What I want is a friend I want to date you and get to know you as a person what are your hopes and dreams are, I want a long term relationship what do you want?

Tell me why are you interested in the lifestyle what dynamic interest you what do you want to learn?

Do you understand the power you give me and my responsibility to care for and to protect you?  

Yes, I know what I seek and so far have not been able to find a sub, a slut, a whore, and the love of my life there is more much more but we will walk that road together. Oh by the way I love to spank that ass.

My feeling of dominance is not about forcing people to do things. There is no joy in exerting power over people per se. The joy is what they do for you because they do obey. I do not purposely humiliate or intimidate people to do what I say, but rather expect them to obey me of their own free will. It's about them respecting my position of power and willingly giving themselves to me for my pleasure. I know they are also coming to me to fulfill their fantasies and to have their pleasures, but everything in our meeting is center on them serving and pleasing me.

When I speak with a new sub for the first time I ask her if they are willing to do as I say, and if she agrees to serve me as I wish, then I continue the discussion. I have never had to reprimand or remind a sub that they said they would obey me. They just willingly submit to me, and all of us enjoy a great amount of pleasure.

1) She Must Be Pretty
2) She Must Be Sweet
3) Sluts willing to be my personal slut and fuck men or woman for my pleasure, she will be my slut I will share with others
4) She Must Be Young 25-60 and look good have a tight body
5) She Must Be Honest
6) She Must Be Ready to Assume My Leadership
7) She Must Be Willing To Cook And Clean if asked  

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the ‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these tests is no guarantee either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective partner as well as possible before you even meet in person.

Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female trying to sort through men claiming to be Doms online. They are largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the fake Dommes out there.

__Step One: Do the Math__

Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of real (i.e. natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see online have to be fakes. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”

Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be disheartened by all these drastic ratios. But don’t waste your time either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!

__Step Two: Know Your Enemy__

We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your enemies. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Real BDSM is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no, and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need. He will likely give you many things you don’t need, like medical bills and other assorted headaches.

Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are simply sexually promiscuous. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t deter them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They target submissives because they think that they won't make demands on their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’

HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour the porno sites for ideas and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end learning the lingo. They are most easily spotted because they want to move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.

The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling personalities.’ They are basically obsessed with control of everything around them, especially the people in their lives. They want all their family, friends, and even coworkers to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves ‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the opposite of a sexual Dominant.

Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 BDSM relationships without going into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be quite right. While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have their hooks into you its very hard to get untangled.

The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers, and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well! Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable.

To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all take your time getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him, because you will feel more comfortable during that first scene. Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be impulsive. If a ‘Dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to lose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need to play ‘hard to get.’

__Step 3: Know your goal!__

Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available to them. So arm yourself with knowledge! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the dos and don’ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it’s your ass that’s (literally) on the line here.

Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you are in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life. Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing for you!

Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are often strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in intimate situations. It’s a respite from the way we live our everyday lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.

Above all, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally nice guy, you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A real Dominant isn’t likely to make ‘demands’ until its time to play.

__Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!__

_Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out!_ Don’t waste your time with people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going to be fun to play with.

_Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!”_ is the mating call of a HNG or control freak. Real Doms don't have to ask for titles, we earn them. Most real Doms will say things like “please, call me Mike…”

_Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.”_ This is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks. They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.

_Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On your knees, you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]”_ This is the mating call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these endearing terms, and it isn’t online!

_Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!”_ or “It’s not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the dangerous lies that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be ready to at least try and answer every question you have, and honestly at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget this!

_Test #6: “It’s my way or the highway!”_ or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it’s your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘Dom’ tell you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s always lady’s choice!

_Test #7: Don't bother with online collars._ Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very simple test if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste much time on cybersex? Please take my word for it; the answer is no. Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn dull.

_Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a scene._ If he says ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’ at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced and skilled. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but not miracles.

_Test #9: “I’m a [bank president, captain of industry, combat photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]”_ Wouldn’t it be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into BDSM, he’s likely a submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control freak. I have met a lot of submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!

_Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.”_ Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom’s level of experience (and it’s a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don’t care about the intricacies of BDSM; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18-year-old boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?

_Test #11: Ask for references!_ Especially if he claims to be ‘very experienced.’ Talk to the references on the phone. Lots of HNG’s have female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. However, in the BDSM Scene it’s the opposite, experienced Dominants should accept and accommodate this kind of request gladly.

_Test #12: “I have three real-life collared slaves right now, but you can't talk to them.”_ Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking together. If a ‘Dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her first!

_Test #13: “I don't need safe words.”_ Well of course he doesn’t! If he said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?

_Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.”_ If you hear a ‘Dom’ say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve careful and thorough negotiation.

_Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us"_ If I have to explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but only with the express permission (and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence, liars) themselves.

_Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here:_ You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom" that falls through, analyze why it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.

__Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!__

Finding some female submissives to be buddies with you on your quest is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even references to legitimate Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!

However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.

A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.

Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world, keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.

__In Closing__

This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real-life BDSM? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be one of the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!

__GLOSSARY__

BDSM - an acronym that combines abbreviations for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism (B&D + D/s + S&M = BDSM). It is meant to be an all-inclusive term for these related erotic fetishes.

B&D – abbr. for Bondage and Discipline.

Collar - a symbol of possession used to denote some sort of committed relationship between a sexual Dominant and a sexual submissive.

Control Freak - slang for a person with a dysfunctional personality type usually referred to as a “controlling personality.” See section 2, paragraph four.

Credo, The – (a.. k. a. the BDSM Motto) The BDSM Credo is usually taken to be “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” All of these ideals are generally considered to be of equal importance and interdependent. It is worth noting that the Credo’s definition of Sanity, rather than delving into psychology, goes thus: The only Sane reason to do BDSM is for the mutual enjoyment of all people involved.

Cyber - slang for being online. Often refers to Cyber-sex.

Cyber Sex - interacting with another person online for the express purpose of sexual arousal.

D/s - abbr. for Domination and Submission.

Dom - abbr. or slang for a (usually male) sexual Dominant.

Dominant - (i.e. Sexual Dominant) A person that derives sexual and mental satisfaction from taking control of intimate erotic encounters. They are often simulated by using techniques such as sexual sadism, bondage, domineering role-play, and generally taking a commanding role in intimate situations.

Domme - abbr. or slang for a (usually female) sexual Dominant.

HNG - acronym for “Horny Net Geek.” See section 2, paragraph two.

Limit - something that either partner in a BDSM relationship will not do, or does not like. Basically, a specific preference concerning BDSM play. The submissive’s Limits should always take precedence over the Dominant’s. Limits should always be discussed and set out before a Scene ever starts. Respecting Limits is not an option, it’s a requirement.

Master - A title of honor for a (usually male) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Dom in a Scene featuring “Master/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Sir, Lord, and Daddy, etc.

Mistress - A title of honor for a (usually female) sexual Dominant that usually denotes either a high level of experience or competence. Also used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for Dominants that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Alternatively used as a term of endearment for the Domme in a Scene featuring “Mistress/slave” role-playing, or in the context of a long-term relationship. Similar titles include Ma’am, Lady, and Momma, etc.

S&M or S/m - abbr. for Sadism & Masochism, or Sadomasochism.

SafeWord - a code word used by the submissive to signal his/her Dominant partner to either stop, slow down, or even completely end a Scene. “Safe Signals” must be substituted when the submissive is gagged or cannot otherwise speak. These are not an option for safe play, they are a requirement.

Safety Net - a person or persons who take the responsibility to make sure that your real-life meeting with a prospective play partner is safe. This can range from actually “chaperoning” the meeting to set up “safe calls” and so forth. This is a requirement for submissives, not an option, as it is the only defense they have against predators, rapists, and con artists. Learn how to set one up and set them up religiously. Even vanilla women should learn to do these things when going on a blind date!

Sexual Masochist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli. Such stimuli outside the context of a consensual or erotic experience are not usually enjoyable to a sexual masochist.

Sexual Sadist - a person that can experience profound arousal and/or euphoria from inflicting carefully controlled doses of pain and other extreme stimuli on sexual Masochists. They DO NOT generally enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Nor do they enjoy using such stimuli on people that do not find it enjoyable.

Slave - a title of endearment and ownership given to sexual submissives that are participating in Master/slave lifestyles or role-playing. This usually signifies that the submissive wears the “Collar” of a particular Dominant. Alternatively used (voluntarily) as a title of respect for submissives that have served the BDSM community as a whole. Similar titles include boy, girl, or sissy, etc.

Sub - abbr. or slang for a sexual submissive.

Submissive – (i.e. Sexual Submissive) A person who derives sexual and mental satisfaction from having control taken away from them in intimate situations. They are often (but not always) sexual masochists. They often derive pleasure from bondage and generally taking a subservient role in intimate situations.

Scene - slang for relating to BDSM. As in “Yes, she’s a legitimate player in the Scene.” Also slang for a specific session of BDSM. As in “I was in this wonderful Scene last night.” Often used as a verb in the same case; “They Scened at the party last night.”

Subbie - common endearment for a sexual submissive, usually (but not always) for a female submissive.

