I am a paradox.
I never wanted to exist, yet here I am. I won't kill my self because it is a coward's way out; I have to convince myself of that daily. I grew up as the unwanted child. The youngest of eight. I spent most of my child hood days in and out of mental institutions. Where they threw the book at me for diagnosis' . And when I wasn't there I delt with mental abuse regularly. My father told me regularly. " I jacked off in a flower pot and your mother kept watering it till a blooming idiot came out. And that's why we have you." It wasn't until I was 26 did I finally tell my dad that I was a sapiosexual, and I had to explain what it meant. The at 27 he met my third boyfriend and cut ties with me. Not to mention at 21 he stole my wife of two years.
I can honestly say I am a paradox. I suffer from self annihilation disorder, depression, PTSD, flashbacks, and severe anxiety. I have ADHD, ocd, and dyslexia, and just slightly autistic, not on the spectrum though, just behavioral patterns.
I go to bed every night praying I won't wake the next day, but when I inevitably do, within 10 minutes I fit my mask on and act as if nothing is wrong because, there is no therapist who honestly cares to listen or even help. But hey I learned how to cope, or rather I had to If I want to stay away from mental institutions. I mean the whole reason I joined the army was on a hope that I would be KIA but the gods had other plans I guess. Cause I got blown up twice, and all I have to show for it is steel wires holding my knees together. Not much to show off... Even during my service no one really cared more than they were expected too. But such is life an unyielding ever marching force.
Tell me then for a man who has no desire to exist, but has the ambition to run his own company. And continues to exist dispute the desire not to. Why keep trying?
I'll tell you why. My life is filled with those who doubt me and my abilities. I live solely in spite of them, I strive to achieve the things the told me I couldn't.
And despite all that, I AM A PARADOX.
And as a friend told me " You are a demon of a million masks, behold before me is a shattered man. A man who is empty, but whole."