"Darkness"
I recall as a young child, I never really feared the dark. Yes, it was an unknown, and perhaps living in the protected world of my parents and family, I instinctively knew that if something were to come from it, I would be protected and preserved. As time marched on, I learned that you cannot always be protected, and despite best intentions or efforts, sometimes... the darkness wins, and exacts a toll of varying intensity or cost, depending on what was at risk when it found you.
And yet, still, despite all known encounters with it, the darkness remains unnamed, undefined. It comes as a thief in the night, to rob and steal, to defeat and destroy, to damage and defile. It does not manifest itself at times when we are strongest, it waits until we are weak and weary from the battles of life, bereft of energy to resist it.
Such is a time I find myself in now. I have always been self sustaining man, proud and composed and together, strong of heart, mind, and soul. Yes, I have had my share of demons visit me from the darkness throughout my life, but was always able to cling to what light remained, battle back the darkness, and reclaim my post in this world. I have always rediscovered my center, my source of power, and each time I did battle with the darkness, I have come back stronger.
But now, I can sense the darkness drawing near again, I smell the foul stench or rotting torment ever so lightly on the winds of my world. I know it is coming, and I must prepare myself to have the will to defeat it. But... this battle is different, so many things have changed in my world, my center is scattered upon the winds of time. My children are grown now, so that role is gone. My Father and Mother no longer walk this Earth, and that role is gone. My marriage of 30 years has come and gone some years back, and that role is gone. In fact, it seems all the roles I have held over the years have now become either extinct or obsolete. For the first time In my life, there is only me.... nobody to protect, no rally cry to reforge the strength of years gone by. No purpose ....no role
But, I also know that I am not the type to lay down and take a beating either. I will rally to this fight, I must. I cannot and will not allow myself to succumb to the darkness... it is not a natural thing for me to do. Perhaps it is this that draws me unto the BDSM World, has me searching for the grail, a new purpose, a new role.
The role of Dominant in a BDSM Dynamic, to once again be needed and to need, to love and be loved, to care and be cared for. To pour heart and soul into the raging inferno of a power exchange so intense that it's mere existence causes the darkness to tremble. Regardless of the outcome, my trip in this world has done this for me, I have come to know myself far better than I ever have before...
