How To Be A Dom

So you’re probably here because you’re thinking about training a sub. You’re a dom and you like to take charge and control things. However, you probably don’t just like the idea of someone following your every command. It’s more about intimacy, isn’t it? Somebody who’s willing to lose herself completely to you and serve you with every inch of herself because she trusts you— completely. It is with this mindset that we desire to train our subs

Why we need to train our subs

So you need to ask yourselves first why do you want to train a sub? What is the goal? What do you want to get out of it? Until you can answer those questions clearly and thoroughly, you shouldn’t go any further. Spend time and consider those questions carefully because there are three major reasons or goals for submissive training:

Skills Development

The first is general skill development. Maybe you want your sub to know how to massage you or cook for you or clean your house. You don’t have to be the actual person to do the training. Especially if you don’t even have any idea how to do it yourself. You can send them elsewhere where other people can do the training for you.

Dom’s Preferences

The second purpose of training is to teach them the things that you prefer. For example, how you like your food prepared. For this one, you can’t send them to training schools because this is something unique to only YOU. Unless you have an alpha slave, it’s you who have to do all the heavy lifting on this one. This is to refine the general skills that they’ve learned. You can send them to a yoga class or ask them to train for a marathon to improve their flexibility, stamina, and endurance but knowing how far apart you want their knees when they’re kneeling requires specialized instruction from you.

Sub’s Personal Goals

This one is primarily for the sub. Maybe there are things that the sub wants to learn or change. It can be a bad habit that she wants to get rid of. Maybe she wants to stay on track on a project that she’s long put on hold. It can be about a diet that she wants to start and maintain. It can also be about helping her make time for a hobby that calms her. These are only some of the things that makes a dom’s relationship with a sub important and special. It’s a common misconception among people outside the BDSM community that doms just want to enslave someone. A true dom cares for his sub and ensures that her desires are also taken care of.

Determining what the sub is getting from the relationship

For outsiders, they can’t quite grasp the idea that someone will be willing enough to lose themselves completely to someone else. But the sub has her own reasons and you must take that into consideration because these factors will determine whether you are in a compatible relationship and whether training is likely to result in a strong, positive relationship. It would also determine the training approach that is most likely to be successful.

So once and for all, what fulfills subs and drives their submission?

Actively serving others—They genuinely want to be of service to someone. They get pleasure from doing things for others like cooking or performing oral sex.

Passive service—things that the subs allow to be done to them for the pleasure or benefit of others, such as getting whipped, getting “used for sex”.
Sub’s independence – They want to act on their own, without the direct intervention or command of the dom.

Selflessness –Pleasing others motivates them

You must not only consider this before continuing the relationship. You must also give proper attention to the training you want to embark on. For example, a person who derives pleasure from being in service does not need to be punished very often. If you are not careful and you punish them a lot or don’t show any facial expression of satisfaction for the things they are doing, they may interpret it as an “undesirable behavior”. As such, they will stop doing that just because you were not careful with the feedback you are sending. You will learn more about this as you read on.

At other times, the sub may get fulfillment, not from the task itself but the control it represents. Getting controlled is getting attention. Subs would occasionally misbehave intentionally to get punishment. Not because they like to get punished but because you will now pay attention to them. This also reminds them of the power you have over them. They need that reminder, or they will seek it from you by acting out. So be proactive about it.

Conditioning your sub

The primary goal in training our subs is to present them with a “stimulus” and have them react the way we prefer. If you’ve heard of Pavlov, then maybe “Classical Conditioning” will ring a bell to you (did you see what I did there?). The simplest way to understand the concept is through Pavlov’s dog. Every time he would feed the dog, he will ring a bell to signal that food is to be given. He did this repeatedly until eventually, even when there is no food, just the ring of the bell would make the dog salivate.

Training a sub is essentially like that. I’m not saying that you need to train your sub to be a dog. What we want is for your sub to react CONSISTENTLY to you. When you issue a command or suggestion, it should be good as done.

A simple translation of this concept to the kink is when you use a particular sex toy. For example, a dildo. If you use it frequently enough, it could elicit a desired sexual arousal response. Or even just a simple command. For example, you say “Spread your legs, slave.” Done correctly, just saying these words could trigger your slave to be wet and execute the command instantly. The command is the stimulus.’

Rewards and Punishments

This is still technically part of conditioning your sub but this is where we will delve even deeper. This is what most people think of when you talk about training a sub. It’s about rewards and punishments. It’s about what the dom does that could encourage or discourage a sub’s behavior. This includes EVERYTHING you do. From your facial expressions, body language to the words you use and the way you talk to them. Everything. Our brains are programmed to pick up on patterns very quickly and adapt to them. That is why it’s important that you must be very careful with using rewards and punishments.

For example, you want to train your sub to say “please” and “thank you” when she wants something. When she wants you to bite her neck, and she doesn’t say “please” like how you commanded her to, you can slap her or whip her. Punishment for her non-compliance with your previous instruction. Eventually, she will learn that if she doesn’t say those magic words, she will be met with negative consequences. As such, she will do it permanently for every request from then on.

Just remember though that punishment isn’t always about a “physical punishment” (i.e slapping, whipping). It can be removing a positive thing that the sub likes. For example, if she failed to do your laundry, you can “punish” her by not letting her orgasm for a whole week. In this instance, you removed something that she desires and would cause her distress.

Furthermore, punishment is not the only way you can reinforce the behavior. This is what rewards are for. There are two kinds of rewards: positive and negative. A positive reward is pretty straightforward. You give the sub a smile or a “good job!”. The negative reward is something like this: for example, you give her nipple clamps. These are very uncomfortable for her. But then you say that if she is good and obedient, you will take it off at night. The reward is the comfort she will feel once you remove the object causing her discomfort.

