Somedays I just sit back and ponder my choices, was what I have done worth it? Am I a decent person? Why do I keep moving onward in the enevitable ever marching stream we know as time? Is death what I truly desire? What meaning is there to this cycle of my life? Why did the gods send me back? Will I finally have peace?
I often have many question and quite often know my answers to them. Now, don't get me wrong I am neither perfect nor a total Narcissus ( yes I spelt this right look it up if you need too.) And I am by no means suicidal. I do however crave and want my death, though I will fight to keep my life. For those who are spiritual, I am a modern druid who follows the Norse/celtic pantheons. And know that I am a very old soul. Though I am almost certain this is by no means my last cycle. Though even at my young age I do find som joy in my sardonic jokes, though not much.
Life has become quite bland, be single, find a lover, search for happiness, be courageous, do this and do that. Why? Why are we so phycologically programed that our lives become so.... Monotonous?
Why is it that some of us have become so obsessed with what's trending that we are unable to see what is right in front of us? Has our lives become so pedantic that we can no longer survive as social creatures? Or is it Taijin kyofusho ( fear of offending others)?
But in the end I come to one conclusion, it is easier not to waste time worrying about conflict, or interpersonal disputes. The question I am still finding my answer to, the conclusion I have come too. How can you make someone else happy, if you can not make yourself happy?
It's not a rant, it is how my mind works, it's easy to seek what makes you happy, money, drugs, girls, ectetera, ectetera, ectetera. But all that is temporary, and thus can only provide so much enjoyment. The bigger question is: What is happiness? Now scientifically we all know it's just the good ole pheromone dopamine, however that's not what I am asking. Think more philosophically. What is happiness? How does one obtain it, without material possessions, or relying on someone else. How do I make myself happy? How do you make yourself happy?