Good morning Kinksters, freaks, sex addicts & vanilla inquisitors. This will be a three part series that speaks about Cause & Effect on a general overall.
Specifically we'll be looking at the effects & the general cause of jealousy on both sides. Before we delve into this rather painful topic wherein my "fuck off, don't give a shit" usually kicks in... go grab something to drink. A bite to nibble. Make yourself comfortable and Que up some light hearted music. This blog is a novel 😣
Because its applicable:
😂😂 yeah I do like that song, despite its age. Still factual though.
For almost every action there is a reaction. This isn't physics, so it's not always going to be an equality to the reaction. Also, just like physics, if you understand the reaction, you can do a proactive approach to either neutralize or minimize (or predict with 90% accuracy) the reaction.
If you are in a monogamous relationship and never talk to the opposite sex, ever!! Then you are being unrealistic in your head and you need more help than I can provide. 😂 For the rest of you mono e'mono jealousy is likely to pop its head up right at the most vulnerable moments. The easy proactive approach is do not permit vulnerable moments, but again if that was so easy, this blog would end now. Hence when the offended are saying "Just don't do that" I'm like, um... "Fuck you. Get over yourself." Ouch! Harsh reaction! No wonder I have such struggles with keeping a mate, yeah? 😂😂 Well here's the simple fact. When it comes to jealousy I see it for what it truly is. Insecurity in ones own self, suspicion being given form without genuine cause, negative manipulation, isolationism and in some cases.. guilty conscious or a mix of any of the above.
When I left my wife, I moved out to get away from a toxic relationship and went to move in with a female friend. When I moved in, that was all it was for around four months and then it evolved into friends with benefits and in time a full blown relationship. She was vastly younger than I, being the age of 18 when I moved in with her. Over the next couple years we had a blast! The relationship had its limitations though on both her and my side... we both had male and female friends, we both gamed on the same games and many of our friends were joint also. Her limitations for me was that I bring nobody home without her consent and if I desired more than just 1 on 1, she'd consider it because the sex was fantastic and she was bi also. My limitations for her was to not snoop through my stuff. If she wanted knowledge, just ask and I'd unlock my PC, Phone, open my room to her. I don't ever feel the need to hide what I'm doing unless i'm trying to set up a wonderful surprise for you. Close to the end of a three year run wherein we had some up's and downs, but the vast majority of the time was with joy, sex, PC gaming and stimulating conversation... something changed. She started hiding away some, which she justified with just needing "me time" more and during her cycle she'd hurt so she'd lock herself in her room. Me being me, I felt something was wrong and wasn't sure what it was so I just ignored it and let her have some time to work it out. She then started gaming at different times, no longer wanting to team up and I'd figured she'd been flirting with somebody in game and it was getting more involved. I don't mind, I'm Polyamorous so to me I just smiled and let her have her secret. At least now I knew what was going on now. She and another guild mate would always be on at the same time, be in the same locations, doing the same event and I could hear her giggling to the flirtation when I went by her room to "see a man about a walibe" 😉 Our sex life took only the slightest of hits, she didn't ignore me when we was together but when I started flirting with another female... OOOO SHIT! Talk about double standards, sweet mother of pearl she was riddled with them and for the most part I didn't care because they really didn't effect me, but this... This effects me: I confront her on her accusations and remind her that our agreement defined that I would not bring another home without her consent and that in all the years I'd never once done so. I remind her that I didn't set such limits on her and that she was free to explore all she wished and that I even was thrilled to find out the dude she was spending all her time with was closer to her age. After calmly talking for about an hour, cuddling on the couch and doing some "play time" we went to bed together wherein I held her all night and woke to a kiss before going off to work. To me.. the issue was resolved and it was a good thing.. NOPE! Like lighting the fuse to dynamite. By the time I got home, passive aggressive had set up and every day from that point for the next three months was nothing but ice cold hate, arguments, and me being a sadistic fuck. I knew how to tormentor her till she struggled to sleep. Beast and I LOVED IT! Not just a little either, I thrilled to wake the next day, knowing what I and Beast had planned to make her life living hell.. but.. we had one condition. Say nothing, do nothing to start the argument. If she started the fight, he was free to play within the confines of no physical harm unless physically attacked. No breaking shit, and lastly... no idle threats. Do or Do Not. Needless to say by the end of the three months she ran out the door screaming and only came back after I went to work, to gather her stuff and move out. 🤣🤣
One year later she contacted me via in game. Apologized for her part of what happened and confessed a few things. I also apologized for my treatment of her and after about two hours of typing she called me and we had a great chat.
