The deep thoughts of my mind.

The feeling of alone. The feeling of alone isn't just something that you can fix. Its something that you feel deep in your soul. Being isolated for weeks upon months mentally and having no sort of emotional connection makes one long for another soul. Longing for another soul while yours is in embers slowly fading away like ashes in the fire. The lost connection can kill a human being and show no symptoms of death. Nightmares of your past and how you treated people come and haunt for ages until it takes its toll and collects its bounty. Closing my eyes and seeing her standing in the winds fading ever so slowly, not wanting to come back is killing me. Day after day seeing he every time I close my eyes for what feels like eternity, letting me know that what I had is gone and will never come back. When there is not a nightmare, I see a young little girl running to me. Blonde hair blue eyes pink shirt that says daddys little angel, shorts and black and white converse, screaming at me to come home and never leave her again. That she misses me and wants me to stay home. I've seen her crying her eyes out calling me to come home asking me why I hate her. Why I don't love her, why can't I just be back to who I used to be. Why can't she come with me everywhere I go. That fatherly feeling deep in my soul longs to have that in my life. When does one learn how to correct themselves? When will this loneliness finally fade away like the woman I used to be in love with? Why can't I get this right? I feel numb, I feel anger, I feel lost in a sea with a raging storm that will not allow the light to shine and direct me to safety. The vivid hallucinations I receive are tearing me apart. Breaking down and bawling your eyes out for three hours in the middle of the day with other drivers looking at you, walking up to your truck and seeing if you're alright is definitely something I'm not used to. Knowing there is a child in my subconscious that is trying to wake me up to them is a scary feeling. Knowing that you do not have any ability to make her appear and be on this earth with you is terrifying. I would give anything to have her here. I would give anything to have that woman I used to love back to the way she was. I would give anything to be who I used to be. I dont want to be me anymore. I dont want to be this intimidating giant that can crush peoples skulls with one blow. I hate who I've become. I want to be sane and not have these feelings of deep terror. These vivid dreams of this child scare me to the point of wanting to end this tent that is called the human body and send my soul to her but I know that the only way I will ever meet her is staying in my tent to meet her. I'm not a good person. I'm not a happy person. I'm not good at loving other people. I have too many control issues. I felt the same way about my best friends wife knowing that he trusts her and seeing a picture of her with another man and the feeling of anxiety and violent  flags it threw at me should not have happened. Whats going on with me? Why do I always have to be the one that sees things that everyone else views as fine but its pops red flag? Why can't i be fixed? Why can't i think clearly anymore? What have I done to become this way? My mind will over think and my personality is violent with vicious cycles of love hate anger pain. I can't get a grasp on reality and have been fighting the monsters in my head. How many heart breaks will it take to finally end me? I lose all track of time and space for weeks not realizing I'm even breathing, driving sleeping eating and making deliveries.  I'm honestly terrified of myself. My mind is my own worst enemy and I can't even take his toaster. How many times do I have to be black out drunk to get her off my mind? I feel as if its a never ending pain that won't stop. I just want it to stop. What has this shit done to me? People tell me they love me but, I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am or who I've become. Why? Who am I?