The important thing to remember in all of this is consistency. Consistent actions which let them know what is expected of them and what they can expect from you is the way to do it. If you make use of rewards and punishments correctly, they will do your command immediately even without explicit directions or reminders. You know you’ve trained your sub effectively when you don’t even have to say a single word out loud about it.

Kinds of Training

Play training is a fantasy roleplay exercise. The real goal is to have a hot fun time. You’re not expected to learn anything. This doesn’t mean it’s not important. Having fun is important in power exchange. Just make sure that both of you are on the same page. For example, if you’re training your sub to be a maid then make it clear that you want them to repeat the training every week or whatever you want them to do.

Preference Training

This one pertains to the training that the dom prefers like the specific etiquette, protocol, or rituals that he likes. For example, a sub might have been trained to wait for permission before eating but her new dom finds it annoying. So she must adapt to the preference of the new dom.

Furthermore, the truth is, as doms, we enjoy preference training and we don’t like it if someone else has done the training for us. For example, it’s nice that the sub has already been trained to bring us coffee every morning. But it is better to have a sub that we ourselves have trained to bring coffee in bed every morning and who did everything exactly according to our preferences. If the sub has already been trained to do what you like, it deprives us of the pleasure of conducting the training ourselves and making it more personalized to suit us.

Skill Training

Skill training is acquiring skills that are useful for the dom like cooking or massage.

Insight Training

This is the kind of training that can help someone become fundamentally better at submission.

Subs are called upon to clearly communicate their boundaries and darkest desires. To remain respectful and obey even when the temptation to do otherwise is great. To be transparent about their most vulnerable feelings and reactions. These things are hard to do. These take self-awareness, discipline, sensitivity, and a strong grasp of intimate communication.

So, the core of submission isn’t about memorizing the rituals or positions. It’s about knowing yourself, managing your emotions, and communicating clearly and compassionately–and those skills can be trained.

6 Don’t forget the aftercare

People who are new to BDSM or are just venturing to BDSM must remember this: domination is not about abuse. The goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. You might not believe this but the sub is the one really holding the power in the relationship. She’s the one who WILLINGLY gave you control over her because she trusts you. A good dom knows the sub holds the power because she controls brakes.

When a session is over, regardless of how or why it ended, you must spend some time with your sub. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Your tasks can be tiring, both mentally and physically so you should also set some bonding time to wind down and get some feedback on how to improve on the next round. Build upon every round to get a bit better each time. Because ultimately, it’s not just about how you train your sub but how you improve your relationship with her.

24/7: A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Abrasion: Using something rough (such as sandpaper).

Adult Baby/Diaper Lover (ABDL): Adult babies receive gratification from role-playing an infant (this is known as paraphilic infantilism, a form of ageplay). This can involve submission on the adult baby's part, often to a designated "caregiver", e.g. a daddy dom.

Diaper lovers receive gratification from the wearing and often using diapers. Whilst these two paraphilias are distinct, it is common that a person who enjoys one will also enjoy the other to some degree.

Aftercare: The time after a BDSM scene or play session in which the participants calm down, discuss the previous events and their personal reactions to them, and slowly come back in touch with reality.

BDSM often involves an endorphin high and very intense experience, and failure to engage in proper aftercare can lead to sub drop (See Drop below) as these return to more everyday levels.

In some BDSM relationships, such as D/s, aftercare may involve the Dominant caring for the submissive if physical pain was inflicted, such as applying baby oil to areas that were struck during play.

Auctioned off: Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

Bad pain: Good pain and bad pain are terms used lightheartedly by BDSM practitioners, signifying that whilst BDSM may include an element (often quite pronounced) consensual pain, there is a purpose to it, and some pain is consented to and accepted whilst other pain is not.

"Bad pain" is pain which is outside hard limits, non-mutual or non-valued, not wished for, and of limited or no value in this context.

Good pain and bad pain refer to pleasant vs. unpleasant pain. As a "vanilla" example, imagine soreness after a good workout at the gym versus the pain of stubbing your toe. Author Jay Wiseman suggests a correlation between perception of "bad pain" during BDSM play and subsequent injury.

Bastinado: The act of whipping the sub's feet, usually the sub would be tied up to restrict movement as the torture is being inflicted; part of impact play.

BDSM: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism: a combined acronym often used as a catchall for anything in the kink scene.

Bondage: Acts involving the physical restraint of a partner. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however, it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Bottom: One who receives physical sensation from a top in a scene; the receiving partner.

Breast bondage: The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge.

Breast torture: Torture of the female breasts.

Breath control play: The dominant controls the submissive's breathing.

Butt plug: Much like a dildo, but pear-shaped with a flared base. The flared base prevents the plug from being lost in the anal cavity; the pear shape helps hold the plug in place. They come in a variety of sizes; some can vibrate. Sometimes used in Petplay, with a tail attached.

Chastity: A form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby a person is prevented from access to, or stimulation of, their genitals, save at the whim or choice of their partner, usually by means of a device (called a chastity belt or sometimes for men a cock cage) that prevents contact and is controlled by means of a lock by the partner.

Cock and ball torture (CBT): Torture of the male genitals for sexual gratification.

Collared: Submissive or slave who is owned, usually (but certainly not exclusively) in a loving intimate relationship. A dominant may have multiple persons collared.

Also: a pup's status, as differentiated from a "stray".

Collaring: The formal acceptance by a dominant, of a sub's service, or the "ownership" of a pup by a Master or Trainer. Also, the ceremony when a dominant commits to a sub (much like a wedding or other contract).

Consent: Mutual agreement to the terms of a scene or ongoing BDSM relationship.

Consensual non-consensuality: A mutual agreement that within defined limits, consent will be given as read without foreknowledge of the exact actions planned. As such, it is a show of trust and understanding and usually undertaken only by partners who know each other well or otherwise agree to set clear safe limits on their activities.

