It’s possible to enjoy your kinks in a way that not only makes you a gentleman but makes you more desirable to women.
Everyone has their own kinks, fetishes, fantasies, and desires. The degree in which you push these is the main thing that separates the freaks from the vanilla. The first step in all of this is to accept the kinks you have and begin to be honest and mature about them. If you are unable to have an open discussion about your fetishes, it’s almost certain you are not capable of exploring them safely.
I use the terms kink and fetish often in this article, and figure I should take a second to explain the subtle difference in the terms. A fetish is an abnormal desire (and that doesn’t have to be sexual). Fetish is always specific, while kink in general. Your kink encompasses all of your fetishes, but not the other way around. At the same time, a single fetish can be referred to as a kink.
While kink can come in any form or function, the vast majority of all kinks will either be something you do to someone else or something someone else does to you. Almost all of these scenarios involve a form of power play: someone is in control of the scene, making choices, and ensuring results.
This article is about being a Dom. A Dominant, also known as a Top, is always in control. Make no mistake, being a Dom is a lot of work and responsibility.
Why would any woman want to submit?
When examined on their own, a lot of the specific elements of kink are wrong, offensive, degrading, and/or humiliating. It’s common for people to question the motives and reasons behind doing these things, and these challenges should be encouraged. If you can’t explain why what you are doing is right, and rooted in respect, then you have no business doing these things in the first place.
The concept behind a power-exchange relationship is based on respect and the earnest desire to be a positive, healthy, mate. Pain, degradation, and humiliation are all tools used for emotional manipulation. When and how you use these tools depends on the reaction and result you intend from your sub.
A true Dom will degrade a sub because he respects them. A Dom sadist will hurt a sub because he loves them. At no point is it about anger, hate, or disgust.
By taking control, you are taking responsibility for the quality of the sex you are having. It is entirely on you for her to have a good time. If you are good at what you do, taking on this burden frees her up to do nothing more than experience and enjoy. She can entirely shut off her brain, and submit.
The truth of submission is in her submitting to herself, letting her need for control go and becoming entirely free. This amount of trust is not something to take lightly, if it scares you you should consider doing kinky things with your partner, but not going as far as to think of yourself as a Dom.
The power paradox
The fundamental concept around a Dominant & submissive relationship (D/s) is that the dominant is in control. They make the choices, they give the orders, and they deliver the punishments when appropriate.
The paradox is that even in the most extreme D/s relationships, the sub has the ultimate power. It is always up to her what is unacceptable, she always has the final say as to what you can or cannot do with or to her. The only choice a sub has to make in a full power exchange relationship is continuing to choose to give away her control and power. Make no mistake, no matter what the dynamics of your relationship this ultimate control must always be willfully given.
Mistakes are unacceptable
As a Dom, it is your job to be confidently in control of the situation at all times. You need to adopt the ideology that mistakes are unacceptable. This seems a contradiction, as no one ever intends to make a mistake, but somethings should not be done in practice until you are confident you can accomplish them with skill and precision. For example, you do not learn how to land an airplane through trial and error.
The job of a good Dom is to be pushing the limits and boundaries of his sub, without ever going too far and breaking them. You want to push them as hard as you can, with them yearning to come back and see you again when you are finished. If they don’t want to come back, you did not do your job well.
Just about every aspect of D/s and kink is dangerous, either physically or mentally. Just because you see something hot in a video doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to pull it out in the middle of a scene. The best way to ensure you don’t make any mistakes is to have an honest and open line of communication with your sub, long before playtime ever starts.
Honesty is not optional
When I say honestly, I don’t mean you don’t tell any big lies, I mean brutal, stark, brazen honesty.
You need to be honest with yourself: You need to know who you are, what you want, what you need, and what you don’t.
You need to be honest with your sub: You need to accurately relay what you want and need from them, and what you are capable of giving to them in return. It is never okay to tell them what you think they want to hear, you need to tell them only the truth, no matter how difficult it may be.