1) She was flirting with the other boy because she thought I was already flirting with another woman in game and she was doing it to upset me.
2) Her whole motive to all the fighting was to force me to run her off because she couldn't just leave me... I treated her too well. Made her feel like there was nothing that I wouldn't do to keep her safe, sexually happy, mentally sound. She couldn't handle me offering that to somebody else.
Jealousy is viscous in it's irrationality... It'll make you forget everything that your partner means to you, focus only on you without thoughts of how it will effect your partner or the real damage it can do the relationship or mental security.
Hurting people, Hurt people. The more she hurt over my imaginary "whore" the more she tried to hurt me. Succeeding only made me hurt, shut down inside, turn cold and I'd had enough of that from the ex wife so she got the worst of me.. in spades. The sad part to this whole thing: She could have just asked. I could have just followed my intuition and removed the doubt. How simple it is to keep a relationship alive but Jealousy genders anger, anger causes hurt and the end result is always the same... Destruction that last for years upon years.
Fast forward to the next major relationship which started almost immediately because um... I don't like being alone and Beast is a fantastic hunter of prey.
Like match to gasoline, the woman who would become my donor set our worlds on fire and I thought the 18yr old was a wild cat in the bedroom, PSH! Vanillaish life, meet Rocky Road with a kick of whiskey.... Holy hell, was she a spit fire from day one. We fucked so hard and long that we started calling it sex feast (Insert year) 😂😂 She would rip my back open, so hard I've actually got small chunks of tattoo missing but what she gave, she received with gleeful pleasure. In the first two months we both lost close to 25 lbs from nothing more then sex and eating in between.. or during.. if at all... She was the first woman I'd ever known to endure so much for so long that when we finished and had to take a few days for body mending, I could hear her almost cry to pee..."it's like glass coming out." My cock wasn't much better off... I had no clue you can bruise your shaft but apparently, with enough intentional bad angles, biting, nails and I think at one point she smacked it so hard I almost pissed on her... but to say I was in love was no where around the right wording. She was ravaging, sexy as fuck, DD breast, hips and ass that would give a Nun a clitoral erection with an hour glass form despite her 250+lbs. Her weight gave Beast more freedom though what he did was hell on my body. 😈😈😂 Within two months she moved in, fast forward through all the PC gaming, sex, fun, joy, happiness and extremely little disagreements wherein we would agree to disagree.
10 months in, she owns my heart... I'd never felt so free and desired as I did with her. There was little that we didn't do together and as a reward I wanted to give her something she'd never had. I set up a Haunted Hotel trip on the fringes of a lake during the fall so the fog would roll in... She LOVED haunted stuff, graveyards and such. Close to $1,000 in a week long reservation plus food and events... it was set! The catch? She knew we was going somewhere, but not the location. OMG we both was so stoked for the trip that the night before was deep intimacy mixed into our fangs and claws sexual bliss. Day of, one hour before... bags packed, car ready, just double checking banking account, reservations, credit cards, etc for the upteenth time (I'm anal like that)... She walks into the game room, placing her hand on her hip and dead pan ask: "Who is she?"
"The whore you're fucking?"
I start to laugh and finish closing out computer, "You are my whore." while smiling ear to ear
"Fuck you, son of a bitch! I wanna know who the fuck the slut is!" She storms towards me and at this point i'm completely confused and wondering if she's doing a fucked up role play but this.. isn't funny. Its not till she stabs me with her nails in the challenging poke that I realize she's totally serious... my gut drops out... like.. wtf?! Instantly I stand toe to toe with her, reminding her of everything I do for her. How I treat her, How I tell and show her every day how much I love her. How having somebody else wasn't even rational seeing as I worked, come home to her, she'd go to work at 10p at night, I'd take her lunch at 1a and get in bed around 2:30a.. up for work by 5:30a... WHEN would I even have the time!? 30 - 45 minutes of arguing with me trying my damnedest to rationalize with irrationality... This hurt was heart crushing, enraging and her next jab was met with Beast catching her hand and forcing her to her knees with her wrist bent to the point of snapping. Pulling him back, I let her go and stormed out of the room, smashing the wall on the way to the bedroom. She didn't follow. Time to leave comes and I stop at the game room where she still sits afraid Beast was going to come back for her and point to the car. "You coming? I'm leaving with or without your ass." She gets up, and follows silently to the car.
