Sometimes I still see her in dreams. She's been gone since last July, and it still bothers me I never got to say goodbye. Without even a whisper she left. I try to visit in the astral but I can't find her. I know she's out there, but then again, maybe I'm just lost..
Please take me back to the start
When we still held this close to our hearts
I won't let it tear us apart
Please take me back to the times
When you could see the life in my eyes
And you knew that my love will never die
My love will never die
Please take me back to the times
When you could see the life in my eyes
And you knew that my love will never die
I promise I won't leave here, "don't let me die", I'm fucking screaming.
Sometimes, it's not good for me to dwell on what can be, knowing it may never happen. Daydreams can be just as harsh to a fragile reality than a death of a loved one. the loved one was at least real.
How do we find the ones we seek from the dream realms? How does that even work? Especially since we don't have their names to go by. Now I know I'm as stubborn as they come, but that desire draws me in faster and harder every time I see her. the one time we spent a night in ancient ruins of a society that had been gone for 1000s of years, but the large marble structures were still standing defying the tests of time. We've taken interstellar trips to different universes, met all kinds of different beings and creatures. We've even stolen spaceships and traversed the multiverse including dimensional travel. I know a lot of this makes me sound like I've lost my mind, but to me these adventures feel real. I know they're not and that's what bothers me.
even though we would never leave earth, at least not physically, I wouldn't care what I would have to go through to get to her. I would drop everything and leave it all behind to be by her side. it is comforting and safe there. she knows every little detail of me and my life. she knows how to calm the beast in a fit of rage like beauty and the beast. like how Belle soothes the beast when he is upset, she gets herself hurt in the process but doesn't give up. the only difference between me and the beast, I'm not a "pampered prince" turned cursed beast.
I don't even know how to describe her in words that can capture her inner and outer beauty. her luscious locks of hair she wears with pure confidence. The way she can just flash her eyes at me and pretty much get me to do whatever she wants. The way she smells with her perfume and how it mixes perfectly with her pheromones is absolutely intoxicating. One whiff and I'm sent like a cartoon character is pulled to the scent of a resting pie on a windowsill. Now, even though I speak so highly of her, she also places me on a pedestal above everyone else. I'm priority #1 to her, she treats me as her king, her dominate. she makes sure I am well taken care of, and I do the same in return for her. making sure she doesn't need anything and that she is more than happy, but 100% fulfilled in every aspect of her being. She doesn't make me feel like less of a man because I mess something up or forget something along the lines somewhere.
Her heart, it gives me the warmest feeling like I'm 15 again experiencing my first kiss. The way she speaks is very soft spoken but can cuss like a sailor if you piss her off. The way she shows her loving, nurturing motherly figure when she needs to show it is second to none. she would have made the best mother a son or daughter could ask for. This woman makes me actually feel alive when we see each other in the realms and can't get that here in reality. Shes the one I've been dying for. I don't know how else to put it honestly.
I find myself wanting to stay in that dream like state all day, every day. I don't want to wake up most days. and when I do wake up, I find myself trying to get back to her, but only seeing the abysmal depths of nothingness. Some days I wake up more and more depressed, knowing she is not going to be beside me when I wake up. but on the other hand, I find myself begging for her to come to me. Or let me find her. I would be more than happy to wait but it's been since I was 17 that I've been chasing her. she's gotta be out there, right? they wouldn't allow me to have these dreams and not let me get the life we deserve together. I could die happy knowing I spent a lifetime with her, seeing her happy, watching us grow together, through the hardest times and the greatest times. Shes gotta be out there, right?
Shes gotta be out there somewhere... Waiting... But where do we look?
She's back. She's getting stronger in my dreams. This go around, we went adventuring into an abandoned 1950s home. I can't get over of how beautiful her dark red hair, bright green eyes, fair pale skin just absolutely make my heart melt.
The house we explored, was beautiful. I wish I could have seen it in its original state. Now I didn't know the woman I keep seeing is also into tarot, able to see the spirits like me and also able to communicate with them. The people we seen were dressed like 1940s pajamas. The house had alot of similarities as the house I'm living in now. The basement where my room is, appeared to be an old wash room.