You need to ensure your sub is honest with you: It’s not enough to hear your sub tell you something, and then go on your merry way. You need to be sure what they are telling you is the truth. Breaking a sub’s limits by doing only what they said they wanted will leave them as hurt and broken as if you did what they said they didn’t.
It’s up to you to ensure you are working with accurate information.
I am not trying to say that a sub will lie to you, sure some may, but more often than not the sub will simply be ignorant of their own limits, needs, and desires. This isn’t an insult, it’s often impossible to know how you will react to a situation until you are in it. It’s not their fault, but it is always up to you to get it correct, regardless of what they might believe or have said.
When something does go wrong, it’s on you to handle it like a man. It’s your job to make sure they are calm, safe, and healthy and to discuss what just happened. You need to accept and own up to any of your own faults, and you need to provide boundless support and compassion. You should not expect to continue having fun that night, or possibly longer, depending on what she needs. This is your penance for the mistake, and you are never allowed to forget what is most important in all of this:
Everything is about her
Have no illusions: a Dom man should always be a gentleman first. While it is you making all choices and holding all control, you need to understand that everything you do is for and about her. Every choice you make needs to be the best choice for her, often this requires you to be selfless if you can’t handle that this dynamic is not for you.
For a sub to give away all control and power, they need to trust you and your choices implicitly. To gain this level of trust you need to prove, with every choice you make, that she will be rewarded for putting her trust in you. Everything you do should be done for a reason, and that reason should always be positive for your pet.
Have pride and show no regrets
At the onset of this article, I claimed that your kinks can make you more attractive to women. The key in this is you first have to be a good man, and good at what you do. If you are a Dom you need to be confident you are a good Dom, you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do.
If this is true, you are capable of showing pride and confidence in your ability as a Dom, and through that gain inherit respect as a man and a lover. You should never hide from your perversions, you should always be proud. This doesn’t mean you should advertise it, but when the topic comes up, or the moment is correct to bring it up, you have the ability to ooze confidence along with intrigue and appeal.
Most men are too afraid to talk about sex, at all. By you saying, earnestly, “I am sexually dominant” you have created a line of conversation too appealing to ignore. By having the ability to answer any of her questions (when in doubt, be honest) you will become irresistible to a woman who shares your kinks.
If a woman can describe you as intriguing, exciting, and confident, you are doing very well. Obviously your kink will deter some women, but this shouldn’t bother you. Any woman who is turned off by your honest self is clearly not a fit for you. Be polite, do not attack or offend, and move on.
Final Random Toy Tips
If you start to take your kink seriously, you are going to end up with an assortment of toys, tools, and props. Treat this with respect, and follow these tips:
Know how to use your toys properly, their limits, and all applicable safety measures.
Clean all toys before and after every use.
Keep toys organized and stored properly, like a mechanic’s tools. They are not all thrown into a pile somewhere.
Keep all locks locked (including handcuffs) at all times. This way you will always be sure you have the keys before using the item.
Don’t hide your toys away. If you are proud of what you do, you will have no reason to hide your tools. At the same time, you don’t see a mechanic storing his wrenches on the mantle. Have pride, but don’t flaunt.
A final note: if you are doing anything kinky or even remotely dangerous, be sure to have a safe word. The majority of the kink community uses Yellow (for slow down, ease off) and Red (for stop right now, this is bad).
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3 hours ago. Wednesday, February 11, 2026 at 4:51 PM
Obedience Training is comprised of several parts. It is a goal, an Engine and a Tool all wrapped into one nice package.
Obedience as a goal is obvious. Every Owner wants their slave to be obedient to their commands. This is an integral part of what enslavement is. As property, a slave is expected to obey their Owner and to do or not do whatever their Owner desires.
Obedience as a tool is also somewhat obvious, at least to most, if not everyone, doing this. A slave who becomes habituated to obeying some commands is much more likely to obey other commands that are similar or perhaps very different from the commands they have been obeying.