Vanilla - slang for things that are not “kinky” or not related to BDSM and similar fetishes.

Victim - a victim of abuse that claims to be in a BDSM “lifestyle” to rationalize/legitimize their tragic situation. See section 5, paragraph 2.

Wannabe - derogatory; most often refers to a person that pretends to be a legitimate real-life practitioner of BDSM, while actually having little or no practical experience.

PHONY: Just a simple word with so much meaning: not genuine; fraudulent.a fraudulent person or thing. act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination. a person who cause (someone) to believe something that is not true, typically in order to gain some personal advantage. a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain

She comes to you with tales of woe someone has taken advantage of her in the lifestyle but with no great details as an elder, you try to soothe and comfort give advice and be a friend they pump you for information about you and your family and subs but being in the lifestyle you know to give limited information.

When you ask her about anything they shut you down won't even share what city they live in, you have no idea if you are communicating with a man or a woman. But try to be patient but start to suspect something doesn't feel right so you ask more direct questions and wait and wait and wait for answers that never come. 

Then someone tells you that you have been cast as dangerous or threatening in some way or fashion That is when it hits you that you were getting to close to the truth and she couldn't lie and put off anymore not answering my questions so they did as all fakes and frauds do they ran and tried to blame me for trying to be a friend

Relationships don’t drive themselves, someone has to wear the pants and make sure things run smoothly and keep moving forward.

To be clear, it doesn’t matter who is wearing the pants in a relationship, just as long as they wear them well. There is no advantage to ‘the man’ always being the one in charge, but as a man, it is your responsibility to make sure someone is behind the wheel. If your relationship is without a driver, it’s your job to step up and take control.

The first thing you need to understand to wear pants well, is what you need, and what you want, from your relationship.

Assess your own needs

It’s really important to understand the difference between what you need and what you want. You need to be very honest with yourself about these things because without knowing how to answer this question, it’s going to be impossible for you to be the confident, dominant, competent man you want to be.

For example, you may want a girl who will pick up girls at the bar to bring home with you at the end of the night. But is this something you need to be happy in a relationship? You may really enjoy hanging out with your friends and smoking weed, but if a girl says that’s a deal-breaker, is it something you need in your life or are you willing to give it up?

You need to know what makes you happy, and what keeps you sane. Once you know how to tell between what you need and want, you are prepared to put one leg into those pants.

Never compromise on a need

The only thing you need to know to avoid being ‘whipped’ in a relationship is this one piece of advice: never compromise on something you need.

If you have been honest with yourself on what you need versus what you want then compromising on a need is never an option. For a relationship to function, you need to first look out for yourself. If you are not happy and healthy, you are entirely unable to assist your partner. If there is something you need, whatever that may be, then there is no room for discussion: needs are non-negotiable. If you are ever faced with the choice of your need or her, you need to make sure the need is actually a need and not a want, and if so she will always lose. If you compromise a need, then your relationship is doomed to misery and failure. Don’t put yourself into that situation.

Now that you are prepared to wear the pants, the next step is knowing what to do when you have them on.

Put her first

If you are going to take on the role of making the decisions in a relationship, then you need to understand that every decision you make is for the benefit of her and your relationship. The happier she is, the better off you two will be, and the more willing she will be to let you continue to wear the pants. Being in control is not about being selfish, it’s not about you getting what you want, it’s about you both getting what you need and avoiding as many mistakes as possible.

When you are going out to eat, choose the place you think she would most enjoy (and you are happy to eat at). Make sure to always put her needs as being crucial to every choice you make.

If she needs to go against your wants, she wins.

If your needs go against her wants, she loses.

But if your wants go against her wants, she should win just about every time.

When someone has to give, it should always be you. While this sounds entirely selfless, it’s not: by making her the happiest girlfriend she could possibly be, she will be the best girlfriend you could ever have hoped for.

She will go out of her way to make your life better because you are worth it. The better you are to her, the better she will be to you. This is the crux of a functioning relationship.

Know when to relax

This advice is not intended to give you the impression that only a full power exchange can be a healthy relationship. The most important skill in all of this is knowing when to relax, and give up the control. Remember, you are driving the relationship, not her. You need to give her the amount of freedom she needs and support her.

The more honest, open, and communicative you are, the more information you will have to base all your decisions on. But when you don’t have enough information, you need to be sure to get it or to make sure she has the information she needs to make the decision herself. Relationships are a joint effort. If you are making the decisions, it’s because she has chosen to let you.

