So the best way to start this off is to give a bit of a diagnosis, most people don't talk about this kind of stuff because it's a "touchy" topic. But I, at a very young age; 8 years old; was diagnosed with the following:
- Self anihilation disorder
- Obsessive compulsive disorder
- Attention deficit hyperactive disorder
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Insomnia
- Intermittent rage disorder
- Dyslexia
And recently I have had these reconfirmed and the list added to:
- Manic depressive disorder
- I do not have panic attacks, I have a more severe version known as manic attacks. Basically I have to calm myself or I will have essentially a heart attack, so I take Ativan
- Flashbacks (thanks army)
- Legally deaf, even though I can hear; most of the time.
- Acid reflux disease
And the list goes on for a while, but after years of treatment and working on myself. I have learned to manage all of this without medications.
Now everyday I spend ten minutes convincing myself that today will be just like the rest, and it's fine for me to continue living, and that's it is not ok to be a mass murderer( just kidding there). No I actually have to give myself the will to exist daily. And reaffirm to myself that suicide is for cowards.
After that I pray for 20 minutes at my alter, the I go on about my day. From there just before bed I pray, squaring away my mind and soul, and hope that I won't wake the next morning. When I enevitably do I repeat the process. I plan to live my life fully enjoying everything that makes me happy.