Contract: A written-out agreement between the dominant and submissive. It can be either formal or non and is usually written after much negotiation by the dominant and the sub, outlining what structure, guidelines, rules, and boundaries to the relationship are agreed upon by the two. It is not legally binding.

DDLG: Daddy Dom/Little Girl, a subset of Dominance and submission. The name of this lifestyle refers to the nurturing relationship between parent/child or teacher/student but does not imply that ageplay is involved.

DM: Dungeon Monitor, a person who supervises the interactions between participants at a play party or dungeons to enforce house rules – essentially, the bouncer of a BDSM event. They sometimes also play cruise director to keep/get the party going.

Dom: A person who exercises control (from dominant-contrast with sub).

Dominant: A person who exercises control – contrast with submissive.

Domme: Woman who exercises control (see also Dominatrix). Often associated with a particular brand of traditional femininity; many younger female dominants prefer to use the nongendered terms dom/dominant.

Drop A feeling of deflation or slight depression that comes after a kinky scene, party, convention, or conference. Usually caused by the removal of positive stimuli and the endorphins they produce either from play or being surrounded by others within the kinky community. It can happen to kinksters of any role.

D/s: Dominance/submission: play or relationships that involve an erotic power exchange.

Dungeon: Usually referring to a room or area with BDSM equipment and play space.

Edgeplay: SM play that involves a chance of harm, either physically or emotionally.
Because the definition of edgeplay is subjective to the specific players (i.e., what is risky for me may not be as risky for you), there is not a universal list of what is included in edgeplay.

However, there are a few forms of play that almost always make the cut, including fireplay, gunplay, rough body play, breath play, and bloodplay.

Sometimes used in reference to erotic sexual denial. (see also chastity).
Electro-Play: The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Endorphin rush: Endorphins are the chemicals responsible for the "high" people often get from activities such as sex, or high-risk sports, and is the body's response to heightened or intense experiences of certain kinds. BDSM activities, especially those incorporating a degree of sensation play often cultivate the endorphin rush as part of their "payoff" to the sub.

But also see aftercare for the care needed to ensure that sub drop does not occur afterward as the body returns to normal.

Erotic sexual denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity. (see also tease and denial and chastity).

Erotic spanking: The act of spanking another person for the sexual arousal or gratification of either or both parties.

Fetish: A specific obsession or delight in one object or experience.

Figging: Insertion of a piece of peeled ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Financial Domination:(also known as money slavery or findom) is a sexual fetish, in a particular practice of dominance and submission, where a submissive (money slave, finsub, paypig, human ATM, or cash piggy) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (money mistress, findomme, money domme or cash master).

Fire play: Using fire as an implement of BDSM. This can mean blowing the heat of a light torch onto a bottom, lighting pools of fuel on the bottom's skin, lighting flash cotton on the bottom, and other creative uses of heat.

Cupping is usually considered an offshoot of fireplay, although in sensation it is closer to the use of clips and clamps. Usually considered edgeplay.

Fisting: Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Genitorture: Torture of the genitals.

Golden showers: Urinating on, or being urinated on by, another person.

Gorean: A subgenre based upon the rituals and practices created within the world of Gor in the erotic novels by John Norman.

Gorean culture is based on stereotypical gender-based roles which are considered by many to be in conflict with BDSM, where there is freedom for either gender to act in any role (Male/Female as either Dom/sub or Top/bottom).

Gunplay: The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Handkerchief codes: Visible signs to indicate to others your area of BDSM interest; a color is worn on the left indicates a top, on the right indicates a bottom.

Hard limits: What someone absolutely will not do; non-negotiable (as opposed to "soft limits").

Harem: A group of subs serving one or more dominants.

Hogtie: To tie up a submissive's wrists and ankles, fastening them together
behind their back using physical restraints such as rope or cuffs.

Impact play: Part of sensation play, dealing with the impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism: Parent/child or parent/baby role-playing.

K-9 roleplay: Animal roleplay where the animal being roleplayed is a dog.

Kinbaku: Also known as Shibari which literally means "the beauty of tight binding".

Kinbaku is a Japanese style of bondage or BDSM which involves tying up the bottom using simple yet visually intricate patterns, usually with several pieces of thin rope.

Knife play: Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without cutting the skin. Fear of the weapon plays a large part in the stimulus of the bottom.

Limits: What someone will not participate in (hard limits), or is hesitant to do so (soft limits).

Masochism: Act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

Masochist: A person who enjoys pain, usually sexually.

Master/slave: A consensual relationship in which one person receives control (the Master) when given it by another (the slave) for mutual benefit.

An extreme form of D/s which usually involves a 24/7 relationship rather than a short period of time (a scene or perhaps a weekend.) The slave will usually accept a collar from their Master to show that they are owned.

MDLB: Mommy Domme/Little Boy, the female-led version of DDLG, a subset of Dominance and submission. While this lifestyle may or may not involve ageplay, the name refers to the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Mummification: Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Body temperature (maintained to an extent by movement) may also be affected so a warm environment and warm aftercare may be important.

Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness, and incorporated with sensation play.

Munch: A group of people that are into BDSM meeting at a "vanilla" place in street-appropriate attire. Sometimes this is a club. You might see an announcement like, "This weekend's munch is at Denny's".

Needle play: Temporary piercings done with sterile needles of varying gauges, usually only for the duration of a scene.

Nose torture: A traditionally Japanese form of BDSM often involving nose hooks.

OTK: Over the knee (spanking).

Painslut: A person who enjoys receiving a heavy degree of pain but may or may not necessarily enjoy submitting.

Pegging: A sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

Play party: A BDSM event involving many people engaging in scenes.

ProDom: Male professional dominant (charges money).

ProDomme: Female professional dominant (charges money).

Ponygirl or Ponyboy: Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth bit and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Pup-play: Sub is made to act like a puppy. Sub barks, whines, eats from a bowl, etc. Such play is sexual but also focuses on the altered mind-space of bottom/pup and the complete dominance of his/her Trainer/Master.