Just make sure not to go too far with any of these. Your job is to maintain a happy, functioning, relationship, not bow to her every whim or to turn her into your slave. You are looking for a balance where you can both be comfortable and confident. But most of all, you need to ensure you don’t drop the ball. If you take on the responsibility of wearing the pants in a relationship, you are not allowed to let things fall apart out of neglect.

Done properly, she will have less stress, and both of your lives will be better off for it.

Firstly, please don’t be fooled by the flashy title. I’m not encouraging women to play dumb, be in a ‘housewife’ role, or have no opinions. Being submissive to a man is not about that at all.

I’m also not encouraging women to be submissive all the time – being submissive is just another role that a woman can take up every now and then in her relationship with a high value, masculine man.

The reason I’m talking about being submissive is that it can bring more passion, strength, and life to a healthy relationship if it’s received by a man with love and respect. The key point here is that you need to do this inside a healthy relationship. If you want to know if your relationship is healthy, here are 10 Ultimate Signs of A Healthy Relationship.

1: You both feel like you add value to each other

Now, this doesn’t always have to be 50/50. Because there will be times when one of you is very sick or exhausted or just not in the right space of mind to add value that you normally would to the other person. We don’t always have to look for equality because that can take away from our vulnerability and natural gifts.

2: You both intend the best for each other

In other words, you build each other up. You both genuinely want the best for each other.

Of course, the intent is something that is difficult to measure, but it’s easy to feel if it’s there. So make sure you allow yourself to feel for not just your lover’s intent, but your own good intentions as well.

It’s great to have a playful banter and rivalry in your relationship, but at the end of the day, you want to know that your intention isn’t to suppress or take away confidence, worth, and esteem from your lover.

In other words, you not caught in a cycle of making each other small in order to feel better about yourself.

3: You are willing to face and deal with inevitable conflicts without having to push them down or avoid them altogether

Here’s the truth, in an intimate relationship, conflict is necessary, I repeat, necessary for that relationship to grow. And if the relationship doesn’t grow, it dies!

I know it can sometimes be easy to avoid conflict in order to keep the peace, but that doesn’t work long term. Ultimately the purpose of conflict is for us to understand and appreciate each other at a deeper level.

Men and women are inherently so different, biologically, psychologically, and spiritually.

What makes a relationship healthy is the strength of love that you both grow together AS A RESULT of going through tough conflicts and painfully challenging times together.

Remember this – Love not tested by conflict isn’t worth anything. You wouldn’t know if it’s real or not because it’s never tested. You would not have that sense of certainty.

So face those conflicts, and don’t walk away from your lover, no matter how difficult it may be. I promise you will become stronger, more confident, and resilient as a result.

4: You have no need to keep weapons in the relationship
What do I mean by weapons?

Power trips, guilt trips, shaming, anger, aggression, passive-aggressiveness, words that cut deep.

Now I can understand the use of some of these weapons as a last resort to try to get what you want in a relationship. However, just know that these weapons are always desperate and low-value ways to get what you want.

And they are always only just short term solutions to long term problems.

There are much better ways to go about it. You can inspire something different by adding value first. You can get what you want by adding value first, so much so that it’s reciprocated.

5: You HOLD emotional space for each other

In other words, you don’t consciously or subconsciously invalidate your lover's feelings. The term holding space has become rather popular in the last few years and it just means that you give space in your relationship for each other’s feelings.

You don’t belittle their feelings, you don’t ignore them. And most of all, you don’t try to talk your lover out of their feelings. Feelings are there to be acknowledged, not ignored.

Feelings don’t need to be solved, they need to be felt.
Ultimately our emotions are here to serve us and it’s important for all of us to feel through our emotions. Otherwise, we hold it all in, and eventually, it turns into resentment and comes out one day in a pathological and destructive FIREBALL.

The longer you deny your own anger and hurt, the more you let someone violate your boundaries, the more “damaged” you become, and the less emotionally “healthy” you become. Which in turn, makes you less fit for a truly healthy relationship and a secure attachment.

6: Your relationship is multi-dimensional

It other words, it’s not all about the sweet, ‘light’ energies. You also embrace other parts of yourself. We all have many different parts to us, and it’s important to be aware and appreciate those different parts.

For your relationship to be strong, you need to connect the different parts of you with the different parts of your lover.

So an ultimately healthy relationship isn’t all just full of light feminine energy and light masculine energy… because after a while, that gets really boring. If you’ve ever had boring sex, you know what I’m talking about. In a healthy relationship, we have to also embrace the dark energies that exist inside of every one of us.

And to do that, it’s important to not make any part of yourself wrong or any part of your lover wrong either.

By the way, It’s FINE to feel like you’re not ready for something. That’s totally OK and I hope you don’t do something you’re not ready for.

