Online now
Online now

UmbraDominus​(dom male)Verified Account

Letters from the Edge of Tolerance

This is where I document life lived with CPTSD, ADHD, DID, OCD, abandonment trauma, rage, and the long term psychological consequences of instability. Not for sympathy. Not for inspiration. For examination.

I write about trauma the way a mechanic tears down an engine. Piece by piece. What broke. Why it broke. What it still does under stress.

You will find poems that bleed without asking to be saved. Essays that dissect ethical BDSM, power exchange, dominance, consent, and responsibility without romantic illusion. Reflections on betrayal, identity, dissociation, religion, rage, control, and the uncomfortable mathematics of trust.

This is not a healing space. It is an honest one.

I do not frame survival as beautiful. I frame it as necessary.

If you are looking for optimism, look elsewhere.

If you want unfiltered analysis from someone who has lived at the upper edge of tolerance for decades and still functions, read on.

Existence is not always a gift.

Sometimes it is a condition.
5 years ago. Monday, September 14, 2020 at 5:02 AM

All along we walk these lonesome roads searching for thee. Thy one to bring the horizon. Upon the dawn we ride into the morrow, with high hopes for a living. We stand alone till the day we feel hallow within. Not tull the do we find the one to bring us the horizon. If we could wouldnt we just find an icon for hire to bring us what is we need?

 

Thus we all hope that there is nothing wrong with us even though inside we are all hollow. Dont we all hope that this isn,t how its supposed to be? We just dont want to break down, but we are all feeling down. Why is it that we ride to the morrow? Why must be alone?

Can we not see the one ahead beckoning us forward to the shade again? Can we not just run to the horizon? Or must we run some more, even though we never made it five feet from our door. Its always far from being easy, it the only way we will find. Its been a long time since we had a peace of mind. Why do we, why do i live lost within this shattered mind. I am always letting down the ones i love, I have paid the price. This is the only way, i find my soul torn asunder. But  lo bring me to the horizon.

We must rise up and gather as one, if only to be whole once again, for I need the peace of mind brought back to me.

Hi depression how ya been? Why must you leave me? Why do you beat me? Whoa, tone it down, you gonna bust a vein, It's just your fate, this isn't just your face, I'm drawn to you, and you belong to me, I hope you see that now you're stuck with me. The voice inside your head, I am the poison in your veins, I toy with your emotions,I take pleasure in your pain.

 

No that is not what this is about, lo take me to the horizon, we we all rise up. Take me to the place where my shattered self may be made whole again. Though even in life we are broken apart by lies. What if I told you that I didn't feel good enough and I'm broken? What if I said that I'm losing my faith and been struggling coping? Been stuck for a while when I look at the clock man I feel like it's frozen. Then again time is just flying too quick and I'm losing devotion?Truth is I feel no emotion. Bottle it up and all I feel is rage.

So one by one we all walk, lonesome and grasping onto the stinging metal. Where we sileintly wonder where we are. One by one you gotta sow in ashes, grow and behold. Storm and sun are taking care so one day the blossom unfolds. And thus we are brought before the horizon. 

We wander long days and hard nights, endlessly we love, we marched horizons then a day can that she was beholden. She stood before us a gleam8ng beauty beckoning us forth to the horizon, we took her hand and lo I was made whole. We ran over the mountain and through the hills, unto the sea. We waited the nights in pastionate joy, lo those night were sweet better than mine bitter days. We continued through the days, for what felt to be years.

Yet sheared away we were split and yet again I broke and shattered once again to pieces. "Hi depression, how you been?" It's been a long time, we meet again
I've been good, the fuck you been up to though?Lately you look like you're unstoppable. You must not have checked your messages. I been trying to get to you desperately. It's time you came and repaid your debt to me. I owe you nothing you are not but a piece of me, even broken i can yet see. You dont stand before me. Leave me be, there is no dept to pay, my happiness has no fee.

 

Why must you torture me? I walk alone shattered in piece though we may only be whole.Lo bring me the horizon, lest i be whole again.

 

 

 


To read and add comments, register or sign in.

Register Sign in