Pussy torture: Torture of the female genitals for sexual gratification.

RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

Rape fantasy, ravishment: The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Rhaphanidosis: Insertion of a piece a radish into the anus.

Rope-bondage: Way to tie someone with ropes. Comes from Japanese kinbaku-bi.

Sadism: The act of inflicting pain.

Sadist: A person who enjoys inflicting pain, usually sexually.

Safe, sane, and consensual – (SSC) a credo used by some BDSM practitioners to determine the appropriateness of BDSM play. Sometimes contrasted to RACK (risk-aware consensual kink).

Safeword – A codeword a bottom can use to force BDSM activity to stop – used especially in scenes that may involve consensual force.

Scat play: Feces play.

Scene: A time period of BDSM activities. Also used to refer to the BDSM community ("the Scene").

Sensation play: BDSM play where the intent is to push people's sensory limits, thus exploring texture, sensory deprival, through to whips, flagellation, and edgeplay.

Service-oriented submission: A person who enjoys performing a service in a sexual or BDSM environment.

Slave: A person (usually submissive) who consensually gives up total control of one or more aspects of their life to another person (their Master).

Soft limits: Something that someone is hesitant to do or is nervous to try. They can sometimes be talked into the activity, or preferably it may be negotiated at a trial or beginner level into a scene.

Sub drop: A physical condition, often with cold- or flu-like symptoms, experienced by a submissive after an intense session of BDSM play. This can last for as long as a week and is best prevented by aftercare immediately after the session.

Submissive, or "sub" for short: Person that gives up control either all the time or for a specified period (not to be confused with "bottom" or "slave").

Subspace: A "natural high" that a sub (or bottom) gets during a scene or when being controlled. The sub may feel disconnected from time, space, and/or their body, and may have limited ability to communicate.

It is critical that a Dom(me)/top take responsibility for the sub/bottom and be aware of their sub's well being if they are in subspace. Long-term dominance and submission relationships without impact play may alternatively define subspace as 'a mental state where the submissive feels a deep emotional resonance or connection with the dom'.

Switch: Someone who likes being both top and bottom, either in one scene or on different occasions.

Taken in hand: 24/7 Male dominance in monogamous marriage, with or without BDSM aspects.

Tease and denial: Keeping another person aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict, and heightened sensitivity.

Tit torture: The act of causing deliberate physical pain to the breasts and nipples.

TNG: The Next Generation. A tag commonly used by groups and organizations which cater to younger people involved in BDSM typically ages 18–35.

Top: Person "doing the action" (contrast with bottom – the person receiving the action). Not to be confused with Dom which is the person who "puts the scene together".

A male Dom could enjoy CBT and tell a sub what they are to do. In this case, the Top is the submissive (following the direction of the Dom) and the bottom is the Dom (receiving the attention of the top).

Topping from the bottom: A bottom who purports to be a submissive but who nonetheless wants to direct the top.

TPE or Total Power Exchange: A relationship where the dominant or owner has complete authority and influence over the submissive's life, making the majority of decisions.

Training: Either referring to a short period of time, or an ongoing effort of the dominant teaching the submissive how to behave for their own preferences.

Vanilla: Someone who is not into BDSM. Alternatively, sexual behavior which does not encompass BDSM activity. The term is sometimes used in a derogatory sense.

Warm-up: The period at a beginning of a BDSM scene which involves gentle play, allowing the bottom to begin endorphin production, enter subspace, and undergo physiological changes (such as bringing fluids to the surface before impact play) that will accommodate more intense play.

WIITWD: What It Is That We Do. A broad term referring to all forms of alternative sexuality.

Wax play: The top drips hot wax on the bottom.

Some people in the BDSM community begin dominant terms with an upper case, for example, Top, Master, Dom, Domme, etc., as well as to begin submissive terms with a lower case, even were normally incorrect, chiefly in acronyms and abbreviations, such as D/s for Dom/sub. Some extend this to honorifics and capitalization: for example, Master Rob's slave linda may refer to him as Sir and herself as i (or as "this slave", restricted from referring to themselves in the first person). Others are highly dismissive of this "slashy speak."

In addition, high protocol refers to groups or individuals that adhere to strict roles and role-based rules of conduct, whereas low protocol refers to groups or individuals that are more relaxed. Old Guard now usually refers to high protocol groups, particularly gay leather BDSM groups; people who use this phrase may be romanticizing a perception of leather history.

To be a great Dom and have a strong, healthy, relationship it’s imperative to make honesty the focal point of every interaction you have.

The most common reason most relationships, vanilla, and kink alike fail is a lack of honesty. Just about every single movie or TV show with relationship drama could have been completely avoided if the couple had just been honest from outset. Unfortunately, it seems the “only as honest as I need to be” mentality is seen as the standard.

If you want to be a great Dom, you need to make honesty your number one priority.

Honesty is Hard

Honesty is hard and sometimes terrifying. It’s always easier to choose not to tell a partner something you know will upset them. What they don’t know can’t hurt ‘em, right?

This choice runs the risk of turning a small issue into a large one. It risks you losing trust, and can end relationships. No matter how crafty you think you are, the truth has a way of coming out.

It takes bravery to be truly honest. It takes confidence. As a man, especially as a Dom, it is your job to have the balls to step up.

For the Vanillas and the Freaks Alike

While honesty and communication is crucial for all relationships, it’s much easier to avoid it in the vanilla world. The risk seems smaller, and the possibility of getting away withholding seems greater. Despite this, if you’re in a vanilla relationship don’t think you’re exempt.