7: You embrace each other's fears and face them together

In other words, you don’t abandon your lover to face his or her fears alone. You make sure your lover knows that you are in this together and that you can depend on each other to build each other up.

In order to do that, you have to volunteer yourself to be responsible for each other’s feelings, especially fear. Because ultimately a healthy relationship requires both individuals to participate fully. And one person’s fear is going to cripple that process.

You see, we all have deep fears whether we admit it or not. And it’s even more challenging to identify, feel, and respond to a man’s fears because they hold it in much more so than women do most of the time.

So sometimes in order to do this, we need to know our lovers better than they know themselves.

8: You are both emotionally invested in each other’s future

As we mentioned just before, if your relationship isn’t growing, it’s dying. Some relationships die a painful death. Some die of a slower but soul-destroying process.

In order for a healthy relationship to grow, there must be a compelling future. There must be a sense of a greater future head for the relationship, whatever that may be.

In order to grow together, there has to be a level of emotional investment. Emotional investment means that if you win, I win. You’re in it together.

It’s not a game of I win you lose, it’s a game of you win I win.

You want to make sure that neither of you are being treated as a “backup option”. I often see men and women in these situation-ships where one person is devoted to trying to make the relationship work, but the other person doesn’t value the connection or the relationship.

If someone isn’t serious or was never serious about the relationship and is just dabbling around out of convenience, that leaves the other wasting their time and valuable reproductive and emotional resources.

Again, this is where attunement comes in. It is important to be attuned to your partner and where they are at. Attunement is healthy. Blindly trying to keep someone around out of fear of losing them is not necessarily healthy. I mean, it’s definitely not “wrong”, but it’s not really healthy.

Stay attuned to not only yourself and how you feel, but to the person, you are invested in. Feel outside of yourself into them. Feel where they are truly at. Feel whether they are truly emotionally connected to you and emotionally attracted to you.

9: You both know that your first duty is to yourselves

You cannot give to another person if you don’t give that to yourself first. You can’t give strength, joy, and love unless you cultivate it inside of yourself first.

So you need to be adding value to yourself, appreciating yourself, reassuring yourself, and letting yourself know that you are worthy. You have to make it a habit to replenish yourself first, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

In a relationship, if one person continually feels unworthy, the relationship cannot grow! In fact, the state of that relationship will be dragged down for as long as that person feels unworthy.

So perhaps it’s time to tell yourself today: “I appreciate you so much. I appreciate you just for existing. You are a wonderful expression of life and an infinite creation of the universe.”

And most of all, give yourself permission to believe it.

10: You both have a strong sense of identity outside of the relationship

What does that mean? It means that you both have ways to meet your sense of worthiness outside of the relationship so that you’re not both always feeling dependent on the relationship.

So that you’re not always looking to take value from the relationship in order to fill up. Instead, you come into the relationship already filled up.

You see, it doesn’t matter how we want to twist it, every human being has a need for connection. Even the ones who seem like they don’t need it or are very “independent” (people with an avoidance- attachment style, perhaps…)

Every human being also has a need to feel significant….sometimes we try to deal with having these needs by pretending we don’t have them, or pushing them down. But really? The best way to deal with needing to feel important and significant is to meet your needs for significance in several ways – not just within your intimate relationship.

Being submissive is NOT something that you do with an abusive man.

It is just another part of you that you might want to bring out sometimes.

Being submissive – whether in a joking or serious way can awaken the most masculine yet tender character in a man. Submission is almost never about admitting you’re ‘wrong’ or less worthy than a man. Being submissive just allows for a man to feel more like a man around you, and – as a result, have that extra bit of passion.

And, part of being in touch with your femininity is feeling all the different parts of yourself that you can feel in your body – and how to ‘go there’ when you need to. Submission is a part of learning to become more feminine as well.

So, the question of how to be submissive leads me to bring up some things that you will need to understand and therefore be able to be submissive at times.

The ‘how’ will come to you through an understanding of the reason behind it. Our society has encouraged women to keep their guard up, wear masks (instead of being comfortable in their feminine core/essence), be ‘right’ all the time, and be like steel in the face of conflict. That is definitely not how to be submissive at all.

Opening up about submissive relationship

I’ve mentioned it before and I’ll mention it again – that a man really wants his woman to be open to him, and to let him in (emotionally, mentally, sexually, spiritually). The problem with the way we’re educated (or not educated) at school, is that it’s turned a lot of women into these intensely dominating creatures that completely emasculate the men around them.

The problem with this is that in the face of conflict in a relationship (there always IS conflict and always will be, it’s natural and good) women use these steel masks to cover up the natural parts of themselves that would come out when in moments of connectedness with a man.

