S(ex)truggles of Life

Sonder; 

Etymology: Sonder is a neologism
“Sonder” is the profound, individual realization that each person you meet is living their own life, that each person has their own world fitted with their own personal worries, pains, pleasures, ambitions, routines, etc. — The same as yourself, in a sense, but also as intricate and as different as could be imagined. 

I appreciate my days, and my time, my life really. It isn’t anything extraordinary, or spectacular, but I am grateful for it and it is mine. That makes it astonishingly unique and is complex as everybody else’s which fills me with what I call Sonder.

I’m working the nine to five. Living the life I know I deserve and all is on the up and up. So why do I still feel longing and emptiness. Like an endless void that consumes all it sees and all that is meaningful and happy. Is this part of the human condition? Is this why I seek the submissive side in my personality? Is this a side effect of life?

I’m unsure but it doesn’t fill me with dread. It just leaves nothingness. If that makes sense. I’m not sad. I’m just empty. Needing to be filled- with responsibility and with meaning. I’m still functioning- I’m still alive and I’m still thriving. I’m just wondering what I can do to make sure I don’t feel this way in 5 years and wondered what I could’ve done differently. Or maybe it’s just part of life.

As for my relationship- things are better if not more of the same. Me and my partner are still pretty dull. He tries and I can’t be mad at the progress. If I start digging into that too much it’s just gonna be a sore that’ll never heal- which is my own fault for digging my fingers into something where they don’t belong. I think I’m just looking for something else to make me complete. Still looking for that feeling. An indescribable peace. I’m at an age where I can’t discredit that maybe I need kids in my life- but that’s a faraway dream that’s not tangible. A story for another time.

Makes me drudge memories of me and my ex. Ugh. I want to find fault but to say anything bad about our sex life would be a lie. But it can’t be all about that- not sustainably, not long term. He was mean to me- but treated me like a perfect submissive between the sheets. He needed a slave and I’m a submissive. Small differences to some. He needed someone who could handle the constant degradation. I mentally cannot handle being told I’m not good enough all the time.

I think this caused a dependency.

I think that caused attention problem. Could you tell? Haha

My problem now is the guy I’m with has too much respect for me. I guess read my other posts to catch up. We’re better. Sigh- hopefully me and him can find a happy medium. Hopefully there is potential to grow and I didn’t fall in love with just that. I know I’m not old but I’m not getting any younger. I’m in this rush to find someone or have the person I’m with understand me fully right now. Which isn’t realistic. I don’t even fully grasp who I am so how can I expect someone else to understand themselves and me? Sonder sonder sonder.

Maybe it’s because the douche I mentioned- who I was with in the past set so many insecurities for me. Part of me wonders, is he right? Was he right? Will nobody make me feel the way he did, physically, mentally? Will I be enough? Will I belong and feel good about myself?

I just wanted to voice some of these thoughts and feelings.

At this point I’ve been writing as a canvas to put ideas on- a reflection of sorts to get out the feeling- the ideas and ideology that could be affecting my feeling and actions.  As I think they can be relatable and understandable to anyone who struggles or is finding they have the same issues. I’ll be in and out for the next few days and maybe post a few of my poems for y’all if you’re interested.

Hope everyone has been doing good. 

Thank you for all your support.

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me but now..There’s something wrong with me- here me out. It’s perpetual, as soon as you find one thing to fix there’s three more things that go wrong. Which seems to be the epitome of my life.

What’s the problem?
Well. Get comfortable. 

I’ve really tried, I’ve tried online, I’ve tried in person, I’ve tried regular dating, I’ve tried vanilla dating. I was taken advantage of, let down, and all the other disappointments you could think of. If you’re kicked out of a bar is it your fault or the bar‘s fault? If you’re kicked out of 10 bars is it your fault or the bars fault? At that point it’s the person…. Right? And you may think; “maybe she’s the problem” - and I would agree with you wholeheartedly, if that was the case.

Naturally I started to go backwards, falling back into the habits that I knew would make myself Unhappy. I tried them anyway. Let’s face it. We’re human. And- at least if the problem was me, that’s something I can fix. But I can’t fix, retain or alter myself to make anyone happy who won’t do the same for me. I want to grow with someone. 

My advice(Not that you asked), if you know that you’re into BDSM and it’s something you know is a part of you; know that your partner is too, or at least willing to TRY. 

You see: my problem is I’m now in a vanilla relationship with a man that I moved across the country- he lives with me. He gave up his life and came to be apart of mine. But he won’t touch me, he wont fuck me, or cuddle me, or be serious with me. 

Not everything is a joke.

This isn’t a joke.

Now, I know I did this to myself. But I was never not clear about what needed to happen in order for me to be happy in a relationship. Day one. I told him exactly what I wanted and still. No effort- none. Why stay- 

There’s a few reasons. History. what I thought would be long term growth, and healing of past emotional trauma. Because those things are important right? Believe me baby, those things are important but so is SEX. Seriously.

Someone whose older is reading this and having a good laugh.

I wish I had the wisdom you did. But a heartfelt message about how “you don’t have to have to have it figured out yet” and “you’re young” is not going to help 🤣 I need answers! Sigh- answers just come with time and experience, hence the patience.

Back to story time,

I always try and assume stupidity before malevolence, you’d be surprised how much patience you have when you just assume everybody is stupid or acting for stupid reasons. Which may seem like a mean thing, but it actually saves you and other people from disappointment. It’s a complicated way of understanding “cut the bullshit” I’m not a mind reader and neither are you. So communication is the l first thing to work in when it comes to any relationship.

Sigh. So remember when I said get comfortable?

The worst part is even if you do learn how to become an effective communicator, there’s no guarantee that the person that you’re talking to is also an effective communicator, or even an effective listener. 

So I used to think something was wrong with me, and in someways (like any individual in the world) yeah- there is- but there’s only so much I can help. 

And I did put myself here. Painfully, and not in the way I enjoy. 

I don’t need advice. I don’t want to talk because I know what I got myself into. I’m a pretty-smart dumb girl. So some friends suggested I start my own blog. 

Here we are. 

Intrinsically, I have the answers to my happiness at least within myself. Now if I could just find or grow with the right partner. Or maybe start being more comfortable with myself. 

The path is so bittersweet. I want to be where I want to be in life and I can’t stop thinking about the destination when it’s about the journey. (Cliche but true)

But at least I know myself. Ive accepted myself and my needs for an unconventional lifestyle to many (But not y’all 😘) So if I can explain and understand myself, my choices and have a bit of fun/laughs surrounded by the community, maybe I can offer perspective and gain it? And therefor become the best version of myself. Yeah that sounds pretty good. Now to do the second part that everyone forgets and stay true. 

Fuck. 

Have a lovely Night ❤️

-Kitten