For those in the BDSM world, honesty and communication are absolutely crucial. It is impossible to play around with a D/s power dynamic, or explore any kink adequately without it. If you are not capable of telling someone you love, or desire, something they should hear, even though it may ruin your chances with them, then you are not qualified to call yourself a Dom.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Integrating Honesty with Dominance

Most good Doms will tell you they are very honest with their subs. And while I’m not saying they’re mistaken, I don’t believe most of them take it far enough. If your goal is just to be a good Dom, then you need to re-evaluate your choices in life. If you’re going to choose to commit to something your goal should be to be great. To be the best possible version of yourself you can possibly be.

In order to have a good scene, a Dom needs to be pushing the limits of their subs. This doesn’t mean they need to be doing anything extreme, or even doing anything they haven’t already done before. It’s about pushing her to the point of full emotional experience. Being put into a state where she is experiencing every moment fully, without her mind being splintered in many different directions.

Some call this subspace, some call it zen, some call it the zone.

In order to do this, a Dom must be paying attention to the current emotional and physical state of their sub. You need to be reading her body language without hesitation or misunderstanding. To do this properly, you need to be able to fully trust the verbal and physical feedback you are getting is entirely accurate. If you’re not operating in a place of pure honesty, this is simply not possible.

Accomplishing this takes more than agreeing to be honest. You need to set the tone and dynamic of your relationship to be built on the idea of honest interactions.

To give you an idea of what I mean when I say many good Dom’s believe they are being honest, but aren’t taking it far enough:

A common rule Doms will give their sub is to always address them as Sir, Master, Daddy, or something of the like. This is a mistake.

If you can’t push honesty to its absolute limits you have no place playing around in this world. You will never be great, and you will risk leaving a trail of wrecked, angry, broken subs in your wake.

Honesty is More than Words

It took me far longer to learn this lesson than I would like to admit. It doesn’t matter if you repeatedly tell a sub something if your actions contradict your words. That is not honesty, it’s barely halfway there.

The most common time people in the BDSM world run into this issue is when it comes to being polyamorous. The man will tell a new crush explicitly that they are poly, and that they see other girls. Despite having reservations about this, most likely because she’s new to the dynamic, she agrees to give it a chance.

Despite having been honest in their words, the Dom will go on to see this girl exclusively, never talk about other girls, other dates, or anything of the sort. He has told her he is poly but has acted entirely monogamously, not wanting to upset her, make her jealous, or whatever other fears he has.

Once the time comes when the Dom finally does go out with another girl or brings it up, serious problems arise. The sub has issues with it, is jealous, is insecure. Despite having been “clear” when you met, the initial stages of the relationship were based on her not experiencing the poly dynamic at all. She made a choice to commit to you, based on the experience you gave her. Changing it entirely on her, on the grounds of “well I said it” isn’t an honest approach.

On the plus side, you will be shocked to find far more often than not the honest approach has the results you hoped for. Telling them what you think they want to hear is always a mistake, always.

Having a woman address you as Sir is a sign of respect. A sign of submission and of a power dynamic hierarchy. You should only ever want to hear this when you deserve their respect. If they do not feel at that moment you deserve to be placed above them, it would be a lie for them to say the words.

On top of this, you want to afford your sub the freedom to choose to break your rules. They will be punished as a result, but that is always their choice to make. But you need to know if they are breaking your rule out of rebellion, or out of lack of respect for your authority. This is one reason you should be very careful when making rules.

Use Honesty as a Weapon

Honesty doesn’t have to be all hard work. It’s the best weapon for any man, but especially those who aren’t extremely confident being vocal while in a scene. Many men are quiet during sex or don’t know what to say, causing them to resort to repeating lines from the past, or sounding like an actor in some porno from the early ’90s.

Instead of stressing about what to say, just lean on honesty. When you have the notion to say something but aren’t sure what, stop thinking and say the absolute most honest thing you can possibly think of at that moment.

Instead of saying “yeah baby, suck it”, you’ll have more effect blurting out your most honest thoughts “you look so unbelievably sexy right now on your knees. I can’t wait to watch you gag on my dick.”

You’re typically having to ignore these thoughts to try and think of something to say. Instead, just say what’s on your mind “oh my god I can’t believe you’re here in my bed. I have jerked off thinking about this moment for months.”

Honesty is hot. And when your words come from a place of honesty, they will be heard and accepted. No girl has ever been impressed by hearing a man tell her she looks hot. But she will find herself smiling about that guy who told her he had to come over to tell her she’s the prettiest thing he has seen all day.

One Last Tip

In an article Words Matter, Speak with Purpose, they talked about the power of words, and the importance of choosing the best words for the situation. This may seem to be at odds with the honesty approach, but they actually join together beautifully.

A good Dom is always prepared. Part of this preparation can be planning wordings for future use. Here’s how it works:

You know of a scenario that will be happening to you in the near future.
You know from experience how you will likely be feeling at that moment.
You can plan a powerful grouping of words fitting that feeling you anticipate.
When the moment comes, and you feel as you had anticipated, you can deliver your planned wording with full honesty at the moment.

The catch is your planning will go entirely to waste if you don’t encounter the situation, or feel differently than you had anticipated when it comes. Don’t worry about it, just abandon the plan and default back to honesty instead.

If you make it a point to make your interactions with your subs, and potential new subs, you will see a marked improvement in the quality of your relationships and your skills as a Dom.

It’s scary, but it’s easier than you think, and it will benefit every single person, regardless of circumstance.

by domcoaching 

One of the most common topics dominant men want to talk to me about is the rules for their submissive, more specifically what rules to create, what rules to avoid, and how to enforce them.

The entire concept of the D/s dynamic is a relationship built around a ruleset. Some of these rules are inherent to the dynamic, while the others are enforced as a reaction to it. It’s crucial to understand the goal of these rules to avoid making mistakes along the way.

I am a proponent of honest dynamics. What I mean by this is I, personally, am only interested in truly honest reactions and interactions with a sub. To push a sub’s limits, you need to have enough information to know exactly where her limits lie, and how you can push on them in a positive, beneficial manner. The more information you have, the more able you will be to accomplish this and the greatest source of information from your sub will always be interactions, honest to the core.