Women can feel the MOST vulnerable.

As a result, they have to use masks more than anything, to survive in a world that doesn’t honor sensitivity – and that’s sensitivity to how people are treating us, how others feel, and how we feel.

Our society seems to value being socially acceptable. There’s nothing wrong with that – until we’ve practiced it so long that we bring the same need to be ‘acceptable’ and fake in our intimate relationships.

In the face of conflict, a woman can decide to open up to her man and remove the mask. Decisions shape your future, and it’s as simple as making a decision, and focusing on the positives of doing this rather than the comfort of doing things the same way you always have.

Let him in and try to let him take the lead – try to trust him even when it feels unfamiliar.

(Sorry for the generalizations – but for the purpose of this post, they are useful).

The truth is, in general, men are built naturally physically stronger than women.

And, they operate differently to women mentally too (think about a woman’s handbag, and how she magically fits in the contents of an entire HOUSE in it; versus a man who only carries a wallet with a few cards and some money.

Deep down, all women have vulnerabilities and deep fears and feelings of uncertainty, especially in the face of violence.

A trustable man wants you to show him this!

It’s a simple word of ‘I am afraid’ or ‘this scares me.’

Trust

The trends in our society have also led women to become less trusting of men; one feminist even claiming that ‘all men are rapists’. raises eyebrows

But, every day there are men being heroic and standing up for what is right, and protecting and taking care of people.

Being submissive is also about trusting your man enough to let him show you the way sometimes. Many women ask how not to be boring in their relationship. And guess what, this is just one of the ways to not be boring.

And, asking him for help. Or asking him for his opinion, or asking him for solutions.

Many men who are in touch with their masculinity at their core would jump at the chance to help a woman with something – really! It makes him feel needed and useful. Not to mention manly ?

So, ask him for help even with the smallest things like bringing the shopping in, opening a jar, carrying something heavy, undoing a knot, etc. Give him trust where you know it is deserved, and do it without question.

The masculine energy wants to be trusted. If you doubt your man all the time, it feels hurtful. It drains from the relationship bank!

He wants to have a good direction to add to your life – to be trustworthy to you, but if there’s a cycle of you not being willing to TRY to trust him, it makes it hard for him to BECOME more trustworthy, as each mistrust is possibly stripping him of hope, as well as stripping him of his trust in you.

Now, this isn’t just about trusting him not to cheat on you. That can be a part of this. However, it’s more about learning to try to trust his direction in life. So, even if you have a man who isn’t very smart, evolved and correct in his direction – you don’t HAVE to pretend he’s right when you know he’s wrong – you just have to behave like a woman who is willing to show that you are open to him even when he is wrong.

For example, your man wants to invest every last cent in a stock that you already know isn’t looking good. Do you tell him he’s WRONG and it’s a horrible decision? Or would you prefer to suggest to him that it makes you feel scared and nervous because of (list reasons)?

As a woman who is learning to give a man the gift of being submissive, of course, you would choose the second option. As it shows you’re willing to TRY to trust him and still be open to him.

Of course, if this is a man who is constantly making bad decisions, you may not want to stay with him long-term, however, the principle of learning to show up more submissive and open in your feminine energy is the same – choose to value openness MORE than cutting him down and emasculating him.

Why?

Because that adds to the connection inside of a relationship, whereas being domineering just takes value from the relationship and ruins the connection.

Question: have you seen men with their little girls/daughters? They don’t want to let ANYTHING hurt their little girl! The same goes for their wife or girlfriend if only she could show a little innocence and submission – looking up to him as the leader.

Innocence is precious. Innocence can also erode with a very high number of sexual partners as well as with the number of bad relationships you have been in. We live in a society that doesn’t value innocence. We are encouraged to do things that basically ruin our innocence from a young age. So, that’s why some women do end up quite jaded – but that can be fixed.

Just imagine the innocence and purity of a happy little girl. A girl who is well-loved and who feels pretty and beautiful. What does her energy feel like? Is she warm or cold? Is she hyperactive or calm? Is she vengeful or vulnerable?

Despite you having a possibly traumatic upbringing, CAN you find it within yourself to connect to an innocent and pure girl within you? As she is your gateway to greater openness and feminine energy.

You see, no high value, masculine man wants to fail at leadership, especially with his woman. And that’s why, if you can give him the gift of feeling successful around you, he will WANT to be around you and he will perceive value by being with you.

Ability to be uncertain

This is where being submissive is especially powerful and strong, on the woman’s part. To be submissive, a woman has to be OK with being uncertain.