Obedience as an engine of enslavement seems to be similar to its use as a tool, but there is a difference, as it is also a general rather than a specific Enforcer and Reinforcer. This is because obedience can be more important than what is being obeyed.
Obedience is not always automatic. This is especially true of new slaves. Even for simple orders, there is an internal questioning of "What exactly is being wanted?” "Why is this wanted? and "Should I obey?" Some questions are answered very simply and easily, as the answers are obvious. Some are not. If I command a slave to bring me a cup of coffee, there are some internal questions, but what I want is very obvious. I want a cup of coffee.
Exactly how I want my coffee is a reasonable internal question or external if the slave has never brought me a cup of coffee before. How hot, cream, sugar, sweetener, which type of coffee, etc. If the slave has brought me a hundred cups of coffee before, I expect that the last question has long since been answered, and she knows how I like it. With experience, she also knows how I want it served, whether it is just to be brought and set down or to be formally served. Perhaps I stated a preference in the command, and she then questions if she knows how to perform as required.
The harder question is, should she obey? Obviously, my slave should obey my command for a cup of coffee. She knows the answer to this question. But, is she doing something else that should not be interrupted, or that she does not want to interrupt, and so should she get it when she has time to get it, or when she feels like getting it? This is really the enslavement question. The rest are details. Obedience Training removes the "Should I obey" question.
The following is an example of one training practice that uses all three forms of Obedience Training. Most, but not quite all Owners train their slaves in certain formal slave positions. The Gorean Slave Positions are one of the most common sources of these. I will use them for this example as they are both formal and practical positions for a slave to learn.
The expectation when a slave is given a specific position name as a command is for them to go into that position as quickly and gracefully as they can and to hold it until told to release or change to a new position. The questions about what and why are answered when you tell the slave they are going to practice various positions and practice doing them correctly, but most importantly, they are going to practice obeying your commands for each position.
The goal is for the slave learning, obeying and performing the slave positions properly when commanded to do so. The tool is the obedience to commands. The slave positions themselves act as physical reinforcers of her enslavement to the Master.
When you practice, you repeat the same actions to learn something. This is an obvious procedure and doesn't take much thought to understand. It easily slides past the what is required and the “why should it be done” internal questions. If the slave wants to serve her Owner, then the practice has a low threshold of resistance to performing the task, just as getting a cup of coffee also has a low threshold because the what and why are easily understood.
During the practice, the slave repeatedly obeys the commands and does not keep asking if she should obey, as that was answered at the beginning of the practice. The repetition of obedience is the engine that drives future obedience. During the practice, the expectation of obedience is there, and the questions are not repeated with each command. The more someone obeys simple commands, the more they will obey more complicated commands. Each time the resistance to obedience is overcome, there will be marginally less resistance to any new command.
Many simple acts of obedience without the internal questions will layer up to the slave obeying complicated ones. Starting with many small acts of obedience works better than beginning with the complicated ones that can be confusing or may require more trust that has not yet been earned from the slave. It is slower, but the Dwell Time for automatic obedience is much longer than the more complicated commands, which will likely result in internal questions that are asked every time the command is given.
There is such a thing as reinforcing a reinforcer. Quick, positive reinforcement of the correctly done obedience is the best way to do this. Second to that, especially in something like the slave positions example, is correcting what is not or not quite correct and having it done over. In true practice, corrections and repetitions until correct work very well. Punishments or negative reinforcement do not work as well, unless you consider doing something again and again until it is done correctly as a form of punishment.
Remember that not everything will have only one purpose or use when it is part of consensual enslavement. In this case, a session practicing the slave positions has many useful items all layered together, along with the expenditure of energy on the part of the slave, which can have other uses as well. A good Owner, Master, or Trainer will have several goals for most of the tools he uses when working with and training a slave, including reinforcing her enslavement.
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