I'm still fuming some three hours into the ten hour trip. "I'm sorry." she says. "I just wanted to know, her name."
"What name? Should I make one up for you?" I can feel the ice forming inside.
"You don't understand. Nobody treats me this nice unless they are fucking around on me." (self Insecurity)
"That's not my fault." trying not to punch her in the side of the fucking head as my hands shake on the wheel. "Should I apologize for treating you so fucking nicely then?"
"You don't have to be an ass about it." (manipulation tactic 101, divert guilt.)
"Fuck you. I think I've earned the right to be pissed off." (Remember that hurting people statement... hold on tight.)
"Can't you just forgive me, and get over it already?" (manipulation tactic try #2, blame the target for bad behavior, aka guilt trip)
"How can you even think I was fucking around on you?"
Excuse upon excuse boils down to: "You said you're poly, so I know that you would fuck around and still treat me like a queen."
SERIOUSLY?! "Soooo your excuse for tearing out my heart is based on fear rather than fact, expecting me to forgive and forget as though it never happened, your highness? Go back to treating you like a queen without repercussions?" I started laughing at this point... (keep holding on)
"Stop being a dick. I said I'm sorry. Why can't you just stop being pissy and love me."
"Stop.. being pissy, sure." Side glance "Soon as you suck it from my cock, I'll stop being pissy."
Fight number 2 ensues... imagine that. 🤣🤣🤣 Fight stops about an hour after it started because I literally tell her to shut her fucking mouth or she can find a ride to where ever. I'll pull over and drag her ass by the hair of the head and leave her there. By this time of course, the whole thing is my fault. I'm upset over nothing and being petty about it. She did say she was sorry after all...
We arrive at the hotel in total silence. I drop her off at the door, because I'm a dumb ass who for some reason felt manners matter however she took it as a sign that I'm now ok. PSH! Not by a long shot. I haul our luggage inside this rustic rundown, though slightly elegant but creepy as fuck hotel and she gasp in wonder. Onto the elevator that was maintenanced sometime in the 80's... 1880's that is... and on up to the 3rd floor bedroom where a homicide was committed in the very bed of which we was staying (mattress may have been changed, but still.) At this point, I could really give a fuck less about the trip and I would have canceled except the deadline had expired and I had to put 1/2 down to reserve the room... BUT... All I needed to do was shower and sleep it off. It was actually soothing to be in that room... probably because it felt satisfying to know she had NO FUCKING CLUE about the haunted room. 😈
After taking the shower, I felt pretty great... or at least in my head that's what I envisioned before "Why are you ruining this trip for us?"
"Me? I haven't said a fucking word. We just got here and I'm ruing the trip by... what?"
"Brooding." huffs "Being all in your head, giving me the silent treatment. I said I'm sorry!"
"I agree." Silence... ... ... ...
narrows her eyes as she realizes what I just said. "What's that suppose to mean?!"
Smirk "You are sorry. I agree... I am brooding. I agree." begins growling menacingly "But I'm by no means alone in my head.." jaw pops, neck twist, vertebra snaps one bone at a time along with the knuckles in my hands, my eyes close and I feel soooo much calm come over me.. I get an erection. When my eyes open, she see's Beast and freezes... starts to cry and stammer for words somewhere along "p p please"... drops to her knees and eeps out. "Don't kill me."
"You kill..." his voice deep and slithering "I kill." He steps toward her and takes her by the chin. "All die tonight." followed by a maniacal laugh...
I'll spare you the details because Primal play has nothing on Beast. Clothing torn from her body, flesh along with it, no care for damage done but no safety word spoken. She paid with her blood for the damage she'd done. In the morning I knew I'd have to buy the sheets, clean the blood off the furniture and possible take her to the hospital.
The next four years of on and off relationship with her, my heart never beat again. No empathy for her pain, no care for her burdens. Sex. Feeding. Sharing a bed from time to time, she wanted nothing more nor does she to this day. She has nobody but a bottle of Vodka that has almost killed her twice. We still talk time to time and until Bunny, she'd come over to feed Beast, fuck and leave.
Jealousy... it kills more than just the heart. For some it destroys everything.
Is this what you see when you think of Jealousy? Do you think it's "a bad thing but not that bad?"
