(inconsequential "woe is me" lies beyond this point -
enter if you dare ?)
To long for something you've never experienced, but to be wary or even terrified of receiving it, all within the same heartbeat.
The Germans likely have a word for it.
There are many things my heart calls out for; things that bring with them a longing so deep it oftentimes hurts. Things I've had at one point but have no longer. Things I've never had at all. Things I don't even feel I deserve.
I've never experienced what true intimacy feels like. To be connected with another person, open to their emotions and your own. To love someone and to be loved - not because you have to, not because you're family, but simply because. I've never experienced what it feels like to be surrounded by people who openly show their affection. My mother never hugged me except on the very rare occasion to apologize for something, and my dad has never been an outwardly affectionate person.
Physical touch is something I've been deprived of my entire life. In some ways, I'm terrified of it - not only am I unused to it, but I don't want to subject someone to touching a body I can't even stand to look at.
Below that fear, however, lies a profound yearning. An aching need for so many things I'm scared of actually experiencing.
For someone to climb in bed behind me and hold me as we sleep.
For someone to braid or run their fingers through my hair as I sit at their feet, or let me play with theirs.
For someone to hold my hand when we're out in public.
For someone to hug me simply because they wanted to.
For someone to touch me whenever they want to, just because they want to.
For someone to lock their arms around me and not let go because they know we both need that comfort and security.
For someone to let me take care of them by cleaning their hands or holding them when they need comfort.
I want these things, and yet I can't imagine letting myself have them. I can talk the talk, but if somebody tried to get me to walk the walk, I'd bolt instead.
And then I think, "Do it regardless of my protest, knowing my longing and need outweigh my fear and insecurities. Knowing how stubborn I can be, and that I likely won't acquiesce in this situation despite wanting to."
But that would require an established relationship and a tremendous amount of trust, neither of which come easily.
I just wish it wasn't so hard - that accepting a basic human need didn't feel insurmountable. I wish the thought of being touched by someone didn't send my stomach into my throat and my heart to rain down like dust. I wish I had someone with the patience to teach me how to become comfortable with showing and receiving affection; I wish I was at a place to be able to accept that help.
I just... wish.
