My true experiences

So today just as a few other times a FWB had posted something about me on his blog, which he has done before but in this one he really shines the light on a big issue I deal with.... keeping people away...I do this for their protection but also bc I guard my heart inside a fortress....and I DON'T WANT TO GET ATTACHED...so this friend let's call him *J* he is very forthcoming and honest with what he feels and thinks about me..and as much as I want to be able to drop this fortress around my heart completely for him, I know better...I know myself and my luck or karma or whatever you want to call it....there's always something waiting behind me to wreck and destroy the happiness I might find and have and TRY to hold onto...so yes I DO push him away and I don't tell him the depths of my heart and soul...I cannot reveal my truth for or to him....bc I will only end up hurting and destroying such a wonderfully loving, kind, caring amazing man...not to mention he's just coming into his own.... finding his true self in his life and wanting to be apart of this lifestyle...how can I in good conscience claim him when I KNOW WHATS TO COME? But there is a plus to this bc as much as we desire each other..he is a poly...so there's another woman who makes his heart sing and takes his breath away and I'm guessing a great deal more than I bc I'm sure she gives him all he needs in being an expressive person with him, which is wonderful bc as much as I'd LOVE to just slit myself open and bleed out for him...I cannot....I will not bc if I did his life would be in grave danger for reasons I will not reveal but he knows...but he also scares me bc of the way he makes me feel, act and behave...NEVER IN MY WHOLE 21 YEARS OF LIVING THIS LIFE, has anyone gotten what this man has gotten and of my OWN FREE WILL GIVEN IT TO HIM...that in itself scares the living light inside of myself....he shakes me to my core and I WANT HIM TO....which is why I've stepped back and kind of shut him down from myself which I am truly sorry about but I cannot have him....not only that we live in different countries but the danger I will not put him in....but even if I didn't leave destruction in my wake...and my life was still my life to live and give to him...it still wouldn't work bc he's a poly and I am not....I'm a very open-minded person if there's no labels on something...but once he was to take claim and I reverberated this action...then I'd not allow another soul to have and share what is MINE...and again not fair to him bc he needs to be free to explore his style in this life...I've had 21 years to go explore, experience and figure out who and what I am....he has just begun...how can I take that away from him? We've already established we hold a great deal of love for each other...short of saying it....which is right where it needs to remain...bc I can't  be anything except a fun chick that hopefully some day we'll actually meet in RL..I am scared that when we finally do connect and indulge in each other's skin, I won't want to let him go EVER....and the question I asked him so long ago will b spoken again as I whisper it in his ear as I'm cuffing him to my bed in my special place for him and him alone.....❤️