Letters from the Edge of Tolerance

Madness grips the heart so tight,

A lover's touch in the dead of night.

Pain courses through with every breath,

A dance with shadows, a waltz with death.

In the depths of love's embrace,

Fear's cold fingers trace my face.

Walking on a razor's edge,

Each step a promise, each word a pledge.

Eyes that burn with fevered light,

Haunted dreams that steal the night.

Whispers echo in the mind,

Truth and lies so intertwined.

A heart consumed by love's sweet fire,

Bound by chains of dark desire.

Pain and pleasure, intertwined,

Lost in madness, undefined.

Death's shadow looms, a specter's cheer,

Drawing close, and ever near.

But still, I walk this narrow way,

In love and madness, I will stay.

On this edge, I'll make my stand,

Holding tight to your hand.

In this dance of love and fear,

Madness is the price, my love, my dear.

Hmmmm. I have come to realize that I am a social outcast. No need to comfort me me. It's always been this way. Society has moved to a point of either you support my views or your a racist and a bigot. Personally though I could care less. What is it that has made us so devout to our own opinions that we fail to see that which is right in front of us?

Are we so blinded by our own delusions of Grandeur that show us the world through a blue light screen glass. I feel alienated. No matter where I go, or what I do, think, breath or even see. I want a life of peace, happiness and joy just like any other.

Is it wrong to have emotions? Am I nothing more than an inconvenience. Who am I? What is it that is so precious to me that keeps me going. I never wanted to be here in the first place, but yet here I am. 

My mind has always been a cloudy and dark place. Filled with self doubt, and a lust for my own destruction. But I know despite how desperately I may want the cold embrace, I am yet no coward, and I deserve NO EASY WAY OUT. 

Why then is it that we all are but prideful sinners too full of ourselves and too deluded to see the darkness. Or rather, why do we strive so hard to ignore it?

Everyone has their demons, though mine have said "I am many therefore I am legion" life isn't meant to be easy, but I believe it was never meant to be this hard either. How is it that I,... I am the one who has to be stable, why is it the man who has to do everything? Why do I fail soooó much?

Somedays I wonder why it is that I am still here. What is my purpose? What meaning is it that I have? Why does it always feel like the world is ready to crash around me. Why is it that I feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Is it just because I hate myself? Am I truly worthless? Or is it something deeper or am I just delusional. 

It's been awhile since the last time I posted here.

Life is all but interesting, it's filled with work and not much else. The occasional game and maybe some anime. Time flies quite quickly when you are busty as hell. So what's up? How has the peeps here been?

I wonder why life can be so tough and strange. What is it that makes us so different from one another that we just act cruel and push some random agenda onto others?

I spent six years serving this country and now all I can do is sit back and watch it go to hell. Like what makes us number 1? That fact that we spend more on defense than the rest of the world combined? Or that we have more prisoners incarcerated per capita than the rest of the world?

But other than having surgery for a hiadal hernia next month nothing is really new.

Life has never been easy, and I would not have any other way. I grew up in a extremely conservative household. Sexuality was not a common topic. And talking about sex or kink was a no go. So from the time I was about 13 when I realized that I was a sapio sexual with many kinks like the occasional cross dressing. So that manifested in the form of me having to hide it. Well when I finally got found I got sent to a sex therapist because My dad couldn't accept me. 

Later in life I finally found a wife which I was a diehard Christian or so I had thought. If you read my blog you would know that said ex-wife had cheated on me with my father which is its own long story. Now when that relationship ship ended I went soul search and redefined who I am. I was 24 when I finally accepted who I was. And I proudly live it now. My dad on the other hand hates it, and I could care less.

Never the less, life has never been easy for me. The saying "The struggle is real" is very appropriate for me. But it isn't like I am not trying. Because you must try, try again till you succeed. You must learn from your failures. 'fail fast, fail forward" just because you fail does not make you a failure. Thomas Edison failed 1000 times before he succeeded. He stated "I did not fail 1000 times, I learned 1000 ways not to make a light bulb". With out struggle there is no progression. And with our progression there is no advancement. 

Time is the only constant it is ever marching and unyielding. So remember all you have is the now, so do what you desire and be happy. Fighting to succeed at your goals.