Now we sat near the kitchen/dining room area, drawing our tarot cars. She has such powerful energy around her. Reminds me of Velma from Scooby Doo. Anyways as we were pulling cards, this black lady walked passed us dressed in her pajamas, giving us a disapproving look in our direction. We were kind of taken by surprise as she walked by. The house was supposed to have been abandoned for the last 50 years. We both looked at each other like "wait, what the fuck was that?!" We asked more questions for the cards to answer, and the cards were matching on both of our decks even though we had separate decks. like we would both get a card pulled at the same time and it would be the exact same cards.
As we went to stand up to go explore some more, out of nowhere, the black lady that passed us before, walks passed us again. Only this time she went down the stairs to the basement. I remember blatantly saying to the lady "have a good night ma'am" and to which she replied "thank you" and kept going. So what do we do being all adventurous and mildly arrogant? We walk off after her to see where she is going. Turned out to be a good idea after all. As we got down the extra long flight of stairs, we see her candlelight, lighting the way. We are obviously about as curious as a playful kitty that sees a new toy. We take off into another corridor, looking for the next best spot to check stuff out. We make a few lefts and a few rights, we come to a beautiful ballroom. The floors looked as if they were just freshly waxed the day before with a perfect glass like polish on it. As were checking out the gorgeous paintings of times gone, we come up to a beautiful Victorian era hutch. Intricate gold inlays in the wood, expensive silver tarnished door handles, mahogany wood grain. And inside was an intricate and delicate sculpture.
The best way I can describe this sculpture, made of white marble, hand carved into the wing of a large raven. On this wing was a battle scene from a war that had to have happened centuries ago. She was afraid to touch it, meanwhile I scoop it up just as you would cradle a newborn. Some of the pieces were made out of very light crystals that sparkled in the light just as her eyes do.
We both hear a bloodcurdling scream coming from where we had entered the room at. we both snapped our heads to that direction like rabid animals on a hunt. I put the sculpture back where I got it, closed the doors gently and headed to where we heard the sound. As we walked for what felt like a half hour, we finally make it to the source of the scream. I turn my head to check the area were in just to make sure it's safe for her and I to come in. We see the lady that passed us near the dining room staring into the abyss. There was a room off to her right, our left, that she kept directing her energy into, as if she was trying to keep something alive that she loves. Being curious as we were, we start walking and see the room she was directing to. In the room there was an old and I mean old cast iron tub with the porcelain coating to keep the tub from oxidizing. A commode, beautiful vanity, and intricate wall decorations. All of a sudden, I see a man in the said tub. He is very confused as to how I could see him and he could see us. Now I still dont know her name, every time I go to ask, I wake up from dead sleep.
Back to the dream. She is confused as to why shes hearing the mans voice but not seeing him at the same time. I tell her he's sitting in the tub staring at us confused to why we are here and how we can see him. She said she couldn't see anything besides an empty room with nothing but concrete walls and darkness, all while im seeing the room fully lit up, warm, and smelling of fresh soap. I turn around to the lady that we seen who is acting as a guide in the darkness, I ask as politely as I can, being taught my manners by a little old southern woman, "Ma'am, what exactly is going on here? is there anything I can do to help you?" To which she quietly replied "No, no amount of help will save us from our sentence in this realm. I am thankful y'all came to visit." "We haven't had a visitor since Charles died in 1862. He doesn't see your lady friend because she is not really here in this realm like you are. She still in the human realm, awake in her bed, pondering her life choices. Please, follow me back to the upper levels, where she will be able to speak to you again. I know you have many questions for me, but they will have to wait as you have just as many if not more for her to answer. Come along now youngin, we have a brisk walk to take."
After we started taking the walk to wherever the "upper levels" were, I seen her in a much brighter light, a much more clear and vivid light. As soon as I got there she came up to me and gave me a big hug, kissed me on the lips and told me how much she loves taking adventures with me. I looked deeply into those beautiful green eyes and told her "Please don't go. every adventure we take together, I'm falling more and more in love with you, I have a hard time in the waking world knowing I can visit with you here, but it just isn't the same up there." "Is there any way we can find each other and actually go do stuff like this? I try to ask your name but every time you open your mouth to tell me, I'm ripped out of here and forced to wake up. Its been 10 physical years we've been going on adventures. I want to go with you in real life. Is there any way?"
And just like always, she starts to move her mouth, I'm slapped awake with reality, dying to stay asleep to hear what she has to say. I dont know how much more I can take of this. I will hold out for another year. she knows who she is. I will find you.
