holdmethrillme(sub female)

The blogging blogger

All my ADHD thoughts about random things sexy and non-sexy, my hyper-fixations and such.

I'd tired of seeing the hat and glasses avatar at the top left side of my screen.

3 years ago. December 13, 2020 at 10:29 AM

If my title is a little confusing it is because I'm referring to being in Incognito Mode in Google Chrome. It shows what looks like a 1940s detective looking guy next to the url. Everytime I go on this site, I am always in that mode. I sneak around on here like a mouse in someone's house at night nibbling on crumbs. I am a grown woman...so why all the mystery and secrecy? I mentioned this on my my profile, but I wanted to mention it here too that I haven't told anyone close to me that I am interested in the lifestyle. Also, I don't have any true friends to even mention my heart's desires. But mainly, it's due to the nature of the relationship I am in. I am stuck in a relationship with a narcissistic 45 year old. We have a daughter who is in adolescent stage already. I wanted to express on here how tough it can be when you can't be forthcoming with your partner. With a narcisstic person, it is all about them. Your needs are never met fully and completely. Your communication falls on deaf ears with them...and with him in particular, and most likely due to his Catholic upbringing, I can see he has some sordid views on sex, and I would especially imagine about bdsm or any kinks. I wouldn't dream of bringing up my true sexual desires to him. In the beginning of the relationship, I thought I could confide in him because remember narcissists are very charming and he said I would never have to worry about anything in this relationship. Well that was a lie. A long time ago he told me to throw out my dildos and anything pleasurable because he though it would mess up my vagina somehow. We have vanilla sex all the time and it lasts only a few minutes. I'm kind of glad for that, but I also think too, if I ever experienced real pleasure from someone who truly gets and understands me, how would I feel or react? It would probably be overwhelming in the beginning. Anyways, I'm just ranting but I feel I have nothing to lose if I mentioned this to anyone who cares to read about what I am going through. Luckily, everyone is asleep and it's my day off of work and I can write comfortably. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

Jack in the box -
If you can push a person out . . . I dont see how a toy is gonna . . . 🤔 Nevermind . . .

Im surprised you can sign on here with google - I use duckduckgo.

It is very frustrating indeed, living life like that - unfulfilled desires.
My heart goes out to you Ms ⚘

3 years ago

holdmethrillme(sub female) - Yeah, exactly...makes not kind of sense. I think it was just to show how much control he can have over me without regard to my feelings. I'll definitely give duckduckgo a try and thank you for your kind words!

3 years ago

Jack in the box -
You are very welcome ☺

3 years ago

LaVieEnRose(sub female){Learning } - I like incognito because I don’t need data tracking or remembering my searches

I’m sorry your relationship is not what you had hoped it would be and that it causes you more distress than joy. But if he is that catholic would he consider counselling with the church?

3 years ago

holdmethrillme(sub female) - He is not in church. I think he just uses past religious upbringing to try and control in a detrimental way. Narcissm is all about making sure you listen to them and not even question them a tiny bit, because their ego is easily bruised and they have a grandious image of themselves.

3 years ago

IamtheStorm(sub female) - I think we could be best friends.
I understand and currently live in a similar situation. Slightly different but same idea.
No sexual relationship, no toys(cause that made me a whore and showed he wasn't good enough)
Narcissistic. Mentally and emotionally abusive.
Staying is easier for the kids. We know they come first. I read your profile and we seem similar. If you want a friend that understands, if you need to vent, anything, message me and I'll give you my info. My heart goes out to you hun. I know this struggle is difficult. ❤️❤️

3 years ago

holdmethrillme(sub female) - Thank you for your kind and understanding words, I will be messaging you!

3 years ago

Jack in the box - Sad 😔

3 years ago

SeekingOne(dom male){Taken} - I can tell you I grew up strict Catholic and attended a Catholic high school. My views are different from his and I am older. So I think it’s more that he is “choosing” not to accept what you want. He can and should change his view on your sexual needs (together).

It’s all about wanting to enjoy each other and not just his needs. Maybe he has some underlying issues he hasn’t revealed that make him act/react the way he does?

Wishing you well and hope for a positive future.

3 years ago

holdmethrillme(sub female) - I'm pretty sure he is set in his ways and made up his mind along time ago, as you kind of mentioned about choosing. I can barely communicate with him about anything else let alone sex and kinks and such. He just basically does his business in me and falls asleep afterwards. Like I said, it's all about him.

3 years ago

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holdmethrillme​(sub female)

The blogging blogger

I'd tired of seeing the hat and glasses avatar at the top left side of my screen.

holdmethrillme(sub female)