Indigo Blue

MountaintopMaster - Hmm, a lot of people, so it's hard to understand fully, but, it is the wife of the friendly husband who is accusing your dear widowed (?) husband of cheating...on her own husband? So, your dear friend didn't realize she was in a poly relationship, but BOTH the husband who is giving her attention, and his wife, both DO consider it a poly relationship?

If I have that all right, then here are my thoughts:

Wife needs to get over herself first and foremost, if "nothing happened" at the party. Period. If she thinks of herself as poly, but then expects the un-knowing dear friend to be "faithful" to them, without ever sitting down and clearly stating things, then that's not a dynamic or anything, that's just a vanilla "understanding" that rightfully blew up in her/their face(s) because they didn't do their due diligence. If I were the dear friend, I would say precisely that to the wife: first, we never even talked about our status, I didn't even have a clue what "poly" was/is, and second, NOTHING HAPPENED AT THE PARTY.

As for your encouragement or explanation to the dear friend, all I can say is, this is NOT normal and healthy, and she has had an unfortunate, negative first experience of (accidentally?) dipping her toes into a poly lifestyle.

Reassure her that if she never even wanted to consider herself in a committed relationship with a husband + wife in the first place, then she has every right to say so. Being curious about a kinky lifestyle does NOT mean you *must* accept a lifestyle with multiple partners. Furthermore, any one partner who makes such a big assumption, and then argues for days about it, is probably not a good person to be in a multi-person relationship with, period. I know an lg/switch, and they are...a handful.

If she does actually like the idea of poly, then maybe she could give it a shot, but with this particular couple? I'd say wait for the wife to calm down, give them some space for a good while, and see how they react to a rational discussion of the events. If wife can bring herself to trust your dear friend when she says nothing happened at the party, and/or that she had no idea the lifestyle even existed for all of you. If there is no trust, there is no room for any relationship, period.

I'm probably rambling and stating the obvious. Maybe I completely misunderstood the situation. I hope something I said proves useful!

Take care,
M.

Indigolover{Beast} - You said many useful things. The only thing you misunderstood was it is the husband that is having the problem with my friend and yelling at her not his wife.

MountaintopMaster - Ahh, I see, now that makes even more sense, indeed.

Either way, it definitely is going to come down to trust. Can he believe your dear friend when she says she 1.) had no idea she was even in a poly relationship, and 2.) did not engage in "swinging" at the party?

If he has strong feelings for your dear friend, then he should honor the relationship as a two-way street, and be able to believe her. If he simply can't hear her side of it, she needs to walk away, and he needs to learn to spell things out before considering someone to be in a committed relationship, let alone a poly one!

If the arguing (or one-sided accusations?) have been going on for 2 days, however, I'd say it's not a safe relationship to be in, period, even if you are able to help her fully understand the idea (and benefits and drawbacks, etc) of a poly relationship. Unless both parties can calm down and come to an understanding very rapidly, I'd say it's time to step away for at least a good long while. Clear communication and deep trust are hands-down the two biggest pillars of anything remotely resembling either a dynamic or a poly relationship, and it seems that both were lacking from the start. Tell your dear friend that! :-)

slaveMikayla​(sub female){MstrJ } - MM gave good advice.
*deep sigh* this has all the earmarks of a very emotionally abusive relationship. First off, communication is key. It seems like there as been no clear communication. No discussions of expectations, boundaries, limits, etc on any side. She is being emotionally manipulated. I don't know what you CAN say to "open her eyes" to the situation, as there is no making sense out of craziness.
To be in any form of relationship both/all parties have to AGREE and KNOW. He is being controlling and demanding but without a leg to stand on, and now he is taking that leg without consent. He is using emotional manipulation and probably a fair bit of gaslighting to do it. If he were pulling this sh** on an unhealthy submissive soul .... the terrifying thing is... it would WORK. It would be abusive and wrong, but it would work.... and he knows it too is my guess.

I guess my advice would be this... I'd sit her down and let her hear what a HEALTHY poly dynamic looks like in that situation: so allow me.

If E and I were in that situation it would look like this... or ... let me go with my ex Master and his live in *person*. He and I were in a relationship. She and He were in a relationship. She and I knew about eachother and spoke regularly on good terms about everything from crafts, to nails, to exercise to cooking... whatever. We did NOT discuss our respective relationships. Both relationships were closed poly. She did not have other relationships. I did not have other relationships. He did not have other relationships, though it was fine by me if he DID, so long as I was aware. All that out of the way....
So #1 He was on my Google maps location sharing... and I'm on His. This wasnt about being jealous, it was just a peace of mind and a time saver for us both. Instead of me constantly asking "did you make it home?" I could just look, and vice versa. When I was going to go out to an event, like a wedding, or hang out with friends I'd post in our "family chat" that I was headed out, with whom, and what the itinerary was. He or she or they both would wish me a great time, and I'd send pictures if I felt like it. (I always felt like it) because we ENJOY sharing with eachother. If I ended up being out later than expected or whatever, I'd give them a heads up and I'd let them know when I was home safely.
Never once did either of them harass me about where I was or with whom. I never put myself in the situation of having my honor or integrity questioned and they never once doubted me. The same was true on their end! I had no desire or right to know where she was going or what she was up to... but many times she would want to share about when she went out to one of her crafting events. They filmed her giving a speech about something she was particularly adept at <3 and I encouraged her and told her how well she had done. (she really did <3)
When they went somewhere together many times he would take two seconds to send me a quick picture of something he knew I would enjoy just as a way o saying "you are still on my mind". Yes, His focus was RIGHTLY on her and their time... but he always included me too. I still remember my favorite being the new year's eve party they attended. He filmed a little girl the age of my kiddo having a blast and told me how much he wished my kiddo were there to play with her. He also filmed the countdown to midnight for me <3
The point being.... the hallmarks of our interactions together were SUPPORT, thoughtfulness, consideration, open communication, transparency or at least honesty.
When you start walking in spaces of accusation, territorial jealousy, anger, fear, insecurity, hostility.... it is time to take a few dozen steps backwards. This is not a healthy dynamic. You can never ever convince someone of your integrity or your honesty. Either they are capable of seeing it or not. Most times that has far more to do with THEM than with you. Once you begin to walk in lack of trust and accusation... that house has burned. Whether it is by your own doing, or by their own emotional and mental baggage it matters not. That is quicksand that can only lead to abusive behavior.

~Your friend will be in my thoughts, and I hope she makes a wise decision.
~Faith

MountaintopMaster - That's a very good point. It wasn't made clear if the dear friend might tend towards being submissive, but it sounds like it. And that type of person, especially if they don't even realize they're a submissive in a relationship with a dominant, is a recipe for serious emotional abuse or manipulation.

This seemingly dominant husband should know better than to not clearly define things with someone, and then on top of that, not believe the person when they explain their side of things. That sounds like someone who has not learned to properly manage/curb their dominant energy at all. Maybe they're totally "safe" to be in a relationship with, in terms of no physical abuse, or offering emotional support when things are going well. But if this is how a conflict or misunderstanding is handled, it's not something that will be emotionally healthy in the long run. I think I am playing captain obvious again, so I'll shut up and go to bed now. ;-)

Indigolover{Beast} - Thank you soooooo much for sharing. This information helps as well as MM. I knew coming to my community was the right thing to do.