She has to let her guard down, peel off the mask and look of ‘steel’ and be free. Just look to your man as a possible source of strength for you when you might need it.

This is incredibly strong on the woman’s part.

A lot of people think that by not trusting people, they are being strong, independent, and smart.

But, where does a lack of trust get us, really?

It gets us a whole world of pain, that’s what it does. We walk around, holding ourselves back, not able to be free and to let go and to fully enjoy what life has to offer, and not able to give people a chance to show their better side (often if you trust someone, they want to please MORE, as I was saying above about not trusting a man and how this can sometimes push him to betrayal).

The happiness and freedom you are able to experience in your life now, and in the future is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the level of UNCERTAINTY you can comfortably handle.

The same goes for your intimate relationship! The quality of your relationship with your man is in direct proportion to the level of uncertainty that you can handle.

Surrendering and Being Submissive

Part of knowing how to be submissive, and knowing that it doesn’t mean you are inferior is understanding that by surrendering to a man’s leadership and strength at times, you allow your relationship to flow, be real and just be free. Without so much pent up anger and negative association that plagues many modern marriages and relationships.

Men can grow to resent a woman who is always fighting to be more significant. Women who always want to be the expert, be dominant, be ‘enough’ – they often struggle in relationships or any sort, let alone with a masculine man.

As the report ‘What Men Think’ reveals, most men who took part in the survey indicated that the most respected and admired a woman who was comfortable with her femininity and able to let her guard down, thereby letting him in: being open to him. Making a man’s role real and worthy.

Also, being able to surrender shows that you have plenty of self-confidence, esteem as a woman (not having to prove yourself and be in CONTROL all the time). You can also be charming when you “surrender” at the right time and to the right person.

The root of our anxiety in a relationship with a man and the root of our conflict with men is not being able to understand them. What men perceive as high value is often very different from what we perceive value in as women. If you want to learn how to add value to men, then check out Understanding Men.

Alright, so I am just going to assume you’re a new sub. You’re a newbie to this whole BDSM lifestyle that’s why you’re here right now reading how you can please your dom. For a beginner, you’re doing well. Kudos to you for doing your homework. The bond that a Dominant and submissive has, isn’t like your ordinary relationship after all. It needs more digging into.

There are way too many misconceptions surrounding BDSM that needs clearing up. Take for example the popular belief that BDSM relationships involve violence and abuse. This isn’t true at all. It’s a false belief that’s been harming the BDSM community for too long. This flawed information needs to fade away soon. The truth is, BDSM relationships involve a lot of trust and mutual consent from both partners. The Dom and the sub just want to create a place of safety where they can both let go of this society’s standards. They just want to be their dominant or submissive selves without any danger of being judged or abused.

How to Please your Dom?

For a sub, finding someone who wants to share that special experience with you isn’t easy. There are a lot of people out there who pretend to be Doms when they are in fact just out to abuse someone. So if you’ve finally found a Master worthy of your servitude, you want to play your role well, and please him in any way you can.

Researching how to serve him with the best quality is one way to show commitment to your Dom. You’re off to a good start and already on the right track to being an exceptional submissive. I am of course willing to steer you further towards pleasing your Dom. So buckle up your seat belts. Or in this case, tighten your restraints, because you’re about to learn how to please your dom

Choose the right Dom

If this is your first time venturing in the BDSM world, you have to do your choose your dom wisely. As we’ve said, there are some people who pretend to be “doms” when they’re not. They’re dangerous people and you might seriously get hurt if you don’t choose well. No one should coerce you into entering the submissive lifestyle. Even if it’s your partner who’s convincing you to do it, you should say no if you don’t want to do it. The decision is entirely yours so choose your dom well. Put to mind that your safety will be in his hands. If you want to enjoy BDSM, you should enter it willingly and through your own choice and yours only.

Call your Dom “Sir” or “Master.”

A name holds power. Calling your Dom “Master”, or “Sir” or whatever name your Dom insists upon is already an act in itself that shows you’re submitting to his demands. A Dom gets off knowing that he has someone who looks up to him for guidance. You are his little pet. You are his to care for, his to command, his to punish, and his to reward. Every time you address him properly, you remind him of the hold he has in you. And nothing pleases your Dom more than to hear his submissive give him her full attention and respect.

Know your Dominant by heart.

Just as your Dom needs to learn about your limits and turn-ons, you as the sub, need to reciprocate that. Get to know your dom. Gather as much information as possible. What are his likes and dislikes? Does he prefer you stand by his side with your head bowed down or does he prefer seeing you down on your knees? Does he like the sound of your screams or does he prefer hearing the sound of your whimpers? Even tiny details like how he wants his coffee, what his favorite color is, and what time he leaves for work, can be of value to you as his sub. It’s a lot easier to please your Dom when you’re actually aware of the things that please him.