This mentality is in direct conflict with one of the most common rules enforced by Doms new and old: forcing your sub to always refer to you as Sir (Master, Lord… whatever). My honest interaction mentality is my absolute number one rule. This means I only want to be referred to as Sir, if she feels at that moment I deserve that respect. If she doesn’t feel that way, then I don’t deserve to hear it.

What rules to make as a Dom, and what rules to avoid

When choosing rules to enforce, you need to plan ahead. Creating a rule that you can’t actually enforce, or a rule that is impossible to follow undermines your dominance.

For example, what about a rule where your sub is required to strip to her panties as soon as she enters your home? This is another common rule Doms will come up with, but what happens when she comes over with her mom? Or when you have some vanilla friends over?

If your sub has to try and decide if you would want her to break your own rule or not, the rule is a failure. Rules and orders shouldn’t leave any room for interpretation or guesswork.

For this reason, I suggest you are very careful about creating any persistent rules. Before you do you want to carefully think through three things:

What are all the possible scenarios in which this rule may be obsolete or impossible to follow?

Would this rule be more effective if it was implemented on a per-scene basis?

Could this rule force dishonest interactions?

Going back to our first example, of having them always address you as Sir, this rule has possible issues with both number 1 and number 3 on that list. Instead, I make it clear to my subs that it pleases me greatly to be addressed with respect. If I am doing my job, deserving of their respect, instilling a genuine desire to please me, then I will always be addressed as I desire, regardless of any rules.

The only persistent rules I have with my sub are as follows:

She is never allowed to remove her collar without permission.

She is never allowed to enter my bed without permission.

If she is put on her knees, or all fours, she isn’t allowed to rise, without permission.

That’s it. All other rules are given with a time constraint on them.

Note: I’m not mentioning any relationship rules we have, just the ones related to the BDSM side of our relationship. The details of how you run your relationship will be tied into the BDSM roles you take on, but they shouldn’t be confused as being the same. If you are interested in the rules and concepts used for managing a poly relationship, let me know.

Rules for BDSM scenes

When it comes to rules for a scene, the only limit is your imagination. Since a scene is something you have nearly complete control over, you don’t have to be nearly as vigilant with the rules you put into play. As long as the rule won’t undermine your authority, make logical sense, and is created with a purpose, you’re good to go.

Common BDSM rules:

Enforced eye line: Your sub must look straight ahead, and only straight ahead, at all times.

I consider this rule to be a discipline/mental blindfold. Instead of her vision being passively entirely restricted, it’s partially restricted but requires great effort and control. If you push her hard enough, her eye line will almost certainly break, forcing punishment.

Speech restriction: Your sub is not allowed to speak unless spoken to.

This one is very common and is used in the majority of BDSM scenes. Just be sure she’s clear this rule never usurps her need to speak a safeword or to voice a legitimate concern. It might seem obvious, but you never want to put a sub into a position where she has to choose between her own safety and feeling she will be a disappointment.

A variation of speech restriction also used, sometimes in perpetuity, are banned words. While some Doms simply have words they dislike to hear, I tend to use this as a tool to correct a sub’s poor grammar. Specific common mistakes will be banned, speaking them will incur punishment. For rules like this, the punishment should be known in advance, for example, Any time you say “anyways” you will get 11 strikes with the paddle.

Procedure: Your sub must remember, and obey, a set of commands.
The procedure is an element of play I don’t use enough of myself. As the name implies, it has your sub follow set procedures based on input. The most simple example of this is using hand signals and having your sub memorize a series of positions.

Some Doms take the procedural play to the extreme, with great success. If you are more of a task-minded person or were in the military, this might be an angle for you to explore in detail.

Vocal Queues: Your sub must respond, vocally, to specific actions.

The most common example of this is having your sub count strokes in impact play. It’s also common to have them thank you for specific actions. For example, any time I let you touch me, I expect you to thank me.

Any other rules you want to enforce are up to you. Just be very sure the rule will add to the scene, instead of hampering it. If you do feel a rule is causing friction in a scene, abolish it. It’s never wrong to make changes to things not working as you had intended.

How to give orders to your sub

As a Dom, every choice you make should be made for a reason. If you’re just doing things without thought, simply because it seems hot, or it’s something you saw in a video, you’re setting yourself up to make mistakes, failure, or inconsistency. As we learned in grade four physics: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Your job as a Dom is to focus on the reactions first. Every choice you make should be made in an effort to emotionally manipulate your sub in the desired direction.

When giving an order you should follow these guidelines:

Every order should have an intended result.
Every order should be perfectly clear, without any need for interpretation.
Every order should be framed to fit the scene and the dynamic.
Every order should be spoken clearly, with authority.
If you want to be a great Dom, your orders should never be two dimensional. Take this as an example:

I want you to strip for me.

That on its own seems like a perfectly fine order. It’s simple, and the intended result is having her rendered nude. Every Dom reading this has given this very order many times without thinking twice. But if you want to be the best Dom you can be, you need to go deeper than this.

Having her naked is a physical reaction. As I have mentioned countless times before, sex (and BDSM) is almost entirely mental. When you give an order (or make any choice) it should be with an intended emotional reaction in mind. Remember: your job is emotional manipulation. She can get naked on her own any time.

The more you push, and the deeper your sub sinks into a scene, the less lucid her thoughts will be. It’s possible to put her into a state where lucid thoughts are nearly impossible. On top of this, any order you give should leave absolutely zero room for interpretation.

The order “strip” seems basic, but it’s actually missing a lot of information. Instead, this order should be framed differently:

I want you to stand up, stand facing me in front of the fireplace, and remove your shirt.

After having her remove all her clothing, the physical result is identical. But instead of her feeling no different, only now being naked, your series of most basic orders have removed any semblance of “free will” from the order and has forced her into a position capable of making only a single choice: to obey or disobey.