I still dream of her. I wish I could get a good enough look at her face and it be burned into my memory. Maybe I'll remember her face better.
You know on movies and what not, when there a couple of teens and they're learning what puppy love is, and the scene shows him staring and him absolutely melting into the stare right. And then they pan over to her, she's the proverbial definition (I think I worded that correctly) but the proverbial definition of glowing, and there's a slight breeze and it's blowing her hair a tad bit, and she's having a conversation and she's happy and smiling right, that's how I see her. If I could paint her with accuracy, I would. I'd cherish it for the rest of my life.
There was a while ago, a time I slept 19 hours. And during that 19 hours, I lived an entire life with her. On a ranch out in Western Wyoming. She was the sweetest fire cracker you'd ever meet. Soft spoken but more stubborn than a mule. And she could cook. I would have bet on her against a Michelin star chef.
We never had little ones, she wasn't able to carry. We tried and failed alot. It always made her depressed. Me, I always took my sadness and depression out on the creeks and lakes. Out there, nobody can hear your screams and cries. We never fell out of love, we just both went cold inside. We stopped trying after about 10 years of nothing but failures. It also was taking a toll on her body and I did not want to lose her.
We would go on adventures.
One adventure we went on was to a large abandoned shopping mall. Turns out the lower levers were flooded and riddled with sink holes with excellent fishing. We got lost in there for about a week. Best week we ever spent together.
One day she'll come back to me.
I turn 27 today. That's all. Thank you.
I honestly don't get it. What is it that I'm doing wrong here? Here's my problem, I put myself out there all over the place, as honest as can be and it's like I'm in a perpetual cycle of getting my hopes up just to be slapped with rejection everywhere I go.
Is it because of my profession?
Is it my looks, my weight or my hight?
I know I don't smell bad..
What the hell am I doing wrong?
I'm polite
I'm gentle
I'm respectful
I'm clean
I take pretty good care of myself
What the fuck.. what to I gotta do to actually be happy? Do I just treat everyone like shit? Is that how this works? I've been steadily watching everyone I grew up with, went to school with, exs and friends all be happy and have wives and children. What the fuck am I doing wrong?
I hate societal standards.
There's a picture that goes with it. It's in my profile pics.
Eyes of death
Mouth of hell
This wretched swamp
We know so well
The hate that we hide
Crawls up from the depths
We gave you an inch
But you went for the throat
The numbness has consumed me for ages. Ever since I was a young teen. I fear no death. If it happens, I mean what can you do? It's life's #1 guarantee. I'm not s****dal by any means.
I have no fear. Normally if a spider landed on me I'd flip shit. Not as of late. Just gave it a good blow off my arm with my breath and went on about my day. I don't get that "butterfly" feeling like I used to when I drive a little bit past my limits.
Met a woman a few days ago and she kinda reality checked me pretty hard. Not that she did anything intentionally, but I see myself in a much different light because of it. And of course, as per usual she absolutely annihilated me with a rejection. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I don't know if there was something I did wrong or not considering, the fact of how she hung up on me and just hasn't called or texted. Been about a week. So that's a dead end.
I know every ten years or so our bodies go through a physical change, but I feel as if I'm stuck. Stuck like you're fishing and reeling in your line and it catches something and just digs deeper and the barb on the hook holds it tight. You fight and fight to keep your precious lures but your line is too strong and just does not want to break. Yeah that's how stuck I feel.
Love is a funny thing. Has a certain ring. Maybe I'm just incapable of actually loving someone the way I have before. Been down every highway in the United States and stopped in many towns.. made lots of acquaintances, few friends, but that doesn't give me what I need. Friends are fantastic but, what I need is real intimacy. Someone that's not gonna base their opinions of me on my past.
I'm silent most days because of it. If I opened my mouth, I'd never have a bridge to fall back upon to cross. I'm not looking to be "saved" but more along the lines of stabilized. How does stability even look? No idea. I've met millionaires with everything they've ever dreamed of, and they're so far out of their minds, full of blind rage, depression and loneliness. I've also met people with nothing but the shirt on their backs, be a genius but nobody to endorse him.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm an individual that feels lost and alone in a sea of 7 billion people.. lacking intimacy, the ability to properly interact, and someone to support me just as I would support them.
Silence speaks volumes.