So I recently had someone claim that my clinic depression was the reason I like weird shit. By weird they meant my 7 piercings, stretched ears, tattoos and dyed hair. Do I think any of that has to do with my depression? No. My ear piercing and gauges are a statement. My nose stud was my reward for quiting a bad habit. My belly button ring was in celebration of leaving a really bad relationship. My tattoos are symbols and art I want to carry. My hair is how I feel at the time.
But it got me thinking, if these narrow minded little beans can't handle my outward appearance, they would just loose it if they knew about my 'deviant' lifestyle. I'm sure they would say a lot of it was to do with my depression. Or maybe it's the cause of it. But for me the 2 things are very separate. When I go into a depression it's like I'm being pulled under water. Everything is harder and slower and I just go numb. I don't care about much, I don't go see friends, I don't do any of my hobbies, going to work and caring for my pets saps all the energy from me. It's not a time for me to go 'I really want to go play and have someone beat me' because it's simply to much work. Being part of the bdsm community (especially on line) gives me new people to interact with so I don't totally shut down, it provides stimulating conversations on thinks that make me interested (a hard thing when I'm in that state).
I am also hoping that it means when I start to come out of my next down(because there always is another one) I will have a better outlet. When I come out in start to feel again and it is overwhelming, I often self harm. I am interested in seeing if maybe this will provide an alternative to help ground me and make me physically present. One that doesn't leave permanent marks and make me sad all over again.
