A Recovering Pick-me

I think it’s because I saw the Michael bio pic movie for Mother’s Day and seeing Michael’s brute of a father in there made me reflect upon my own upbringing. My upbringing was what you would sort of call traditional in some aspects whereas my dad was the breadwinner and my mom stayed home. (Although she was home due to physical and mental health reasons ) Anyways, seeing this movie brought up a few memories but an ingrained memory that has stuck with me more than I ever admitted to anyone was when my dad first found out I had sex. I was 16 years old. He thought the boyfriend that I had at that time was my first. In reality he wasn’t the first, but it was better that he thought a boyfriend had “taken” my virginity or whatever than an older man down the street, but I digress. When he found out through the grapevine, he was extremely pissed. He didn’t try to talk to me to see what had happened, or to clear any details since it was through gossip that he heard the news. He asked some questions and I don’t really remember what else but I do remember his eyes looked crazed. I think we ate something as a family that night and went to bed. I was awoken in a shock that same night when my dad was standing over me with a belt hitting me, calling me names. I remember he was financially stressed around this time, and this news sent him over the edge. My mom woke up and stopped him from hitting me by yelling at him which he did eventually. But I felt like with every hit with the belt and every cutting word it sank in my heart deeper and deeper. And apparently at my big age I never let it go. To sum it up, I was made to feel like a whore. I don’t remember any apology or any way to express what quick traumatic event I went through. And I was also raised with some Scientology beliefs from earlier childhood too that also stuck with me and they have very conservative views on sexuality. 

So now coming to present time, I think there are things I need to let go already, especially the idea that wanting to have sex as a teenager was somehow bad or wrong. I’m working with a counselor now, but that memory hadn’t been truly explored or touched upon until I saw this movie earlier today. I think I’ve felt that having a strong sexual desire is wrong or shameful. I swept it under the rug for some time. I pretended my desires didn’t exist but when I feel strong urges to want to express that sexuality and talk about my desires with someone else all the sudden I’m feeling childish. I’m feeling unsure in my body and not centered. That’s always been my problem. I haven’t connected with my needs and wants. It’s something I must learn so I can be integrated fully in this life and enjoy sex with more ease and less shame.