Im in a mood, I want to drink till I'm stupid and can forget, but at the same time I just want to be loved, what the fuck is wrong with me. 

Current theme song

Fear not death, for the hour of your doom is set, and no one can escape it

 

If you read my blog, thnx, but today I want to speak my mind yet again.

I have for the longest time, Yearned for a battle. Not just any battle, a duel, between warriors to the death. As the Vikings say "Better to die with honor, than live with shame" I have always wanted to die, but I want to go out with glory, so that I may walk the hall of Valhalla with my ancestors. but yet, that has not come to be.

The gods have deemed that I am to live even after my enlistment. So here I am, waiting for my glorious final day.

"It is wise to search for your happiness, yet it is the process of getting there that shall be painful."

I have always been acutely aware that life is not easy, and being true to yourself has it's downfalls. Not everyone will like you, and most will reject you, so why is it that we search, why do we try so hard to form bonds? Our lives are miniscule in the greater scheme of things. Am I worth anyone's time? Is any one even worth My time? I am flooded with questions, yet the answers are never simple. Technically the answer is yes, but some times, that answer in no, or I don't know. I mean it's honestly situational right? Or is it just a preconception? Is there actually a meaning to life? or is it rather just that we are here and there is no greater meaning? What purpose what cause, is it that we have come to exist as we are? Why have we become so despondent to others? Why is everyone shamed for things they have done? And what purpose does those who judge serve?

I always ask questions, and most of the time I can answer them, but these are just a few that I can not seem to find the answer. Now there are a few things that I am constantly aware of, myself, all of existence, and my desire for oblivion. Those are my three constants. Life and death is a permanent cycle what lives must also die. But think, why do we live? what purpose does our existence serve. are we not destroying the very planet we grew on? Are we not killing off entire populations of creatures that have lived here longer than us, for our vast desire for expansion and civilization? We are inherently destructive, yet we are supposed to have a purpose. is it to destroy the world? or to live along side it?  These are things i can't pretend to know ever.

How does one know you are alive? 

"I think therefore I AM"(cogito, ergo sum)

--René Descartes

To validate that one is alive, I mean you can go physiologically and that's a pulse and warm body, being capable of free thought.

But is that really life?

What then is a life worth? Does it have weight? Is it valuable? Can it be used? There is so many aspects and attributes you can tack on to that.... So are you ALIVE? Why?

"I feel ashamed with abandon in my heart and on my face

I suffered the blame

I would show to you this way

But I'm too late

When the sorrow, it breaks them

I will replace them

For you

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart

Let it rain until it floods

Let the sun breathe life once more

Reborn

Wish you the same

To walk beside and carry on this flame

To see you again

With a radiance

Of pure and holy name

When the sorrow, it breaks them

I will replace them

For you

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart

Let it rain until it floods

Let the sun breathe life once more

Reborn

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Laid at the grave to heal a broken heart

Let it rain until it floods

Let the sun breathe life once more

Reborn

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Dead flowers for the torn apart

Let it rain until it floods

Let the sun breathe life once more

Reborn

Dead flowers for the torn apart "

Good song, definitely a mood though.

Behold PAIN 

What is life of not pain?

Would you not lay dead flowers for the torn apart,

In hope to mend a broken heart?

Pain brings us together, yet it forces us apart.

We're we all brought into this world equal? No.

We're we brought in wanting to live? Instinctually yes.

What is it then that the human condition demands us to be moral, honest, and understanding. 

We are all handed the same question. Life sucks it is going to kick you right in the teeth, and knock your ass into the dirt. It is your choice to stand back up and beat the shit out of life for trying, on wallow in the dirt like a FILTHY BITCH. What do you choose?

My answer was easy, both, and yet niether, life has no reason it just is. And as for the human condition, well there is no hope to decipher that.

Why then do we bother? Personally I wish people would just leave me alone, but I paste that plastic fake smile on and be polite, even if I want to grab the person by their throat and skin them alive, 1 square centimeter at a time. I am the man of many masks never pretend to know what I am thinking, cause I can almost guarantee that you will be surprised.

FMLS