Secret Window

Hello!

Hello!

How are you?

How are you?

I asked you first!

I asked you first!

Oh, that's reeaallllyyy mature...

ahem... please excuse us...

Self play...

Abrupt topic change, I know, but bear with me here...

Self-play: What is it, how is it done, and what does it entail? Probably all the same question with the same answer, but I might actually have a chance at putting my thoughts into comprehensible English if I rephrase them enough times.

How does one act out BDSM without a partner?

As a submissive, I'm aware that some things can be done alone. Shibari comes to mind - using rope to create intricate and pretty patterns - though I have yet to explore it myself. Inflicting and experiencing pain in any manner of ways, be it flogging or piercing or paddling or whatever else. Tease/denial, edging, and orgasm control. I suppose, in the physical sense, you might even be able to act out things such as bathroom control, should you hold yourself accountable.

But then I have to wonder: if you are both acting out/inflicting/enforcing these things, and experiencing/feeling/receiving them, wouldn't that make you both the Dominant and submissive? Is it simply a matter of what headspace you're in, the role you're playing, or the scene you're imagining and enacting?

If that's the case, would it be possible to use those same actions to act out dominance instead?

To use an example - you're engaging in self-play and, say, paddling yourself. Depending on your headspace, could the intent behind and subsequent pleasure from that be either masochism or sadism?

Both?

Neither?

Maybelline?

Personally, I don't quite understand how to engage in self-play. The mental/psychological/emotional aspect is a very large part of my desires, rather than purely physical. How can I fall into a deeply submissive headspace when I know there's nobody there to catch me? How can I play alone when my deepest satisfaction is derived from being guided, controlled, used, possessed, and owned entirely? From being given orders/commands that I can either reverently obey when he wants compliance, or tauntingly defy when he wants a fight?

I am an overthinker to my core (as you may or may not be able to tell), and I have yet to find anything I can do by myself that quiets my mind enough to truly let go. Desire strikes and I will take care of the physical, but trying to find that submissive headspace and embrace the mental is akin to chasing a runaway train wearing lead boots.

**I'm the one wearing the boots, to clarify - not the train. Trains prefer sneakers, considering they're always running on a track**

I guess what I'm trying to say is: how does one engage in self-play if their desire lies in being directed, guided, and dominated by another? I can run through the forest at night, but it would just make me feel like an idiot rather than prey, knowing I'm not being chased by my Daddy.

PS - here's a cookie for anyone who actually understood that first reference 🍪

I like you

My beautiful golden cage, as delicate and nurturing as it is unyielding and fierce; though the misinformed may think it a prison, it is instead where I found my haven. Under the protection of a guiding hand and commanding presence, I built my nest and curled up tight, contented and docile. A sense of freedom known only when looking out from behind the gilded bars.

My fears became fearful and knew to hide, for they had ceased to be the sole ruler of my actions; every worry weighing my heart eased by the right words, a racing mind lulled to a state of tranquility by nothing more than the soothing resonance; the burdens once pulling me under, drowning me in a sea of my own creation, could no longer find hold; each decision, once a battle inside my mind, became an order to follow with ease. A soul made untouchable by the cruelties beyond, for the cage wherein I found my peace was built by the one to whom I entrusted my being.

But all that glitters...

To one day wake and find empty space where once there stood a barricade was a sorrow felt soul-deep. I had clipped my own wings, letting go of my defenses in the ultimate show of trust and devotion, yet with no desire to fly free, I stumbled my way past the door left hanging open. Made to leave the protection of my cage, safe and warm, I walked back out into the biting gale and piercing rain to which I was born.

Bars that once provided comfort traded for a wall that kept me apart, the distance marked by a chasm of indifference once filled with intimate affection. Yet desolate and chilled to the bone, I never faltered nor strayed, peering through the window at my glinting cage. Fearing every morning that I may one day look to find another in my place, a crippling agony in my heart with each reminder that my vacancy is looking to be filled - that I am no longer welcome. Yet, a gnawing hope ignites each night - dreams that I might one day be allowed back inside, locked safely behind the bars as I finally learned what it meant to be free.

But still, I preen, keeping my wings clipped and clean, even when hope begins to fade as a new dawn breaks. Though the effort now goes unnoticed, I still try my hardest to be a good girl and follow the rules once set in stone. So now, I lie in wait with my back to the glass, displaying the faithfulness to which I still hold fast. Vulnerable and aching in body and mind, I call on Midas to come down from his throne and return me to the place whence my heart had found home.