Anticipate your Dom’s next move.

If you want to please your Dom, you have to know him well. If you know your Master well enough, you’re going to be conscious of his little quirks and learn to anticipate his next move. Without him telling you, you already know that he wants you to turn on the TV, and switch to his favorite channel. Or that you have to wait for him to finish eating before you start with your food. Or that you’re not allowed to speak until he’s given you permission. This level of compatibility with your Dom takes time to develop. But when you do reach this point, it’s when you truly embrace the joys of relinquishing power over to someone and being of service to him.

When in doubt, ask for permission.

No matter how good you are at anticipating his next move, there’s always going to be a limit to that. You’re not a mind-reader so whenever you’re in doubt of what you’re supposed to do next, ask your Dom what he wants you to do. Do you get home and immediately go upstairs to strip? Or do you leave your clothes at your front door? Can you sit on his lap while he reads you a bedtime story? Are you allowed to masturbate while he’s away? Or are you only allowed to do it when he gets back? Voice out your questions but do so in a respectful manner. Don’t forget you need to address him properly.

It’s different for every couple, but some practice BDSM 24/7. Some have an allotted time for their BDSM play scenes. For couples who do it throughout the day, constantly asking for permission on everything that you can do can be hard to keep up with. It’s better if you can create a set up with your Dom where the boundaries are clearly established.

Learn to read his mood

There are also going to be times when he wants to keep his silence. You have to be really observant to learn when your Dom is in that mood. It’s a bit frustrating for you as a sub because you want attention from your master. Whether it’s him giving you mundane tasks or checking up on you if you’re following his rules. But you need to take into consideration that your Master needs his space every now and then.

A good master though knows never to leave his sub for too long. He’s not going to let you feel like he’s abandoned you. And more often than not, whenever he’s in one of his quiet moods, he’s going to want you close to him. Close but quiet. And if that’s what he wants you to do, stay beside him. Offer him your comforting presence, and patiently wait for his next command. If you want to please your dom, you have to learn how to do this.

Express your submission in words.

Learn to talk the talk. It’s not enough that you’re addressing him with “Master” or “Sir”. You have to show your true devotion to your Dom by using words like “Please, Master”, or “I’m begging you, Sir”, if there’s something you want your Dom to do for you. It’s never a guarantee that your Dom is going to give you what you asked for just because you’re being polite. But it doesn’t hurt to try. And besides, as a sub, the torture of being denied of something by your Dom is pleasurable in itself.

When your Dom does give in and reward you for being such a good slave, you have to show you’re grateful by saying, “Thank you, Master”. Always show your Dom that you appreciate what he does for you. He may be in charge and enjoys having you at his mercy, but he gains his pleasure knowing that his slave is enjoying the reward or the torture he’s dishing out.

Another way of using words to express your complete submission to your Dom is by saying something along the lines of “I’m here to serve you, Master” or “What’s your next command, Sir?”. You’re letting your Dom know that you’re always ready for whatever he wants you to do and you’re not just ready, but you’re also eager to serve him.

Accept your punishment and relish in it.

Your Master creates the rules and you are to follow every single one of them. Failure to do so results in some form of punishment. This is how a Dom disciplines his sub. There are many forms of punishment that your Dom can try. It can be through impact play, where the Master hits the sub’s body with an object. It can also be by tease and denial play, where the Master teases the sub close to orgasm but never letting her finish. Or maybe it can be is through tickle play where the Master stimulates the ticklish parts of the sub. Your Dom takes pleasure in inflicting pain on you but he’s also aware that you’re getting pleasure for every punishment he gives. Let him hear your sounds of agony—both from pain and pleasure, amplifies the satisfaction your Dom receives.

Sometimes a sub acts out just to get attention from her Master. A slight power struggle can make for some great fun spanking but your Dom expects you to be obedient. He’s not going to be pleased at all if you keep trying to get his attention by constantly doing the exact opposite of what he said. If you want your Dom’s attention, follow his rules and you’re going to be rewarded for it.

The takeaway

Pleasing your Dominant is your main goal as a sub. Keep in mind that you want to give your true submission to your Dom because pleasing him pleases you too. If you’re worried that the stuff mentioned here is too advanced for you, you can go slow. It’s totally up to the two of you how much control you’re willing to relinquish and how much the Dominant is willing to take responsibility for. Follow all the tips mentioned here, tweak them to your situation. Before you know it, you’re going to have your Dom’s complete approval. Be rewarded for being such a hardworking slave.