Back but broken...

My biggest question is why wasn’t I enough?!?

it’s a question I have asked and it’s been answered with “ you were” well if that is the case why are we here? 

“I made a commitment and I keep my word.” You made a commitment to me first so if this is true of you I ask again why are we here?

“I won’t let you fall” Really!?! Maybe you got this right to some degree. You didn’t let me fall… you shoved me down and then kicked me. This is why we are here. You broke me more than I was when you found me and made these promises to me and it took only 1 week to break me and question everything.
Most days I am fine but there are those times when it just smacks me in the face of how little I truly mattered when I am reminded of it when seeing the changes because you “hit rock bottom” and are picking yourself up on your own. 
It’s always good to see people step up and improve themselves and their lives for the better. At least in my opinion but it raises a big question for me…
Why wasn’t I enough? 
That is ok. I’m working on me to fix what you broke so completely because I am enough. I deserve better than you gave. I deserve to be cherished and loved and one day I will be because I am enough, I am worth the effort, and I deserve the same love I give. 

Is it possible to get a do over? 
bad choices. Huge regrets. 
but is it possible to pick up where things abruptly ended. Was the timing just that bad? or is this how fate/destiny works and this is exactly the way it what supposed to happen?

I’m a little confused, but what else is new.
what do you do when your hard limit starts migrating to a soft limit. For example, your initial response to something is ‘No’ but then conversations happen and curiousity peaks. And that no changes to maybe?
Do you look at the situation and say yeah let me see what this is about once and then decide?

Can I ask for that?  
or is it just selfishness?

So I knew I was interested in orgasm control from the beginning of this journey. I got a little peek preview under the guidance of a Daddy Dom who was teaching and training me since I have no experience. 
Last night I decided to indulge myself as it had been a while and for now it is at my discretion, so why not, right. Besides it may help me sleep better. Let’s just say this was not my best idea. In the past I have said masturbation gets the job done but the real thing is so much better which is still true for me. BUT having an orgasm without any direction sucks hairy balls in my opinion. 
Now don’t get me wrong I had 3 decent squirting orgasms so the physical was not an issue at all. But at the end of the day I would say it was just a bodily function. I will not be doing that again. 
I have to have that voice in my ear telling me all the things I crave and need to hear. So I guess I will be waiting until I can have it all and be Daddy’s good little Princess and his naughty, slutty, little fucktoy. 

I want to be wrapped in your arms with my head on your chest and my arms around you holding on tight. Listening to your heart beat while you hold me close and rub my hair. Telling me ‘Everything thing is going to be ok baby girl. Daddy’s got you.’
Then you lead my to the living room, you sit and pull me onto your lap still holding me. You cover me with a soft blanket because you know I get chilly. You hand me my favorite stuffie and click on a movie.
A night in cuddled up in Daddy’s arms would be a dream come true.

I want a Daddy Dom who can read me and knows me better than I know myself.
One who can tell be my voice, mannerisms, and clothes what mind frame I am in and work with that. 

That being said, He needs to be attentive. We all crave praise, affection, cuddles, and letting us know we are on his mind. When we are safe and comfortable we can switch seamlessly for what is going on around us.
A good example of this would be, arriving to visit or go out. On arrival, a big hug and a sweet kiss, followed by a smack on the ass and naughty words would allow for the sexual parts to surface. I have recently been able to let everyone flow as they please and it was wonderful. I have a younger brother, and have obviously switched on him (nothing sexual) and he just went with it. He didn't judge me or really comment on it. It was amazing to have that kind of acceptance.
How could anyone tell the difference, you ask. Well, its easy you get to know me and us.

On the flip side of the sweet, innocent side is the highly sexual. In the right circumstances, I have a high sex drive, easily aroused, adventurous, willing to try new things, and multi-orgasmic, including multiple squirting orgasms. Typically, here this is where the interests tend to lie; however, to get to that point there has to be conversation, connection, and a building of trust.

I will admit, I am damaged but not beyond repair. I sound more complicated than I am, but I know I am worth the effort. However, I will not take things at face value. I will not repeat my mistakes. But I know with the right Daddy Dom I will be an amazing Little girl/ submissive.

1. I am his priority as he is mine. I want to be spoiled with attention, affection, and cuddles.
2. I want to be taken care of on an emotional level. I am a strong independent woman to the rest of the world. I can stand on my own two feet and do it alone if I must.
3. I want to be his sweet, innocent princess but also his toy to be used as he he’s fit.
4. I want him to reach out and take me in his arms kiss me sweetly, smack my ass and whisper the dirty things he wants to do to me in my ear. Followed by a sweet kiss on my blushing cheeks as he lets me go. This would be done on his whim.
5. In private, I want him to make me his little toy to be used for his pleasure. Then when we are both satisfied, I want to fall asleep wrapped safely in his arms feeling cherished while he whispers what a good girl I am and he how much he loves and cherishes me.
6. I also want to pleasure him whenever he wants.
7. However, the naughty, slutty toy is for him and him alone.

So I had been undergoing some training with an experienced Daddy Dom and had been learning more about my desires and likes. 
I’m liking pain more than I thought. I’m enjoying impact tools on my pussy and nipples. I have been really enjoying clamps on my nipples and clit. I am learning to melt into the pain and allow it to heighten my arousal. I want to explore this more to see how wonderful it can be. 
I have changed my mind regarding anal. I have found that ass play feels great when done right. So I know anal will be the same way. 
I have also learned that I like mild DP at least with toys anyway. 

So glad to be learning even if there is a distance hurdle.