"Her penultimate sighs called softly on the kindling wind

Her saintly eyes filling with tears, lifting with truth

And then a golden flash like the onset of Heaven

Leaving her screams breaking my heart

And in the grip of fire I knew the death of love"

I am a submissive
I am a brat
I am a baby girl
I am a masochist
I am a pet
I am prey
I am me

I am many things

I am an oddity, an anomaly, a contrarian, and a walking contradiction

I am light, and I fight the darkness instilled in me

I am strong in my vulnerability

I am insecure, and far too sensitive, and a little too self-aware for my own comfort

I am intelligent, and I am a fool

I am a laugher, a crier, a pouter, and a cuddler

I am not a feminist, and I am okay with that

I am needy, greedy, clingy, protective, and possessive

I am dependent, and I want to need as much as I need to be needed

I am a giver, a pleaser, and a helper, and it fulfills me to satisfy another

I am an introvert, and I still long for my person so that we may be alone together

I am quiet, reserved, and modest, and I am playful, teasing, and uninhibited with the few I trust

I am a homebody, and I love road trips to nowhere, to wander and see the beauty of Mother Nature

I am gentle, and I can put up a very good fight when it is wanted or needed of me

I am soft, nurturing, loving, caring, obsequious, wanting, and willing

I am a lover of lingering touches, soft kisses, gentle pets, and sweet smiles

I am a fiend for bruises, bites, blood, scratches, and marks of ownership

I am a woman who longs to be loved, cherished, protected, owned, and possessed

I am someone who needs words of affirmation, pet names, and open affection, and I crave to hear every dirty thought, degrading name, and each filthy thing I can come to expect

I am monogamous, loyal, faithful, devoted, dedicated, and unwavering

I am shy, bashful, and awkward, and I have a filthy, wicked, debauched mind with desires to match

I am a yearner for all things loving, intimate, and affectionate, and I crave the dark, feral, savage parts of my chosen's soul

I am tender, sweet, obedient, affectionate, lovey-dovey, and innocent

I am primal, feral, passionate, stubborn, mischievous, and lascivious

I am me, in all of my idiosyncrasies

I have always enjoyed browsing and reading profiles on this site - not to find a partner or even start a conversation, but simply out of curiosity. I read to learn, to see the world from different perspectives and walks of life. I read to get to know the people here, at least to the extent they wish to present themselves. I read to get a feel for shared opinions, beliefs, values, desires, limits, expectations, and mentalities. In all of that reading, and the many profiles I’ve looked through over the years, there is one very common sentence that always seems to appear:

“My submission needs to be earned.”

And yet, I have seldom seen that expressed from the other side of the slash. From my recollection, I can’t think of more than, perhaps, five profiles from a Dominant’s perspective that have mentioned their expectations for one to earn their dominance. Of the few I have seen, most were written by women.

And so I think to myself: why is that? Speaking generally, why do we, as women, feel it imperative to state that our submission or dominance must be earned? Furthermore, why do we so rarely acknowledge that we, too, must earn someone’s submission or dominance, if they are indeed things to be earned?

I realize this can be a contentious and touchy subject, and likely even a controversial opinion on my part. But I also feel it is an important topic to bring forward - one that hopefully encourages people to think.

We, as women, often benefit from double standards, and the impunity that comes with them. Why is it fair to say that our submission must be earned - for that belief to hold so much weight that it becomes part of our very first impression - yet say nothing of how we intend to earn someone’s dominance? Why is it fair that I constantly read on profiles, “thou shalt not send unsolicited nudes,” and see entire blogs dedicated to criticizing men for sending them - yet in personal conversations, I hear from Dominant men about receiving unsolicited and unwanted pictures from women? And I cannot recall a single instance of women being called out or criticized for such behavior, even though we cast the first stone.

It’s not a topic that many like to acknowledge, and one that fewer still want to speak on, but it is important and deserves attention. Why are men held to a different standard than women? We are all human, and we should all be held to the same expectations - especially if we are the ones preaching them the loudest.

Please let it be known that I don’t mean to ruffle any feathers or point any fingers. I speak only from my own perspective and experience, and that which I have personally observed from my time here, but I also believe this subject deserves reflection. My intent is not to provoke, but to perhaps invite consideration of something that impacts us all.

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The tracks hum low,

a line of silver vanishing into haze.

I press my hand against the rattling glass

and watch the fields lean away.

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Once, the tide rose hungry,

wrapping the shore

in arms of storm and steel,

its devotion cast like pearls

through the rippling waves.

