One might conclude that my attitudes and ideas about D/s are a little different than many of the Dominants that one might encounter. I am of the unpopular opinion that being a Dominant isn't all administered floggings and oral sex from prostrate submissives. In my humble opinion, being Dominant is about being consistently worthy of the respect, admiration, and faith given by the submissives to whom a Dominant is associated.
This is not an easy task because there is no established set of general guidelines for Dominants to follow. Dominant guidelines would also serve as the standard by which submissives could gauge how they are being treated. I am not quite so arrogant as to presume to author a manual for the behavior of Dominants. I can only humbly offer my opinion. I hope to open a dialog to develop a set of Dominant standards that help Dominants grow and protect submissives.
In my opinion, the three tenets of Dominance are these:
Honor (and respect)
Knowledge of the lifestyle, the acts they perform, and of any submissives that Dominant engages in BDSM play
Responsibility
Do what you say and say what you'll do. This is not as easy as it sounds, but it is the bedrock standard by which honor is judged. Think carefully about what you agree to because if you say that is what you will do, then you are honor-bound to do it. No one is perfect, and there are always extenuating circumstances. However, faith is the cornerstone of submission, and each time you don't do what you say, you chip away at the very foundation upon which honor is built.
For me, honor and respect have always been inexorably linked. You cannot have honor unless you respect yourself and others. You cannot honor someone else unless you respect that person, and I choose not to have ongoing relationships with those I do not honor and respect because they must end badly. One objective look at the many facets of our lifestyle makes it clear that drama is a built-in hazard to be avoided where and when you can.
The D/s relationship can take many forms, and innumerable permutations fall underneath the D/s banner. Each D/s player can have a part in defining their particular D/s experience because of the inherent flexibility built into the lifestyle. However, when the element of BDSM is added to the mix, there are many things a Dominant must know about BDSM play and about the individual submissive with whom they are playing, at any given time, if they are to be a safe BDSM practitioner.
To be a safe BDSM practitioner, the following questions should be considered;
1. Do you know that bondage can cause irreparable nerve damage if not executed correctly?
2. Did you know that there is a safe time limit for nipple clips to be applied before risking an unsafe loss of circulation?
3. Do you know where to avoid striking your partner so you don't damage vulnerable organs?
4. Are you equipped with a first aid kit in case of an accident, wherever and whenever you play?
5. Do you know about any medical conditions that could or should alter a scene?
6. Do you know if any of the submissives that you play with have any fears or idiosyncrasies that may cause an unwanted emotional reaction to an element of Domination that you employ?
7. Are you using safe words?
8. Do you get to know the reactions of any given submissive within subspace before you delve into seriously intense play so you KNOW how to keep said submissive safe?
These are not difficult questions for the experienced Dominants. However, one could ask 25 to 50 more questions at this perfunctory level. Put them all together, and there is a lot to know BEFORE the first flogger blow is struck. A good Dominant is a safe Dominant, and a safe Dominant is a learned individual. A Dominant who is not highly educated about each practice they perform with submissives is frankly dangerous and to be avoided.
Read books, go to websites, watch videos, and watch experienced Dominants whenever and wherever you can. Ask questions!! If you are interested in being a truly fine Dom/Domme, bottom, or submit to a fine and experienced Dominant and learn the art of Domination directly from the source. This will afford you some respect and empathy for the submissive. Even the Dominant that is capable of the most sadistic cruelty should display these qualities in abundance.
Just as honor and respect are linked, so too are knowledge and responsibility. I have written repeatedly, in both poetry and prose, that I believe a Dominant has four primary responsibilities for a submissive, which are:
Safety:
Safe Dominance is knowing what and what not to do in a given situation and being prepared when things don't go exactly as planned. It can be as simple as using quick-release knots or having a knife handy in bondage situations. It could be as complex as knowing where the veins and arteries are if you are into cutting. There are simple things that a Dominant must take into account and be responsible for because the submissive is incapable due to the vulnerability he or she has gifted the Dominant. For example, a submissive is cuffed (using the proper equipment to prevent nerve injury) to a St. Andrews cross and goes limp as he or she enters into the legendary "subspace." A Dominant must see this and support this submissive's weight immediately so he or she is not hung there by their wrists, potentially causing injury.
Well-being:
When applied to a D/s relationship, well-being refers to the results of one's Dominance. Well-being refers to whether or not the power gifted to the Dominants is wielded for the submissive's betterment or detriment. Is the submissive happier in their life, better at her job, a better mother, daughter, sibling, and friend as a result of Dominance or not? Security and empowerment look different to every submissive. A Dominant is responsible for finding out what security and empowerment mean to their submissive and providing them so the submissive can grow as a human being and be powerful outside the D/s relationship. The Dominant, who got into the lifestyle because they were insecure and needed to feel better about themselves at the expense of others, will do all they can to prevent the growth and empowerment of a submissive. The healthy submissive needs to extricate themselves from that situation post haste.
Training:
Well-being is about personal growth as a human. Training is about growth as a submissive. Training is the forum in which D/s partners work on their D/s relationship. Training a submissive requires an open line of communication wherein the Dominant listens carefully to a submissive to ascertain his or her needs, wants, hopes, and desires. I know this seems a bit touchy-feely for many of you. However, in my experience, knowing a submissive well, setting clear goals and expectations, and a firm hand mixed with respect and empathy gets results that will, in turn, satisfy the Dominant's wishes and the submissive's need to please.
Pleasure:
Happy people are better at everything they do. Knowing how to please a submissive or withhold pleasure, if that is what works for a particular submissive, will make all the aforementioned labors easier. One of the most common mistakes people make is thinking they know what pleases someone because a particular method worked on someone else.
Talk to the submissive openly. Become an expert on their bodies by finding out everything they know about themselves and using this information to discover things that they don't know. A submissive's pleasure is part of their growth as both a human being and a submissive. At the very least, a Dominant needs to become technically proficient at pleasing each submissive. Passion for pleasing submissives makes this better for both Dominants and submissives.
I welcome comments and suggestions from both Dominants and submissives regarding the ongoing development of Standards of Dominance.