There is an interesting thing that happens in this lifestyle when you are dealing with human beings, there is interaction, people expose their feelings, other people hurt their feelings, and what happens after that usually dictates whether they continue the interaction.
In other words, how do you deal with the hurt feelings? In one case I heard a Dom say to a sub. "So just get over it." Get over it? And the pain that they’re feeling the uncertainty that is bothering them, the questions that they have about their worthiness to serve or to be a sub, none of that, or their feelings matte? Just get over it?
That’s not dominance, that’s abuse.
Now, before you write to me and tell me how much I don’t know what I’m talking about, or how I just don’t understand the relationship that you have with your sub, or the relationship that you as a sub have with your master, may I suggest that if you’re putting on a shoe that is the wrong size for your foot don’t do it it’s going to hurt your foot.
However, some of you may find this to be a wake up call and if some of you disagree with me. I don’t particularly care. These truths are based on my life experience. You have your own life experience and you may have your own truths but if your truths involve the damage of someone else’s feelings, or, their self image then your truth is skewed.
Most submissives do so because they have a deep abiding desire to please, nurture, and care for another.
The pain sluts, masochists, etc. are not the ones I refer to in this writing. They are driven by their own very particular desires. I am talking about the sub who does not feel complete unless she/he is serving a master. If you have one like that, treat them with the kindness and care they deserve for they are a rare treasure.
Many years ago in the 1980s I began working with a group of people in Washington state who were intent on trying to help people who were trapped in cults to return to normal life. Many families had lost loved ones to the Moonies, and there were several other dangerous cults whose followers did not fare well.
So I was, what was commonly referred to as a deprogrammer, and during the processes that we used to help people begin to get their critical thinking turned back on and be able to begin to make their own decisions we had what we called focus groups. This was a place where the group of people could sit down around a circle and just talk basically about what had happened, what has been done to them, what their feelings were, and what their reactions had been. After several months of working through this I discovered that whether I was working with a former cult member or a victim of domestic abuse or someone who had been in a discipleship program or under a shepherd or some other dominant person who was basically given control of their life. The techniques used in every case were the same.
So consider this when we’re dealing with individuals who have been abused in this manner we find it first of all they begin to stop thinking critically they let their critical thought be dictated by the abuser. They stop making good choices. The reason being that whoever their controller has told them that they would take care of it and they would make the decision for them and not to worry about it.
Well that’s wonderful if you can sit back and completely trust that the individual to whom you are turning your life and your decisions over to has your best interest at heart, but what if they don’t what if that individual is more interested in what they want than what you want or what’s good for you.
In the 1970's we had Jonestown in British Guyana
In the 1980's we had the Hale Bop Comet followers
Both extreme examples of mind abuse that led to the death of many innocent people.
let me give you an interesting analogy.
How do you boil a frog? You start with a pot of water on the stove just pleasantly warm water and you put all the frog in the warm water and he will settle down and be just happy as can be because it’s just perfect for him while you turn the heat up slowly. You must be cautious not to turn it up too fast because if it gets too hot quickly he’ll jump out. If you already have it too hot before you drop him in there he’ll jump right back out. He won’t even notice the gradual increase in temperature and you will soon have a boiled frog.
The example I have just given you is the way mind control works, and it works on just about anyone who becomes a victim. The insidious deception grows until the captor’s truth, no matter how erroneous it is, becomes the captive’s truth. The Stockholm Syndrome is an excellent example.
These kinds of relationships, D/s relationships, can be healthy for all involved as long as the ground rules are plain, laid out, and agreed to at the outset. Anyone who wants to just “let it develop,” should proceed with caution.
My purpose in writing this is not to try and rain on anyone’s parade, but I do strongly urge you to use your head because as I said in my earlier blog regarding seeing with your mind. That is the way it works, but, an abused mind cannot see clearly.