The day started out happy my Tamuk Rabbit, Ruby, kindled. 11 born, 4 didn't make it. Her sister Opal is due today as well. I went into my room to grab some cotton balls because Ryby didn't pull fur to keep the kits warm, only to see my dog Anubis had snuck in my room stole my favorite stuffy off the bed and took her into his crate and brutally tore her to pieces. Nothing was salvageable all stuffing and tattered bear fur everywhere.. He looked so proud of himself and was confused why I was crying. Daddy to the rescue. He ordered me Pearl the II and a new Lamb named Cookie from Build a bear. Cookie smells like Samoa girl scout cookies. Mmmm.
Chaos... Anxiety....and Rampant thoughts that I am unable to stop. So many triggers exploding around me. The serene mask I wear gives nothing away. My eyes are mirrors reflecting back what you want and need to see. For so long I was able to shut the door. To be happy and free from my demons, but they found a crack and wormed their way back. Do I hide in my mind and let my younger self come out and play...to protect me? Avoidance at it's best? Do I beg for the pain and sting of the hand, crop, or flogger? Knowing the teeter tottering between pain and pleasure can give me not only a physical but mental release as well? I fear that even that won't be enough. I pretend to be your perfect little kitten. I try my best to please you and all those around me. The stress is breaking me piece by piece. I know I should lean on you, but I don't want to burden you. I fear failure as a sub, as a wife, as a woman, and it is getting to be too much for me. The storm is not rolling by and I am sinking further.
I'm tired and burned out. I sit in a constant state of lost depression. I deny my little in public due to fear of judgement. I see things she wants to do or buy, but say no because in the public eye I should be a grown, mature woman. I grew up in a strict catholic home. To this day my mother passes judgement on things I do that she considers childish. " You are supposed to set a example for your two young children. You do not have the right to give in to your frivolous childish desires." It is a constant guilt that pounds away little chips of who I am. With the kids always being home I now deny my little at home too. It has even effected my dynamic Daddy and I have together. Playtime is hard due to interruptions, he is at work often, we are both so exhausted we lost the energy to try. The littlest things set me off and my brat comes forth. I mouth off and catch myself disrespecting him out of frustration. No punishment or correction happens. The guilt eats away because I know I am in the wrong, but my frustration is overflowing and I can not put the stopper back in to halt it. I am a ticking time bomb that will either be disarmed or explode.
I have been bored out of my mind lately. Daddy is working a lot with being in the health field. I am stuck home with my lovely minions. It has been hard to find time for me. When I do have time I have gotten stuck on a kdrama/kpop binge again. I really want to fill my room with all kawaii characters and things but I don't think Daddy will approve since he shares with me. Sighhhh I think I may need to have him add a room onto the house just for me.
It is sad how often in long term relationships we begin to take for granted the other person will always be there. We become complacent and comfortable in our relationship. Never realizing the distance that is happening between the two of you. The early butterflies have worn off, suprises are gone, one day blends into another. We know exactly what they are going to do or say. The relationship is now a second skin. We no longer put in the effort we did at the beginning to win their heart. We know we already own it, so feel there is no need. This is a big mistake. You should never take for granted what you have. The relationship will become dull. Cracks will happen, boredom, a slow disconnection you dont realize is happening. You know something is missing, but don't know what. If you don't put forth the effort to figure out what is wrong and fix it, the relation ends. Introduce some new kinks in the bedroom. Try something new and fun with them you have never done before, example parachuting. Go to a new destination you have never been to. Be appreciative of all they do for you. Work on your communication.
When we get complacent in relationships our communication tends to become less important or frequent. We fail to discuss our thoughts or feelings. You could be in the same room for hours and never talk. The lack of expression of both causes even more issues. Put down the phone. Focus on each other. People have become so dependent on their phones that our relationships take second place. We carry on conversations with half a ear never looking up from our phone. We are never truly listening to the other persons thoughts or feelings. They start to feel like your phone is more important than them. Stop comparing the love stories you see others broadcast on social media. We never know how much of this is just a smoke screen, pretending they are perfect and to be envied. To be honest social media platforms seem to do more harm to us than help. We have forgotten how to interact with people in person. I often see people out on dates. Their eyes glued on their phone screens neither fully focused on each other. Instead of writing texts, put forth a effort and write a love note. Texts are forgotten and lost after a while. Love notes are treasured, stored in a place of importance, revisited often and are a great reminder of why you two fell in love or chose to become a couple.
Relationships are not easy. The work does not end once there is a commitment. I hate the saying if you have to work at there being a relationship then it is already over. This is why so many relationships get flushed down the drain without a second thought. We think there is something better out there and walk away, often not realizing we just gave up the one who is perfect for us. Put forth the effort, communicate, don't be complacent. If it still ends then at least you know you tried everything and it was not ment to be.
This can honestly even be applied to friendships or even bdsm relationships. We are guilty of taking for granted a lot of different people in our lives. Be thankful for the impact and role everyone has in our lives. In a blink of a eye they could be gone forever.
I disappeared off Cage for a while. So...Hello everyone! So much changed from when I first joined The Cage. I joined lost, confused. Sure of what I wanted, but unsure where to find it and with who. So much has changed since then. I disappeared into the shadows to focus on my relationship and to reconnect with my Husband/Daddy. At times my imperfections and faults pop forth, or we slip into bad past habits, but ultimately everything is better than it has ever been. Now we quickly resolve all issues. We laugh, smile, and genuinely enjoy each other again. Sometimes the one thing you truly need is hidden right in front of your eyes. Instead of a resolution of changing things this year, my resolution is to continue to nurture and grow my relationship with my amazing Husband/Daddy.
Today was a fun day. Instead of chilling at home like we often do, Daddy and I went out. For a treat Daddy took me to Build-A-Bear. So many options!! I wanted to buy out the whole store. Wall to wall stuffy options, clothes, shoes, bows, accessories.🤤😍After 45 minutes of contemplation we ended up with my new Stuffy, Pearl. She smells so yummy. Daddy and I chose the Sugar N Sparkle scent to put inside her. The look on the employees face when she found out the stuffy was for me was comical. I guess 30 year old woman do not shop there for themselves a lot. He also bought me a ankle bracelet on Etsy today. I love my Day collar he bought me a little over a week ago but am finding it uncomfortable to sleep in. I never wore necklaces, so a thick chain on at night to sleep in caused my neck to be sore the next day. So he bought a permanently locked ankle bracelet like the one below. He had them engrave Daddy's Kitten on it. This way I wear that as my permanent collar and my Day Collar on just during day. So excited for it to come.
For his treat Daddy got new hand and ankle cuffs with a matching blindfold to use on kitten. As well as a new flogger and crop.
Now it is snuggle time on the couch watching a movie.