It’s these little details which separate a man dabbling in kink, and a Dom transcending typical sexuality. Anyone can try to tell someone to do something they think is hot. To be a great Dom you should be giving orders with a purpose, and you should frame them in a way you will enjoy as well. While everything we do as Doms is focused on the ultimate pleasure of our subs, you should always find a way to package what you do in a way you will enjoy to your core. It comes back to the wants versus needs. You give her what she needs, in the way you want it.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

by domcoaching 

Did your girl ask you to dominate her, but you fear you’re going to hurt her, or don’t know where to start?

This is, bar none, the most common reason men will seek out advice and coaching for BDSM. To one degree or another, the majority of women in the world are sexually submissive. The ones who crave to be dominated will at some point tell their man it’s what they want. They may say it in little hints, asking you to tie them up or choke them. They may come right out and say they want you to dominate them, force them to serve, and please you, as your sub.

Some men will tie up their girl, thinking that’s what they wanted, and maybe crank up the dirty talk. Other’s won’t even get that far. But just being tied to the bed is not what she needs or wants, she needs you to dominate her, emotionally and physically.

It’s a Lot Like Roleplay

If you’re anything like me, I’ve never really gotten too excited about the idea of roleplay. I have a hard time enjoying myself if I’m too busy pretending to be something else. But the principles of a Dominant/Submissive power dynamic are still based on the same ideals.

A good BDSM D/s scene is the beautiful contrast between reality and perception.

The reality: without any caveats, the reality of almost any D/s scene is the understanding that the submissive has the ultimate power and control. She gets to choose to give up her control to you, she has the power and ability to stop a scene if it’s not what she wants (this is where safewords come into play), and every choice you make as a Dom is made to be the best possible positive choice for her, your dynamic, and your relationship.

In other words, it’s a healthy relationship in which both of you are working together towards the same goal. It’s a relationship based on trust and respect.

The Perception: This is what I commonly refer to as the frame. The frame we build, the scene we set, is the exact opposite of the reality. This is where the overlap with roleplay begins. While you are acting like yourself, the frame you build is that of you holding utter, ultimate, control. It’s about using her as a toy to please you. The frame puts you above her in all aspects, physically and emotionally.

Obviously it’s only possible to achieve this level of power-exchange on a constant healthy level if both of these things are in balance. If you make the scenes and choices purely about you, your desires as a Dom, then you are walking a dangerous road to failure.

You’re Afraid of Hurting Her

Most men balk at the idea of hitting, slapping, choking, ragdolling their woman for fear of hurting them. If this is you, congratulate yourself. Causing pain, fear, anxiety, and distress to someone you love goes against everything you should hold dear. And this is the way it should always be, for reality. It’s your job as a man, a Dom, and a partner to protect and encourage your woman.

But when it comes to the frame, the rules of reality no longer apply. When a woman asks or begs, you to hurt her, or choke her, or pull her hair, then the best choice you can make, for her, is to give her what she desires in that scene. The line you have to walk is giving her enough punishment to sate, without causing any serious, lasting harm.

Where this line is drawn will be different for every person, in every relationship. Many girls don’t want to be bruised or marked in any way. Some want nothing more than to feel sore for weeks to come. It’s up to you to make sure you are following the two rules of sadism in BDSM:

No matter what she thinks, or says, she wants, it’s your job to know when to say no. If a woman asks you to punch her in the face and leave her with a black eye (this is an extreme example), chances are she’s caught up in the moment, and giving in to this request would negatively affect her life (and possibly yours) in the days to follow. It’s never okay to cause lasting future harm for current gratification.

It has to be about her, always.

The second rule is the only way to understand the line between kinky sex play, and domestic abuse. If you slap your woman because nothing you could do would turn her on more at the moment, then you are making a great choice. If you hit your woman because you’re upset, and are blowing off steam, that is abuse, pure and simple.

Despite being the Dom and being in control, you never get to give in to your own emotions and act purely on your own desires. Playing with a sub is not about you, it’s about her. It’s about giving her what she needs, and having the strength to take it as far as you need, and no farther.

Humans Are Tough Animals

All men are capable of terrifying destructive power. All men are capable of killing another human with their bare hands. All men have the ability to take a scene too-far and cause serious trauma. This is why all men fear hurting their subs.

What you need to understand is that the human body is incredibly resilient. With just a few pointers, it’s easy to avoid ever going too far hurting someone, without having to whimp out, and not give her the punishment she craves.

Start low and slow, and ramp-up. If you don’t know how aggressive you need to be, start low and slowly increase the intensity until you reach the desired level.
Choose your spots carefully. The fleshy part of the ass can take an incredible amount of punishment, but skin over the bone can not. You should never be hitting someone on the spine, the back of the head, the eyes. You should never be using a solid, hard, toy on ribs.

The goal is to punish her, not to destroy her.

It’s better, and safer, to increase duration rather than intensity. If you want to spank your woman until she cries, you don’t need to start swinging as hard as you can. Instead, you can just find a good solid slap, and continue until the pain grows unbearable. The more you spank the same spot, the more it’s going to hurt. By the end, you can be swinging softer than you were in the middle, but causing twice as much agony.

You want to be smooth. When you’re pulling hair, you’re grabbing it near the base and applying smooth constant pressure. Healthy hair can support the entire weight of a human body, but any jerking or twisting can have terrible results. Smooth and constant.

Never use any toys on the face. Be careful with slapping the face as well, it’s very easy to miss, hitting cheekbones, jaws, or eyes. In addition, a face-slap has far more of an emotional reaction than you may expect. Sometimes it will be negative, others positive.

Safe Words Will Set You Free

Finally, you want to embrace the glory of safe words. The standard safewords are ‘yellow’ and ‘red’.

