As people get older, we often lose our awe and wonder for the world around us, our innocence, and belief of magic. We no longer use our imagination, but cold hard logic. Our vision narrows. Things that once before seemed possible no longer are. We can become cynical and judgemental, telling people to get their heads out of the clouds. We lost our connection to the world of fantasy and with it a key to untold happiness.
I am thankful for my little side. She isn't just a way to escape overwhelming feelings, but is a way to view the world in a whole other way. The world is not black and white. The grass is greener, the autumn leaves are lusher in color, the stars sparkle a little brighter for her. She believes anything is possible if she tries hard enough. She finds joy in the simplest of things. Life is never dull or quiet with her as her imagination is always running rampant.
Looking back over the last ten years, I realize that she has always been there. Popping out at unexpected moments, but pushed back down and denied her freedom and joy. At those moments my mother would look at me, exasperated, "Will you ever grow up?". Now I feel sad that I denied a part of who I am. Stuck her in a box to wither and die. I became harder and unhappy. I tried to match the image a woman should be in my mothers eyes. One who controls her life and the outcomes. Has complete and utter control over herself and her family. My husband (Daddy) took a step back and just let me lead. Neither of us was happy. This was the first time I had full power and control in life. The world is a chaotic mix of anxiety, anger, disappointment, bills, and responsibilities. I became angry, resentful, at times hateful towards my husband (Daddy). I lost the woman he met and fell in love with. It was so bad I threatened divorce because I no longer knew how to be happy.
At this point, I discovered the world of BDSM. I realized I didn't want to be in control, I hated it!!! I desired someone else taking the reins, them telling me what to do. This whole time, I was trying to get the desired "good girl" from my mother and to please her. Instead I should have been focused on pleasing my husband (Daddy), his wants and needs. During my self discovery moment he had a epiphany himself. HE NEEDED TO BE IN COMPLETE CONTROL! Our whole dynamic changed. We became what we once were, but better, stronger, happier. My little side is no longer denied. She happily dances through life bringing joy to both Daddy and I. Not only did she bring back the world of magic and wonder to me but to Daddy as well.
I still hear "Will you ever grow up!?" from my mother. Now though I look at Daddy and giggle and respond "I hope not!" Never deny part of yourself to please others. Just be you! Enjoy all the magic the world has to offer.
