Watching the cancers rot a person is quite a fucked up situation. The necrosis, the delusions, motteling, the major organ failures all are horrendous to watch. Jaundice from the liver breaking down. The dark bruises on the face of a 49 year old pistol that does what she wants, when she wants and fell out of her bed Monday.
I've learned in the last few days, no matter how healthy you are, no matter how many precautions you take, the world has its ways of taking you back to where you came from.
Also as someone with an auditory processing disorder, the mumbles and incoherent ramblings make it worse as it takes longer to understand what was said. Also on stop of being a pistol, she's as spicy as a Carolina reaper when she's normally a soft spoken, manner oriented gentle person.
I'm not asking for condolences or anything like that. Just putting thoughts into words. Not sure how else to express my thoughts. It also doesn't help that her two daughters, and two neices are at each other's throats constantly throughout the day.
The necrosis is bad enough that it's causing my body to go into survival mode. Meaning it makes me hungry, unable to sleep and jittery. Also extremely thirsty.
It's currently 3:33 am est, she's been more coherent that she has in over 5 days. As if it's a "second wind." I've been here for three days now. I hope she takes her flight soon, she's suffered enough. She's also been asking why she's taking so long to die, quite a mind altering question. The people she asked for has showed up and said their goodbyes, but she's holding out for something or someone. Not quite sure. Almost all of her organs have shut down except her heart, lungs and her brain will be the last to go. Such a strong willed woman. I hope one day in a life I can meet someone like that for myself.
She has been going from age 12 and then to age 20, 20-26, and then she goes from five days ago to six months ago. The mental ages are what I believe to be her "reliving" past experiences in her life but she doesn't realize she speaks of it.
I know I'll never forget helping an terminally Ill woman light and smoke a cigarette. Helping her stand even though she should have been gone by now. She's still human and expects to be treated with manners. As I said, spicy. Especially if you're rude to her.
I'm gonna back on out of here now, catch ya later.