Yellow: This means she’s reaching the end of her rope, no longer enjoying this particular sensation, and doesn’t want it to continue.

When you get a yellow, it’s your job to understand exactly why she safe-worded, and then move on with the scene. Always choose something contrasting to move to. If you’re beating on her ass and she says yellow, start giving her pleasure instead. Reward your subs for saying yellow, if they feel they need to say it, then it’s important you hear it.

Red: This is the vanilla equivalent of ‘No’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Don’t’. A scene ends on red, always.

Chances are, if you’re being a responsible Dom, you will never hear red spoken. But there are situations where it will happen, especially if your sub suffers from anxiety or panic attacks. If you get a red, the only thing left to do is have an honest discussion and provide the amount of comfort she needs. You should never continue a scene after hearing red, and you should probably never consider starting again that same night. Take red very seriously.

If you use these safewords, you can relax knowing they’re your safety net. If your woman asks you to spank her, and once you start she starts to cry and say “no, it hurts, no more, stop” the reality says it’s time to stop, you’ve gone too far. But the frame is different, for many women this is the sexiest part, being forced to take it after it stops being fun, being spanked past the point of tears and sobs.

If you trust your sub and are confident she knows and will use the safewords if she needs them, then her saying “no more, stop, it hurts” is part of the scene. If she actually needs you to stop, she will say yellow. This means what you are doing is correct, you’re hurting her as much as she needs to be hurt at this time.

As with anything in BDSM, everything you have read here is contingent on an extremely large amount of trust and communication with your partner. If she wants to use a safeword but doesn’t out of fear, that’s a very big problem. If you don’t have complete trust between the two of you, you should not be pushing any limits in BDSM, in any way.

Don’t Forget About the Law

The final note is this: everything I have talked about in this article is illegal.

It doesn’t matter if she asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you fill out a contract, explicitly stating exactly what she wants from you. In North America physically attacking another human is illegal. There is no form of consent that can usurp a law.

Let me be perfectly clear: it is absolutely possible for a woman to ask you to beat her, enjoy every second of it, thank you when you are done, and then go to the police and charge you with criminal assault.

For this reason, you need to be careful to never play with anyone you don’t fully trust.

Taking control. Getting what you want. Giving her pleasure while getting your own.

These are all the things you can look forward to when being a dom in the bedroom. Though if you’re a little shy between the sheets, acting dominant with your woman can seem intimidating. Here is how you can be sexually dominant and add some power to your play…

What is the Definition of Sexual Domination?

Sexual domination involves a set of rituals and behaviors where you take control over a submissive other people during sexual play.

The other person is known as a submissive. The relationship between a ‘dom’ (the person in control) and a ‘sub’ (the person being taken control of) is a consensual one that can be as strict as bound by contracts, or as fluid as something you sprinkle onto your regular vanilla sexual programming.

The dom-sub relationship is a subset of the term ‘BDSM’, which stands for bondage, dominance/submission, sadism, masochism. Today, we’re talking about the dom-sub relationship only.

Most Importantly – Get Consent

The dom-sub relationship is all about trust.

Imagine your once-loving husband throws you on the bed, puts his hand across your throat and forcefully tells you how he’s going to take you – scary, huh? This is why you must first get consent from your lady that this is something she wants to try.

Setting the Scene and Your Roles

If dom-sub play is new to your relationship, it’s worth discussing what those roles mean for you both before any action is taken.

Talk about why you want to be a bit more forceful in the bedroom, and be sure to include her in the rationale. Reasons such as, ‘I am so attracted to you that sometimes I just want to tie you down and lick every inch of you until you beg me to make you cum’ make it about her while also introducing your fantasy.

What’s OK? And What’s Not?

Find out how she wants to be dominated too. Does she like to be spanked, tied up, talked dirty to, humiliated, held down… Discussing the many ways you can dominate will help to uncover what is OK and what’s not OK during play. Once you’ve aligned on some acts, then it’s time to talk specifics.

You must have a safe word. A safeword is a term that would not otherwise come up in sex, that once she says it, stops all activity and introduces aftercare. For instance, if you are spanking her and it gets too much, she might shout ‘Pineapple’ and you will immediately stop, cuddle her, and lightly graze the area you’ve been spanking. She will let you know if/when it’s time to start up again.

The #1 rule – If She Says Stop, You Stop!

What are the Dominant Acts?

Some of the ways you can dominate your woman in the bedroom include:

Being firm and assertive with what you’re doing, letting her know you’re the one in charge

Pushing her into position – throwing her on the bed, against the wall, on the floor
Ripping her panties off or to the side to enter her

Talking dirty about what you’re going to do to her and why

Tying her up on the bed (use neckties or silk scarves and don’t tie too tight) and stimulating her without completion

Sensory deprivation, such as an eye mask or gag (use the tie again here, not a ball as these can be swallowed if not used correctly)

Getting her to dress up and ‘act’ for you

Humiliation in the form of spitting, urinating, defecating

Being Dominant Outside the Bedroom

Now that you’ve had your fun in the bedroom (or bar, or office, or car…), it’s important to equalize the roles between yourself and your partner. Not doing so can unbalance the power between you both and create tension in the relationship.

Talk to your partner about what you enjoyed when you were role-playing – be sure to focus on the why. Use language like, ‘I loved it when (I pushed you up against the wall and tore a hole in your panties) because it made me see (the desire that I have for your body).’ Making the reason something about you both encourages her to join you in being dominated again – you desire her and she trusts you, so she may let you have your way with her once more.

When it comes to doing the housework or choosing the television show later that day, though, be sure to ask her opinion and make her feel equal – you’re in charge in the bedroom, but not outside of it if you want the relationship to last.

Remember, like everything in the relationships – communication is key.

If you know 100 percent that the sex you’re having isn’t hurting yourself or others – and that everyone involved (even peripherally) is having fun – then you can feel good about enjoying it!