Now the ocean lies withdrawn,

its heartbeat pulled far from reach.

Only brittle shells remain--

fragments of a melody

the water no longer sings.

I kneel at the edge of salt and sand,

hands open to the drying strand,

pleading with the water

to return

and drown me sweetly

as it once did.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Pray for me,
for the lonely heart
that longs only to be
prey for you

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

A sweet kiss to warm the cold bite of steel trailing down my thigh, touch feather-light as only a promise of pain could be

A hand locked around my throat, fingers wrapped beneath my jaw and held in place as I feel the roughened words against my lips

"Hold still."

A predatory eye watching me like prey, blade continuing a path up the inside of my thigh, my only words a quiet whisper

"Yes, Daddy."

A moment suspended in time as the sharpened steel slips beneath soft lace, leaving the faintest line of fiery red in its wake

A hushed whimper hangs in the air as my panties are sliced down the middle, skin against skin as he rests heavy against my hip

"Turn over."

A victim of his every whim, at the mercy of his loving cruelty, each action under his fierce control, I whisper once more

"Yes, Daddy."

A sigh of contentment greets his ears as a chill of fear meets his watchful eye, metal kissing my skin and tracing an icy line down my spine

A pointed tip digs deeper into rounded flesh, pressing just hard enough to leave behind his claim as he scars my body with his name

"Mine."

A hand pushes aside the fall of my hair, teeth sinking into my neck as a low growl of satisfied possession rumbles against my back

"Yours."

I want to know what it feels like to have loving arms wrapped around me

I want to know what it feels like to be dressed or have my hair brushed

I want to know what it feels like to wear something that symbolizes his ownership of me for all to see

I want to know what it feels like to have my fingers idly played with as a way to soothe himself

I want to know what it feels like to hear the deep baritone of an "I love you" and be made to believe it

I want to know what it feels like to be relieved of the obligation to speak when out in public

I want to know what it feels like to be told what to do, knowing that I will obey

I want to know what it feels like to be protected, safe, secure, and content

I want to know what it feels like to be petted while receiving nourishment from his hand alone

I want to know what it feels like to be looked at with love and pride and hunger

I want to know what it feels like to be handled confidently with patience and care

I want to know what it feels like to be held at night or laid down for a nap

I want to know what it feels like to have a protective and possessive gaze locked on me with a constant awareness

I want to know what it feels like to be taught how to please him

I want to know what it feels like to have my hair wrapped around his hand when I don't

I want to know what it feels like to be watched with eyes full of gleeful, predatory anticipation when I purposefully disobey

I want to know what it feels like to have teeth sunken into my shoulder while I'm held immobile from behind

I want to know what it feels like to have a low growl rumble against my back

I want to know what it feels like to hear the low timbre of a praise

I want to know what it feels like to hear the promises hidden within a dark, animalistic laugh

I want to know what it feels like to be pushed up against the wall with a hand wrapped around my throat

I want to know what it feels like to have the deep impact of a palm strike me down to the muscle

I want to know what it feels like to be held and comforted while being punished at the same time

I want to know what it feels like to admire the canvas of bruises in the mirror and thank him for such beautiful art

I want to know what it feels like to have a hand on the back of my head, guiding my movements

I want to know what it feels like to keep him warm while we watch a movie

I want to know what it feels like to be at the mercy of his strength, held in place without hope of getting free

I want to know what it feels like to be conquered and claimed

I want to know what it feels like to be marked in all ways possible

I want to know what it feels like to be filled and dripping

I want to know what it feels like to be stalked and hunted by his predator

I want to know what it feels like to be taken whenever I am needed

I want to know what it feels like to have my legs spread while I'm asleep

I want to know what it feels like to experience exhilarating fear and unwavering trust in equal measure

I want to know what it feels like to sit at his feet and look up with unadulterated adoration

I want to know what it feels like to serve and worship him

I want to know what it feels like to be able to provide and take care of all of his needs

I want to know what it feels like to give him everything

I want to know what it feels like to be owned, completely and irrevocably

I just wish I knew

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Heart laid bare on bended knee
Ellipses of the unspoken weigh heavily

Moments pass as memories flee
To the final cadence of a lovesick melody

Laughing caricatures of what could be
Mock from the twisted shadows of reality

Distorted faces taunt with glee
The whispered promise of serenity

For what has been shall never see
A new dawn break most heavenly

Head bowed on a breathless plea
A twin flame torn from their destiny

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