For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me but now..There’s something wrong with me- here me out. It’s perpetual, as soon as you find one thing to fix there’s three more things that go wrong. Which seems to be the epitome of my life.
What’s the problem?
Well. Get comfortable.
I’ve really tried, I’ve tried online, I’ve tried in person, I’ve tried regular dating, I’ve tried vanilla dating. I was taken advantage of, let down, and all the other disappointments you could think of. If you’re kicked out of a bar is it your fault or the bar‘s fault? If you’re kicked out of 10 bars is it your fault or the bars fault? At that point it’s the person…. Right? And you may think; “maybe she’s the problem” - and I would agree with you wholeheartedly, if that was the case.
Naturally I started to go backwards, falling back into the habits that I knew would make myself Unhappy. I tried them anyway. Let’s face it. We’re human. And- at least if the problem was me, that’s something I can fix. But I can’t fix, retain or alter myself to make anyone happy who won’t do the same for me. I want to grow with someone.
My advice(Not that you asked), if you know that you’re into BDSM and it’s something you know is a part of you; know that your partner is too, or at least willing to TRY.
You see: my problem is I’m now in a vanilla relationship with a man that I moved across the country- he lives with me. He gave up his life and came to be apart of mine. But he won’t touch me, he wont fuck me, or cuddle me, or be serious with me.
Not everything is a joke.
This isn’t a joke.
Now, I know I did this to myself. But I was never not clear about what needed to happen in order for me to be happy in a relationship. Day one. I told him exactly what I wanted and still. No effort- none. Why stay-
There’s a few reasons. History. what I thought would be long term growth, and healing of past emotional trauma. Because those things are important right? Believe me baby, those things are important but so is SEX. Seriously.
Someone whose older is reading this and having a good laugh.
I wish I had the wisdom you did. But a heartfelt message about how “you don’t have to have to have it figured out yet” and “you’re young” is not going to help 🤣 I need answers! Sigh- answers just come with time and experience, hence the patience.
Back to story time,
I always try and assume stupidity before malevolence, you’d be surprised how much patience you have when you just assume everybody is stupid or acting for stupid reasons. Which may seem like a mean thing, but it actually saves you and other people from disappointment. It’s a complicated way of understanding “cut the bullshit” I’m not a mind reader and neither are you. So communication is the l first thing to work in when it comes to any relationship.
Sigh. So remember when I said get comfortable?
The worst part is even if you do learn how to become an effective communicator, there’s no guarantee that the person that you’re talking to is also an effective communicator, or even an effective listener.
So I used to think something was wrong with me, and in someways (like any individual in the world) yeah- there is- but there’s only so much I can help.
And I did put myself here. Painfully, and not in the way I enjoy.
I don’t need advice. I don’t want to talk because I know what I got myself into. I’m a pretty-smart dumb girl. So some friends suggested I start my own blog.
Here we are.
Intrinsically, I have the answers to my happiness at least within myself. Now if I could just find or grow with the right partner. Or maybe start being more comfortable with myself.
The path is so bittersweet. I want to be where I want to be in life and I can’t stop thinking about the destination when it’s about the journey. (Cliche but true)
But at least I know myself. Ive accepted myself and my needs for an unconventional lifestyle to many (But not y’all 😘) So if I can explain and understand myself, my choices and have a bit of fun/laughs surrounded by the community, maybe I can offer perspective and gain it? And therefor become the best version of myself. Yeah that sounds pretty good. Now to do the second part that everyone forgets and stay true.
Fuck.
Have a lovely Night ❤️
-Kitten
