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Self-absorbed nonsense, tinfoil panty conspiracies, random horseshit, spontaneous out-of-my-ass pullings, and a time or two when I made myself laugh.
6 days ago. Nov 25, 2021, 12:20 PM

Dearly beloved,

We are gathered here today to give spanks and to reflect on all the many people and things to be spankful for.

I'd like to take this opportunity to spank all the wonderful weirdos that have tolerated me here, and sort of eyeroll all the people in my lesser-flavored life.

You know, as we stand here, glasses raised, spanking eachother for another year of whatever nonsense we've gotten up to I am heartwarmed to be surrounded by so many spankful people.

If somehow I have not spanked you personally please know that in my heart I spank each of you everyday.

Spank you very, very kindly,

-LJ

6 days ago. Nov 25, 2021, 4:04 AM

Thanks Umberlee (Original post HERE)

This was so much fun last time how could I not accept it!

So...

Ask Me Anything

 

Come on - do your worst!

I'm not afraid!

2 weeks ago. Nov 16, 2021, 7:10 PM

I was having a conversation with my friend B&C about how hard it can be these days to find a dynamic - or any kind of relationship at all - and how sometimes it would be easier to just grab someone vanilla for some fun.
I asked "And what would 'fun' be?"
She made a joke like "Oh, just going on a date and getting laid."
I laughed. "Hahah, 'Dated and Laid.' Now there's a bad country song if I've ever heard of one."

But it stuck with me. It festered. I went all goofy with inspiration.

That song was beggin' to get written. My heard started up swimmin' and my boots started lookin' for some shit to kick.

And before I knew what had happened, this had happened:


Dated and Laid

Went on a date but I didn't get laid
and not 'cuz I didn't try.
I learnt all the sweet things a man s'posed to say
and even told her she could buy.

I'd dug out the cleanest drawers I could find,
aint been wore for no more than a week.
Slapped on my big buckle belt and cologne,
now she'd definite owe me a peek.

Roll'd up the sleeves on my rodeo shirt,
and unbutton'd it down past my chest.
Showin' the hair I been growin' down there figurin'
that'll make her wet for the rest.

She pulled up all pretty and opened my door sayin'
"sorry I done made you wait."
I told her "fine as you look, and as long as you payin'
I'll try to forget you was late."

       With just one glance
       she was quakin' and thinkin'
       how smoothly my hand had been played
       Singin' -
       "Wait til my friends hear 'bout
       the cowboy I met and 'bout
       how I got Dated and Laid"

When we finally got to the place I jumped out,
and told her "darlin' you go park the car."
I strolled in and ordered a steak and some beers,
and sat down to wait at the bar.

I watched her go into the toilet for girls,
to put on her face for her man.
I thought "girl got a serious look like she's ready
to give up to me all she can."

She walked out all red like a bright neon sign,
and found her a table to stay.
I could tell she was strugglin' to hold herself in
'cuz she never stopped glarin' my way.

       Surely by now
       she was glowin' from knowin'
       how grateful she was that she stayed
       Laughin' -
       "Wait til my friends hear 'bout
       the cowboy I met and 'bout
       how I got Dated and Laid"

Musta been 'round 'bout and hour or so,
she jumped up and ran to my stool.
I thought it was 'cuz she was yearnin' for me,
but things was about to turn cruel.

She threatened to leave without drivin' me home,
but I'd already drunk a full load.
So I said "slow down there miss, gotta go throw a piss,
you just grab me a brew for the road."

When she got me back to my trailer I said
"Get out and let's fuck on the lawn."
She sassed "Darlin' that dog couldn't even stay up
if it had 3 more legs to stand on."

       She went runnin' her mouth
       and the whole town heard tell
       so I pulled off my hat and I prayed
       Hopin' -
       None of my friends hear 'bout
       this lady I met and 'bout
       how I couldn't get Dated and Laid.

 

- written and performed by Longer Johnny Cash

- - - - - - -

On to the Dated and Laid challenge:

Now it is up to the rest of my fellow weirdos here to make up the worst song or poem you can, any topic or genre, and post it.

And have fun!

(If you want and are able to you can listen and follow along as I read it in a fake shitty country song accent! It's reeeeally bad so feel free to laugh!)

DIY

3 weeks ago. Nov 5, 2021, 9:03 AM

Those times when a close friend does something you strongly disapprove of.

Like disciplines their children by hitting them.
Or cheats on their partner
Or betrays a mutual friend.
Or is about to make the same mistake they've made 100 times before - once again insisting that "this time it is/will be different."

And, because you are a close friend, you wonder.

Should I tell my friend that I their dislike their behavior?
Should I inform the partner or friend who has been wronged?
Should I remind my friend about the first 100 times they made the same mistake?
Should I just shut the fuck up and mind my own damned business?

What is a close friend supposed to do?

1 month ago. Nov 1, 2021, 2:40 PM

This will be fun and easy.

Eat all your candy. Right now, scarf it all down.

If you went trick-o-treating, or your kids did, or if you have leftover candy that you didn't give away, eat it all now.

When you have finished, post a picture of your best "oh my god I ate too much candy I think I'm gonna puke" face.

🤮

 

(Now lets see if anybody actually accepts this challenge hahaha!)

4 weeks ago. Oct 31, 2021, 11:33 PM

The only costume I own is my patented DIY "creepy old guy who turns off all the lights and pretends he isn't home so all the damn kids with their damn candy stay off his damn lawn" outfit I usually wear.
No sense in throwing away hard-earned cash for some store-bought piece of crap made by a bunch of young entrepreneurs in another country when this one still fits and is totally indistinguishable from the real thing.

Make sure to say hi if you see me grimacing at you from behind the cobwebby curtain of a darkened window.

Hahaha

Happy Hallo-fucking-weenie everyone!

🎃 

4 weeks ago. Oct 31, 2021, 4:56 PM

That's my Transformers porno nom de théâtre.

Actually, I was thinking about how much I love you.

No, that's not fair, you deserve to know the truth - I was jerking off.

See? I can wise-ass and hard-on at the same time.
(Now leave me alone, I'm trying to multitask over here.)

1 month ago. Oct 25, 2021, 11:26 AM

Original challenge here

 

A-M = Ass to Mouth
N = Nipple torture
O = Orgasm torture
P = (Really? That's too easy.)
Q = Quadrophenia (1973)
R = Ribbed, for her pleasure
S = Stinkfinger
T = did I mention Torture?
U = Underpants
V = Vulva
W = Weiner
X = Xylophone (because instruments you bang on are cool!)
Y = Yay, I'm almost done!
Z = Zest or Zeal or the fervor you feel.

 

(I took the low road because it was easier to find on the map.)

2 months ago. Sep 30, 2021, 12:40 AM

For the many who have asked - thank you very much for your concern. It is nice to receive support from you all.

So, how am I?

 

My spirit animal is horseradish.
(Or would that be my spirit vegetable?)

 

Either way, that's how I am.

3 months ago. Aug 24, 2021, 5:55 PM

Yesterday I had one of those "damn, I wish I had come up with that" moments. I saw someone wearing a shirt that gave me one of the best laughs I'd had in days. It read -

 

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

 

That's fucking hilarious!

Am I the only person who has never seen or heard that?

I haven't been here in a while, and I enjoyed it so much that I had to take a few minutes sign in and share it.