Sonder;
Etymology: Sonder is a neologism
“Sonder” is the profound, individual realization that each person you meet is living their own life, that each person has their own world fitted with their own personal worries, pains, pleasures, ambitions, routines, etc. — The same as yourself, in a sense, but also as intricate and as different as could be imagined.
I appreciate my days, and my time, my life really. It isn’t anything extraordinary, or spectacular, but I am grateful for it and it is mine. That makes it astonishingly unique and is complex as everybody else’s which fills me with what I call Sonder.
I’m working the nine to five. Living the life I know I deserve and all is on the up and up. So why do I still feel longing and emptiness. Like an endless void that consumes all it sees and all that is meaningful and happy. Is this part of the human condition? Is this why I seek the submissive side in my personality? Is this a side effect of life?
I’m unsure but it doesn’t fill me with dread. It just leaves nothingness. If that makes sense. I’m not sad. I’m just empty. Needing to be filled- with responsibility and with meaning. I’m still functioning- I’m still alive and I’m still thriving. I’m just wondering what I can do to make sure I don’t feel this way in 5 years and wondered what I could’ve done differently. Or maybe it’s just part of life.
As for my relationship- things are better if not more of the same. Me and my partner are still pretty dull. He tries and I can’t be mad at the progress. If I start digging into that too much it’s just gonna be a sore that’ll never heal- which is my own fault for digging my fingers into something where they don’t belong. I think I’m just looking for something else to make me complete. Still looking for that feeling. An indescribable peace. I’m at an age where I can’t discredit that maybe I need kids in my life- but that’s a faraway dream that’s not tangible. A story for another time.
Makes me drudge memories of me and my ex. Ugh. I want to find fault but to say anything bad about our sex life would be a lie. But it can’t be all about that- not sustainably, not long term. He was mean to me- but treated me like a perfect submissive between the sheets. He needed a slave and I’m a submissive. Small differences to some. He needed someone who could handle the constant degradation. I mentally cannot handle being told I’m not good enough all the time.
I think this caused a dependency.
I think that caused attention problem. Could you tell? Haha
My problem now is the guy I’m with has too much respect for me. I guess read my other posts to catch up. We’re better. Sigh- hopefully me and him can find a happy medium. Hopefully there is potential to grow and I didn’t fall in love with just that. I know I’m not old but I’m not getting any younger. I’m in this rush to find someone or have the person I’m with understand me fully right now. Which isn’t realistic. I don’t even fully grasp who I am so how can I expect someone else to understand themselves and me? Sonder sonder sonder.
Maybe it’s because the douche I mentioned- who I was with in the past set so many insecurities for me. Part of me wonders, is he right? Was he right? Will nobody make me feel the way he did, physically, mentally? Will I be enough? Will I belong and feel good about myself?
I just wanted to voice some of these thoughts and feelings.
At this point I’ve been writing as a canvas to put ideas on- a reflection of sorts to get out the feeling- the ideas and ideology that could be affecting my feeling and actions. As I think they can be relatable and understandable to anyone who struggles or is finding they have the same issues. I’ll be in and out for the next few days and maybe post a few of my poems for y’all if you’re interested.
Hope everyone has been doing good.
Thank you for all your support.