I’ve been in and out of this little wonderful community more times than I’ve switched in and out different headspace’s. Yet, that is the very reason I come back only to disappear again.
I’m hoping to accomplish a certain lifestyle and it doesn’t seem like there’s room for this side of me. Which is awful. I keep stepping away dissatisfied only to become even more antsy.
The guilt I feel from not being myself makes my stomach wrench but the guilt of allowing myself to be absorbed by BDSM makes my heart ache.
I don’t feel accepted outside the community and I don’t feel very accepted within either. I feel like a conquest that everyone wishes to conquer. The next ride at a theme park.
I want to be more like the garden that draws people in and they just linger and stay. Not because it’s fun or “a good time” but because it’s beautiful, because I’m beautiful. And not just physically. I always find myself inching towards something only to withdraw within myself. Like a collapsed cocoon.
Is there anywhere for me? Because I don’t think I have enough tears to get through another long hiatus.
its like a heavy, heavy fog….
