The numbness has consumed me for ages. Ever since I was a young teen. I fear no death. If it happens, I mean what can you do? It's life's #1 guarantee. I'm not s****dal by any means.
I have no fear. Normally if a spider landed on me I'd flip shit. Not as of late. Just gave it a good blow off my arm with my breath and went on about my day. I don't get that "butterfly" feeling like I used to when I drive a little bit past my limits.
Met a woman a few days ago and she kinda reality checked me pretty hard. Not that she did anything intentionally, but I see myself in a much different light because of it. And of course, as per usual she absolutely annihilated me with a rejection. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I don't know if there was something I did wrong or not considering, the fact of how she hung up on me and just hasn't called or texted. Been about a week. So that's a dead end.
I know every ten years or so our bodies go through a physical change, but I feel as if I'm stuck. Stuck like you're fishing and reeling in your line and it catches something and just digs deeper and the barb on the hook holds it tight. You fight and fight to keep your precious lures but your line is too strong and just does not want to break. Yeah that's how stuck I feel.
Love is a funny thing. Has a certain ring. Maybe I'm just incapable of actually loving someone the way I have before. Been down every highway in the United States and stopped in many towns.. made lots of acquaintances, few friends, but that doesn't give me what I need. Friends are fantastic but, what I need is real intimacy. Someone that's not gonna base their opinions of me on my past.
I'm silent most days because of it. If I opened my mouth, I'd never have a bridge to fall back upon to cross. I'm not looking to be "saved" but more along the lines of stabilized. How does stability even look? No idea. I've met millionaires with everything they've ever dreamed of, and they're so far out of their minds, full of blind rage, depression and loneliness. I've also met people with nothing but the shirt on their backs, be a genius but nobody to endorse him.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is I'm an individual that feels lost and alone in a sea of 7 billion people.. lacking intimacy, the ability to properly interact, and someone to support me just as I would support them.
Silence speaks volumes.