Wonder why that relationship just never recovered? Nothing good comes from being Jealous. It blinds one to the reality of their partner, undermines the trust that is so hard to build up to begin with. It declares guilt without proof, all because of what? Nobody can erase your past or help you get beyond its effects if you don't make a stand for yourself, against yourself and stop repeating the cycle of self loathing/insecurity. Jealousy does not harm the Jealous person nearly as much as it does the one that the jealousy is being taken out on, and you call your Jealous ass a better person than somebody who is a sadist like me.
I know I'm a Sadist. I don't hide it. I forewarn any partner that I am, what I tend to do, how to help me see it's happening and how to detour the pain I'm about to inflict on them, onto something else.
Does it work? To take the time to be open with your partner. Know yourself so well that you can train a partner to help you keep your shit from destroying the relationship?
Fast foreword to this week (January 2021): ^AngelBunny^ and I had a moment of not seeing eye to eye and my evolved reaction is to no longer allow anger to guide my tongue down a verbal lashing out in tormenting. Instead, I take a deep breath and head from my PC to log in. What I'm actually doing is brooding. My mind is running 1000 miles a minute as I build up anger and then fight that irrational with rational. I know my Bunny well enough to know that is a good slave. She loves Beast and I, deeply. She's not one to intentionally cause harm without being PIIISSED! (Yup, she can be fierce and its cute as fuck!) She has moments wherein she is centered on herself and can't see anything beyond what she wants, thus she doesn't always recognize that she's triggered something from my past that I'm still fighting (gaining victories, but still fighting) until its effects show up in my body language and her intuition kicks in to say something isn't right. I encourage my Bunny to trust her intuition. Even if its wrong, follow what you "Feel" carefully and probe delicately just in case the "read" was incorrect. (Don't start shit and there won't be shit, yeah?!)
Five minutes pass from when I log in and I'm brooding in full measure as I stare blank into the monitor, fighting what I know to be true against what I think to be true. She gets up to go to the restroom, looking at me through the doorway of the bedroom before she goes to do her glittering into the magical porcelain stool. (Girls don't pee, they glitter so shoosh!) I'm fully aware of what is going around me, as I saw her looking at me from my peripheral vision, and when she comes out of the restroom she does something strange... Something I can say that I've not remembered ever seeing happen in the 35yrs of my past memory. She comes to me and kneels beside my chair to wait for me to acknowledge her... I let her wait as my desire to be spiteful is squelched by my willingness to take another chance on my Slave.
"Can we talk" She ask humbly.
"What would you like to discuss, my slave?" Defused by her humility, my ramping up in brooding anger pauses.
"About what happened a few minutes ago." She states softly with eyes searching mine as though she's waiting for my lash out.
From here we talk openly, every sentence that she speaks is without challenge. Every question is thought out and for me... this is what I've begged for from the time I first took vowels in a marriage. She is using every tool that I've given her, in the methods that I've walked through in casual training on how to deal with my triggers. By the time we finish having an open conversation about the issue, why she did what she did and what caused the triggers, and even why I have the triggers... something inside my chest hurts. I felt like the Grinch as I sat there awed in wonder at this tiny lil thing that could strike me physically and make me laugh at how weak her body is... yet this warrior among slaves used her cunning, followed her heart and brought me a place I'm not use to being. My chest weld up, that thing inside that I've kept in a cage of protection, pushed it's restraints and once again... for the hundredth time in the 8mo's we've been together... I take a chance on my slave and open my cage that she holds close to her breast.
NO, I didn't cry like at pussy ass Grinch does in the movie, but for me... This is a huge move of deeper trust than an emotional upheaval.
My slave is a ruthless warrior for my heart. We both still have doubts that arise. We both trigger. We both open up and take huge risk on a phycological and emotional level. Thus, I know that change comes when you learn to let go of the past and reach out for a better future.
Keep in mind:
Cause and effect, it's a chain of events, when all of its chaos makes perfect sense. When your world spins around, things come undone.... well, welcome to earth, third rock from the sun.
We didn't get here at this point over night. We've had bad moments and bumps in the road along the way. We both are fighting against our past because we do not wish to be the person we once was. We had to willingly make that choice on our own as individuals. And here's the clincher... You don't know who that one is that you can love with all you are and trust everything to, until you take that chance.
The pain of the past sucks, but there is healing and it starts with you.
*Somebody hand me my whip! this oshy goshy shit is getting too damn deep.*😘😂😘